missing her

[gresmunkie]

Hi all

I'm 11 weeks NC and feeling ok until last night I was out with some friends who mentioned noticing my uBPDx with what I assume is my replacement on social media. I've avoided this extremely well until this point and even though I went NC with the feeling she had someone lined up and have assumed she had been with someone the whole time I cant help but just feel Nauseous and sad.

Before I met her and got into the relationship of roughly 2 years I was a strong, independent man who many people looked up to and came to for advice. Although I have started to get some or most of myself back I find im not the same person anymore. I've lost friends, customers for my business and have nearly lost family over this ordeal. And I can honestly say I've never experienced anything like this in my 34 years. And as I am trying to ultimately detach I find my head knows the right things to feel and do however I still find it impossible to have my heart follow suit.

Just my thoughts on one of many sad days

[heartandwhole]

Hi gresmunkie,



I'm sorry it's a sad day, and to hear about your breakup. I know how painful it is. I also felt like a shell of myself after my breakup with pwBPD. These kinds of relationships can really stir up old wounds and unskillful patterns of relating, so that at the end, we are left with our heads spinning and wondering what just happened.

I understand your feelings about the battle between head and heart. That is so understandable and I think most of here have felt that way—you are definitely not alone. Your heart will catch up, but it takes time, patience, and compassion for yourself. Things really do get better, gresmunkie.

Can you tell us what is helping besides NC? Are you seeing a therapist? Spending time with friends? Exercising and eating right? Tell us more of your story as you can. It really helps.

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

Before I met her and got into the relationship of roughly 2 years I was a strong, independent man who many people looked up to and came to for advice. Although I have started to get some or most of myself back I find im not the same person anymore.

And you won't be the same person again, and that's the good news.  You were a strong, independent man because of the beliefs about yourself and the world you'd been using up to that point, and then you got in a relationship with someone with a mental illness, which will do a number on anyone's serenity if we let it get in deep, which we did.  And the good news is, once we get knocked on our ass by disorder, it takes a while to find the lessons it was time to learn, and then integrate those lessons into who we are.  What if a borderline showed up when they were supposed to, because there were lessons it was time to learn, new things we needed and that will help us as we create an awesome life of our own design, and become someone with everything we were before but now with added wisdom?  What if that were true, and it takes what it takes, and I agree with H&W, it takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head, so trust your head and us for now, one foot in front of the other, and the man who comes out the other side is someone you'll be very proud of, guaranteed.  Take care of you!

[gresmunkie]

thank you for your replies 

I have my whole story posted when I joined a few weeks ago but im not sure how to create a link to it sorry   

i find it very confusing as there are certain things that keep triggering sad emotions where i cant help but cry. this is not only embarrassing for the most part but also frustrating. i lost my dad to cancer when i was 18 and hadn't cried since. ive lost other loved ones since then and been through other breakups (including a 4 year one with an alcoholic who i tried to stay with if she got help but she didn't) and have always thought it was strange that i didn't cry for any of these situations. and now i cant seem to stop myself when i think about me BPDx. ive also never though about what an ex is doing after ive walked away. ive always stayed strong, confident, have NEVER chased, and never looked back, until now that is. and another big problem for me is i believe i have dreamt about BPDx every night since the break. that is another thing i wish i could control

i do agree that the knowledge of the disorder is crucial for myself and my future, and for moving on. especially since i had never even heard of this disorder until i found this site

i am eating properly, working out regularly, started a new hobby and saw a therapist for the first time last week. i have stayed busy otherwise with family and friends. NC has helped me in many ways but even though there was really no alternative in the end, because like you i was also a shell of myself, i feel also that it has 'helped' me miss her

[fromheeltoheal]

and have always thought it was strange that i didn't cry for any of these situations. and now i cant seem to stop myself when i think about me BPDx.

So there's an upside to the relationship yes?  Crying is normal when we're sad or upset, and not being able to cry may indicate blocked emotions, and emotions always play nicer when they're flowing, not blocked.  So maybe the way you can cry easily over your ex is a good thing, a freeing thing, and crying is what pain leaving feels like, so maybe when you're all cried out over her you'll still have access to that when the opportunity presents itself in the future.

and another big problem for me is i believe i have dreamt about BPDx every night since the break. that is another thing i wish i could control

I only dream in color when it's something really significant, the rest are black and white.  My ex made an appearance in my dreams, in full color, for about 6 months after I left her, and then one day, just stopped.  Haven't dreamt of her since.  My belief is that a dream is our brain processing things when we're asleep, and we get a glimpse of that processing with the dream, and once the rewiring is done, the dreams stop, rewiring complete.  These relationships do a number on us, and there's a bit of rewiring to do to make sense of the world again, so I say let them happen, until they don't need to anymore.

[gresmunkie]

yes you are right that makes complete sense. I guess the relationship one way or another may have opened up a door for feelings I may have been blocking for a long time which essentially is a positive thing.

 I find It very interesting about the dreaming and how common it is with us nons. as a matter of fact I find it interesting how these relationships affects us nons in many similar ways altogether.

I have a ton of respect for everyone on this site. its strange how reading/posting almost automatically makes you feel better to a certain extent, even if temporary.

[Nester]

I'm like you: I don't cry over things. But when I broke up with my pwBPD, I laid on the floor of my shower and cried for a good half hour. It was extremely painful, but I knew I had to do it, and it did help.

I don't have much advice about the dreams: I have them too, and I hate them. The worst is trying to go to sleep again after you wake up from one at 3 in the morning. All I can say is that I've found it's better to face them than make yourself stay up late (or get up early) to try and avoid them.

For me, the worst part is the helplessness of knowing that it's never going to work with her. I still love her; heck, I'm still *in love* with her. But it just doesn't matter, because she's not someone who can ever have a healthy adult relationship. I really, really hate knowing that.

[Leonis]

I don't have much advice about the dreams: I have them too, and I hate them. The worst is trying to go to sleep again after you wake up from one at 3 in the morning. All I can say is that I've found it's better to face them than make yourself stay up late (or get up early) to try and avoid them.

For a few weeks, going to sleep was actually the worst time of the day for me because I'm not doing anything that's occupying my mind.

Your experience does seem like a huge blow gresmunkie, but maybe not focusing on getting to where you were at before. Instead, focusing on where can you go from here. The last thing any of us want to do is going back to where we were before only to lead ourselves down the same path again.