Dumped/abandoned by the love of my life [Part 1]

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Thank you for the supportive words.

I know that this process isn't supposed to be easy but it's such a roller coaster. For a while I will feel fine and will think I'm getting better but then everything will crash down and I'm back in the deep sadness & pain.

In all other aspects of my life, I am a planner - I always want to anticipate where things are going and have numerous levels of back up plans in the event that things don't go as anticipated. This has always helped me to face life's challenges and make it through anything but for some reason, I have never applied this mindset to relationships and especially didn't do so to this one. I truly thought this was it, I never once thought I would need a back up plan if this were to fail because the thought of it failing was just so absurd to me.

[pjstock42]

Thank you for the supportive words.

I know that this process isn't supposed to be easy but it's such a roller coaster. For a while I will feel fine and will think I'm getting better but then everything will crash down and I'm back in the deep sadness & pain.

In all other aspects of my life, I am a planner - I always want to anticipate where things are going and have numerous levels of back up plans in the event that things don't go as anticipated. This has always helped me to face life's challenges and make it through anything but for some reason, I have never applied this mindset to relationships and especially didn't do so to this one. I truly thought this was it, I never once thought I would need a back up plan if this were to fail because the thought of it failing was just so absurd to me.

[rfriesen]

It is an absolute roller coaster. After almost four months, I still have days where I struggle hard just to be functional. I have better days too, and more often now. But today, for instance, just a massive feeling of emptiness. And that's so unlike me. I've always been really into my work, my studies, exercise, meeting up with friends - generally a very motivated and self-directed person. These days, I make an effort not to talk about my ex any more because, let's face it, for anyone who hasn't gone through this, it gets absurd to keep hearing about it. But she's still on my mind almost constantly. It's an internal roller coaster, for sure.

As for vindictiveness, I don't think that applies to pwBPD in the same way it would to other people. I'll speak of my ex in particular, because that's what I have experience with. When things really started falling apart, she told me that at some point in the relationship, I did things she perceived as betrayal and at that point, in her words, "I took away your right to be hurt. I just told myself that whatever I might do, it can't be as bad as what you did to me." She also told me that she's always taken the view in relationships that, "If you're going to hurt me, I'm going to hurt you first and hurt you worse." As I've said in other posts, she actually has a lot of insight into how she is -- she just seems blind to the fact that it's a terrifying, cruel, self-harming way to be and that she could make an effort to change.

I still can't really process how she could have had these things going through her mind while telling me that I was her "person", her one true love, that she would do anything to make it work, etc etc. I can't really understand it. But I don't think it's exactly vindictive or malicious. I think she was internally swinging back and forth - trying desperately to make sure I loved her with all my heart and that I couldn't live without her (in which case she wanted to stay with me and live happily ever after), but then also getting hit with these internal panic attacks that would make her lash out at me and plan for moving on. It's as if she had to keep testing me, provoking me, to see if there was anything that would make me leave her. And, of course, at some point there was - she ended up provoking the very thing that she said she feared more than anything. I don't think she knew or could decide what she wanted, and it gave a kind of manic aspect to both her expressions of love and her jealousy/rage. In hindsight, I can see that she was looking to me to resolve all the uncertainty, to soothe her, stabilize her, make it all better. And when I couldn't, that just fed her anxiety and anger. It makes my head spin. All I really understand is that she's full of inner turmoil and anxiety.

When it all came to a head and I said I needed to step back, she started immediately dating other people (I mean, the same day), it was clear that she had been thinking about my replacement for a while. This was devastating and triggered incredible anger and hurt in me. And I just kept thinking she was the most malicious, lying, cheating, horrible person for having held onto me so tight while also planning her exit. Still hurts like crazy. But, if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think it was cold-blooded calculation on her part. She would become so desperate, hysterical, angry, scared, pleading, ... .every time I broached the topic of our relationship not working and me needing to step away. I can't believe it was all an act. If anything, that would be even crazier.

I can't speak for your ex, obviously. But I believe it was possible she was planning her exit, while also still feeling desperately in love with you, being unsure or torn until the last second what exactly she was doing ... essentially being split in two in her own mind. And maybe she chose to rely on her sister for a sense of stability and certainty once she no longer trusted you (even if you gave her no genuine reason to lose trust).

There's no doubt trying to make sense of her motives and thought-process will make your own head spin. I think it's very likely that she wasn't purely calculating and vindictive -- or that one part of her was, even as another part was still in love with you and unsure what the hell was going on.

[pjstock42]

Hi rfriesen, thank you for your input.

I'm sorry that you had to experience something similar but thank you for sharing your experiences. What you say regarding the internal mental struggle in her mind does make sense and I thinking that finding reasoning behind someones actions (even though I can't relate to said reasoning) is a better approach than just being angry at the person and holding that resentment inside of me.

When everything is fresh and you have just been discarded like trash, I think it's very easy to consume your mental energy on reasons to be mad at the person and I am definitely guilty of having done that over the past few days. However; after reading up here and watching many youtube videos that discuss this discarding process, I've learned that focusing on this anger is only going to me hurt in the long run, so as hard as it is for me to move past it, that is what I'm trying to do right now.

I did want to mention one other thing to see if anyone else has had similar experiences. In regards to the "love-bombing" process (which was very very heavy on my part), have any of you ever experienced that this person tried to integrate themselves into every aspect of your daily life, even if it didn't really have much to do with them? Things were always like this with her in my case, but near then end when the love bombing was stronger than ever & leading up to the premeditated discard, I noticed that she was going out of her way to make everything I did in life be associated with her. While it was happening, I didn't mind it at all because it made me happy to think of her no matter what I was doing and I thought that it was just something a healthy couple should do. Now looking back at it, knowing that she was crawling as deeply into my head as she possibly could while behind my back planning to flat-out abandon me, I am wondering if this was just another tactic to make the discard hurt more?

Hopefully this doesn't sound too "woe is me" but it was just something I was thinking about and wanted to see if anyone could relate.

rfriesen, when you mention the fact that your ex started dating immediately, I'm so sorry that you had to witness that as I can only imagine how painful it must be.  In my case, I am almost positive that my ex is already doing the same thing but I do have the benefit of having deleted facebook years ago meaning that I was never friends with her there and also never used instagram etc. so for me even though I'm pretty sure it's happening, I at least don't have to see it right in my face.

My last thought for today is what she last said in her 'discard' text that sticks in my head, even though that text has long since been deleted and I will never see it again. I remember her saying something about "we should meet up in a couple weeks once things have cooled down to discuss" and if I had never found this community or these educational resources, I probably would have blindly done that and even looked forward to it. Luckily, I have fully committed to the no-contact rule and have no plans of breaking it so this is not something I will do if she suggests it.

This process is truly so crazy, I woke up today feeling fine but can now feel myself falling back into thoughts of loneliness and missing her even though I know that it isn't healthy for me to be thinking like this. I so badly just want to be normal and consistent in my thought patterns but I know that this will take time to achieve.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey pj-

I did want to mention one other thing to see if anyone else has had similar experiences. In regards to the "love-bombing" process (which was very very heavy on my part), have any of you ever experienced that this person tried to integrate themselves into every aspect of your daily life, even if it didn't really have much to do with them?

It's actually the opposite.  A borderline, someone without a fully formed self of their own, looks to attach to someone to make them whole.  So the huge interest in your life works to attach, yes, but the mirroring and intense attention is the way a borderline takes the good they see in you as their own, to complete them and add your good to what they see as their bad, to feel better about themselves.  And of course us, the uninitiated, gobble it up like a dream come true, until it's a nightmare.

Things were always like this with her in my case, but near then end when the love bombing was stronger than ever & leading up to the premeditated discard, I noticed that she was going out of her way to make everything I did in life be associated with her. While it was happening, I didn't mind it at all because it made me happy to think of her no matter what I was doing and I thought that it was just something a healthy couple should do. Now looking back at it, knowing that she was crawling as deeply into my head as she possibly could while behind my back planning to flat-out abandon me, I am wondering if this was just another tactic to make the discard hurt more?

For you to decide, for reasons we've discussed, but also consider she may have been deeply conflicted, as borderlines are, so she was simultaneously trying to mirror and attach while feeling huge fear of abandonment and planning to flee.  Really hard to reconcile those when trust is gone and the wheels are coming off the relationship, and remember it started out as perfect in her head, a fantasy, and when reality destroyed the fantasy for her, the intensity of her emotions skyrocketed and everything gets reactionary.

[pjstock42]

Hey pj-

I did want to mention one other thing to see if anyone else has had similar experiences. In regards to the "love-bombing" process (which was very very heavy on my part), have any of you ever experienced that this person tried to integrate themselves into every aspect of your daily life, even if it didn't really have much to do with them?

It's actually the opposite.  A borderline, someone without a fully formed self of their own, looks to attach to someone to make them whole.  So the huge interest in your life works to attach, yes, but the mirroring and intense attention is the way a borderline takes the good they see in you as their own, to complete them and add your good to what they see as their bad, to feel better about themselves.  And of course us, the uninitiated, gobble it up like a dream come true, until it's a nightmare.

Things were always like this with her in my case, but near then end when the love bombing was stronger than ever & leading up to the premeditated discard, I noticed that she was going out of her way to make everything I did in life be associated with her. While it was happening, I didn't mind it at all because it made me happy to think of her no matter what I was doing and I thought that it was just something a healthy couple should do. Now looking back at it, knowing that she was crawling as deeply into my head as she possibly could while behind my back planning to flat-out abandon me, I am wondering if this was just another tactic to make the discard hurt more?

For you to decide, for reasons we've discussed, but also consider she may have been deeply conflicted, as borderlines are, so she was simultaneously trying to mirror and attach while feeling huge fear of abandonment and planning to flee.  Really hard to reconcile those when trust is gone and the wheels are coming off the relationship, and remember it started out as perfect in her head, a fantasy, and when reality destroyed the fantasy for her, the intensity of her emotions skyrocketed and everything gets reactionary.

I think part of my problem is that I also in my head thought of things as a bit of a fantasy. Not that everything was perfect but that it didn't have to be because I was with someone who had my back no matter what and would work through anything with me regardless of what challenges present myself.

As you said, the mental reconciliation is what is really making me beat myself up right now. There was no event or pattern of events that to my knowledge would give her even the slightest inkling that things weren't good and wouldn't continue to be good. I think the "to my knowledge" part of what I just said is probably the most important part of it. I was working from the information presented to me and that information was that she was happy, that everything was great and that we had such a bright future together. The reconciliation of the false reality that was portrayed to me with what is now my actual reality just does not make any sense to me and makes me feel totally lost.

With most problems that I encounter in life, I am able to think through them logically and figure out the best solution. This problem doesn't seem to have a solution and it is so complex and conflicting that my brain cannot wrap itself around it to figure it out as I would with other problems and I think that this struggle is where my mental anguish is stemming from. I don't even know who I am right now, I was fine this morning but now I'm sitting at my desk at work and trying to stop myself from crying as I just feel completely hopeless, aimless and as though nothing matters. Apologies if I'm turning this thread into my own 'feelings journal' but it actually does help me to type this stuff out.

[fromheeltoheal]

As you said, the mental reconciliation is what is really making me beat myself up right now. There was no event or pattern of events that to my knowledge would give her even the slightest inkling that things weren't good and wouldn't continue to be good. I think the "to my knowledge" part of what I just said is probably the most important part of it. I was working from the information presented to me and that information was that she was happy, that everything was great and that we had such a bright future together. The reconciliation of the false reality that was portrayed to me with what is now my actual reality just does not make any sense to me and makes me feel totally lost.

Consider what it means to be a borderline: someone who thinks so poorly of themselves that to them, if you knew the real them you would certainly leave, yet who is also completely dependent on having an attachment to survive.  Crappy place to be.  So the answer is to paint a facade that is so entirely convincing that there are no cracks, until it all explodes.  Don't know about you but my ex was a pathological liar too, damn she was good at it, really fast coming up with them, which makes sense when the real truth is never an option and you've got decades of practice.

With most problems that I encounter in life, I am able to think through them logically and figure out the best solution. This problem doesn't seem to have a solution and it is so complex and conflicting that my brain cannot wrap itself around it to figure it out as I would with other problems and I think that this struggle is where my mental anguish is stemming from.

I too am an understanding-driven person, things need to make sense.  One thing that helped a great deal was the book Search For The Real Self : Unmasking The Personality Disorders Of Our Age by Masterson; he discusses how a 'normal self' develops, interesting in it's own right, but the meat is his discussion of what happens when ordered development becomes disordered.  That didn't make me feel any better in the sense that I still needed to accept the new reality, which hurt, but I now understood why she does what she does and the confusion vanished immediately, a biggie for me.  It's a clinical book, but accessible and not long, recommended.

I don't even know who I am right now, I was fine this morning but now I'm sitting at my desk at work and trying to stop myself from crying as I just feel completely hopeless, aimless and as though nothing matters. Apologies if I'm turning this thread into my own 'feelings journal' but it actually does help me to type this stuff out.

Been there man, let fly, the only way out is through and whatever works.

[drained1996]

PJ,

I've kept up with this thread and applaud you on your process and in your self education on this illness.  It's my opinion that TIME is going to be needed for your healing process.  You can learn as much as you would like on the topic of BPD and how it has affected you and your pwBPD.  But unfortunately you're going to simply have to feel your way through this process, and that my friend is going to take some time.  
Sometimes, when you're not in a good place... .and those times will be many... .you're simply going to have to marinate in them.  Experience them... .cry, be angry, be sad, be overwhelmed, be hurt, be lonely... .just feel the feelings.  Learn from those experiences and learn to understand them for what they are in your process.  It will be a combination of education (which you seem to have a good handle on) and experiencing things that will culminate one's whole process.  
You are on a great path to recovery early on in your process it seems... .just keep in mind that time will also play an important role, and time is not something you can rush, you have to live it as it comes.  Things will get better!

[pjstock42]

PJ,

I've kept up with this thread and applaud you on your process and in your self education on this illness.  It's my opinion that TIME is going to be needed for your healing process.  You can learn as much as you would like on the topic of BPD and how it has affected you and your pwBPD.  But unfortunately you're going to simply have to feel your way through this process, and that my friend is going to take some time.  
Sometimes, when you're not in a good place... .and those times will be many... .you're simply going to have to marinate in them.  Experience them... .cry, be angry, be sad, be overwhelmed, be hurt, be lonely... .just feel the feelings.  Learn from those experiences and learn to understand them for what they are in your process.  It will be a combination of education (which you seem to have a good handle on) and experiencing things that will culminate one's whole process.  
You are on a great path to recovery early on in your process it seems... .just keep in mind that time will also play an important role, and time is not something you can rush, you have to live it as it comes.  Things will get better!

Thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me to know that there are people whom have taken the time to read my story and keep up with all of the verbal diarrhea that I have admittedly been spewing throughout this topic.

In regards to what you said about 'marinating' in these feelings, I suppose that is truly what is most difficult for me. I have always been a very even-keeled person and one of the things my ex used to always say was how happy she was that I had such a 'calming presence'. Now I feel as though I have anything but a calming presence and I feel more out of sorts than I ever imagined possible. The thing with days like today is that I simply can't allow myself to let these feelings work themselves out because I am at work where people rely on me and I have things to do, as much as I would like to - I can't sit at my desk and cry everything out.

In terms of finding the positives in this, one of the things that I thought would be the most difficult would be being at the apartment alone with nothing around but the memory of her being there. Luckily, this hasn't really been the case and I actually look forward to going home and being in my home-office that is my personal space so I am definitely grateful about this because not being comfortable in my own home would make things even more difficult than they already are.

It seems like going to work / going out in public is what's actually much worse for me right now. It may sound stupid but with this person I always faced everything that I did in life, whether I was alone or actually with her, with this idea in my head that everything was OK because I had her and she was my teammate in life no matter what would happen. It sounds so stupid to write it out now but whenever something that I experienced alone would upset me or make me uncomfortable, i was immediately comforted by the (perceived) knowledge that this person would have my back & understand me. I talked with her multiple times during the relationship about how I saw my life as "me and her against the world" and she always said how good that was to share that feeling in a relationship. Now, I have to face all of these things by myself as my metaphorical "security blanket" has been pulled away and the difficulty of doing this is indescribable.

My current struggle is this sudden undying desire to contact her and tell her how I feel. Even though I am committed to no contact and I know for a fact that this would do nothing but make things worse, there is this burning passion in me to yet again expose how I feel to this person with some kind of false hope of them understanding me and making things better. I want so badly to explain my pain & what I'm going through to this person because part of my brain still believes that she is the only one that would understand it and fix it, so now it's more of that internal mental anguish of my rational brain squashing these thoughts due to reality even though this other part of my brain wants to so badly go against what I know to be the truth.

[drained1996]

PJ,
The point I was trying to get at in my previous post was that it seems you're trying to think your way through this process... .and I get that.  I also understand you cannot simply marinate in your feelings all the time, especially when adult responsibilities are on our plate.  But experiencing and understanding our feelings is a large portion of our healing.
Why did you need a security blanket?
Why was it you and her against the world?
Why do you feel she is the only one that can understand you?
Why do you think she needs to be there to fix you?
Take a deep breath, you're doing very well in your process. I'm just trying to point out that you cannot just educate yourself to healing... .it's going to take time and feeling to become an even better YOU!

[fromheeltoheal]

PJ,
The point I was trying to get at in my previous post was that it seems you're trying to think your way through this process... .and I get that.  I also understand you cannot simply marinate in your feelings all the time, especially when adult responsibilities are on our plate.  But experiencing and understanding our feelings is a large portion of our healing.
Why did you need a security blanket?
Why was it you and her against the world?
Why do you feel she is the only one that can understand you?
Why do you think she needs to be there to fix you?
Take a deep breath, you're doing very well in your process. I'm just trying to point out that you cannot just educate yourself to healing... .it's going to take time and feeling to become an even better YOU!

Yes, I agree drained; detachment has a pace.  Educating ourselves about the disorder can help a great deal in the beginning, for me it made the confusion go away immediately, although that is only part of it.  Beyond that detachment has a pace, too slow and we can feel 'stuck', too fast and we can outrun emotions that should be getting processed fully and can become delusional, so the right pace is the pace that feels right, moving forward, processing everything fully, shifting the focus from our exes to ourselves and from the past to the future.  There doesn't seem to be a way to speed it up, and it's not linear, great strides followed by setbacks sometimes, but forward movement and a focus on the goal will always get us there eventually.

[pjstock42]

PJ,
The point I was trying to get at in my previous post was that it seems you're trying to think your way through this process... .and I get that.  I also understand you cannot simply marinate in your feelings all the time, especially when adult responsibilities are on our plate.  But experiencing and understanding our feelings is a large portion of our healing.
Why did you need a security blanket?
Why was it you and her against the world?
Why do you feel she is the only one that can understand you?
Why do you think she needs to be there to fix you?
Take a deep breath, you're doing very well in your process. I'm just trying to point out that you cannot just educate yourself to healing... .it's going to take time and feeling to become an even better YOU!

Yes, I agree drained; detachment has a pace.  Educating ourselves about the disorder can help a great deal in the beginning, for me it made the confusion go away immediately, although that is only part of it.  Beyond that detachment has a pace, too slow and we can feel 'stuck', too fast and we can outrun emotions that should be getting processed fully and can become delusional, so the right pace is the pace that feels right, moving forward, processing everything fully, shifting the focus from our exes to ourselves and from the past to the future.  There doesn't seem to be a way to speed it up, and it's not linear, great strides followed by setbacks sometimes, but forward movement and a focus on the goal will always get us there eventually.

I definitely think that I didn't handle this in the best way in terms of pace like you just mentioned.

It was one week ago today when the discard happened. After the initial shock of the first few days and finding all of these resources, I have spent almost every waking moment watching youtube videos / listening to audiobooks / reading articles about this disorder and have somewhat overwhelmed myself with knowledge. This morning I woke up and thought that everything was all better because I knew so much and understood everything now but that all came down to an extraordinary crash while at work. I had to leave the office today to come home and lay in bed/cry, I'm so embarrassed of myself but I have absolutely no mental or physical energy right now and just feel so powerless in my own life.

[Wize]

It's ok, pj.  Please don't feel embarrassed or weird or weak or unusual for how you grieve.  What has happened to us is traumatic and there is very real shock involved.  I am still dealing with the shock as I finalize my divorce.

About every hour I find myself leaning over on my desk, putting my head between my arms and crying(thank god I have my own office.)  I'm crying for the loss, for the pain, for the hopes and dreams, for the life we could've had together.  I'm crying because I miss her face and want to hold her and have everything go back to that time and place when we were in love and close and vulnerable and safe. And that's all been ripped away from me and it hurts so much, like someone ripped my soul out.  I'm lost and I'm wounded. 

But I'm keeping my eyes on the future and slowly learning to put her in the past and to accept that it truly is over. That woman I loved like no other is not mine any more.  I have to release her.  I have to let go or I cannot move forward. I have to shift my focus from her to me. She's not mine to focus on anymore.  She's not my responsibility.  So I will slowly let go, bit by bit.  So will you.   

[StayStrongNow]

Wize, great post. Thank you.

[drained1996]

PJ, you are not alone at feeling embarrassed or ashamed because you feel you cannot hold it together.  It's ok, and expected for you to grieve after the trauma you've suffered by the hands of this unimaginable illness.  It would not be normal if you didn't feel pain, sorry, anger etc.  You've armed yourself well with knowledge that will play an important role in your journey to recovery. 
One thing I did that helped me tremendously was to read other members stories, and follow their progress and road bumps.  It made me feel like I was not alone as so many of us experienced circumstances so similar.  We feel your pain PJ, and it's absolutely OK for you to feel your own pain as it is part of your process.  It's not your fault, you couldn't fix it, and someday down the road you will emerge a better man for what you are going through. 

I see you like logic and explanations.
The most logical thing I can tell myself about trying to understand what I experienced with my pwBPD... .is that she suffered from a severe mental illness, and was incapable of nurturing a full healthy adult relationship... .because her emotional development simply never made it out of childhood. 

[Stripey77]

I have mentioned this elsewhere on the board, but what we are all going through is akin to a bereavement. Except it's worse than that, almost, because it's not a bereavement, and we find ourselves instead haunted not just by memories (I, for instance,  live just minutes from my ex and our entire town holds memories for me) but by the person themselves. Because, as I mentioned before, they have a tendency to come back into our lives over, and over again.

Added to which, for me at least, every single time I see him, I have to wait until he does something to make it clear,whether I am going to be met by Dr. Jekyll, who is affectionate, lucid, tuned in, funny, amorous, logical... .or Mr. Hyde, who walks past me as if I were invisible. Even if we have been together just a few weeks before. What else is so like bereavement, yet not quite bereavement? It's like watching a body double, an alien, an doppelganger,  walk past in place of the person I know. When this happens, I am in essence grieving someone who is in actuality very much still here... .but not in the form I fell in love with.

And that, to me, is an emotional hell on earth. Watching the man I love unable to speak to me and totally disregard me, and trying to reconcile him with the person whose arms I slept in just a few weeks before, seems almost impossible. I'm not talking about someone being a bit cool or off with you after a one night stand that they decided not to pursue... .it runs much. much deeper than that. In the same way, you are trying to reconcile the actions of this woman, who looks just like your ex, with everything you knew about the woman you fell in love with. Our rational and balanced, logical and and 'normal' brains just can't accept it. Because these are not the actions of loving and attentive partners... .which is what we thought we had. That is a type of grief... .grieving for the loss of the person we thought they were. They ARE those loving and adoring partners, but it is just part of them. Sadly for us, they are also so much more.

You're allowed to cry. We're going through hell. But, as Churchill famously said, when you're going through hell... .keep going. And that's all we can do.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

I definitely think that I didn't handle this in the best way in terms of pace like you just mentioned.

Doesn't matter man, and certainly don't make yourself wrong for it.  The whole process of detachment only makes sense in reverse, like when you'll look back a year from now and be amazed at how far you've come, and proud of the life you've built for yourself.

Right now it's only important to see where you are and adjust; if you're going too fast slow down, too slow, speed up.  And watch the tendency to move fast to avoid feeling; going home today to feel was a good move, crying is what pain leaving feels like.  One day at a time, take care of you!

[pjstock42]

I definitely think that I didn't handle this in the best way in terms of pace like you just mentioned.

Doesn't matter man, and certainly don't make yourself wrong for it.  The whole process of detachment only makes sense in reverse, like when you'll look back a year from now and be amazed at how far you've come, and proud of the life you've built for yourself.

Right now it's only important to see where you are and adjust; if you're going too fast slow down, too slow, speed up.  And watch the tendency to move fast to avoid feeling; going home today to feel was a good move, crying is what pain leaving feels like.  One day at a time, take care of you!

Thank you. I really do think that a lot of other factors not related to her disorder made this all worse for me as well. This was the first time I had ever really loved someone (even though I now know it was an illusion that I loved). This is the first time I have ever been with someone I could see marrying some day and I loved that. This was the first time I had ever picked up my life and moved in with someone. This is also the first time I've ever been dumped in a relationship, and for it to happen in the way it did doesn't make it any easier.

In terms of this pain caused by the rapid shift from love bombing to the discard process, that is just something I never thought that anyone had to go through. Obviously through reading research and other people's stories here, I now know that this is far too common as I don't believe anyone should have to experience this. I hate how I feel right now, I hate being around myself. My normal routines are starting to be interrupted purely by my misery. I had no appetite so I can't eat, then today I left work to cry in bed, now I am so exhausted that I have nowhere near the energy I would need to do my evening workout so I'm skipping that and going to go to bed early.

I really just need to fully believe all of you when you say that this will get better because right now that is hard for me to believe.

[fromheeltoheal]

This was the first time I had ever really loved someone (even though I now know it was an illusion that I loved). This is the first time I have ever been with someone I could see marrying some day and I loved that.

So now you know you're capable of loving someone like that and can see yourself marrying, you have it in you, which is a very good thing.  Picked the wrong girl this time, but you didn't know that, and next time the wiser you will know what to look for and won't ignore red flags, and who knows what gorgeous gal will show up and pass all the tests!  I'm excited for your future, although detachment and wisdom gleaning first... .

My normal routines are starting to be interrupted purely by my misery.

Which is what it is right now, on the way to building new routines, building a new life, building a new normal, one day at a time.

I really just need to fully believe all of you when you say that this will get better because right now that is hard for me to believe.

Yep, believe it, it's true.  You can use faith in our testimony for now, and while you're at it, start thinking about the awesome future life you're going to build, too much right now I realize, but with time, as you get clear on it, that will become the goal, something to move towards when you're done moving away from where you're at right now.

[Wize]

I really just need to fully believe all of you when you say that this will get better because right now that is hard for me to believe.

I'm a bit older than you at 43 and, I've had a few long term relationships, including my first marriage about 14 years ago.  It gets better, I promise you.  I can't say how or why but I know it does. Our physical body has a vast array of systems of self healing.  Our emotional self has these systems as well.  

[drained1996]

From I can glean from your short journey thus far is that you will be fine... .if you focus on taking care of YOU.  I'd highly suggest finding a therapist that fits with you well, and seeing them as often as you need.  That might be once a week, or it might be once every two months... .or whatever you need.  Just do it... .and make sure the fit is good for you.  If it's not, do your research, and find another.  It's almost like finding a partner in life.  While you will find a whole lot of help here, I've found in my journey that there is a lot to be gained from a T that knows their profession.  For what it's worth I see a clinical psychologist as opposed to a psychiatrist.
I'll probably continue to see my T for the rest of my life... .even if it's only 2-3 times a year.  No matter your situation in life, a professional you trust to bounce things off of... .is priceless.

[pjstock42]

From I can glean from your short journey thus far is that you will be fine... .if you focus on taking care of YOU.  I'd highly suggest finding a therapist that fits with you well, and seeing them as often as you need.  That might be once a week, or it might be once every two months... .or whatever you need.  Just do it... .and make sure the fit is good for you.  If it's not, do your research, and find another.  It's almost like finding a partner in life.  While you will find a whole lot of help here, I've found in my journey that there is a lot to be gained from a T that knows their profession.  For what it's worth I see a clinical psychologist as opposed to a psychiatrist.
I'll probably continue to see my T for the rest of my life... .even if it's only 2-3 times a year.  No matter your situation in life, a professional you trust to bounce things off of... .is priceless.

I have thought about doing this but haven't made the commitment yet. I'm sure that it can do nothing but help so hopefully I can convince myself to make the jump at some point.

[pjstock42]

I woke up today feeling much better. I went to bed early, got a decent amount of sleep for the first time in a week and I'm working from home today so I'm settled in to my little home office.

30 minutes in to my day, I get a call from my landlord - my ex is causing problems.  Basically, for the 3 months that we were actually here together, she would write me a check and I would use my bank's smartphone app to take a picture of the check & deposit it, then transfer money to my landlord. I mentioned earlier the cold and callous email that she sent the day after the discard, and that email was a picture of a check saying that I could use that to pay the rent. Now I'm thankful that it seems as though she is at least attempting to pay her half for this month, but this isn't how the process works. You can't take a picture of a picture as the app actually scans the check as part of the process. I didn't reply to her because I need to keep no-contact and told my landlord to ask her to send him the check directly, which you wouldn't think would be a big deal.

Well of course that's not the case. She's telling him the she paid me and I told him that no, she hasn't. I really suspect that she knows emailing a picture of a check wouldn't work and did this on purpose to get a response from me but now I just feel trapped and also embarrassed because my landlord shouldn't have to be dealing with this. I don't know if there is any advice that anyone can provide to me about this since it's a very specific situation but man, I was really looking forward to having a better day and now I feel as though I'm back at rock bottom.

[fromheeltoheal]

She's telling him the she paid me and I told him that no, she hasn't.

It's really easy for her to see if the check was cashed, and landlords have to deal with tenants who break up all the time.  Asking the landlord to ask her for the money, and explaining the situation, may work and may make a friend of the landlord, or plan B, reply to her email with the check telling her the bank won't take it, 100% businesslike.

No contact is a tool, not a rule, and taking the path of least resistance makes the most sense yes?

[Wize]

No contact is a tool, not a rule, and taking the path of least resistance makes the most sense yes?

I agree with this, however I do think in the initial stages of the breakup when it's really raw, NC should be a rule.  Any sort of contact when we are raw, even the most business-like contact can lead very easily to something else.  Example; I called my ex to discuss something about a document, she started crying and we immediately began discussing our relationship and opening wounds. I was not yet emotionally stable enough to stop the conversation.  Bad news.  NC in the first month should be a rule that we blindly follow until it can become a tool.  Just my 2 cents.

[fromheeltoheal]

No contact is a tool, not a rule, and taking the path of least resistance makes the most sense yes?

I agree with this, however I do think in the initial stages of the breakup when it's really raw, NC should be a rule.  Any sort of contact when we are raw, even the most business-like contact can lead very easily to something else.  Example; I called my ex to discuss something about a document, she started crying and we immediately began discussing our relationship and opening wounds. I was not yet emotionally stable enough to stop the conversation.  Bad news.  NC in the first month should be a rule that we blindly follow until it can become a tool.  Just my 2 cents.

I agree Wize, that's why it could be an email and not a phone call; much less emotional involvement in written communication.  That's only one option though, and best to stay focused on the goal, which is to remove our exes from our lives, here on the Detaching board, and what's the best way to do that, even if the best choice is uncomfortable for a minute?

[pjstock42]

I was able to work through this issue without communicating with her at all as the landlord understood and spoke to her directly.

However; the landlord did send an email to both of us, I replied back only to him but she replied to both of us. I just read this and I am shaking, I don't even know what this feeling is but it is a special kind of hurt that cannot be put into words. She spoke to me as if I am some kind tenant or business associate whereas only about a week ago she was madly "in love" with me.

This still feels so surreal, I simply cannot imagine doing this to someone and then speaking to them as if you are just some kind of common acquaintance. This is killing me inside, every day I get to a point where I feel like I'm dead inside, like I've hit rock bottom and there's nothing left to give - but then something else happens and cuts me down even further.

[fromheeltoheal]

I replied back only to him but she replied to both of us. I just read this and I am shaking, I don't even know what this feeling is but it is a special kind of hurt that cannot be put into words.

There's a couple of good things here pj: one, when we have a physical reaction like that it's a great way to check in and see how our detachment is going; you just started, it's only been a week, no need to expect much yet, but just think if complete detachment is you get an email like that and it doesn't even faze you, no emotional reaction at all, then you will be free, and you can use that goal as a way to decide what's next.  And the other piece is this may be the end of the money thing, one more hurdle crossed, and you may be done with communicating with her, which will allow you to get time and distance.

I know, it hurts when we're still emotionally involved, and putting one foot in front of the other is the only thing to do.

Sidebar: My ex and I went on the vacation from hell together, and I left her with the rental car as I fled with what was left of my sanity at the end.  And of course she returned the car to the wrong place, costing me a few hundred bucks in rental fees, she could have done it on purpose, who knows, but finalizing that and getting straight with the rental company felt really good, kind of a finality to it, no reason to communicate again.  And then the grand adventure that is detachment started... .

[pjstock42]

No contact has been maintained but there were a couple things in that email that really scared me. 

She mentioned not once but twice about offering to come here and help clean / dispose of items etc. Obviously I will not be taking her up on this but it's just this cold callousness that she is exhibiting while she knows how much I'm hurting and my brain still cannot process that.

[pjstock42]

It is so hard to stop myself from writing a lengthy email to her. A message to describe how much I'm hurting and how horrible all of this is. I am lucky to have found all of the research and resources that I did because I know this would accomplish nothing but man it is so difficult. I don't know why I want to share to my pain so much with this person but it's eating me up inside.

[once removed]

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Mod Note- See also:
Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1