Feeling pretty stressed, lost, angry, upset and confused

[FallBack!Monster]

I see that she is searching for ways to stop the whirlpool. No, actually, she is running and hiding from the whirlpool.

When you get blocked now, what do you do?

What happens when she reaches out to you? How long have you gone without connecting with her?

Maybe take a break from talking about how her actions make you feel?

When I get blocked I feel anxious to let her know that this is all stupid. The arguing, the fighting etc - I love her why is she shutting me out?

I'm not sure she will reach out, its usually me, I've never gone longer than 2 or 3 weeks.

I agree 100%. She doesn't want to hear about how shes hurt me. It obviously makes no sense to her whatsoever.

I have read many other peoples feelings and I can also pair it with my own, all the words you've just shared.  I feel the same but I understand why and its okay to feel this way.  She cares, but in her way.  She wants to reach out to me, but something in herself or her live is preventing her from doing it.  The sex part, yes that too.  The blocking well idk if it happened but it sure felt like I was blocked.  I'm not running and hiding but I am leaving this behind.  There isn't and never was anything in that "whirlpool" for me. 

This is why I sleep well now.  I know I was only a joke to her,  and I must get over that quickly before i miss something good. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

So angry right now.

Anger has momentum, it can propel us to make changes. You have really good ideas to take care of yourself right now.

Sometimes, too, opposite action can help change a dynamic.

What about taking a break from how you've been doing things in the past, waiting for her to reach out to you? This plan will keep you busy:

I'm going to start up at the gym, get fit, eat right, read books, stabilise myself over the next couple of months

If she reaches out to you in that time, be light, breezy, casual. You may want to give yourself a limit to how long you talk, not commit to doing anything, carve out a little bit of space for yourself and pay attention to how it all feels.

It's going to be hard, and it will hurt. We'll be here for you if you need a few buddies who understand. 

[Confused2much]

So angry right now.

Anger has momentum, it can propel us to make changes. You have really good ideas to take care of yourself right now.

Sometimes, too, opposite action can help change a dynamic.

What about taking a break from how you've been doing things in the past, waiting for her to reach out to you? This plan will keep you busy:

I'm going to start up at the gym, get fit, eat right, read books, stabilise myself over the next couple of months

If she reaches out to you in that time, be light, breezy, casual. You may want to give yourself a limit to how long you talk, not commit to doing anything, carve out a little bit of space for yourself and pay attention to how it all feels.

It's going to be hard, and it will hurt. We'll be here for you if you need a few buddies who understand. 

You are spot on LnL,

This time I need to break the cycle. If she calms and realises that I'm worth more over the next few weeks and calls then I hope I'll be a lot calmer, more relaxed and breezy.

The thing is I've been acting pretty mental lately and I remember when I met her her ex husband was acting pretty crazy. When I met her we had a wild first night and ended up sleeping together so if the pattern continues she'll be having wild nights about now and will be sleeping with her next target? Or could I have actually been the most amazing person shes ever met? Could our times together really have been the best of her life and could she come back to me?

So confusing.

[livednlearned]

It will be easier to give yourself a break if you focus on how you feel, separate from what she does. Hard! I know.

Changing a habit, especially one you really like, is super difficult. Expect it to be a challenge and look for patterns in your thought and behavior that lead to obsessing about her. Try to catch the habit early and do a redirect, something distracting. Or give yourself permission to indulge for 5 min, then the next time 4 min, then the next time 3 min. Then nada.

If you can regulate your feelings internally instead of basing them on what coulda shoulda woulda with her, it will go a long way if you two get back together. We can't have you going mental again.

Make these changes because they are good for you.

Then reevaluate when you get your sea legs back.

[Confused2much]

It will be easier to give yourself a break if you focus on how you feel, separate from what she does. Hard! I know. 

Just a quick update. I haven't tried to contact her all evening and I feel like I've turned a corner tonight. I'm not overly bothered about what she's doing and I'm really focusing on myself, how I'm feeling and just feeling chilled.

I'm not even tempted to call her... .I hope this lasts.

I think the important thing for me has been to actually sit and think about what I'm going to replace my thoughts about her with. I'm focused on getting fit, my best friends wedding, presentation at work and I'm going to start writing again. I want to write comedy so I'm going to focus my time on that.

Goodnight new friends x

[Confused2much]

Something that is eating me away a bit is the way I've behaved. I'm supposed to be a man and after 2 and a half years of this crap from her I just broke down. Depression, anxiety, heart ache... .What the ___? I've lost it a few times and had tears stream out of pure frustration and I'm ashamed at that.

I've never broken down or let anyone see me like that before. Just feel ashamed.

[FallBack!Monster]

Just a quick update... .
I'm not even tempted to call her... .I hope this lasts.

Up until last night, I thought my ex and I were going to have some type of relationship.  She had agreed to redirect her thoughts to ideas that I had given her, any time she felt like acting psychotic.

We had also agreed to meet at least once a week for meals; after the break up. But last night came the defining moment.  I got tired of waiting for her to show up.  She stood me up, once again.  After making plans, talking about the nice dress and shoes she bought for occasion, another no show.

I have completely gone NC.  I'm not down bc I miss her.  I no longer miss her.  She decided our fate and I had no choice but to go with it.  I'm just like   , now what's next?

I know I won't call her or look for her.  She's living a life and trying to make me think she's somewhere suffering.

[Confused2much]

That's something I never really understood about my ex. The pretending to be lonely and suffering.

A long time ago I decided to turn up to hers to take her out for dinner. She'd not been well but I wanted to cheer her up. As I got near her house I called and asked what she was up to. She said "I'm just in the house on my own putting some shopping away". I turned the corner and her car wasn't there. I said "ok, if you're in then you can come to the door, I'm outside".

She panicked and said "I'm not there!"

Do you think I ever got an explanation for her lies? Nope, never. She got angry and said "I don't have to tell you anything!"

I think that for some reason she preferred me thinking she was alone, bored, feeling unwell when in fact she was out having fun. These people wonder why you lose the plot?

[Confused2much]

Just an update for all of those who have supported me.

I broke the silence and called her last night. I know it was wrong but she seemed ok to hear from me and we had a calm chat and even laughed a bit.

I explained that I have no hard feelings and really hate the fact we've ended up in this position. I told her that I'm sorry for going on and making things about me too often and asked if she still thinks this is the end of the road for us. Her reply was "I don't know" which I think might be progress and a sign she is calming down. She was going for a hospital appointment today so I just told her that it'll all be ok and I hope shes ok and left it at that. She said thank you.

I replied with "Give me a call or drop me a txt if you'd like to talk" and thats it.

It's difficult but I actually see this as progress and I'm going to concentrate on work and the gym tonight and not contact her again. As far as I'm concerned the ball is in her court now.

I suppose I wait and see.

[Confused2much]

Scratch that. Shes been vile to me and I think shes seeing someone else.

Horrific

[livednlearned]

What happened?

[Confused2much]

What happened?

It's over. I cant take anymore. I'm losing my mind and before I completely snap and end up sectioned I'm going to sort this out. I've blocked her from calling and texting and I've arranged for counselling through a free service that my company provides.

I ended up waiting outside her house convinced she was out with another man. I'm losing my marbles. She wasn't; I think her lies have driven me insane.

She's told me so many lies, LnL. Its broken me. Major lies, small lies, lies with bells hanging off them. She'd lie about things that are completely pointless so she'll obviously lie about more sinister things. She does it to maintain the illusion that shes persecuted, innocent and victimised but, at the end of it all, it means that I don't trust a word she says. She lied recently about taking her child to the hospital for a scan. That's a serious line crossed for me. I've been seriously tortured over the last few years and it's left me in a confusing place. Its weird because before her I was really stable and fairly happy.  

I think I've done my stint with her and its time to move from trying to rescue this relationship to accepting its unhealthy and letting it end.

Underneath her lies, games and selfish behaviour their is a beautiful and precious human being who deserves happiness - this awful personality disorder has stolen our happiness and our amazing future. Gutted.