What do you do about the hurt?

[StayStrongNow]

Double Post


What do you do about the hurt when the BPD has ripped into your life and now has left selling the idea to all that you are a bad person?

I read the article on this site written by Roger Melon entitled “How a Borderline Relationship Evolves”.  This article describes my entire relationship including a 10 year marriage exactly to a tee with Melon’s three phases of the relationship being right on.  The first phase is “Love – the Vulnerable Seducer Phase”, where the person “ambivalently is in need of being rescued”, the second phase, “Love – the Clinger Phase”, is that she clings on but putting her first and finally the “Love – the Hater Phase”, and hate they do!  Now she has found another “victim” to the cycle of seduction, to cling on strong, and then let go and discard.

I should have known I was discarded when domestic battery occurred enough times she finally made a mark and landed in jail.  But I foolishly went back for more and tried reconciliation. I know now I was trying to recycle the “Clinger Phase” but was again rejected that included such actions as getting battered while I was driving and almost getting killed with my three children.

So let’s review, I have lived the nightmare of a relationship with a BPDer, she has discarded me that included using extreme violence, has a new boyfriend and I know she’s gone.  It’s over, she will not go to therapy and this is the new norm.

I do hurt, even though it is irrational.  If this relationship was with a person with more mental stability, I believe I could handle it better.  But l facing the facts, the  BPDer is emotionally immature, a compulsive liar, and has moved on and I should be happy!
But I just cannot forget about all this, there is so much history between us.  How do you deal with the hurt?

[Hlinthewiking]

My GF has BPD and that article also is exactly what I go thru.

Pretend that I'm you, when you read this.

It's almost 5am here right now, she just had an episode on me (Hate) and I needed to endure it until now like a rock so that we can still be together, the price is that I won't sleep hardly at all.

I have broken up with her in the past and I felt just as you do, in fact I can describe you what I felt and what I fear if I leave her for good.

My feelings for her are so deep I feel I will never have this with anyone again. No one ever has satisfied me sexually like she does (when she feels like it). She also batters me and has done during traffic once. I feel for her and I know she's suffering, even though she says she suffers because of me, I also know that is not true and she will suffer much more without me. I also know how badly she treats me, but I don't want to simply forget her, she's so important to me, I never loved anyone as much as I love her.

Did I get your attention?

It's not worth it, in your case she has already moved on. You will remember her, but with time it will hurt less and less, then you will stop loving her and she will still be important, but you won't love her, then she will have some significance but you will question yourself what were you thinking when you were with her.

It will take time, but you WILL heal, it sounds ridiculous and something everyone says, but no one said it would be easy, it will happen. You need to stay strong, don't be alone, come here at the forums, talk to friends, family, when you feel comfortable talk to women, when you do you will see what you were missing and how a healthy relationship can be good.

You are a step ahead of me, I were in your shoes a few months ago, but I slipped back, I didn't have enough support, take action, don't be alone and be aware that if you still have such deep feelings for her you may need to take newer relationships real easy until you can fall in love again. I saw close to 30 women in the 4 months I was single and I rushed back to her because I wasn't ready, I could only think on her.

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you for your reply, you do describe very similar circumstances and I do appreciate your support. One thing you type to me is a stark contrast is "she will suffer much more without me". This may be different. She seems to be gloating to my children during her parenting time which at this moment is when I am at work, all about her new boyfriend. I still am not divorced yet but nevertheless I believe the cycle has started with her.
When I met her I was her Knight in Shinning Armor" it was exactly like Melon's first phase. When attending a clinic, one of the three or more she has attended court ordered or voluntary she wrote an essay and I was her savior that saved her from all the injustice , all the evil people.

For her first arrest and charge of spousal battery through the 6 other charges in 15 months they were all my fault. Even though her mother and her could have lied during the battery trial they chose not to and she pleaded guilty to a lesser charge. Both the mother and my soon to be ex wife to this day blocked out the attack and say I through my wife in jail. My kids saw the whole thing. My point of bringing up the first of many of involvement with law enforcement and DCFS and her arrests is that she believed I caused all this injustice in her life.

So you see she doesn't love me and she doesn't want me back. She has me as her target of blame for everything and has me to tell everyone how horrible I have made her life. For 9 years of our relationship, maybe 8 I was her hero, I was such a great husband and father, now she just found a new rescuer from me, the evil one. This is the reality and this is the hurt, maybe a sane person would someday "snap out of it", she won't.
Regarding finding another woman to love, I do now have hope I do find a new love. It would have to be someone who is looking for a man who cares deeply for their children and loves them deeply, perhaps a single mother who did not have that with her mate. The chance encounter would have to be when I am with my beautiful children because I with them every moment I am not working. So my number if dates won't come close to yours. My season of life seems to be doing without right now until I am ready but I haven't given up, I am also musician and wrote a song about not giving up on love.
But this is the season of change from being a husband to a BPD and moving on. Now that I am determined in letting go, it just hurts looking back.

[gotbushels]

Hey StayStrongNow 

Living with a pwBPD is difficult to go through. You know this well having been in a relationship with one.

Sometimes things like history don't "go away" from memory because they haven't yet fulfilled their purpose for you. Sometimes memories are there to just be memories too, they don't go away.

Perhaps also, could you please share more about this statement?

I do hurt, even though it is irrational to be. If this relationship was with a person with more mental stability, I believe I could handle it better.  But let’s face the facts, she is emotionally immature, a compulsive liar, and has moved on and I should be happy!

[Leonis]

As bad as it sounds, I actually took a bit of advice from my uncle. I'm not a "red pill" type of guy, but I can see how being slightly "jerk-ish" helped me move on with my ex.

Basically, she's used goods. She supposedly carried and miscarried my kids and we've had plenty of unprotected sex. She's easily one of the most attractive women I've ever dated. She bought the wedding ring from me; thus, cutting down my losses.

I got lucky that my uBPD ex and I were each other's first physical relationship. I don't need to go into the physical details about how I knew she wasn't lying. Basically, I'm supposed to feel that I scored and walked away. I don't really like it, but sometimes a bit of pretend helps.

[heartandwhole]

Hi StayStrongNow,

None of it makes sense, and yet here we are, heads spinning, trying to understand. Not to mention hurting like he!. It's very difficult and I'm sorry you are going through this. My breakup with pwBPD was like nothing I had ever experienced, and it brought up wounds from my past, so that I was grieving for many losses, not just the loss of the relationship. These attachments can go very deep.

How to deal with the hurt? Some suggestions that might help:

1) First of all, acknowledge your hurt and feel the feelings as best you can. Try to experience them as physical sensations (ache in chest, numbness, heaviness in stomach, etc.) instead of connecting them to the stories in your head.

2) Reach out for support: friends, family, this forum, a therapist.

3) Take really good care of yourself: eat well, exercise, and try to get a good amount of sleep.

Once you have felt your feelings and can stand a little apart from them, you can start looking at your role more effectively. Be gentle with yourself, as the process is not linear and it takes time and patience.

Check out the lessons on the right sidebar, they will help guide you---->

Hang in there, StayStrongNow. You are not alone, and we are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you for your responses. I want to respond to you. First gotbushels, when I typed it is irrational for me to be hurt, that was my logical left side of my brain texting. My Corpus Callosum is a typical male energy  type. I can focus really well logically on things. Anyway my logical brain surmises that based on everything I have observed, read and listened to gives me strict confidence barring some divine intervention and a miraculous change, it's over and the best thing for me. Logically speaking the probability of us ever getting back together is highly unlikely, and if we do most likely I am stuck with the same old BPD who will dump me again as soon as her task of controlling me is accomplished again even deeper.

Now if I did not have to see her almost daily due to her having very limited visitation and me having to drop off the kids and pick up the kids it would be easier. The scenario would be more out of site out of mind. As an example this morning via a court order I demanded her take a breathalyzer test due in part to her telling my children she was going to a big party with the new rescuer boyfriend last night.  I had to be close to her this morning to observe the test. Well she comes to the door in short shorts and no bra and takes the test. She passed but (excuse me ladies, I am just a healthy male) at just a glanced I was very sexually aroused. She's gained weight too! My point being my logical brain says I am on the right track but my heart and soul tie to her isn't broken. It doesn't seem right that her ties are broken, first with the fact that with BPD and I am now viewed to her as the villain and second apparently oxytocin has the new boyfriend bonded to her. She is gone and I she is not gone from me.

I'll close by saying thank you again for what you typed, it helps.

[StayStrongNow]

heartandwho thank you for your very encouraging response. I must say when you ambassadors respond it seems like I am reading a Phd with advanced studies and specialities in BPD who are taking some time off as teaching professors and or getting their work published for books and magazines. Thank you it really helps.

[Lucky Jim]

What do you do about the hurt when the BPD has ripped into your life and now has left selling the idea to all that you are a bad person?

Hey SSN,  That sounds like a pretty typical ending for a BPD r/s.  You are not alone, my friend.  No, I don't think it's irrational to be hurt.  You are being true to your feelings, which equates to being authentic.  It's hard, no doubt.  The way out, in my view, involves figuring out why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place, which usually involves one's FOO.  Once you see the pattern, change is possible.  First step is to be good to yourself and focus on your needs for a change.

LuckyJim

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you Lucky Jim, I greatly appreciate it. You are so right!
Please excuse me, but I am a newbie here and I think you mentioned something that is really at the heart of the matter with me as you texted "involves one's FOO". I know my rookieness is apparent here but what does FOO stand for? I know this is critical for me to know. Thanks again.

[heartandwhole]

what does FOO stand for?

Hey StayStrongNow,

Hope you don't mind me jumping in. FOO stands for Family of Origin. You can find out more about various abbreviations here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.msg427962#msg427962

heartandwhole

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you so much heartandwhole I greatly appreciate it.

[gotbushels]

when I typed it is irrational for me to be hurt, that was my logical left side of my brain texting. My Corpus Callosum is a typical male energy  type. I can focus really well logically on things. Anyway my logical brain surmises that based on everything I have observed, read and listened to gives me strict confidence barring some divine intervention and a miraculous change, it's over and the best thing for me. Logically speaking the probability of us ever getting back together is highly unlikely, and if we do most likely I am stuck with the same old BPD who will dump me again as soon as her task of controlling me is accomplished again even deeper.

I see:) Okay StayStrongNow. Yes, it doesn't make logical sense sometimes to feel hurt when things around separation happen. On the other hand, I'd consider that can also be fairly rational for you to be hurt from three things:
1. You separated from someone.
2. There was violence involved.
3. The person you recently separated from got together with someone else.

The title of your thread itself is about hurt, and the hurt comes from somewhere. The connection between thoughts and feelings is there, whether we want it to be is a different matter.

I think it might be useful to you to see that you've already identified that part of you genuinely does not want to be in the relationship again.

We can observe that here:

Anyway my logical brain surmises that based on everything I have observed, read and listened to gives me strict confidence barring some divine intervention and a miraculous change, it's over and the best thing for me.

Your reasons for this are also fairly clear:

Logically speaking the probability of us ever getting back together is highly unlikely, and if we do most likely I am stuck with the same old BPD who will dump me again as soon as her task of controlling me is accomplished again even deeper.

I think it's good that you pride yourself on the logical part of you. At the same time I'd encourage you to exercise kindness to your own feelings. When we don't deal with feelings they have a tendency to be just that--not dealt with. And I'm guessing your first instinct is to chop the feelings off    I'd instead recommend a more honest and gentle way of handling it, e.g., using mindfulness and radical acceptance.

I also encourage you to take some quiet time to work through the lessons as heartandwhole recommended earlier. Ideally, the payoffs will be that you attend to your real emotions and you make a clearer decision. Right now that seems to have a shrouded feeling.

Now if I did not have to see her almost daily due to her having very limited visitation and me having to drop off the kids and pick up the kids it would be easier. The scenario would be more out of site out of mind. As an example this morning via a court order I demanded her take a breathalyzer test due in part to her telling my children she was going to a big party with the new rescuer boyfriend last night.  I had to be close to her this morning to observe the test. Well she comes to the door in short shorts and no bra and takes the test. She passed but (excuse me ladies, I am just a healthy male) at just a glanced I was very sexually aroused. She's gained weight too! My point being my logical brain says I am on the right track but my heart and soul tie to her isn't broken.

Don't forget your body along with your heart, soul, and mind 

Have a restful week.