Shunned, but finally living

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Its been a few months since I got kicked out of my home. I got kicked out because after so many years of abuse, after eating in secret in a basement... after my whole life being dictated to me, yelled at daily for not being loyal enough, I defended my sister from the treatment that I received because I saw it coming for her... .as a result, I was pushed against a wall, hit and threatened. This time, I did not stay silent, I told someone... .the police, social workers. They did absolutely nothing, even with recordings and videos, my sister is now alone with them and I am pretty much excommunicated from the "family". They put up their "fronts" on the internet as happy families, but two toxic people can only ruin a person.

Today I am afraid because I sometimes don't know how I will make it, but I keep reminding myself... anything is better than eating secretly, living a life full of whispering and hiding, a life fearful of footsteps down the hall. A life in danger.

But still, sometimes I think of my beautiful sister, the one I sacrificed for... .my mother has shunned me from the family as a traitor, doesn't care if I am alive or dead, I have no father... .no family in the country. Sometimes I shed tears.
But I am happy that I am unwanted by people who can't even want their own children... .
I am happy that I have the opportunity to learn how I can love me , but I am still learning.
I still have the "you are evil, bad, stupid, awful" , " you will never be good" , " this bad thing is happening to you because you are evil and deserve it."

How do I cut out this stuff... .?

[Kwamina]

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe

Thanks for this update. I am glad you managed to get out of that negative environment you were living in. It is sad though that your sister is still living there. Is your sister still a minor?

You got police and social workers involved. Unfortunately they did not do anything, but the important change was that you did do something. You stood up for yourself and your sister How did it make you feel to confront them like that?

I am happy that I have the opportunity to learn how I can love me , but I am still learning.
I still have the "you are evil, bad, stupid, awful" , " you will never be good" , " this bad thing is happening to you because you are evil and deserve it."

How do I cut out this stuff... .?

Many children of disordered parents find themselves struggling with negative internalized messages like you mention here. We discuss this in a thread that I encourage you to take a look at:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

In that thread we not only discuss various types of negative internalized messages, but also things we can do to talk back to that inner critic.

There are also online resources that you might find helpful:

MoodGym: Free On-Line Cognitive Therapy Program

Pete Walker: Shrinking the Inner Critic

[HappyChappy]

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe.

I’m so please you’re feeling liberated. Happiest day of my life was when I left home. Hence why I’m so pleased for you. 

Good for you trying to protect your sister, that’s something to be proud of. You mentioned having time to love yourself, if you do this, then life becomes so much easier. If you can find yourself, you’ll never be alone. Also being out of a toxic situation, allows you to heal.

The fact your BPD went NC with you is simply standard  BPD manipulation. They want total control, and giving people the cold shoulder is standard practice. It’s nothing personal, but ironically a bit of an easy out for we imprisoned soles. Ha!

But I am happy that I am unwanted by people who can't even want their own children... .I am happy that I have the opportunity to learn how I can love me , but I am still learning.

How do I cut out this stuff... .?

Your quote insightful and suggests you’ve begun your healing. By first identifying the toxic situation and then taking yourself out of it. Now you can understanding what’s good about yourself and what dysfunctional thinking needs to change. A Therapist can help with this, as can many books on the topic (typically CBT underlies much of this). But you can also just explore this with other from a similar background on this website. So what concerns you the most, currently ?

[P.F.Change]

I am happy to see you typing the words, "I am happy... ."  Even if it is in these small things, it is happiness, and that is a positive development. I'm so encouraged to hear you are able to look at this situation as an opportunity to learn to love yourself better. I think as long as we are willing to keep learning, we have hope to improve.

The negative self-talk is probably automatic for you, and so it will take time and hard work to turn it around. The best you can do is bring awareness to those thoughts each time you have them, have compassion on yourself, and then replace them. When I catch myself having one, I stop and say, "Wait, that's not true. It won't help me feel better or solve my problem," and then offer myself an alternative that will be more helpful.

One thing I have observed is that sometimes we try to soothe ourselves with what is the most familiar, even when it's something that actually increases our pain. Like a little child who craves a blankie for comfort, we turn to self-abuse because that's what we're accustomed to, even what we've been taught to seek out. Those of us whose parents are mentally ill often got messages that confused comfort and abuse, so it's not surprising we'd develop mixed-up coping skills. I would encourage you to bring awareness to this, and when you notice thoughts like "I'm evil, bad, stupid, awful," understand that in some way it may be an attempt to soothe yourself (though it is more like a cactus than a blankie). You might ask if what you really need more than criticism is comfort, and look for ways to give yourself that healing gift.

What helps you feel safe and comforted, DontGiveUpOnMe? What messages would feel better to hear?