Fake illnesses and BPD

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Wondering again... .(waste of time I know)

Does anyone else have experience with a pwBPD who has major (fake) illnesses almost all the time?

My exgf is focused on cancer and I'm wondering if it's mirroring me because I do indeed have cancer?

What purpose does it serve a pwBPD to be sick all the time, is it a plea for attention or sympathy from people?

Why would a healthy person choose to be with someone so ill, physically and emotionally unless they themselves are ill or dysfunctional or mentally ill themselves?

I've headed enough to know it drove me crazy listening to all the complaints of aches and pains each and every day.

I tuned it out eventually and looking back I am surprised my exgf is still alive after all the serious health issues she's had.

[fromheeltoheal]

What purpose does it serve a pwBPD to be sick all the time, is it a plea for attention or sympathy from people?

Mental anguish can create physical illness, and borderlines are in mental and emotional pain most of the time, which is where all the behaviors come from.  My ex put quite a load on the healthcare system, and really never got any real "help", just pills to gobble and loads of diagnoses, but never the right one.  And more than once I've gotten a cold after a few days of heavy stress and worry, pretty common.  So think how bad it must be between a borderline's ears.

And then there's narcissistic supply; you're the center of attention as a patient in a doctor's office or a hospital, and an illness can be used to elicit sympathy and caretaking from those close.

So you mention your wondering again is a waste of time Jerry, yet you do it; is it a waste of time, or part of your healthy detachment, and does it serve a purpose?

[JerryRG]

Thank you fromheeltoheal

I've been thinking about this for a while, I have cancer and I wonder if my ex picked cancer because I have it. She could have something else but she choose cancer.

I am healing and I've talked to people who say she hasn't made serious changes if she's still using fake illnesses. I guess I keep looking for evidences of healing and I know I am but I see no difference in her. Sad because our son will witness this and be confused when he's older.

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess I keep looking for evidences of healing and I know I am but I see no difference in her. Sad because our son will witness this and be confused when he's older.

So there's an opportunity to be a centering, stable voice in your son't life, right?  Kids aren't dumb and will know where the stability, reliability and support come from; is your focus to be that for him?

[seenr]

Hi Jerry

My ex had a lump on her breast. I felt this physically. But one day she phoned me to say she had to go for tests. I came home from work to support her. She was not happy. Then the day she went for the tests they were done in 25 minutes. I know someone else who had the same thing and their tests took 2 days. After the tests any time I asked her about it I got vague replies.

This all happened in the run up to Christmas too. I wondered was it a hoax, I felt the lump but had wondered if she got the all clear and kept playing on it.

I will never know.

[Leonis]

My ex has claimed pregnancy and miscarriage even though she never went to the doctor to confirm either. We were on two forms of birth control at the time and she would say stuff like "I feel pregnant" and wanted me to believe it. I guess being the me that I am, I quickly looked up stuff and say what else it could be.

Then, she claimed that her right ovary has been hurting since October last year back in May, which she never mentioned, but used it against me during our breakup about how I was inconsiderate, blah blah blah. I told her to get to the doctor's, but she never went. I've seen her medical record and I know the only visit she's had was when she had a supposed reaction to NuvaRing. She was referred to a sonographer by the ER for further check up, but she never went.

When I revisited the issue with her earlier in June, she said she's feeling much better now. Less pain, etc. I highly doubt she went to the doctor's at all. She claimed that it's just a cyst. I know women can get them, but having them not resolving in over six months? Also, wouldn't it also affect her ability to conceive if cysts last for months?

The only real physical ailment I see is the fact that she's underweight, and according to her, she's only about 90lbs, which is easily a 15lb drop since we'd broken up.

[Hopefulgirl]

My exBpd friend used to complain about back pain all the time and also stomach aches.  I began to see it as a way to excuse himself out of obligations or when he was too anxious to do something. It seemed very childlike. I've read on many other posts that people who have BPD complain about aches and pains, but not sure if it's a trait, coincidence?

He later admitted to me for some reason that he sometimes faked being sick. Like he ate things he knew would make him sick and sometimes vomit. So that he would be left alone, but at the same time felt sorry for?

[Mars22]

my pwBPD traits had the following:

migraines.

heart issues

teeth grinding (from the migraines)

a leaky gut

body not absorbing minerals and vitamins (per a nutritionist)

sick or would have cold almost monthly.

Hormone unbalance issues (from the pill apparently).

just a few ...

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone

I believe my son does much better when around me for a while, so far in 2 weeks I get him to take a bath and he allows me to wash his hair without being histarical. He's not only willing to go into the water at the pool but sits in the water and gets on his hands and knees and crawls in the pool. A few weeks ago he screamed so bad I couldn't get him into the bath tub and he cried and clung on to me at the pool not letting me go.

I did go to parenting classes a while back and intend to start again, dispiplining a boy is way different than my daughters so far, maybe he's just dealing with all this drama in his own way?

He's now in temporary daycare and loving being with other kids, his grandma (exgfs mother) said when mom cares for him she don't leave the apartment. Her bf does take him outside, so he's doing the work just like I did.

I'm doing my best, one day at a time

[BirdinFlight]

My ex feigned restless leg and would shake his legs to the the point that you would have thought he was going into convulsions. He did this because he didn't want to sleep with me. He'd go to sleep on the couch and would be perfectly still if he thought I wasn't watching. If I had a medical problem, he had a worse one. All roads led back to him no matter what the topic, but especially where medical problems were concerned. The need to keep all attention on himself was pathological. If we were walking down the street for instance and I mentioned that I had a headache, he'd immediately start to limp to draw attention to himself. One time I told him that I had my period and I swear that he immediately started talking about a time he was bleeding. He actually kept a list whereby he wrote down every injury and illness he had since childhood! He also fake cried on cue when he needed more attention (which was any time he thought someone else might be getting some). And we miss them, why again?

[JerryRG]

Wow BirdinFlight

That's brings back some haunting memories, my exgf was the same way, always the center of attention or she would do something to get the attention. My health didn't much matter to her. Yes why do we miss them?

Thank you for reminding me how one sided our relationship was, "I gave, she took, the end". Lol

[sweet tooth]

In 11 months my ex had the following ailments:

-A thyroid problem. She went to the doctor complaining of symptoms a few times. Her levels always came back normal after the tests.

-Chronic sore throats and colds.

-Spent a night in the ER due to a sore throat

-Fell on the ice and hurt her knee. No broken bone, but she wore a brace and walked with an exaggerated limp.

She complained of physical ailments very frequently. In fact, I would say that she presented herself as ill more often than not.

Let me put it this way: I think she really did have a thyroid issue and really did fall and hurt her knee. However, I think the severity of any issue she had was exaggerated to receive attention and sympathy. She had a major victim mentality. Most people typically give sympathy to the ill.

She also dragged her kid into it. Her kid came home from the kid's dad's house with a few bruises. She told me that she took the kid to the doctor to see if the dad hit the kid. She also told me some stuff about the dad not giving the kid medicine because he thought the kid didn't need it. Mind you, this could have been 100% false and/or part of a smear campaign. I'm just going off of what she told me.

[Icanteven]

Headaches/Migraines

Nerve Pain

IBS

Sick for nearly three months once


I believe every single one of these experiences/ailments are and were very real to her, as the medicines she's taken for said ailments is also very real and the constant sleeping/listlessness was also very real.  That said, it felt like she was always experiencing some sort of physical ailment(s).

Is it psychosomatic?  No clue as I'm not a clinician, but I can't help but believe that her mental illness and physical ailments aren't somehow related.

[Herodias]

Mine fakes allot of illnesses to get out of work or situations he didn't want to be in. Yes, sounds like she is mirroring your cancer... It is what they do. Mine used my sisters cancer, but told everyone I had it. He went so far as to have a liver biopsy all the while knowing he drank allot and didn't tell the dr.s. This got him out of work. I think sometimes we all like a little attention. She may be using this for attention to her as well. Someone may have said something to her about you and she realized it got attention for you. She may want to copy it for herself. You never know. You just cannot react if possible. Gray rock. Be boring as a gray rock in the road. Don't react... .she will take her drama elsewhere. If it is true you will know soon enough and then can deal with anything wrong wither appropriately. If she says she thinks she has cancer... .just say, I am sorry to hear that. The end. Gray rock technique... .you can look it up. It works really well apparently.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

My ex "had" so many illnesses and was sick all the time.  Which gave him a reason/excuse to not work, be out of touch, be chronically and ridiculously late, and generally not be responsible for his life and behavior.

He "had:"  MS, Lupus, Addison's Disease, brain tumor, depression, anxiety, ADD, extreme sensitivity to heat, and something that made him throw up all the time...   He reported not being able to walk for two weeks due to his MS.  It may actually be true that he didn't walk for two weeks but probably not b/c of MS (that he doesn't actually have!).

Interestingly, he got locked up and the neuro-psych report only verified Addison's Disease. 

He was relentless in all ways... .illnesses included.

[JerryRG]

So it is pretty much for attention and getting out of obligations as adults? Like I said I grew used to the ailments and blocked them out. Why on earth would a healthy person want to be around someone so ill, mentally and physically is beyond me.

And pwBPD need to work on their BPD issues first, I would think?

Kind of like letting your car run out of gas then complain the car don't run.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

HA!  My UxBPDbf ran out of gas all the time too!  Or at least he said he did.  There were SO many reasons he couldn't do what he was supposed to do. 

[balletomane]

Often people who have serious difficulty regulating their emotions or understanding their own mental state will experience psychosomatic physical symptoms (aches and pains that have no biological cause) that they will then fixate on as the source of all their problems. I work in a child and adolescent mental health service, and we quite regularly see children like this - they can't even identify their feelings and don't know how to manage and respond to their moods, so they talk about headaches, stomachaches, and being sick. One girl in particular is constantly demanding to see a medical doctor and she's convinced that she's got all sorts wrong with her, even though her physical tests are perfect. Hopefully with therapy and support these kids will develop more insight into their emotional states and be able to manage better. But remember that a lot of people with BPD have never had much help, so they may cling on to this way of coping.

My ex told me that he could feel his body disintegrating and he knew he would be dead within a year. I don't doubt that he genuinely felt pain. I am also pretty sure that his pains had a psychological cause. I'm not saying that this is the reason why every person with BPD might become convinced they have an illness (or lie about having one - saying "I have cancer" is obviously different from reporting aches and pains and fatigue). The usual disclaimer about people being different applies. But it's something to consider.

[fromheeltoheal]

So it is pretty much for attention and getting out of obligations as adults?

I agree with balletonmane that emotional unease can manifest as psychosomatic physical symptoms, and there's a benefit to doing that too: if someone has a physical issue, it's something they have instead of something they are.  And the narcissistic supply of the attention they get and the ability to play victim are secondary benefits.

Like I said I grew used to the ailments and blocked them out. Why on earth would a healthy person want to be around someone so ill, mentally and physically is beyond me.

Great question.  So has this discourse given you information you can use and helped your detachment Jerry?

[JerryRG]

Yes fromheeltoheal

This does help me in that I realize what I was dealing with and why being with my exgf literally drove me crazy with anxiety and confusion. The one thing I do know is she hasn't changed in regard to being ill and or fake illnesses. I guess the people around her including her family are just so used to hearing it they've lost the ability to even hear her anymore.

Sad, just sad. Bpd is a horrible thing indeed

[fromheeltoheal]

Sad, just sad. Bpd is a horrible thing indeed

Yep.  And as we detach we can develop compassion for someone who is doing the best they can with what they have, just like all of us.  Hard to see when we're in the middle of it yes?

[Herodias]

Yes fromheeltoheal

This does help me in that I realize what I was dealing with and why being with my exgf literally drove me crazy with anxiety and confusion. The one thing I do know is she hasn't changed in regard to being ill and or fake illnesses. I guess the people around her including her family are just so used to hearing it they've lost the ability to even hear her anymore.

Sad, just sad. Bpd is a horrible thing indeed

That is why I wrote to his parents that I now understand what they were trying to tell me about him without putting it bluntly. The parents have learned to not react and disengage. It is very sad. I thought mine was just so unhappy because he just wanted his parents love and couldn't get it... .now I see that they can't deal with him anymore. He will not help himself. There was one time when he was on medication and doing better... .his Mother was so impressed and thought it was the best she had ever seen him. It didn't last long and she was in tears again... .It has to be heartbreaking to have a child like this. I feel for the parents. They can't go around breaking up their kids relationships I am sure. They just keep hoping things will some day get better.

[adventurer]

I don't have the heart or stamina to give the list now but sickness was a near constant for 10 years, always cycling from one thing to the next and very little medically diagnosable.

She usually had the energy, or would 'power through', to do fun things she wanted, just none of the financial or household responsibilities of sharing a partnership.

Now I am sure I am painted as the man cruelly abandoning a sick person, but I cannot and am not interested in parenting a grown woman. I feel some guilt and some fear of judgement from others about this, but am working on getting past these issues.

I hope she someday gets the help she needs, truly, but she is not my responsibility and my focus is now (as much as possible) healing my own trauma and becoming an emotionally healthy and capable individual.