Awful rage from my uBPD Mom

[Finallyawake]

Mom got angry yesterday because a relative of ours did something she didn't like.

Mom called me at work this morning to tell me that I am instigating our relative against her, which is not true.

Mom starting making all kinds of accusations against me, which were also false. She said she hates me and is done with me. I asked her how that is going to work since she lives in my home. She said it's our home and she pays me a tiny amount for rent. I said money is not the issue. I asked how are we supposed to live together if she hates me.

Mom said she's taking my car and moving out today or she wants me to move out. I could have avoided JADE, but I was so hurt that I forgot everything. I then completely caved in because of FOG.

After talking more, I realized that Mom was raging because she thought I was going to kick her out. I told her that was totally untrue. I reminded her that our conversation had been via text message. I asked her to reread what I wrote and to show me where I asked her to leave. She reread everything and realized she was wrong. She then forgave me. Yes, I did nothing wrong to begin with, but at least this fight is over.

I did remember to do empathy statements the whole time. I've just got to work harder on remembering to apply everything else I learned.

I still want to work on driving and eventually setting boundaries. Today just proved to me that I need to do this VERY slowly and carefully.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY FINALLYAWAKE:

Someone more experienced might have something to add, but my understanding is that when you want to modify behavior, it is best to be consistent.  Extintion bursts are expected and I'm thinking that "taking it slow" may be counter productive. Slowing things down could make it more frustration for both of you in the long run.

I offer an article and some interesting YouTube examples/tutorials:

EXTINCTION BURSTS

   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

EXTINCTION  VIDEO 1

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfKjg20KM0s

EXTINCTION BURSTS - VIDEO 2

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKrh5uytRKY

A LITTLE CONDITIONING HUMOR

Operant Conditioning - Closure Issue (Big Bang Theory)

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZi92OEbaqs

Big Bang Theory-operant conditioning

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mt4N9GSBoMI

[Fie]

Naughty Nibbler might have a point. I am totally not an expert, but you might want to google 'intermittent reinforcement'. I have read some articles with 'intermittent reinforcement' as one of the explanations why nons stay in abusive relationships all too long ; but the concept might be valid here, too. If your behavior is 'non consistent', your mum risks to push and pull even more. You have gotten this far, I would say, stick to it - but yes expect a rage now  and than. No fun, I know  ;-)

[Finallyawake]

Oh my goodness! Mom was totally 100% having an extinction burst! I didn't know how to handle it and really goofed things up!

I reinforced her extinction burst! Ok, I know how to handle it now. Thanks for the links to the videos. It all makes sense now.

She keeps talking about the argument that happened this morning, making up one lie after another. I now understand what's going on and have been since avoiding JADE. So far, it's working. Things are much better now.

I think I am going to read up on medium chill too. Thanks!

[Fie]

Thanks NN for the links, I am noticing they actually are on intermittent reinforcement also :-). I will take a look at them, it can be helpful for me, too.