How to handle being replaced

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

I've been on the detaching board more or less, since my BPD ex broke up with me in early June. We broke up because I was moving cities in the fall-- she was thinking about moving with me, but really didn't want to (understandably-- she has a good life in our city). Also, we were trying an open relationship and it was really difficult for me to handle (she was seeing a couple and things got very intense with the woman of the couple). Anyway, we ended up breaking up (for the third time in three years) because she said she didn't want to be in a committed relationship with anyone. She texted me today saying that she has started to see someone new and it sounds pretty serious. She has also gone back to just being friends with the couple that she had been seeing. I feel okay about it all, I guess, kind of detached (thank goodness). I do still have hope that we can be together someday-- perhaps when I can offer her a more stable life with me traveling less. Towards that (very distant) future, I'm thinking that I should try to stay cool but not indifferent about my replacement. What do you all recommend?

[Herodias]

I think you need to work on yourself and figure out what you really want in a relationship. Are you happy with an open relationship? Since you are moving you will have a chance at a new start... .this is great! Decide what it is that you want, so when you meet new people you have boundaries in place when you need them. I am not someone who can handle an open relationship or I could have stayed in my marriage, so that is your choice. We all want different things.  Are you staying "cool" because you want to or is it because you want this person in your life?

[Meili]

I would think that if you don't reach a point of indifference that it will slowly eat away at you inside.

[SWLSR]

If she has BPD it's a no win situation for you.  If you choose to pursue her you will be miserable.  If she is not BPD but has other issues then you should heal yourself and see what happens but don't close the door for other opportunities.

[Nester]

How do you feel about open relationships in general? I'm in one (my girlfriend is married), and I'm fine with it; but, when I was also with my BPDx, it drove me nuts thinking of her even kissing someone else. I just couldn't handle it, probably because deep inside I knew that she wasn't really attached to me. She wanted to start escorting again, too, and if we weren't already broken up, that would have torn me apart (I still hate thinking about it).

On the other hand, I wouldn't have even tried to be with her if I didn't already have a stable relationship with my other girlfriend. Maybe you can find a supportive relationship in the meantime?

Best of luck,

David

[kc sunshine]

Oh man, no, the open relationship with her was hell and totally led to our demise. I tried to stay open to it, but she attached to the other person. It's interesting to think about the phases of a BPD relationship and polyamory-- to me it felt like she was in an idealization phase with her new partner, which moved me quickly into a devaluation phase, and then a discard.

It seems like they have since broken up, and gone back to being friends though, perhaps because of this new person. I've never met her and she seems nice, and potentially a steady partner for her (the other girlfriend was married).

[Suspicious1]

Oh man, no, the open relationship with her was hell and totally led to our demise. I tried to stay open to it, but she attached to the other person. It's interesting to think about the phases of a BPD relationship and polyamory-- to me it felt like she was in an idealization phase with her new partner, which moved me quickly into a devaluation phase, and then a discard.

I've been in a polyamorous relationship before including with my exBPDbf, and I am very positive about polyamory. In my experience though, because of my exBPDbf's tendency to split people, he ended up triangulating us all. In fact the drama triangles that were created were utterly horrific - far worse and damaging than the black/white splitting I experienced when no one else was involved.

I think this is how I experienced the behaviour you're describing - as triangulation. I was idealised while his (soon to be) ex was being demonised, my partner at the time was demonised while I was idolised, then idolised when I was demonised, and so and so forth. There are more sets of emotions to deal with in a polyamorous dynamic, and for someone who experiences emotional dysregulation, it had the potential to cause all kinds of issues.

In hindsight, the best approach would have been for ALL of us involved to have fully understood he had BPD and what that meant. Instead of the hell that occurs when you're all being split and triangulated, we could all have provided some really stabilising support to each other.

[kc sunshine]

Oh yes, this would have been really helpful and actually probably doable in our situation since I think she told the others that she had BPD. Too late now though .

In hindsight, the best approach would have been for ALL of us involved to have fully understood he had BPD and what that meant. Instead of the hell that occurs when you're all being split and triangulated, we could all have provided some really stabilising support to each other.

[Meili]

If she has BPD it's a no win situation for you.  If you choose to pursue her you will be miserable. 

I understand why you say that SWLSR. Many people believe that to be true. I feel that there are many people out there who learn to mitigate the r/s woes that come with a pwBPD and make a happy life. This most certainly does not apply to every person in every situation. But, it's just like anyone being involved in a r/s with another person who has some sort of "handicap." It all depends on the players.

Anyway, that's really off topic, KC, what can you do now? What do you want to do now?

[StayStrongNow]

Do you remember playing on the "monkey bars" in the playground when you were a young child? Maybe you call it something else, but this playground structure had bars to climb like the rock climbing steps where you had to grab onto a bar / rock before you could pull yourself up and take another up. Basically you can't let go of something until you where holding on to something else.

Dr Patrichia Allen coined it as the "Monkeybar Syndrome".
It's just a matter of time when she will let go. She cannot be abandoned at any given time and appears to be wondering perhaps aimlessly.

There is somebody out there new for you, go find her!

[woundedPhoenix]

Oh man, no, the open relationship with her was hell and totally led to our demise. I tried to stay open to it, but she attached to the other person. It's interesting to think about the phases of a BPD relationship and polyamory-- to me it felt like she was in an idealization phase with her new partner, which moved me quickly into a devaluation phase, and then a discard.

Same open-relationship was offered in my relationship at the end. But i passed cause i knew how things would turn out, seemed like she just wanted me to be the fail-safe option in the back or torture me some more, so i pulled out, to find out that she had been setting up a full line of new possible partners for months behind my back, and she just had to snap her fingers to lure one of them in.

Then she was mad at me for "abandonning her", when i pointed out that she was in fact "abandonning" me already for months she simply said: "No, i was making a Fade-Over". hilarious right... .

[Meili]

Then she was mad at me for "abandonning her", when i pointed out that she was in fact "abandonning" me already for months she simply said: "No, i was making a Fade-Over". hilarious right... .

Ah, I had the same type of conversation with my x yesterday, minus the open relationship part.

I'm looking at my replacement as a good thing. It allows me to keep my distance better.

[StayStrongNow]

Exactly how I feek about my replacement, distance. However she keeps texting me because she is the mother of my three children who I have sole custody of my kids ( the judge, law enforcement and DCFS get it) and she wants my attention still.
I tell her not to text about her but she can't help herself explain how she had headaches and is going to the hospital for scan, I text her to stop texting me, text the new rescuer.
My hope he's a NPD and her being a UstbxBPDW is a potential long term r/s albeit unhealthy, nevertheless she cohabitates or gets married I get out of alimony. She is so in love with this guy and talks a lot in front of the kids and the kids tell me. Oh boy I hope they tie the knot, I really do $$$$$$$ savings.
I have detached, the mystery is over I can read her like a book, and I just shelved the book I am working on me now and I am excited about the future.

[JerryRG]

Hey StayStrongNow

My exgf would not shut up about her new bf, her ailments and her family problems. I had to remind her a few dozen times I am not her friend, never was and never will be.

She's still seeking my attention, gurrrr. And we share custody of a 2 year old boy. I pray I get full custody so I can cut her out of our lives. She is hell on earth, lies, manipulation and chaos.

[Nester]

It's interesting to think about the phases of a BPD relationship and polyamory-- to me it felt like she was in an idealization phase with her new partner, which moved me quickly into a devaluation phase, and then a discard.

I'm very pro-poly, but this is one of the dangers even without a pwBPD. I've seen marriages break apart after they come to the lifestyle because the woman gets tons of attention (because she's new to everyone), and the relationship can't handle the stress.

My advice would be that unless you're truly okay with a poly arrangement, apart from your desire to be with her, then don't get into one.

Best,

Nester

[Meili]

Rather than trying to convince her to stop telling you about the personal stuff, wouldn't it be better to just ignore it? As long as she's getting an emotional reaction or attention from you about it, my guess is that she'll keep doing it.

[shatra]

Staystrong wrote---My hope he's a NPD and her being a UstbxBPDW is a potential long term r/s albeit unhealthy,

---Hope that happens in your case... .in many cases with others, NPD and BPD is a disaster---lots of fighting and unhappiness---what would they see in each other?