Any advice welcome

[EmotionalWrek]

Hiya.

This is my first time posting on a forum like this, and I almost feel like I'm cheating on my partner. He was diagnosed with BPD after the break down of his engagement two years ago. He often talks of the demise of his relationship and the various triggers that his ex partner made. I'm making a conscious effort to avoid these yet I feel like my effort isn't enough! It's frustrating.

I am a positive person which I know gets on his nerves as he talks openly about the fact there may come a day where he leaves and that's it (like with his previous partner).

I'm after advice on how to deal with his "down days" I guess.

Thanks in advance! X

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Welcome to BPD Family.  If you haven't already, take a look at the links to The Lessons on the right side of this page.

Partners with BPD are definitely more of a challenge than people who are emotionally healthy and learning how to deal with them is typically not intuitive. Many things we might say to a "normal" person can be misinterpreted by someone with BPD, so there are a lot of wonderful tips to improve our communication skills contained within the lessons.

I've been here almost two years and I've kept this secret from my husband. It helps to talk with people who understand.   

[BestVersionOfMe]

Coming here is about you and your own personal development, part of which is learning about BPD and why your husbands behavior is how it is.  By having a clearer understanding of

why things occur, it will likely allow you to depersonalize a lot of it and not feel the need to react to some of the things that are said or done.  Welcome and feel free to post away or ask questions, we are all here to help each other!

[EmotionalWrek]

Thanks!

I'm just struggling with the switch in affections. We went away at the weekend and my partner was everything I fell for. We had the most amazing time and it was natural and not forced etc. Then Monday night he seemed distant and started to talk about it not working because of his BPD and he keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt me and that I deserve better. I reassure him constantly that he's more than enough and that I'm working as hard as I can to understand him (I.e: reading articles, researching therapies etc). I just need some advice from others in my situation that are making it "work"

X

[william3693]

explanations,conclusions,called knowledge sometimes prevent the experiencing of what is going on with us.

knowledge without self knowledge is of little use.

sometimes to know is to be ignorant and not to know is the beginning of wisdom.

Are you working harder on your partners problems than he is?

You could ask him what is best to do on his down days.

You have some degree of control over your own behaviors and little or none over his, in trying to control his you

will feel out of control.

Having a full life(exercise,hobbies friendships etc) outside of the rs will help a great deal.

I took up photography.after that when I was driving I would look for pictures.It would stop the compulsive

thinking about the rs for small amounts of time.Plus in photography you can never learn enough.

you will learn in the forums as cat familler wrote that the best ways to be in a rs with him are typically not intuitive.

Trying to help a rs is not cheating on your partner.

Is the push/ pull is part of his behavior pattern at this point,  something you think you can deal with.

I find it is one of the things that is the hardest for me to deal with.

[EmotionalWrek]

My partner is aware of my feelings and is starting therapy again. Slowly. His therapist doesn't really fill me with confidence as he always seems a little deflated after a session. My other half had mentioned that his therapist asked if a relationship with someone without a child was wise, as last time (with his ex fiancé they had children to prioritise.

He's told me I'm doing more than enough, but I guess I just want to minimalist triggers and give myself so ideas too. X

[Meili]

As CF pointed out, there is a lot of good information in the LESSONS and other places if you poke around the site.

Boundaries, validation, conflict management, avoidance of circular arguments, etc. will all be useful tools for you to develop if you haven't already.

Also, reading the stories of others here may help you develop a clearer understanding of what you are dealing with.

If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask. I'm sure that someone will have an answer.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Something to consider is not to focus on the disorder at all.  At one point in my own relationship I came to the point where I didn't bring it up, or really address it at all.  If she asked if I thought she had BPD I would say, "I have no idea and it doesn't matter and I accept you as you are sweetheart."  Otherwise if the disorder is being talked about a lot then it becomes hard to just focus on communication.