It feels like no one loves me, but was that the whole idea?

[FallBack!Monster]

Why do I feel this way? it was just one person.  In reality, I'm sure there are plenty of people that care about me.  Love me and would do millions of things for me.  I know that "this too shall pass", but it's a feeling in my chest.  An unrealistic feeling that comes and goes. 

Then I think to myself, that's EXACTLY what she wanted me to think. To feel, to experience.  She wanted to punish me and make me feel the way she feels so that I could better understand.  They want us to know but instead of telling us, they rather make us feel it.  As if we deserve it.  All we did was try to give them the love they seem to be missing in their life.  Anyone else feels this way?

[JerryRG]

I understand Back2Me16

These people do things to us that no mortal should ever endure, it's incremental and incidious and like a fly in a Web we are trapped in the web of confusion, fog and helpless until we get away from them. No Contact is the only choice I made that bought me enough time to clear my head of the nightmare. It was all an illusion because I tread into her realm, her mind, her reality.

That is no reality, and once we see the light of truth our eyes are open and our thoughts clear. It just takes time and action and choices to keep moving away from the darkness into truth and light.

I do hope you find peace soon, you are never alone and the lies are still orbiting in your mind, don't believe the lies.

Trust those who devote themselves to truth and compassion and empathy.

You have found friends here, choose to listen and soon your life with change for the better.

[rfriesen]

Back2Me,
Yes, it's an awful pain, isn't it? And it doesn't really make it feel any better to know that it's an unrealistic feeling.
I've run through a million thoughts about my ex being vindictive, cruel, heartless, calculating, spiteful, ... .you name it. After about four months of turning it all over endlessly in my mind, here's what I think. I think there are flashes of that in my ex. She could explode in anger and want to punish me. To make me hurt. She knew how to reach deep into my heart and tear it good. But I've also seen her suddenly change and frantically try to hold onto me by telling me how much loved and needed me and by pleading with me to stay. I don't think the latter was any less real, in the end. My ex didn't seem to be able to keep her feelings or personality stable in this sense. So, yes, I still am deeply hurt and sometimes very angry thinking about what felt like her punishing behaviours. But ultimately I don't think she really had any stable plan or desire to punish me. In a very real sense, I don't think she could help herself. Or the loving side couldn't restrain the hurt and hateful side. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but it is what it is.

How does it make you feel to imagine she wanted you to hurt as she hurts? Does that make you feel even more betrayed and angry?  

[Larmoyant]

I feel this way too. My ex told me to open my eyes, look around, no one cares for me. I think this reflected his own beliefs about himself. He once sent me a link to a song “Everybody Hurts” when he thought I was hurting. I was, but I think this also reflected his feelings. I truly believe he was transferring all his pain, hurt, and anger onto me. Over and over. It worked. I'm sorry you are hurting 

[FallBack!Monster]

How does it make you feel to imagine she wanted you to hurt as she hurts? Does that make you feel even more betrayed and angry?  

it doesn't make me feel more betrayed and angry.  In fact, when I she pops up in my head all I feel is annoyed, because I know she doesn't belong there.

If you try and analyze what I'm saying... .
I'm not so much hurting for her anymore.  Every day since she left (even though she stills pops up at the most inopportune times) I missed her less and less.  I don't know what to miss of her now.  She gave me nothing.  I think all I missed for a while, was the idea that it could have been good, though nothing was.

I re read what I said and I don't think I'm still expressing hurt for her or the end of our relationship. I think it is the puzzle that would be in anyones head after the fact. But even if you've never experienced it yourself and you heard a story like the ones here, I think you too would seek to understand the topic.  It's almost like you want to say but why... .but here we all know that why doesn't matter.

I'm still like wow about the disorder in general and how they seem so normal.  Then later, so abnormal.  ... .Everything... .at the beginning, during, and after, 'til now. Puzzling. But I know I will get through this.  I'm been through worst experiences.  We all will. I've been doing things differently.  I know she didn't and doesn't deserve my peace of mind.  Thank you all for the encouraging words.

[JerryRG]

My exgf told me my family hated me and even my T couldn't stand me, after hearing this I did question myself if it wasn't true. She called me ugly, pathetic, immature, stupid, insane, and then she got worse. Constant insults and sarcasm and now I know it came from her feelings about herself. I couldn't even tell her I thought she was pretty without her getting angry and her thinking I was lying.

[Wize]

OP, I'll tell you the same thing my mom told me tonight "I hope very soon you realize what I and everyone else in your life tried to tell you; you're way out of her league and deep down, you know it." 

Of course, my first reaction was to say "well, if I'm so out of her league how did she hurt me so bad?" My mom: "because you opened your heart to her and she doesn't know what to do when she has access to a good, kind heart like yours.  You threw your pearls to the swine."  Btw, my mom really really really doesn't like my stbx BPDwife and my mom is one of the kindest most loving people in the world.  You've got to really be a piece of crap to piss her off.