I need to be really careful not to be vindictive

[Wize]

Sometimes I want to gut my stbx wife.  As we go through this divorce and she becomes more and more difficult, it's taking everything I've got not to contact her 2 exhusbands and roast her like a pig on a spit.  They have so much dirt on her that it would ruin her career and her custody of her 3 kids. 

I need to remember that I believe in the divine law of reaping what we sow, what goes around comes around. I need to be disciplined and take the high road.

But it's really, really hard.  Because sometimes I want to destroy her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, anger and the desire for revenge are normal phases of detachment, and appropriate towards someone who inflicted abuse and treated us disrespectfully, sometimes to the extreme.

It will pass, and it's helpful to find ways to burn up that energy healthfully, exercise works pretty well, and also, by focusing on the future and the amazing life we're creating, we don't want to do anything now that will screw that up; thinking vindictive thoughts without acting on them doesn't have consequences. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wize, I echo the thoughts of FromHtoH.  I would add that, from my perspective, it's pointless to get vindictive with someone suffering from a personality disorder/mental illness over which he/she has little or no control.  If anything, those suffering from BPD deserve our empathy, as odd as that may sound for you in the midst of a divorce.  Let's just say that I've been down that road -- divorce from a pwBPD -- and totally understand where you are coming from because I experienced those same feelings.  Yet now that I'm on the other side I can look back and take more of a view from the treetops.

LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

Yep, I have been down that road where I wanted to be vindictive.

Doing something vindictive confirms their status as a victim. It confirms that you are mean and/or crazy or whatever it is that they think/say about you.

Would exposing the truth be vindictive or would it be holding her accountable for her crappy behavior? I have wrestled with that question. Some of what I was feeling was a desire to be vindictive. Another part of it was wanting him to be held accountable rather than getting off scott free.

[Wize]

Thanks guys.  I'm having a hard time empathizing with my wife right now even though that's what I know I should do.  I'm just struggling with the fact that she threw me and my family away and treated us all like garbage.  We are all the most loving, accepting, gracious family I know of and we all welcomed my wife into our family with open arms.  She had no one.  Her own family is estranged, she has no friends and her exes loathe her. 

She really had it all... .and she threw it away.  I'm trying not to be bitter and vindictive.  You're right LJ, I need to remember that she has a mental illness and little control of her behavior.  But I do hold her accountable for much of what she has said and done.  I hold her accountable for how she treated my parents.  It angers me.

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks guys.  I'm having a hard time empathizing with my wife right now even though that's what I know I should do.  I'm just struggling with the fact that she threw me and my family away and treated us all like garbage. 

If you can't find empathy and compassion for her, that is okay too. I had a lot of people tell me the same thing. Have compassion for him. Have some empathy for him. For me, that felt so unbelievably invalidating because I felt like I was in the spot that I was in because I had so much compassion and empathy for him. Right now, my goal is to protect myself. I can't protect myself AND have compassion or empathy for him. I want to get back to a place where I can have some empathy for him. I am not there and that is okay. I am trying to focus on ME and what it is that I need to protect myself and heal and get through all of this.

[Lilyroze]

Thanks guys.  I'm having a hard time empathizing with my wife right now even though that's what I know I should do.  I'm just struggling with the fact that she threw me and my family away and treated us all like garbage.  We are all the most loving, accepting, gracious family I know of and we all welcomed my wife into our family with open arms.  She had no one.  Her own family is estranged, she has no friends and her exes loathe her.  

She really had it all... .and she threw it away.  I'm trying not to be bitter and vindictive.  You're right LJ, I need to remember that she has a mental illness and little control of her behavior.  But I do hold her accountable for much of what she has said and done.  I hold her accountable for how she treated my parents.  It angers me.

Thing is though Wize, if you and your family are really that gracious, and it hurts you what she did, leave it. It will hurt you even more when you lower yourself to do something back.

You are not disordered so when you start dating again, or other friendships etc. you would feel hurt and pain admitting to yourself what you did.  Thinking about it would haunt you, and give her fodder to tell others about you.

Don't go there, take the high road, if you need to do things by the law do that, if you need to walk away with no contact do that. We are all responsible for what we do. You would have to live with it, and for us caring nons that would be tough.

For example my ex to be is UBPD is seeing a narcassist ( as well as runs in her family), she has wrecked her family, doesn't care about her kids and is obsessed with him. She is butting her nose into my business and assuming about me. Will I do anything to them... .not personally but have the law getting involved. To protect my kids and I from the drama. Will there be some drama?  well sure of it as he is seeing many and has many online dalliances. But she wants our divorce on her timetable. Not going to happen, she can have him but not till my things are done right by law and for myself and my kids. So I won't let a person he will end up leaving or cheating on decide my future, or upset me. I, my lawyer and the judge will. I will stand firm in grace and have class.

You will stand in grace and have class as well. Feel free to vent, we all do, then let go and let God and the court sort if out.

So keep your head high, be yourself, and let your legacy of your wonderful gracious family stand. Stand to accept new relationship or friendship eventually without the stain of her drama.

I know it is hard when you give your heart, your soul, your love and friendship all these years to raging, walking out, no appreciation or whatever. But that is on her, and if she is disordered she can go on and won't affect her. Don't let it you.

Blessings,

[Lucky Jim]

Doing something vindictive confirms their status as a victim. It confirms that you are mean and/or crazy or whatever it is that they think/say about you.

Right, vortex, it's better not to engage, in my view, for this reason.

I'm just struggling with the fact that she threw me and my family away and treated us all like garbage.  We are all the most loving, accepting, gracious family I know of and we all welcomed my wife into our family with open arms. 

Understood, Wize.  My BPDxW treated, and still treats, my family like c**p.  It's one of those odd paradoxes of BPD.  They alienate family members and friends who would otherwise be supportive.  You could say they leave destruction in their wake.

LuckyJim