Why do some PWBPD's cut off people?

[insideoutside]

So; I'm nearly post 3 months since my BPD friend cut me off; I've tried to engage him via text, email and FB messenger with each going ignored.  I've since blocked him on Facebook now as the anxiety of waiting for him to block me first was too much.

I think what I struggle with most is why do they cut people off?  Up until me and my friend fell out over text (sorry, I fell out with him, he went silent then cut me off completely) we had a good friendship and one we both said nothing would jeopardise.

What causes PWBPD's to just cut people off dead they way they do?  I have no idea if I've been painted black or not but at this point nearly 3 months on it feels like our friendship never existed and I imagined it all.

[Meili]

Typically, they cut people off to avoid their own pain.

pwBPD will go to extraordinary lengths not to look at what hurts them. It isn't the external that hurts them however, it's the internal. But, it's far easier to place the blame elsewhere than to deal with the actual cause.

In your friend's mind, he is probably blaming you for his pain. To try to avoid the pain, he avoids you.

[insideoutside]

Typically, they cut people off to avoid their own pain.

pwBPD will go to extraordinary lengths not to look at what hurts them. It isn't the external that hurts them however, it's the internal. But, it's far easier to place the blame elsewhere than to deal with the actual cause.

In your friend's mind, he is probably blaming you for his pain. To try to avoid the pain, he avoids you.

Thanks Meili; even if I apologised which he said he accepted but was told to 'leave it alone now'?

I have accepted that I'll probably never hear from again; that truly devastates me but I only have myself to blame for going off the way I did which in turn ended our friendship.  I can't apologise anymore; I've tried and took the blame but its obviously driven him away.  I'm at the accepting stage but still have pangs of sadness.

[heartandwhole]

Hi izzybusy,

It hurts to lose a friend, especially when you are cut off like that. I'm sorry that's happening. It's totally understandable to wonder why, but that's a big question, with answers as variable as people on the planet. Your friend with BPD is unique and individual, so it's hard to know why he is acting that way.

My best guess would be that a pwBPD who cuts another off has experienced a change of heart regarding that relationship. Very often feeings=facts, so if pwBPD got triggered (felt shame, invalidated, fearful of abandonment/engulfment, etc.) by something associated with you, then suddenly you are the "bad" guy and have to be got rid of. You become the trigger for those feelings that pwBPD does not want to feel (it's too painful). Remember, BPD is an attachment disorder, so in close relationships there is a LOT at stake; so much so, that a pwBPD's defense mechanisms inevitably kick in. A pwBPD can have an extremely fragile sense of self, so that has to be "protected" at all costs.

That's just one idea, among many reasons this may be happening. I know it's hard to let go of the why's and what if's. It certainly was for me. Rest assured that during the time you were friends, that WAS real. It's just that a pwBPD's feelings (i.e., reality) can change so quickly that we, with our way of thinking and behaving, can't catch up. It takes education to understand that this is a disorder that leads to behaviors that we just can't understand.

heartandwhole

[Meili]

Yes, even if we apologize. We have already triggered the fear inside when they do this. In their minds, we are the cause of their fear when it is actually something buried deep within themselves.

While it is true that you are responsible for your reaction(s), you were not in it alone. It took two people to engage, so you are not completely responsible. I know that is of little comfort at this moment, but when you accept that you are only 100% responsible for your part and 0% for his, it will probably take some of the pain away.

[pgri8684]

Hi Izzybusy,

Your friendship existed. Your friend was sincere but for some reason that friendship is completely gone. There are rarely any nuances, everything is black or white.
What he felt was unpredictable, you did or did not do something that hurt intolerably.
Maybe he will contact you after a while; I hope you will be healed enough to think if it's your interest to get involved again in his life.
That's how I feel personally. I was completely cut off. The silence treatment lasted 3 months. Now she contacts me when she feels sad or upset. I expect nothing, I behave friendly.

[SoMadSoSad]

The reason why mine cut me off was because she said the love has died for her. She sees me as disrespectful. I guess for her since the love has died then i am of no use to her.

[Leonis]

Who knows why my ex decided to cut me off.

Two days before she made that declaration, she made me dinner and we got intimate again. Two days later, she texted me that she's cutting off contact forever. She hasn't spoken a word since until I went and saw her yesterday afternoon.

After a brief, civil, exchange, I left and that was that.

[SoMadSoSad]

From what i gathered my ex cut me off so she wouldn't be tempted to come back to me. I guess i caused her a lot of pain from fear of abandonment. Usually, during the relationship when my ex was mad at me she would literally run away. I would always chase after her and after us being together for a few minutes she would usually calm down (we didnt even have to say anything to each other sometimes) and everything would be ok. I guess she didnt want to follow this dynamic anymore so her only choice was to cut me off completely. After the break up, she said that the times when she ran away she didnt want me to chase her... .even though sometimes she would call me to come get her when i actually left her alone.

[Leonis]

From what i gathered my ex cut me off so she wouldn't be tempted to come back to me.

That actually makes a lot of sense. My ex was seemingly warming up to me again and then pulled an "all out" bail after two months of push/pull.

These people are exhausting. I know what you mean by trying to calm them down. I've done that at least half a dozen times over 1.5 year.