Only the Strong Survive

[Wood stock]

For two years, I have read and learned so much about BPD from this forum--thank you BPD family for the support and validation you have given me in dealing with this toxic relationship.

That said, I cannot help but come to this conclusion: I know it's hard for BPD individuals to admit their wrongs and/or have the courage to seek their personal truth, but I have had my fill of "they just can't help it" or "they don't know how to admit they need help." In life, people have illnesses, shortcomings, problems. The strong ones come to point of reckoning and DO SOMETHING about the state they find themselves in. For example, overweight individuals join Weight Watchers (or something similar); people who don't feel well physically go to a doctor; folks who don't have the necessary skills to get their dream job go to college to get a degree in their field of choice. Like the overweight person who one day looks in the mirror and says, "I don't want to be fat anymore and I must do something about it," someone with a personality disorder--AT SOME POINT--must and CAN come to some sort of a reckoning with him/herself and say, "I must change.  I have this pattern and it isn't working for me."

Even if the financial resources aren't there, these people could certainly get online and read/learn about the personality disorder spectrum or they could go to a library and check out a darn book on the matter. They CHOOSE not to. They CHOOSE to continue the pattern of blaming, denying, and hurting everyone around them.  They don't have the courage to face the truth? Well... .that's too bad.  I guess these seemingly strong and confident individuals aren't so strong after all.  I say it's the concept of natural selection at work.  

Forgive me, but I am about finished with learning about a disorder that isn't my own. I have a life to live, and I am quite sure I already gave my pBpd enough of my valuable time and energy. Enough already. It's time I let him either have some sort of reckoning with himself or more likely, go on and create another mess for himself.

I loved this man, but this is getting ridiculous. Rarely do we make excuses for someone who is obese or unemployed... .we say, "Well, that person needs to get up off his/her behind and do something about it." And many folks in that situation do. There is no excuse for the BPD individual to continuously behave the way he/she does, and I am baffled that we sit here on this forum and continue to make excuses for them. Enough already.

There are resources and help out there... .we found one didn't we?  

[Wize]

Hey Wood stock.  Right there with you.  Disordered or not, pwBPD are adults who are responsible and accountable for themselves, their behavior and their abuse to others.  And like you, I am ready to step back and say "you know what, I've spent the past two months finding out everything I can to make sense of this disorder and that's all the time my ex is going to get."  Time to move on with my life.  Thanks for you post.

[Wood stock]

Good for you Wize! That is why I posted this... .hoping it might hit home with others trying to let go.  I actually was prepared to get something from one of the administrators about having compassion and empathy, etc. which might be appropriate for those trying to stay in a relationship with a BPD.  But as this is the section for MOVING ON from a relationship... .I thought it was appropriate. I know I feel better having come to that conclusion. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not anymore. Best to you... .

[fromheeltoheal]

That is the sound of detachment Woodstock.  Contrast it with folks who recycle with a borderline time and time again; screw you I'm outta here is certainly another option, and a healthy one, if that's what you say you want.

BPD is a disorder that exists to deny itself, and there are so many psychological tools in place to not be introspective that the real issues are literally unavailable to a borderline.  And BPD is a mental illness, a whole lot more going on than eating too much, getting fat and being disgusted with yourself, and therefore getting the leverage to change.  And, it's not possible to separate the disorder from the person, it's 'who they are', as a result of order becoming disorder very early in their development.  It's helpful to think about it like alcoholism, another incurable disease with sufferers living in denial, until they trash their lives so thoroughly, hit bottom as it's termed, that the truth becomes undeniable and they seek help, or not, they might continue and drink themselves to death.  So where is a borderline's bottom?

So what's next WS?  We learn after a while of being out of the relationship that it's not about the borderline anymore, it's about the things they awakened in us, beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world, many of which we may have been in denial of, and the spotlight the borderline shines on those issues, for their own reasons, can end up being the gift of the relationship, as we take wiser, better versions of ourselves out into the world, on the way to creating fulfilling lives we love.  And we may just look back and consider the relationship a gift, because we got to places in our own personal growth that we may have gotten to anyway, but with the help of a borderline's turbocharging, got there faster.  Any of that speaking to you?

[myself]

My ex has had every chance there is to better her life, to create more calm and peace, to act lovingly instead of spitefully, to make appointments with therapists and follow through, to not burn her bridges, whatever. She could talk all day and night about how such things are beneficial, but when it comes down to it that's for everybody else, not Her. Would proclaim she was already there, but obviously wasn't. Would also say that none of that stuff is actually good, because everybody lies, therapists are predators, etc. I definitely agree there are choices that can be made, especially as adults, but if the person is too warped/disordered to get there it usually doesn't happen. The resistance is far too much. There's something inside a pwBPD that seems to feel more comfortable, that relates, as it were, with chaos. That 'chooses' to run away instead of to walk towards. These are patterns of fear and survival, in brains that are pretty constantly in fight or flight mode, in victim mode, in instant gratification mode, in years and years of pain and disappointment... .There's the saying, "A leopard can't change its spots." Another could be, "A pwBPD can't become a 'non'." Not even close.

[Wood stock]

And I called it... .an "ambassador" saying "it's who they are"... .I'm calling BS... .they need to wake up and realize "who they are" and the non-BPDs need to have the PERMISSION TO WALK AWAY.  A serial killer does what he/she does because it's "who they are"... .does our legal system cut him a break because it's "who they are"?

Get real... .it may very well be "who they are" but that doesn't make it acceptable. AND it doesn't make a jury or a non-BPD partner the bad guy because they just don't understand. This rhetoric from this forum really is non-productive for those trying to get out and save themselves.

[once removed]

big difference between excusing and understanding behavior Wood stock. this is the Detaching board and no one needs anyones permission to walk away; weve all either done that or been left.

it seems that you are committed to just that, having recognized the unhealthy nature of the relationship which is more than i was able to do. and youre right, at some point we get our fill of learning about BPD, we exhaust ourselves of compassion (big difference between compassion and pity too) and its time to give that compassion to ourselves.

the title of this thread is "only the strong survive". people with BPD are not an emotional hercules. pwBPD are not strong, confident individuals, but individuals of low self worth and self esteem. i think thats all anyone is saying: you might as well tell a blind person to see. no one is telling you thats a reason to accept abuse.

they need to wake up and realize "who they are"

i wish it were that easy for a person (any person) to change, Wood stock, i do, and at this point in detaching, we cant wake our exes up, only they can do that for themselves, which would be nice, but we have that opportunity; we can wake up and realize who we are, who we want to be, and we want to go on to healthy, happy relationships, right?

[fromheeltoheal]

You're right Wood stock, to many of us, and to all of us here on the Detaching board, a borderline's behavior is not acceptable.  It is literally true that someone with a personality disorder, a mental illness, developed that disorder so early in their development, in the first few years of life and before cognitive thought was possible, that it gets hardwired into their personality; one way of describing that is that is who they are, and they're also adults, and all adults are responsible for their behavior and its consequences.  It's not a borderline's fault they became disordered, but they are responsible for their actions, just like all of us.

You mention that you don't understand, the behaviors of someone with a personality disorder are hard to understand and are confusing, although that doesn't make us the bad guy, it makes us folks who have been hurt by the fallout of those behaviors, which is why this site exists, so we can help each other understand, detach, and heal.  You also mention people without personality disorders need to have permission to walk away; can you expand on that?

[Wood stock]

Thank you for your insight heeltoheal and once removed. Thank you for your steadfast commitment to those of us on this site and for your patience with us when we get frustrated and cranky. Thank you for your help... .

[rfriesen]

There's something inside a pwBPD that seems to feel more comfortable, that relates, as it were, with chaos. That 'chooses' to run away instead of to walk towards. These are patterns of fear and survival, in brains that are pretty constantly in fight or flight mode, in victim mode, in instant gratification mode, in years and years of pain and disappointment... .

This resonates completely with my experience with my ex. The thing that I have most difficulty wrapping my mind around is that my ex had a great deal of insight into this. She could almost have written the words quoted above herself and agreed that they apply to her. But she can't bring herself to take any steps to change. Instead she would tell me, "I thought you would be the one who lasted. The one who connected with me and made it work. The one who would never leave."

The way she would say these things to me captures perfectly how she was both the most seductive person to ever come into my life and the most able to heap on me a boundless sense of responsibility, guilt, and shame.

It's precisely the way she twisted my mind into accepting all responsibility and guilt for her own faults - her rage, her lies, her chaos, her coldness - that makes me relate to Wood stock's frustration and hurt. Now that I've finally started detaching, I have to admit it leaves a real bitter taste accepting that she'll apparently never take responsibility for her actions, but just go on thinking I should have done more.

But accepting it is the only thing to do. It's the reality of my situation. Whether I blame her or make excuses for her ... .it doesn't change anything for me now. I can see she's in tremendous pain and is terrified to deal with that. She needs to out with people or new love/sex interests all the time, so as to keep from facing her issues. Again, she knows all this - she's told me as much explicitly. So, sure, I think she's responsible for her behaviour, especially given the level of insight she has. At the same time, I do have compassion for her because I love her and hope she'll some day face her demons and find a stable happiness. But compassion doesn't mean I'll take any further responsibility for her, or that I think her behaviour is ok. She will have to find her way without me now, and I hope she finds her way out of her darkness eventually. In the meantime, I'll rebuild and move on with my life. I have no more fantasies of reconciling with her. My biggest fantasy related to my ex now is that maybe we can someday have a real, open, honest conversation about all we went through. I make sure to remind myself this is fantasy, though -- I do not place my hope and energy in it.

[Sadly]

Hello
Am not brilliant with words but I get everything everyone has been saying on this post.I am sat here now crushed and crying after another recycle but I actually take the blame for that because I went right back in with my eyes wide open knowing where it would end, again. However, and I truly know this, my undiagnosed ex who is by the way text book BPD, knows there is something )a bit not right) in his head but never, no way on earth does he know he has a serious PD. When he says its others, he really means it. He is an educated and clever guy but genuinely cannot see what is wrong with himself.  It's amazing, when he visits his parents , his father is a rude, ignorant controlling opinionated bully, I have seen it first hand and my ex gets terribly upset by the way he talks to and treats his mother and he just cannot see how he duplicates this in his own life. It's so weird to listen to. This is one of the reasons I no longer feel the terrible anger with him, just the inevitable sadness. I sit here and cry for him as much as me and blame myself because I do know what I am doing and still go back for more. He thinks his ex with whom he has a 19 yr estranged son is mentally ill and that's why his son isolates himself in his room, self harms and will have nothing to do with him. He genuinely discusses trying to save him, have him live with him and help him to be normal. My heart breaks for him because he so so believes it. I do think if he could acknowledge he has a problem he would get help if only to help his son but he can't. He even said after his last visit home that he was afraid his dad was not a very nice man and that he had always been like that. Please don't think that all those with BPD can recognise it and get help if they wanted to, it really doesn't work like that with everyone. Luck with your healing.
Sadly
xx

[Fr4nz]

I loved this man, but this is getting ridiculous. Rarely do we make excuses for someone who is obese or unemployed... .we say, "Well, that person needs to get up off his/her behind and do something about it." And many folks in that situation do. There is no excuse for the BPD individual to continuously behave the way he/she does, and I am baffled that we sit here on this forum and continue to make excuses for them. Enough already.

There are resources and help out there... .we found one didn't we?  

I agree... .and just to add my 2 cents, I'll report my experience: my ex gf had 2 accidents while driving her scooter - one in 2009 and the other one in 2013. In both cases, these accidents happened because she was completely drunk (i.e., on the brink of ethilic coma!). In both cases, she risked her life.

Nonetheless, between the two accidents, and after the second accident, she continued to indulge with her binge drinking, thus proving that she did not learn a thing and that she is not able to control her own impulses. And, let's not talk about getting some kind of psychological help... .that never crossed her mind, apparently.

I could literally tell tens of stories of weekends/new year celebrations/marriage parties we attended that prematurely ended because she got drunk, then got crazy, and then I had to bring her home in order to avoid a further degeneration of the situation... .oh, and the fights that ensued when I tried to talk with her about this problem... .

And, to reinforce my observations, I got to know from one of her former exes that she always behaved like this in the past... .and she continued like this even after me (if not worse, in fact my replacement left her ).

[Sadly]

My ex gets drunk all the time. Every night, if he didn't he couldn't live with the horrors going on in his head. It's his escape from the horror of being him. In the cold light of day he knows he shouldn't drink like this but he can't articulate or even admit to why he needs to escape himself. My head is f*cked with what he has done to me, but I don't need to escape me through drink. They are more to be pitied than scorned. x

[Fr4nz]

Hey Sad,

even my ex gf once told me that she drinks because of the demons (I.e., bad thoughts going on) in her head, so that is a tool used to shut down her brain. I'm sure that is part of the truth.

another part is that she drinks to "have fun", so she can feel the most extreme feelings, or because she's just bored.

Indeed, what a hellacious life they live!

[Herodias]

Hey Sad,

even my ex gf once told me that she drinks because of the demons (I.e., bad thoughts going on) in her head, so that is a tool used to shut down her brain. I'm sure that is part of the truth.

another part is that she drinks to "have fun", so she can feel the most extreme feelings, or because she's just bored.

Indeed, what a hellacious life they live!

Yes, mine said the same thing about the demons and voices in his head. I don't always like the voices in my head either, but drug addicts and alcoholics use their "drug of choice" to calm them... .I use ice cream,   Still not good, but just helps me sleep and doesn't get me in any trouble.

[JerryRG]

My exgf told me her doc told her to drink 3 or 4 beers before bed to help her relax, on top of her phyche meds

[Herodias]

My exgf told me her doc told her to drink 3 or 4 beers before bed to help her relax, on top of her phyche meds

.  That's so funny... .Sounds like something my ex would say... ,

[JerryRG]

Silly rabbit, trix are for nons... .