It's been 5 months now

[Tallie]

To cut a long story short, my ex and I moved in together in mid November after returning from a big dream trip together. On the dream trip, there was an argument but I thought we had resolved it when we discussed both of our wishes to spend the rest of our days together. I confessed to my now ex that I had planned on proposing to her but she said that I needed to be patient and that she was not ready yet.

We both have boys from our previous marriages. We had discussed having a baby together and I was talking to my S11 to prepare him for that if it came to pass.

Anyway, 6 weeks after moving in together, after an argument over Xbox for the boys after we got back from a holiday together with her family- and an indifferent response from me about the use of Xbox  (How I wish I had reacted differently) with her family, she kicks her tenants out and moves out- she goes back home. No looking back, refusing counselling and refusing to compromise. Just cold, calculated dismissal of a great 2 years together. I feel like I have been demonised.

Looking back over our 2 year relationship, we had an issue every 6 months or so, mostly as a result of extreme jealousy about my exw (separated 8 years ago) but we usually resolved things even after my ex threatened to leave the relationship every time.

After our 1 January argument where she said she was moving out, I was initially calm and collected. I nearly wooed her back but we had a huge blow out argument and for the first time, I lost my cool and swore at her. I'm minded to note that I was subjected to regular tempers where I was called a F&&&King a$$hole and worse. Nonetheless, I regret that I let myself down with this huge argument and I apologised soon after.

CommunicAtion after she moved out was sporadic. My S11 was a bit confused and asked to have a play date with my exes S5. While ex said yes, nothing came of it until I followed up in late March. Fast forward to April, I reached out again and arranged to give her the gift I had oredered when I thought things were good. It was a special Rolex watch. She took it with faint objections but then the following day she expressly said she couldn't fill any hope or expectation I had in respect of us. That told me everything I needed to know and for the last 13 weeks, I have been NC. My instinct was that she was dating or had a replacement for me, even though only weeks before we had been planning forever together.

We used to share a nanny and the nanny tells me that ex is in a relationship with a new guy, who doesn't have kids. He stays over and is involved in all my ex's S5's activities like soccer. I have been replaced.

A couple of other things- the relationship moved really quickly when we got together and I was sleeping over and met her son while in her bed really quickly. I've now heard that prior to me, she had a string of short term relationships where the men would stay over and meet her son, only to be gone a few weeks or months later. Had I known that (she was not truthful about dating history when I asked early on) and had I known I was being mirrored by a brilliant actor (telling me she believed in God and read the Bible to her son which I now know from the nanny was a completely new Bible only after she met me)... .

My son turned 11 last week and nothing was heard from her, even though we had sent a birthday gift to her son in February, to her in March and of course she took delivery of the Rolex in April. I want her to have the Roles by the way- I purchased it best intentions and would not have wanted to give it to someone else. For the main, I had two pretty good years with her, if I put aside the abuse, criticism and controlling behaviour. But I also had good boundaries and those served us both well until the last few months where I was working on the biggest deal of my career and I just got exhausted. I was tired, grumpy and unable to deal with her mood swings and insecurity. I regret that too because while I was strong emotionally, things were good 99% of the time and I could resolve any dysregulation on her part. I do wonder if I may have BPD traits as well- even though my T says I don't. But as for the watch- I remain pleased I gave this to her as a parting gift. I've not heard from her since, and I have not contacted her either.

Anyway, I was doing well but I still get triggered by going places that used to be special to us, or seeing her recently turning up at my local cafe which she hasn't been seen at for 4 months, with the new guy in tow. This week has been tough because I am seeing her car everywhere, on one occasion it was being driven by my replacement.

My greatest fear is that I am susceptible to a recycle attempt as I truly, wholly and unconditionally loved this woman.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Tallie-

Welcome!  I'm sorry you're in the middle of that, it is very painful and confusing.  If you've been reading the boards on this site you've probably noticed that your story is not unique, in fact it's replicated all over the place, which is the good news really, we've all been there, we understand, and as you detach and heal, we can lend lots of good information and a place to talk.  It's good you are seeing a therapist too.

Here's a good article which a lot of us have found helpful https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality. There are lots more here too, and for me, the information is helpful because understanding things makes the confusion go away, doesn't hurt any less, but at least I'm not confused.

You mention your biggest fear is you're susceptible to a recycle attempt; is your goal to be not susceptible?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Tallie,

I'd like to join fromheeltoheal in welcoming you to the forum. I'm sorry about your breakup, that is so painful, especially when it is so sudden. I remember feeling stunned and absolutely devastated at the sudden turn around(s)of the person with BPD I was involved with. Until one day I knew I couldn't continue. You have definitely come to the right place, as there are tons of resources here and members who understand what you are going through.

I'm glad to hear that you are in therapy. That really helped me after my breakup. Do you also have supportive friends and family, Tallie? That can help so much.

You mentioned that you have been NC for about 13 weeks. Was that something that you initiated in order to start your detachment process? Has your ex tried to contact you at all?

Keep writing, it really helps. And things do get better, Tallie. They did for me, and they can for you, too. After my breakup, I never thought I'd feel okay again, and frankly didn't care. But thankfully, I was very wrong. 

heartandwhole

[Tallie]

Hi, thanks for your positive support.

Yes, heartland whole, I have great friends and family and they have been awesome- but they are reeling by the speed at which our 2 year relationship unraveled as much as I am. No one can quite believe that she moved out after a few weeks, leaving me with the house she found and organised and after she put me under a lot of pressure to live together, something I've only ever done with my now xw.

I was always careful not to step on abandonment land mines because her xh had cheated on her while she was pregnant. I felt really safe with her because I went through something similar, although my experience of cheating was when S was 2.

This breakup feels worse than my divorce/separation. My xw had diagnosed depression. That experience has given me better tools for this time round as this was the first real LTR I'd had since my xw. I'd not met anyone dating that I really connected with until the uBPDxgf that brought me here.  

Fromheeltoheal, my goal is not to get recycled, if not just for me but also because my S11 has had to see this unfold. It broke my heart when he said to me he was worried that I would be sad forever and I felt like I'd let him down hugely (He now sees me happy and we are getting along really well. Now that I look back, uBPDxgf was critical of him, saying things about him being anxious and expecting him to play with her S5 all the time).

Ive not heard from her at all in 13 weeks although there have been a few recent near misses of running into her of late- so much so that I've changed my routine and changed the coffee shops I go to. I've seen her car everywhere in the last week and it's triggered some anxiety in me.

 I chose NC once my instincts kicked in and I felt (turns out correctly) that she had hooked up with someone. For a few weeks after the breakup, I reached out to her and she always replied nicely, and we even met up a couple of times. She'd always imply that she would like to work on things and that I needed to be patient.

[fromheeltoheal]

my goal is not to get recycled,

Notice the way you phrased that Tallie, like 'recycled' is something that could happen to you, if she so decides.  Part of detaching includes taking our power back, and if she were to show up in your life again, whether or not you get back together could be a choice for both of you, unless you give her all your power.  And it can be interesting and fruitful to dig to see where the impulse to give a woman all the power came from, it might have existed long before you met her, and focusing on that can be you on your way to creating an awesome life of your design, and if you put your energy there, she might just matter a whole lot less, yes?

[Tallie]

Yes, Fromheeltoheal, you're right. I'd not seen that I had phrased it that way. Intellectually I know it's my choice to be recycled or not but I suspect you're right in that I need to look at me as to why I'd even consider it to be her option.

I purchased the book No more Mr Nice Guy and read it on a flight the other day- now that I think about your question I can see that I have given my power away and that is partly because of the things I have been doing all my life to be a so called Nice Guy which are really all about me (the book deals with why we give our power away and engage in inauthentic 'nice' behaviours but it also sets out the need to be a good man which I something I always try to be, with all my imperfections of course... .). Thank you for the insight!