Saw her in line at store today

[joeramabeme]

I unexpectedly saw my ex-uBPD wife waiting in line at the grocery store today.  I have not seen her in 6 months since divorce and my Mothers funeral and last texted with her 4 months ago.

I got overwhelmed and couldn't decide what to do so put my groceries down on the shelf and walked out the back door hoping she did not see me.

I feel foolish.  I still think about all the things that happened between the two of us, how much I still care for her and even fantasize that one day we will be like we used to be.  Yet, I see her and run away like a scared little boy.  What the heck!

I thought for a moment that I would just get in line and then casually say hello and ask how she was, but I felt it would be way too weird for me.  I mean I still have a lot of feelings for her.  If I acted like we were acquaintances it would be creepy to me and hurt.

This encounter / sighting reminded me of just how distant she was/is when she left the marriage; not a shred of feeling for us - so surreal.  I am still hurt really by the void of her feelingless discard of our 10 year marriage and her inability to associate any positive memories with all this. 

JRB

[Turkish]

That's a tough one.  Can't say I might not have done the same thing in your shoes,  refocusing since it sounds like you haven't gotten closure.  Do you ever foresee the casual social interaction?  If so,  how would it go in your mind? 

[Herodias]

So sorry... .I am not sure what I would do either... .Must have felt right at the time. I would probably say some sarcastic thing and that's not good either... .Hard to know. Hopefully you won't have that happen again any time soon... .I don't look at it as scared... .I look it as non- confrontational- which we all know is smart when it comes to dealing with them. Good for you!

[jhkbuzz]

I unexpectedly saw my ex-uBPD wife waiting in line at the grocery store today.  I have not seen her in 6 months since divorce and my Mothers funeral and last texted with her 4 months ago.

I got overwhelmed and couldn't decide what to do so put my groceries down on the shelf and walked out the back door hoping she did not see me.

I feel foolish.  I still think about all the things that happened between the two of us, how much I still care for her and even fantasize that one day we will be like we used to be.  Yet, I see her and run away like a scared little boy.  What the heck!

I thought for a moment that I would just get in line and then casually say hello and ask how she was, but I felt it would be way too weird for me.  I mean I still have a lot of feelings for her.  If I acted like we were acquaintances it would be creepy to me and hurt.

This encounter / sighting reminded me of just how distant she was/is when she left the marriage; not a shred of feeling for us - so surreal.  I am still hurt really by the void of her feelingless discard of our 10 year marriage and her inability to associate any positive memories with all this.  

JRB

You took steps to protect yourself emotionally - good for you! I think one of the hardest/strangest things I've been learning in the aftermath of my own r/s is how to take care of myself - how to put myself first, in a healthy sort of way. What I needed took a back seat to what my ex and stepdaughter needed for a very long time. You did what you needed to do for you, and you even know why you did it. That's protecting yourself, that's looking at your own needs and deciding that you didn't want any interaction with someone who is a danger to your emotional and mental health. I think that's healthy, IMHO.

At the six month mark, I think I would have reacted exactly the same as you did. At the two year mark, it wouldn't freak me out to see her. Hang in there, it's a journey of healing, and you won't always feel like this.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel foolish. 

You could feel that, or as others have said, you could decide that you did it to put your emotional health ahead of all else, which is a good thing, and your priorities and instincts were in the right place.  Plus, I would rather have done what you did than have an awkward chat, which it probably would have been based on where you are.  I say celebrate the win and keep moving forward, and one day that might happen again and it won't faze you at all, a worthy goal yes?

[joeramabeme]

I feel foolish. 

You could feel that, or as others have said, you could decide that you did it to put your emotional health ahead of all else, which is a good thing, and your priorities and instincts were in the right place.  Plus, I would rather have done what you did than have an awkward chat, which it probably would have been based on where you are.  I say celebrate the win and keep moving forward, and one day that might happen again and it won't faze you at all, a worthy goal yes?

Thanks for the validation all.  Yes, today I feel that I made the right choice and protected my still fragile heart and soul.  In some ways I think it was helpful to have had the encounter because it took some of the fantasizing about what she could be thinking into the reality that this store is 2 minutes form my home and if she had a lick of interest in talking to me she could have easily used this as an excuse to do so. 

HTH, I agree that one day it won't faze me.  I would not state it as a goal of mine other than to be freed from the confusing anguish that still creeps in from time to time.  As for the ideal goal, it would be that she and I could talk as if we were old friends.  Given what I have learned it is not a goal I would work towards, but still hope for.

Thanks again.
JRB

[fromheeltoheal]

As for the ideal goal, it would be that she and I could talk as if we were old friends.  Given what I have learned it is not a goal I would work towards, but still hope for.

Yeah, I entertained the thought of that as well, but eventually came to the conclusion that we were never friends, not really, we lived in a mutually created fantasy for a while, until that blew up, but we were never true friends, so how could we ever be old friends later?  And of course if we were truly friends at the time we wouldn't have broken up, so I agree, it is not a goal worth working towards.  Do you consider that hope something you haven't detached from yet or no?

[joeramabeme]

Do you consider that hope something you haven't detached from yet or no?

Glad you asked this question.  I am not of the mind that the purpose of all that I have learned and done is to detach from hope, yet, sometimes I feel that this is the message that I should be taking away. 

Think I will start another post that addresses this question explicitly as I would bet that others have it too and it would make for good discovery and learning for all.

Thanks
JRB

[ScotisGone74]

No shame in your game in your game brother.  4 months out from a 10 year marriage with someone that hates you,  or has convinced you they hate you,... .no need to say anything.   I would have probably done the same thing

[fromheeltoheal]

Do you consider that hope something you haven't detached from yet or no?

Glad you asked this question.  I am not of the mind that the purpose of all that I have learned and done is to detach from hope, yet, sometimes I feel that this is the message that I should be taking away. 

Detaching from hope isn't the point, but I did phrase it that way, a little misleading.  To be more clear, the goal is to detach emotionally from our exes, and holding onto hope that it could one day work out is a way to not detach.  The distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge leap, and a hard one to take, but necessary to detach fully, and holding on to some hope, usually hoping for a fantasy that could never be, is deluding ourselves.

So no, by all means hope, hope for an awesome future, hope the best for you ex, it's that specific kind of hope that things could work out that can get in the way of our detachment if we let it.  A new thread on that would be great, I'll look for it!