Were you stalked/monitored/harassed after being discarded? How did you cope?

[sweet tooth]

I've been monitored through numbers I don't recognize, ambiguous LinkedIn views, bizarre friend requests/messages on Facebook, and dubious contact from a "flying monkey." I'm coping my limiting my social media use and completely ignoring unknown numbers.

I'm struggling with the reasons behind it. I know it's a fruitless exercise to attempt to understand the motives of a disturbed person. It's really driving me batty. The only thing I can come up with is that her disordered mind views me as property. She wants to know what I'm up to in order to make sure I'm not moving on. Of course, she won't offer me me the sme luxury, since she un-friended my friend who introduced us and myself... .and I'm not crazy enough to spy on a person by using a fake profile.

I'm afraid of a few things:

1. Escalation of monitoring/stalking behaviors

2. Full blown re-engagement

3. Retaliation if I post stuff involving other people/women. She was not happy with the fact that her ex-husband had a new woman... .even though she left him... .

Anyway, I would appreciate reading your stories and coping mechanisms for this sort of thing. Thanks.

[steelwork]

Retaliation/escalation: are those plausible fears given what you know of her?

[Herodias]

Shut some of it down... .I had to start all over with Facebook. I still have him blocked, but I have my maiden name now. You can change your name to a nick name or something... .But seriously, if you are afraid, then shut it all down. I stayed off of Facebook two months... I really didn't miss it. Now I find I barely use it and I only have relatives and close friends as "friends" anyway.

[sweet tooth]

Retaliation/escalation: are those plausible fears given what you know of her?

In hindsight, she was extraordinarily vindictive toward her ex-husband. It was a Grade A smear campaign:

-Labeled him a sociopath and narcissist

-Accused him of domestic violence (could be true or not, but I'm erring on not).

-Accused him of having sexual thoughts about their child (again, erring on not) because he thought changing the kid's diaper was inappropriate (her words directly to me).

-Took the kid to the doctor because the kid had bruises, accusing him of physically abusing the kid. The doc disproved those claims.

-Accused him of kidnapping the kid.

-She took vindictive pleasure when she had court victories over him. She told me hoe the judge "put him in his place," etc.

In other words, she basically tried to ruin his reputation. Some other notes of interest:

-He had no Facebook. From her behavior, this leads me to believe he deactivated it because she harassed him.

-I personally witnessed her harass him. She would call his cell phone, always under the pretense of "wanting to talk to the kid to say good night." He would usually hang up on her, if not he would just hand the phone to the kid to shut her up. Eventually, he deactivated his phone without telling her and she went into a mini-rage. In hindsight, I think he did it to stop her harassment.

-She told me he would record their child exchanges (at the police station) to "be dramatic." Again, in hindsight, I think he did this so she couldn't falsely accuse him of anything.

I don't have a child with this person, but I was her only significant relationship since she left her ex-husband. She doesn't have the excuse of harassing me because of any children, thank goodness. However, she is dangerous from a legal standpoint. She also is a walking contradiction: She told me how she tried to attempt to include the ex-husband in family activities "for the sake of the kid" after she left him (and accused him of all of these horrible things). In reality, I think those were charm attempts.

If she charmed him, what's going to stop her from hovering me?

[Herodias]

"-He had no Facebook. From her behavior, this leads me to believe he deactivated it because she harassed him."

Exactly what you should do if you are worried... .I am afraid you are caught up in the drama of it all. Take a look at why you are focusing on this. It is normal to be so caught up in drama with these people, that it's hard to deal with it when it is gone. It is part of the trauma bond. You have to start to tell yourself that you need to calm down and move away from this toxic person. It takes time I know. I did it too. We were so used to drama that life seems dull when we are out of the r/s. You have allot more social media accounts than I ever did though. I only have Facebook. I think you need to try and figure out something else to spend your time doing. I went to a concert last night and had the best time dancing! We really need to find fun things to do and move away from the chaos. Have a life, instead of watching one.    

[sweet tooth]

You're right, Blue. That's why I logged off. I use FB to do some work for a business through Hoot Suite. If I completely deactivated my account it would complicate stuff. I can run that page, and that page only, through Hoot Suite to post stuff for the business without going through my personal page, so that's what I do.

[Dhand77]

I shut down everything Sweet Tooth. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr, Imgur, Reddit even my Spotify and Amazon wish lists. Is it an inconvenience? Sure. Especially giving up my Spotify. But, was it worth it? Absolutely.

I figured out she was still watching my social media pages through dummy accounts since I had her blocked everywhere she could be blocked. So, I killed EVERYTHING.

It's helped my well being and piece of mind immensely, despite being out of the loop for pretty much everything social media related.

I'm done with the drama, and since I don't have a social media presence, I don't have drama. I highly suggest you try the same. Deactivate everything for a month or two, it doesn't have to be permanently, just until you've detached a bit more.

[balletomane]

My ex has not stalked or harassed me. Since I told him I was ending contact on 3rd June last year, I have only heard from him once - a brief email in response to my decision to end contact, saying I had hurt him badly and blaming the failure of our relationship/friendship on me.

I have, however, had a stalker before - not an ex-romantic partner, a woman I'd never met in my life but who became obsessed with me just from reading my blog. She never interacted with me directly, but used to email my friends about me. Then she moved five hundred miles to my town in order to be closer to me and I had to get the police involved.  My heart goes out to anyone affected by stalking. It's terrifying.

[stimpy]

Hey Sweet Tooth,

yes, I had this for many months after she discarded me. Phone calls from unidentified numbers, monitoring me on Meetup, booking onto events I'd booked onto, booking off if I booked off them and this went on for almost a year. But simultaneously, no proper adult communication, just silent treatment.

Why?

Well, my take on it is that it is a way of maintaining the attachment and connection, without all the troublesome actual grown up relationship stuff that she couldn't cope with. Also to try and provoke me into acting in some way. If I reacted then of course she knows she's still got me where she wants me.

What did I do. Just live my life and played grey rock with her. No reaction. Nothing. Just ignored her. And eventually she either got bored or has found someone else. I don't care what, I just want her out of my life once and for all.

[JerryRG]

I'm sitting here with my son, he's napping and he caught a cold from his tiny friends in daycare, poor baby. Anyway I text his mother yesterday and told her he's out of diapers, no response.

My point is I'm wondering what she's scheming up for our next go around, it's been 14 days and very limited text from her, which is good but then there's that nagging suspicion she's up to no good.

She stalked me a lot during our on and off again relationship stuff and always seemed to know who I was with. Very disturbing

I hope this is on topic? I'm wore out with my little one being so crabby and clingy with his sniffles.

Do they ever just go away? Like a nightmare I never wake up from.

[sweet tooth]

I'm sitting here with my son, he's napping and he caught a cold from his tiny friends in daycare, poor baby. Anyway I text his mother yesterday and told her he's out of diapers, no response.

My point is I'm wondering what she's scheming up for our next go around, it's been 14 days and very limited text from her, which is good but then there's that nagging suspicion she's up to no good.

She stalked me a lot during our on and off again relationship stuff and always seemed to know who I was with. Very disturbing

I hope this is on topic? I'm wore out with my little one being so crabby and clingy with his sniffles.

Do they ever just go away? Like a nightmare I never wake up from.

How did she stalk you? Yes, it's on topic.

[JerryRG]

She drove by my ex wife's place and flipped her off I don't know how many times. She knew I was inside her home when I would go visit my daughter. Don't know how she could see what I was doing unless she was looking in the windows, such as me sitting next to my ex wife. My exgf would describe details that were pretty accurate.

She told me she had friends watching me all over town. Friends in my apartment building watching me. She even told me if I went to eat where her bf works she had a friend making sure I don't talk to him.

I'm half asleep but I'm sure I could remember more.

She just always knew where I was, she broke into my Facebook account last fall and told people I was deleting my account.

She set up a new account just last May and I'm sure she was looking at my stuff. Following me on twitter, I made an account but still haven't used it.

Got my new phone number last Dec when I was NC and text me

Got my ex wife's phone number last year, her and her sister called my ex wife and said we were having another baby, how often we had sex and childish stuff like that.

[sweet tooth]

Wow... .Mine won't make direct contact like that, at least not yet. I think that would put me over the edge.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

My ex stalked me for 10 months contacting me over 700 times during that period of time.  He turned my life and my kids' lives upside down.  My daughter has serious PTSD as a result which she has only just begun to deal with it this week which is 1.5 yr after it started.  He stopped when he got locked up for something unrelated to me.  His lock up his been heaven.  I do not know what will happen when he gets out.

I did NOT respond to his contacts.  I do mot answer unknown phone numbers.  His calls went to voicemail.  I did not block him lest he think he was impacting me.  I moved offices, changed my locks, installed a security system, installed blinds, would go to my mother's when he was particularly ramped up.  

I did not pursue a restraining order.  I took my strategy from the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.  It kept me sane, gave me a strategy and gave me the confidence to implement the strategy (no response).

I did keep an excel spreadsheet to track every contact.   I talked to my sisters all the time.  Read the book all the time.  I did EFT (emotional freedom technique), lots of Byron Katie Judge a your Neighbor worksheet.  I saw a therapist who does RRT (rapid resolution therapy).  

It was a lot of work but I feel good.  

Hang in there.  This is a tough road.  

XOXO
RML

[sweet tooth]

My ex stalked me for 10 months contacting me over 700 times during that period of time.  He turned my life and my kids' lives upside down.  My daughter has serious PTSD as a result which she has only just begun to deal with it this week which is 1.5 yr after it started.  He stopped when he got locked up for something unrelated to me.  His lock up his been heaven.  I do not know what will happen when he gets out.

I did NOT respond to his contacts.  I do mot answer unknown phone numbers.  His calls went to voicemail.  I did not block him lest he think he was impacting me.  I moved offices, changed my locks, installed a security system, installed blinds, would go to my mother's when he was particularly ramped up.  

I did not pursue a restraining order.  I took my strategy from the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.  It kept me sane, gave me a strategy and gave me the confidence to implement the strategy (no response).

I did keep an excel spreadsheet to track every contact.   I talked to my sisters all the time.  Read the book all the time.  I did EFT (emotional freedom technique), lots of Byron Katie Judge a your Neighbor worksheet.  I saw a therapist who does RRT (rapid resolution therapy).  

It was a lot of work but I feel good.  

Hang in there.  This is a tough road.  

XOXO
RML

That's horrible. I'm sorry that you went through all of that. My BPD person is doing everything anonymously. There had been no direct contact. I received another call from a number I did not recognize earlier. I also don't answer them, mostly because I almost always keep my ringer off and call back if I receive a message. Of course, these calls never leave messages!

Every time I get an unknown number call, etc, it sets me back emotionally. 

[sweet tooth]

Hey Sweet Tooth,

yes, I had this for many months after she discarded me. Phone calls from unidentified numbers, monitoring me on Meetup, booking onto events I'd booked onto, booking off if I booked off them and this went on for almost a year. But simultaneously, no proper adult communication, just silent treatment.

Why?

Well, my take on it is that it is a way of maintaining the attachment and connection, without all the troublesome actual grown up relationship stuff that she couldn't cope with. Also to try and provoke me into acting in some way. If I reacted then of course she knows she's still got me where she wants me.

What did I do. Just live my life and played grey rock with her. No reaction. Nothing. Just ignored her. And eventually she either got bored or has found someone else. I don't care what, I just want her out of my life once and for all.

It's truly sick and pathetic. I can't think of any other ways to describe this phenomena. These people are incapable of having adult relationships of ANY kind. Mine told me not to contact her again, yet monitors me. Like you said, no adult communication.

[freemanstrut]

My ex is moving 1000 miles across the country today to a city an hour drive away from me while posting online about how she wants me back and misses me.

I am not happy about this.

[sweet tooth]

My ex is moving 1000 miles across the country today to a city an hour drive away from me while posting online about how she wants me back and misses me.

I am not happy about this.

That's sick. If she was the one to discard you it's even sicker... .

[Leonis]

That's sick. If she was the one to discard you it's even sicker... .

They'll find whatever to justify their actions. My ex had own reasons to why she reconciled after the first breakup last year. Of course, the answers also changed when we broke up this past April.

1. Last year: She tried to date other guys, but only the scummy ones approach her. Now: She just can't do relationships. Guys just come to her.

2. Last year: She thought I was persistent for some time. Now: I seem to have "coerced" her into coming back.

3. Last year: She "realized" that she wasn't really trying after I called her out on it during her August hiccup. Now: She warned me she didn't want to do it anymore, but I kept on pressuring her.

4. Last year: She felt that she really wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and told her family about it. Now: She wanted to "try" to be a commitment type of girl because I was a commitment type of guy. It's not what she wants since she likes the single lifestyle.

Like seriously? I mean, I understand your views and feelings about someone can change, but not this absurdly. Honestly, I didn't even push for marriage. She did. I only listed marriage as a potential future. It's like how she claims I pressured her into sex. I'm sorry, I didn't force you to drive an hour to my place (I lived in a different city at the time) and force you to do it. Gosh, I wasn't even the first one to lose their clothes.

[sweet tooth]

Leonis, that sounds like it goes with the "unstable sense of self" territory. Feelings = Facts. She can't keep her story straight because her feelings keep changing (which therefore causes reality to change). Mine was the same way. She constantly flip-flopped on the nature of our relationship. She told me she couldn't talk to me every day, yet she continued to message me daily. She stated, "you're a good friend and I don't want that to ever change/I don't want to hurt you" and then she told me not to contact her again. There are other examples, too.

Now add internet monitoring/stalking/indirect and sneaky contact to this. It's hurtful, confusing, and messes with your head. You don't know if it's truly over or if the person will eventually re-emerge. I feel like I'm being treated as property rather than a human being with my own desires, needs, and emotions.

Even though she told me "do not contact me again," it feels like I'm being victimized with the stalking behaviors. What's worse is that I have no physical proof that it's actually her. If I demand that she stop, the tables can be turned on me. I can picture her saying, "You're crazy. I'm not doing this to you. However, I told you not to contact me and you are. You are stalking me and I have proof." She is very smart and she is also deranged. I can picture her twisting it around like that: making me out to be the perpetrator and her the victim while getting the court system involved (please see my comments about the ex-husband in a previous reply).

Am I being paranoid thinking this way?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Even though she told me "do not contact me again," it feels like I'm being victimized with the stalking behaviors. What's worse is that I have no physical proof that it's actually her. If I demand that she stop, the tables can be turned on me. I can picture her saying, "You're crazy. I'm not doing this to you. However, I told you not to contact me and you are. You are stalking me and I have proof." She is very smart and she is also deranged. I can picture her twisting it around like that: making me out to be the perpetrator and her the victim while getting the court system involved (please see my comments about the ex-husband in a previous reply).

Am I being paranoid thinking this way?

I do not think you are being paranoid.  I think you are being smart.  There are too many stories on these boards of guys like you who've faced such accusations, charges and investigations. 

Get Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear."  He helped me in so many ways in terms of strategy and confidence especially in the face of a lot of pressure from friends to pursue a restraining order which I made a very conscious decision not to do.

The other thing de Becker instructed was to ask myself "am I in imminent danger?"  If so then take appropriate action.  If not, to get out of my fears and into reality.  Fear running wild is NOT helpful. 

Hope you will take a looksie.

Good luck and hang in there. 

[sweet tooth]

Thank you, Reclaiming. I first heard of that book when I used to watch Glenn Beck when he was on TV. He highly recommended it. Others on this site have recommended it, too. I think it's about time I bought it.

Also, thank you for validating my feelings that I'm being smart rather than paranoid. I wanted some outside perspective. I believe that she might be baiting me in order to abuse me through legalities. That seems to be her MO. As of why, I don't know other than to say she is deeply disturbed. Also, the "why" doesn't really matter at this point. It simply "is" and I need to deal with it safely and rationally.

I'm mourning what we had and the person I cared about. This is all very difficult to comprehend, let alone move forward from. I'm managing (slowly), though.

[Suspicious1]

I had the same thoughts as you about my ex, sweet tooth, and I ended up going to see my psychologist as I was convinced I must have some kind of erotomania.

Her response was that, based on his behaviour in general, I was very likely to be right if I felt I was being monitored a little, and that he may be attempting to stage some kind of meeting, either consciously or subconsciously, probably in order to repair his self-esteem.

As for what to do about it, she was keen that I felt confident that I had a strategy to deal with it which *didn't* involve actively avoiding the issue. I'm not in danger from this person, and it's important to state that I don't feel I'm being stalked or threatened; I honestly believe he simply wants me to bump into him so he can ignore me and therefore feel as if he's rejected me. If he can claim to our friends that I'm stalking him then that will be the icing on the cake for him. And all of that is fine - the real problem was in feeling nervous, wondering what he was up to, looking out for him so I could avoid him, wondering when this meeting will happen etc etc etc, it was turning into a much bigger deal than it really is. A little like when you avoid a phobia - it doesn't diffuse the trigger, it just feeds it power.

In any case my psychologist wanted me to not focus on narrowing down my life in order to avoid him. There was no suggestion I should block, deactivate or whatever, and I'm glad because I feel strongly that I shouldn't alter my behaviour in response to him. Instead we've been working on how to put my focus elsewhere. Really, he can look all he wants (I've looked at all my exes' social media profiles, after all). He can chat to his flying monkeys, he can hang around my home town, he can smear me to his friends and family. I'll never know about any of it, and that's all fine. Maybe he checks my social media, but so will other exes and I'll never know. I'm convinced my ex husband's girlfriend has created a Facebook account simply to spy on me as I know she's done so on other sites (creepily, the profile I think is her uses a slightly differently spelled version of my own name. Weird, freaky, but ultimately it doesn't affect me). Since I've stopped focussing on what he might be doing and how he might be feeling, life just opened right up. When he does engineer this meeting, as inevitably he will if he wants it to happen, I'll just be friendly and breezy and be on my way. But my focus now is on my own life and my own wellbeing, and it means I just have to let the other stuff go.

[sweet tooth]

I had the same thoughts as you about my ex, sweet tooth, and I ended up going to see my psychologist as I was convinced I must have some kind of erotomania.

Her response was that, based on his behaviour in general, I was very likely to be right if I felt I was being monitored a little, and that he may be attempting to stage some kind of meeting, either consciously or subconsciously, probably in order to repair his self-esteem.

As for what to do about it, she was keen that I felt confident that I had a strategy to deal with it which *didn't* involve actively avoiding the issue. I'm not in danger from this person, and it's important to state that I don't feel I'm being stalked or threatened; I honestly believe he simply wants me to bump into him so he can ignore me and therefore feel as if he's rejected me. If he can claim to our friends that I'm stalking him then that will be the icing on the cake for him. And all of that is fine - the real problem was in feeling nervous, wondering what he was up to, looking out for him so I could avoid him, wondering when this meeting will happen etc etc etc, it was turning into a much bigger deal than it really is. A little like when you avoid a phobia - it doesn't diffuse the trigger, it just feeds it power.

In any case my psychologist wanted me to not focus on narrowing down my life in order to avoid him. There was no suggestion I should block, deactivate or whatever, and I'm glad because I feel strongly that I shouldn't alter my behaviour in response to him. Instead we've been working on how to put my focus elsewhere. Really, he can look all he wants (I've looked at all my exes' social media profiles, after all). He can chat to his flying monkeys, he can hang around my home town, he can smear me to his friends and family. I'll never know about any of it, and that's all fine. Maybe he checks my social media, but so will other exes and I'll never know. I'm convinced my ex husband's girlfriend has created a Facebook account simply to spy on me as I know she's done so on other sites (creepily, the profile I think is her uses a slightly differently spelled version of my own name. Weird, freaky, but ultimately it doesn't affect me). Since I've stopped focussing on what he might be doing and how he might be feeling, life just opened right up. When he does engineer this meeting, as inevitably he will if he wants it to happen, I'll just be friendly and breezy and be on my way. But my focus now is on my own life and my own wellbeing, and it means I just have to let the other stuff go.

I don't mind looking. I mind making fake profiles to look and using those fake profiles in an attempt to engage me. And calling my phone using fake numbers. It's sneaky and inappropriate. Any other person would just contact me directly.

[freemanstrut]

My ex is moving 1000 miles across the country today to a city an hour drive away from me while posting online about how she wants me back and misses me.

I am not happy about this.

That's sick. If she was the one to discard you it's even sicker... .

She was not.  Still not happy about it.

[sweet tooth]

I don't blame you. That would be frustrating.

[sweet tooth]

I purchased The Gift of Fear. I read the first chapter. So far it's an interesting book. It's funny, I do have a "gut feeling" that my uBPDxgf could be dangerous because of the stalking and mini-rages I encountered. I don't know how rational that fear is, though.

[FallBack!Monster]

I have a "gut feeling" that my uBPDxgf could be dangerous because of the mini-rages I encountered. I don't know how rational that fear is, though.

I have been having the same thoughts lately. It's hard to say with her. She did once blurt out that "she's no killer" but all that means to me is that she might not do the deed herself... .if you know what I mean.

[JerryRG]

My exgf threatened that her brother and friend were going to beat me up, another friend was going to punch me. She had a friend (minion) text me to "watch my back", she hung out with some real neanderthals and I wasn't afraid of them. Been in plenty of fights myself. Still she used people against me

[greenmonkey]

I ended the relationship and removed her and all her possessions out of my house.

Over 18 months both me and my daughter have had fake accounts on FB, anonymous LinkedIn views, unwanted night time visits (she lives 90 miles away), fraudulent Insurance policies taken out at my address and the list goes on, the most recent was she went to my daughters uni and visited my parents.

I work in the security industry looking after HNW (high net worth individuals) so I am well versed in what to look for. I have full CCTV around my house and a log of every incidence, fake account, etc.

I have found that my uBPD ex is or has moved 300 miles away - so it will not be so easy for her to continue her campaign although she might do it online (which really does not bother me - as everything is on total lockdown and she can find nothing out about me or my family)

If you are worried concerned, start keeping an online record, look out for patterns and if it escalates get the police involved - put your safety first.