I don't get it

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yesterday I finally got it... .that spurt of righteous anger. My stbx's BPD was not the most significant problem- addiction and delusions were the straw. I've posted what seems like a million times about his destruction of my house, etc. So when I got angry it was like FINALLY! This is a man who lied and manipulated (drugs), painted me black, caused property damage, and is completely delusional. 

I woke up this morning and looked over the separation agreement one last time before I send it, and it completely did me in. The if- onlys have started. If only he could get clean, if only he could be admitted to inpatient treatment, if only... .I couldn't send the agreement. My kids came home from their trip and I said the word separate and started sobbing.

I know I'll cycle in and out of emotions, but somehow I thought I had made some progress. Back to sadness.

[atomic popsicles]

Yesterday I finally got it... .that spurt of righteous anger. My stbx's BPD was not the most significant problem- addiction and delusions were the straw. I've posted what seems like a million times about his destruction of my house, etc. So when I got angry it was like FINALLY! This is a man who lied and manipulated (drugs), painted me black, caused property damage, and is completely delusional. 

I woke up this morning and looked over the separation agreement one last time before I send it, and it completely did me in. The if- onlys have started. If only he could get clean, if only he could be admitted to inpatient treatment, if only... .I couldn't send the agreement. My kids came home from their trip and I said the word separate and started sobbing.

I know I'll cycle in and out of emotions, but somehow I thought I had made some progress. Back to sadness.

[JerryRG]

Don't beat yourself up  atomic popsicles

This process takes time, two steps forward, one step back. You are moving and taking steps and that's what matters.

Pat yourself on the back for having a good day yesterday and remember this pain will end, healthy healing requires time.

Don't be afraid to lean on those who love you right now, this is an awful grieving process. Hang in there, if I can get well, you sure can too. 

[Wize]

Yesterday I finally got it... .that spurt of righteous anger. My stbx's BPD was not the most significant problem- addiction and delusions were the straw. I've posted what seems like a million times about his destruction of my house, etc. So when I got angry it was like FINALLY! This is a man who lied and manipulated (drugs), painted me black, caused property damage, and is completely delusional. 

I woke up this morning and looked over the separation agreement one last time before I send it, and it completely did me in. The if- onlys have started. If only he could get clean, if only he could be admitted to inpatient treatment, if only... .I couldn't send the agreement. My kids came home from their trip and I said the word separate and started sobbing.

I know I'll cycle in and out of emotions, but somehow I thought I had made some progress. Back to sadness.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one that got heavily triggered by the separation agreement.  Those documents really drive home that it's over.  They illustrate failure where hope used to be. My wife and I had so many hopes and dreams.  Shattered now.  And these documents prove that the dream is over and she is gone.

[Herodias]

I know it all seems so bleak right now... .I was devastated by it all. I really didn't think that an actual divorce would make me feel any different. I am here to tell you it does. It feels so much better to not be married to a lying, addicted, cheating, alcoholic, abusive, porn watching, womanizer! Really- it feels so much better. I think I was bogged down and embarrassed that he had another woman pregnant. But now I am not a part of that anymore. I am the strong one who got away from it! It feels freeing. It feels powerful. Just keep moving forward... .you will see. It is better on the other side! Let me tell you what I just discovered about my exes gf. She took her husband to court to divorce him and had to voluntarily dismiss the case due to her being pregnant! She had to wait until the baby was born, get a paternity test and now has to refile for divorce. Can you imagine how awful that is for that guy? I bet he can't wait to be divorced from her! As difficult as this all is... .I am telling you, it is such a better life away from the pain, agony, abuse and drama. It really is. I promise you... .   It is not your failure... .it is theirs.

[Teereese]

I know it all seems so bleak right now... .I was devastated by it all. I really didn't think that an actual divorce would make me feel any different. I am here to tell you it does. It feels so much better to not be married to ... .

As difficult as this all is... .I am telling you, it is such a better life away from the pain, agony, abuse and drama. It really is. I promise you... .   It is not your failure... .it is theirs.

So true Herodias and JerryRG.

Detaching is not always a forward moving process. I had to go back and feel emotions because I hadn't moved on from them. Sometimes multiple times.

The other side is hope ... .but for a peaceful life void of the chaos and manipulation and lies. It is not easy, but I'll take my own struggles over the never ending crazymaking.

It takes time, healing happens and life goes on.