Help not sure if I'll get another go

[Xstang77]

So my BPD exgf and I have been broken up for a month now following a messy break up,you can find the details on the boards here,I've doubted her return and its happened before but this time she's actually had a rebound which she hasn't openly before although she did cheat on him with me and broke it off with him a few days later,she is living in a tent as far as I know and were occasional fwb usually when she's in my town and gets drunk,I haven't heard from her since Saturday night and I know she's active on a dating site,When she's here she still tells me she loves me more then anything but she can't get back with me because she doesn't wanna hurt me anymore,I haven't gotten one of the late night pull/I wanna come home texts in a couple weeks. My question is how do I know if this really is the end in the past she's felt this way then something happens and she's fine being with me again atleast for a little while.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

From what I understand, and in my personal opinion, unless she's getting help for her condition, this is going to be a reoccurring pattern until you decide that it's really the end.

[Xstang77]

From what I understand, and in my personal opinion, unless she's getting help for her condition, this is going to be a reoccurring pattern until you decide that it's really the end.

i agree I just wonder if they just stop eventually it's wierd like she'll have all the excuses and then suddenly it's all ok again for another go,atleast for a little while.

[Meili]

Again, from what I understand and believe, no, they don't just stop.

A non can do some things to help minimize, but until they are ready to change, they won't change. But, that applies to everyone.

[Xstang77]

I guess more so what I mean is that this time seems different,we don't talk for a week then she messages me,she comes over is in love with me almost like the times she has come home before then she goes and pushes away again,this is a very strange cycle of push and pull for her,I almost feel like she's only doing this until she finds someone new.

[Meili]

I'm cofused. This time is different, yet almost like when she's done it before?

Why do you think it's only until she finds someone new? Is this a pattern of her?

[Xstang77]

As in she acts like she would right before she would return,except she doesn't return this time she just keeps pushing away,her looking for someone new just is a vibe I'm getting especially since she's never openly had a rebound the other times she's left (although she broke it off with him) then she told me she missed me and made a new pof dating account the same day,it's been the longest yet that she's been gone and this week is a very important one to us that she normally wouldn't miss.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you're struggling, especially with it being an important week to you. That really stinks.

Thank you for clarifying that for me. I can completely relate to what you mean. I'm going through that myself right now. I'm not exactly sure what it's like for you, but it's hard and confusing for me. It feels like mixed signals. I just keep trying to focus on my goal and not worry too much about what she may or may not be doing. Each day seems to be a little more difficult though.

Are you doing anything to cope with all of it?

[Xstang77]

It feels very push and pull for me,I really feel like a second option,she even admitted she's keeping some of her stuff her in case she's able to come back,this week is my yearly vacation which she told me this past Thursday she would spend with me but then the next day said she's been throwing up and sickly like she has been and that she promised she would spend time with me later this week,though just last night she was fine to go to a party and drinking with friends.im just really tired of waiting on someone that doesn't see me as a priority. Yesterday I went fishing and canoeing with a friend to try and break the cycle,otherwise I'm just sitting around. It really sucks.

[Meili]

Same story here. I got told that if it is the most important thing in the world to me, I should act like it. And then get told that she isn't sure what she wants to do and that she needs time to decide. Meanwhile, she's out running around doing whatever. uummm... .guess that "we" aren't the most important thing in her world.

Have you set a deadline for how long you're going to wait?

What else can you do to fill your time so that you're not just sitting around waiting for her to decide what she's gonna do?

ETA: Yano, it just occurred to me that both you and I are rewarding their bad behavior by waiting patiently for them to "come around." We both deserve to be loved by someone who is willing to love us and put forth effort.

[Xstang77]

Honestly I've been thinking about making this week the deadline,she knows how important it is to me,even if she does come back it's just constant fear for me of her leaving again,I don't trust her anymore,why would I want someone who obviously doesn't want to spend time with me,it's funny how she said I'll come see you this week "I promise" like she knows she'd be doing me a big favor and that its one sided,and says that me not telling her she could come back is one of the reasons she doesn't, yea ok I think I make it pretty clear when she does come around how I feel. I have other small things I could do its just kinda sad doing everything alone and missing her. Everyday I get one step closer to just putting the rest of her stuff on the curb and throwing the engagement ring I got her in the river.

[Meili]

Ah yes, but the more things that you do, the more people you meet, the less alone you'll be and the more likely you'll find people who want to spend time with you, and the less that you'll miss not doing things with her.

[Xstang77]

Yea it's just my area sucks for those kind of things and I'm sure she's smeared me to certain people,really resllt considering throwing out all her stuff...

[Meili]

Well, my x and I run in the same social circle. I have stayed completely away from it until last week (so for about 2 months). I was pretty sure, regardless of her re-assurances that she hadn't, that she'd split me black to the group. I talked to several of them today. It was interesting to say the least.

Yes, she's split me black. No one really cares what she said. And, the saddest part is that she isn't as important to the group as she thinks she is. At least of the several people were actually making fun of her. If I really wanted to, I could spin what another said to fit that bill too. It also turns out that she has showed her disordered side at least once (maybe twice) that others saw.

Honestly, I feel sorry for her. When I talk to her, the group is her whole world now (I introduced it to her btw, and I know that it would become her support network when I left, so that's why I stayed away).

Anyway, my point of all that is that even if she engaged in a smear campaign, it might not have been as effective as you think, or as she'd like for you to think.

[Xstang77]

Yea I've talked to one of our friends during one of the previous splits and he said how he knows she lies,usually when we split he's someone I'll check in with to see if she's smearing me,this time she's living on their property and I haven't bothered contacting him,I've liked his fb posts and shared some ones he would like and haven't got a like or comment,no biggie but you know how these people are great at brainwash and manipulation especially seeing her everyday,otherwise I'm still in a state of confusion about her return.

[Meili]

What everyone asks me I s what part I'm confused about?

Itvseems that the question really is, "Why am I giving her controlnand power here?"

What I take that to mean is the I either radically accept her, all of her and all that comes with it, or I don't.

I get.to choose.  If I choose to accept her, then I choose to allow her to make her own choices, whatever they may be. So, if I choose to accept that, then I go on living my life, respecting her right to choose,  and do her thing. Even if that means happily living my life until she decides to come back; if she ever does.

If I choose to not accept it, then I know the clear path that I must follow.

Either way, the choice is mine, not hers.

[Meili]

Geez... .so many typos in my last post, sorry! I blame my phone!

But, Xstang, I am going to ask you the very same question that I've been asking myself all day: "Why are you rewarding her bad behavior?"

She gets to make her choice, that's true. But, the part that you have control over is how long you are willing to give her to make that choice?

I've watched myself with my x. She knows that I'm still here for her and that I won't abandon her no matter what she does or doesn't do. She knows that she can take all the time that she wants to decide. She knows that she can get away with anything as long as she drops some ego kibble and keeps dangling the carrot in front of me. Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't; but, she knows that if she keeps me engaged that she has that option at any moment. She has total control over me and where I'm taking my life.

Does any of that ring true for you? Are you waiting for her to decide what she's going to do? If so, why?

[FallBack!Monster]

Does any of that ring true for you? Are you waiting for her to decide what she's going to do? If so, why?

Even thought i would not admit it to myself at first, I might have been doing just that.  Waiting to see what move she was going to make. It's like I wanted her back but not in the way she had fantasized. I knew that thought was unhealthy and it took a couple of months for me to admit it to myself that that's what I was doing.

Like i said, I wouldn't admit it to myself but eventually I had to come to terms with it.  Admitting it to myself, helped me decided which way I should actually be thinking.  Bottom line, what helped was knowing that she would never make the effort to fulfill any of my needs.

[Xstang77]

Yea,when I think about it that's exactly what I'm doing,I'm prioritizing a very damaged girl that barely sees me as a second option.why I believe is due to my fear of being alone,my past and wanting the familiar,I know it'll never be anything stable with her I need to let it go,I'm trying to force myself into setting that for she's doesn't come back this week the door is closed. Over the last 4 years I've always worked hard to make it so I wasn't alone for the 4th of July and my vacation,but this girl had that responsibility and here I am alone,man screw her.

[Xstang77]

To make things even better I just saw her fb said how she had a great 4th and had pics of her and some guy being awfully close,I'm going to go throw the rings in the river now and trash her stuff,really considering putting on my fb "yuck what a whore enjoys seconds not even 4 days later man" last time I called her out for being whorish like this boy did she get embarrassed and go into pull mode,she was literally her Thursday being all lovey! Need input... .

[Tallie]

I'm going to go throw the rings in the river now and trash her stuff,really considering putting on my fb "yuck what a whore enjoys seconds not even 4 days later man" last time I called her out for being whorish like this boy did she get embarrassed and go into pull mode,she was literally her Thursday being all lovey! Need input... .

My instinct (*been doing the merry go round for a few months before going NC for 13 weeks) is don't descend to her level... .acting with confident dignity (even if you don't really feel that way right now) is the best answer because it gives you the power and it's a complete 180 from what she's expecting you to do. Let her wonder why you don't seem to be jealous or care anymore (if you want her to feel bad, this will do that too). But now that you've seen her true colours... .why would you want to go back there?

[Xstang77]

My only issue is that's what I usually do is just not react,but in this case I feel it makes her think she has the upper hand and that I won't know and she'll look all innocent to her half suspecting friends. Like seriously she just slept with me Thursday and told me she loved me, I just threw the engagement ring in the river and the rest of her stuff, this is a big deal for me as I've always held onto it through all the past recycles :/

[Meili]

Advice would be not to be controlled by your emotions. The pendulum is swinging to complete other side right now. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.

Pack her stuff and the rings up and put them away until you are completely sure that you're done with her forever and always. Acting out of impulse and anger is just a breeding ground for resentment.

Block her and go completely NC. Stop looking at her FB stuff. Focus on you and building your own strength so that you don't feel that you need her to fulfill anything for you. A SO should only enhance our lives, they shouldn't take the place of part of ourselves.

The media has taught us that our SO should be part of us. It's often depicted as two circles, overlapping; two individuals joined to created a third, new entity. That's dangerous and why we hurt so much when these r/s end. A healthier depiction is two circles that remain separate but touch one another. Two complete and separate individuals who move together.

[Xstang77]

I threw her stuff away and already tossed the ring, I think part of the reason myself and many others get so intertwined with them as part of us is because they need so much attention and care to have any change of it lasting for atleast a little while, I think I'm also stuck on previous behaviors/recycles since they say the best prediction of future actions is the past but this time it's just making me loopey I mean this is the second guy in less then a month which she's never done before and when she does come visit she acts like she's going to move back right then and there which she usually hasn't done in past recycles until she finally breaks and acts like she does on visits this time.

[Meili]

I was completely enmeshed with my x. I fought it the whole time, but it happened anyway. I think that it happened for pretty much the reason you stated.

So, stuff and rings gone. Now you should be better able to focus on you.

[Xstang77]

I posted a status and got some likes and replies,then I deleted it,just saw another pic of her and the new guy today. Man it stings second guy in a month I know it's common but it still hurts worse then bad as I sit here alone on my vacation and I'm to depressed to do much.

[Confused2much]

I posted a status and got some likes and replies,then I deleted it,just saw another pic of her and the new guy today. Man it stings second guy in a month I know it's common but it still hurts worse then bad as I sit here alone on my vacation and I'm to depressed to do much.

Hey Xstang, I'm going through something very similar. My ex has done pretty much the same thing to me, treated me like dirt for months, on and off, telling me I was her everything one moment then ignoring me for days and I've recently discovered that there is another guy on the scene.

Just remember that these girls aren't within the same reality as me and you. Their world is a different place and thats why their behavior is so cruel and cold. You'll heal. You'll start to feel better and you'll realise this was a lesson. We've dodged bullets mate. You've probably done all you could, just like me, but it was destined for disaster from the start. Thats why there is so much help out there, so many forums and so many articles. These people genuinely hurt guys/girls like you and me and leave us in a mess.

I'm taking it a day at a time, remembering how shes made me feel, remembering her coldness and nonsensical arguments as well as the fact that none of it was my fault.

You can't save these people. You're better off without her. I've realised that and I hope you do too. 

[Meili]

I'm very sorry that you are hurting. It's really hard to love someone so much and not feel important in their life. You are not alone in that though. I think that is what brought us all here. We are all hopium addicts (that's a real thing, look it up!).

[SheAskedForaBreak]

"When she's here she still tells me she loves me more then anything but she can't get back with me because she doesn't wanna hurt me anymore,I haven't gotten one of the late night pull/I wanna come home texts in a couple weeks."

This is so similar to my own situation I had to send you some support.  When mine comes back she immediately tells me she's sorry and then whispers in my ear, "I never stopped loving you.  I tried to forget you, but I couldn't."  When I hear from her again, I'm more than just a bit certain I will, I cannot hear anything other than the part where she says she has tried to stop loving me.  She can't help it, it's her pathology.  She won't get help via a counselor and does not like to stay on her meds for depression, ADHD, and what may be Bi-Polar Disorder.   In the end my friend we can't help them if they aren't ready to be helped.  It hurts so much to let go, but I am sorry to say I am accepting this break I am on as the last one I will take from her.  It's so good of you to be kind to her, but your kindness will not overcome her disorder.  Only she can save her own life.  

[Xstang77]

Even though I deleted my post when I wish I didn't,one of her low life minion friends must have showed it to her,I get a message last night saying "so what's good with your post?" Like seriously hmm maybe you should read it and think about it,I'm really tempted to post I hope the new guy doesn't mind seconds not even 4 days later,then I hear he was  Just a date, maybe the guy you slept with and told you loved 4 days prior would be a better choice for a date,I haven't said anything back I'm so torn and it's not getting any better.