How did you react when you found out who your replacement was?

[asphyx]

The guy my exBPD replaced me with:

- Would mumble alot, could barely pronounce his words.
- Is a hard-drug addict and drug dealer.
- Seems like a massive douchebag.
- Has dark skin. I have nothing against black people, but she told me multiple times in the relationship that 'she would never ever date or have sex with a black guy', so it was definitely a shock.
- Has no car, has to borrow other people's cars to drive around.
- Tried having sex with two girls in her group of friends beforehand, but they turned him down.
- Is most likely only interested in sex, not a long-term relationship.

I felt sick to my stomach when I found out who it was. I'd actually feel better if she had found someone decent, to take care of her and our cat, but it seems like she is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. He was the first guy in a while that gave her a bit of attention (besides me) and she started idealizing him. It also kinda hurt in a way because it meant that there was nothing really special about me that attracted her to me, she just needed a partner and I happened to be in the right/wrong place.

How did you react when you found out who your replacement was?

[RicoHal]

I found out the other guy was a sports jock.

I started working out everyday, became more and more like him, starting doing "bad boy" things and dated multiple women at once.

It worked out so incredibly well i cannot believe it myself.

Bought second sports car and don't give a ___ anymore.

Bad Boys always win when combined with decent intelligence.

[Herodias]

Shocked of course... .they all seem to end up with someone opposite of what we would think. All of the stuff they said to us, would lead you to believe they would never end up with who they did... .maybe it is a set up for the next person... I don't know. Mine always would laugh at me and say "You and you Southern education" implying it wasn't as good as his from up north. The thing is... .I grew up in the north, so it made no sense at all. It was always a ridiculous argument. He also didn't like southern accents. Now he is with someone from the south- I suppose he will be putting her down for her education or lack of- in his mind. He would put me down for being over weight- now he is with the huge woman whose body type starts out way bigger than me. In fact, the last time he saw me, he said you look so small. He told me her family makes fun of him for dressing conservative. Strange- It is who he is... .Probably why he is sporting the beard and western belt now. Trying to fit in with her.  He actually had an accent the last time I talked to him. She likes country music, he hates it. She is into guns like him- that could be bad if he turns them on her like he did to me. She wants to live in a cabin in the woods... .he wanted me to go do that with him- all I saw was red flags of being alone with him to be tortured! No Way! He said they went kayaking, but I doubt they will be doing much of that now with a baby. He was into scuba diving and wanted me to go, but when I said no, because he told me he could cut off my air supply and no one would know, then I was no fun because I wouldn't go with him! She said she would go with him! Hope she doesn't agree to insuring herself with him as the beneficiary like he wanted me to do! He wanted me to go hiking with him so he could throw me over the side of a cliff or mountain. Nice, huh... .This girl is not very attractive at all according to my friends and her co-workers... Her nick name at work is the man-woman. My friends think she has a witchy face. So there you go, I hate to sit here and put someone down, but those are the comments from other people and my observation of his turning into someone else identity. She did it too though, she started dressing like him, eating like him and liking what he liked... .They sure are a couple of messed up people. Not my problem anymore... .He told me I could do allot better, He's got that right! He told me she was cheap... .love it!  His Mother called her trash... .so there you go... .Is is surprising- yes. Will it last? No way... .He really needs someone who can do all of his sports with him and his weird sex acts... .probably a boyfriend would work out better for him- seriously-could happen.

[Leonis]

Sounds like they downgraded.

As funny as that would seem, I wonder where do I place on the totem pole because I certainly wasn't the first person she's dated.

I think they just reach for whatever is convenient at the time.

[kc sunshine]

This happened to me just a few days ago! Hmmm-- how did I react? I guess my wanting to know things mind kicked in and wanted to know all about her-- who she was, what she looked like if she had kids, her work, etc. Maybe by doing that I was comparing myself to her? Probably. Then I also wanted to know about the timing-- when they started, if she was on the radar during on breakup, what role she played in our breakup. In terms of feeling, I'm back and forth on it-- sometimes detached, sometimes very sad.

On the good side, it does seem like this new person could give my ex stability if that what she wants. It seems like that is very important for a successful BPD relationship-- predictability and stability. Those were tough things for me to give her because of my job and my child care arrangements (and my personality-- I'm a bit of a last minute planner, etc). So maybe she can find more peace with her.

[steelwork]

Wow, this is a big one for me. My replacement (ugh, I hate that word more every day) is someone we went to grad school with. While we were all in school together, this person was really unfriendly (never came out with us for coffee or drinks, despite constant invitations), super competitive (especially with other women, ESPECIALLY me), and kind of mean. She was 23-24 when we were in school together, living with her 50+ undergrad professor, and always having one drama after another with him.

Man, I tried to befriend her. She was so young, in such a weird situation, getting none of the social benefits of our intimate grad program... .add to this, she was SUCH a competitive person--she said she was used to being the best at everything and wasn't happy otherwise--and the teacher of both our big workshops spent the whole year pitting us against each other. I knew she felt like we should be rivals, so I tried to signal to her that I didn't want that. I invited her out to coffee three times, and each time she backed out at the last minute. After we graduated, I kept getting updates on her successes from the program, and every time she won a prize or had some other success I wrote her a note congratulating her. I really tried. Finally, I gave up.

Now, ALL THIS TIME, my ex was slagging her and making fun of her.

Initially, when I found out he was in a new relationship, he didn't say who it was. He just dropped it in an email. He'd gone silent on me for a few days, so I wrote and asked what was up, and he wrote back, "Nothing's wrong. Just busy, and happy in a new relationship." Just like that. Then there was a visit from Mr. Hyde, followed by a month of silence. Then, finally, I wrote him a letter, and he called me and told me it was her. I guess he was embarrassed to tell me who it was before. He kept saying, "She's a really nice person!" And I played it SO COOL. I said I liked her, and that we were going to have coffee but it never worked out, etc. Didn't say a word about the fact that she is 16 years younger than him, and that he'd done nothing but make fun of her.

Apparently what happened, he says, is that the guy she was living with--her undergrad professor, who was like 30 years older--was an alcoholic, and she wrote to my ex for advice, since he's an ex-junkie. They commiserated together and comforted each other and, voila, love!

Bitter, bitter, bitter pill for me to swallow. I took the high road with him, but I would be lying if I said it hasn't eaten me up inside. Especially since she continues to have massive success in our creative field, and has shown up on the judge's panel for a few things I was nominated for (and, of course, didn't get). It's kind of comical, really. She's like my cartoon rival.

For a while I thought that must be why he got with her--because he knew how much it would sting. But I realized that he just doesn't know that many people. I had disappointed him big-time, he was lonely, he took care of it.

[Rayban]

Haven't found out who my replacement was. We work together, and there are many orbiters around including women. A give away, is that she will suddenly stop speaking to some of these people, and I could see the disappointment in their faces, then shortly after she recycles them and they are back to speaking. Anyone who gives a tiny bit of attention is a potential target. I know some guys just use her for sex. I think she knows these guys won't accept her BS, and see her for what she is. She will be especially attracted to them if they are married or in a relationship.

I can't tell you the amount of times we were out together, and she would see some dude, that she would present as a ''friend'' It's like she knew they would be there, and I was dragged along as an objext to triangulate.

[woundedPhoenix]

Well, my replacement certainly wasn't picked for good looks or his good character,

instead i think he is just treating her like a sexdoll, and without too much respect.

Funny thing is, she probably needs that, someone who she can crush on sexually but at the same time can discard without too much trouble when it comes to it.

And it's odd to see how she again tailors her entire persona towards this fellow.


In the end BPDs don't really pick people they match with, they pick people who are available and relatively easy to control, and they change themselves through mirroring so they match... .

Anyone ever think that a relationship based on a total change of character has a lasting future? with every persona she builds i can see right where she suppresses a new subset of her own needs... .

[MapleBob]

I suspect that my ex has probably dated at least two people by now. I don't have any confirmation as to who/if/when (she's not terribly public about romantic relations, although apparently *I* should have been), but I have my suspicions... .Assuming I'm correct, they were definitely both downgrades. Not bad guys from what I can tell, just lackluster and short-term-feeling.

I'd give her 50/50 odds on eventually remarrying her ex-husband anyway. It always did feel like they were one desperate personal disaster/weird drunken weekend away from that anyway. They practically date as it is.

[Pretty Woman]

My replacement is a woman who was a new member in a public social group I coordinate. I run group with over 600 women in it (apparently a BPD breeding ground).

I befriended her and we went for drinks. This is not a gay group but she figured me and my ex were a couple and so I was honest with her as we both ran the group. She got really chummy and I actually thought she was interested in me which now is funny. We became friends (or so I thought) and I confided in her about all my breakups and my ex cheating.

She went right for her. They have been together ever since. My ex just moved in with her after a year of dating... .with the dog we bought together.

From the moment they got together I was smeared all over, including work (I work with her sister) and it's so bad people have tried to get me fired. It absolutely sucks and if I could date her over again I wouldn't. My livelihood, my career is more valuable than this poor excuse for a human being.

My replacement is a piece of crap, a person with no boundaries (like my ex), with bad character and a huge ego. I am confident she will eventually get knocked down a few pegs... .esp since they are now living together. I feel my ex and I lasted 3yrs because we didn't co-habitate.

[Leonis]

My replacement is a piece of crap, a person with no boundaries (like my ex), with bad character and a huge ego. I am confident she will eventually get knocked down a few pegs... .esp since they are now living together. I feel my ex and I lasted 3yrs because we didn't co-habitate.

Sounds like two disordered persons found each other. Wonder how that would pan out?

[findingmyselfagain]

I wasn't surprised about who it was. I was still totally shocked that someone could fall in love with me, get engaged quickly, practically let me adopt her baby daughter, and then destroy everything just two days after our wedding shower. (Now I know I'm fortunate that we didn't marry).

We met for our usual Tuesday date after the wedding shower. She was texting someone and oddly making a point for me to notice it. I didn't say anything... .just thought it was a little unusual for her to text while we're at the movies or on a date. We didn't have sex... .only a quick quickie... .which was highly unusual. A day later she asks me where her museum pass is because she needs it. She has it, of course, so no need to ask me. It turned out she was planning to go with "a friend." I asked who it was and found out it was a co-worker she had mentioned before. I didn't think that much of it at the time, but started putting two and two together and then it hit me. I texted her but she ignored me. I ended up getting upset, rightly so, just a few days after our wedding shower... .and she was accusing me of keeping her from having any friends, etc.

To get back to topic, this co-worker ended up being my replacement. Oddly my ex and I remained FB friends for a few months after we broke up. I saw where they were hanging out just a week or two after our b/u. I don't have any way of knowing if anything was going on before we were officially broken up. The biggest slap in the face was seeing a couple's picture of them as her FB profile with her wearing a shirt I bought for her.

I should have paid attention to the multitude of red flags... .odd former relationships and endings, lack of friends, etc. Lesson learned... .Thanks!

Me... .I'm a finance professional, clean record, etc. I found my replacement's mugshot, and he def fit the rough guy type... .earring, tattoos. He was over 10 years older than her. When my exfiance met me she said she new she needed to meet a nice guy (after the two terrible marriages she  had). One of her former co-workers said she couldn't get a good reason for why she broke up with me, just that she needed someone with more "backbone." Another one told me that she started going to lunch more often with this guy and he started to suspect that something was up then. I suspect that's just the mirroring that she meets someone and then idealizes them. Like so many of these relationships, it just boggles the mind. I just know I won't go near her again with a 300-ft pole. I just don't know who she really is from moment to the next.

[FallBack!Monster]

How did you react when you found out who your replacement was?

Thank god that I never knew who it was. and I can care less who is in place now. Just let it be.  But if I found out, I probably would not feel anything since I know what she's all about.  She's says she's looking to be happy... .Translation-->Looking for someone to gimme gimme gimme, and put up with all my crap until I'm ready to dump him or her.

[Rayban]

How did you react when you found out who your replacement was?

Thank god that I never knew who it was. and I can care less who is in place now. Just let it be.  But if I found out, I probably would not feel anything since I know what she's all about.  She's says she's looking to be happy... .Translation-->Looking for someone to gimme gimme gimme, and put up with all my crap until I'm ready to dump him or her.

That's exactly how I feel. I was her number one, because I was willing to ignore all the red flags she presented. Most other guys who gave her any attention, would sleep with her, only to dump her, the moment they realized something wasn't right. This is not to mention all the guys who recognize all the signs, and realize this is somebody they could easily coheres into sex. Most know not to get involved, and disappear after having sex with her and dump her.

It doesn't matter to her. She's been doing this for 12 years. She knows some will come and go. Others will stick by her, making them seem abusable in her eyes.  Deep down she feels unworthy, unlovable, so any guy who tries to love her, is seen as a person she has to push away. I know she could not be alone, even for one night. There are people, friends, acquaintances, people she meets at work, out shopping, or any other activity that she carefully plans, to be able to meet men and sometimes woman, who will offer her the validation she so desperately needs. 

She sees no wrong with this. Always blaming the other for relationships that never work out. She is enabled, never allowed to hit rock bottom. Her reality is what she makes it out to be. Mechanisms kick in, and she convinces herself, that she is just unlucky at love. Her ex'es are just a bunch of A*holes, out to harm and abuse her. She needs the victim role. It just helps her find more white knights. In the meantime, there are a variety of people waiting in line for another go at a few moments of bliss, consciously knowing that the fall will be 10 times worse.

[findingmyselfagain]

It's hard to differentiate between the general state of shock and trauma and the shock of then finding out about the guy. When she officially broke up she made it sound like she needed time to work on herself and that we would meet for lunch in about a month to talk. SHe sounded like a reasonable adult. So I wasn't ready to disengage because I still felt like we had a chance and maybe something worthwhile was there. *BUT* it then happened so fast that she went out with the other guy I was angry because it was like she had so little respect for our engagement. Then again, she was talking to me less than a month after her divorce was final on her second husband. Red flags much? She posted a couples photo of them on Valentine's... .just about 3 months after we broke off the engagement. That was about the worst feeling, just a slap in the face.

I wasted quite a bit of time trying to figure things out. I found out second-hand that they lasted about 2 years... .which was pretty long for her. One of her co-workers says they were talking about getting married. How insane can you get? I know now I was with someone who is just terrible at relationships. It has to be a sad life.

[FallBack!Monster]

How did you react when you found out who your replacement was?

Thank god that I never knew who it was. and I can care less who is in place now. Just let it be.  But if I found out, I probably would not feel anything since I know what she's all about.  She's says she's looking to be happy... .Translation-->Looking for someone to gimme gimme gimme, and put up with all my crap until I'm ready to dump him or her.

That's exactly how I feel. I was her number one, because I was willing to ignore all the red flags she presented. Most other guys who gave her any attention, would sleep with her, only to dump her, the moment they realized something wasn't right. This is not to mention all the guys who recognize all the signs, and realize this is somebody they could easily coheres into sex. Most know not to get involved, and disappear after having sex with her and dump her.

It doesn't matter to her. She's been doing this for 12 years. She knows some will come and go. Others will stick by her, making them seem abusable in her eyes.  Deep down she feels unworthy, unlovable, so any guy who tries to love her, is seen as a person she has to push away. I know she could not be alone, even for one night. There are people, friends, acquaintances, people she meets at work, out shopping, or any other activity that she carefully plans, to be able to meet men and sometimes woman, who will offer her the validation she so desperately needs. 

She sees no wrong with this. Always blaming the other for relationships that never work out. She is enabled, never allowed to hit rock bottom. Her reality is what she makes it out to be. Mechanisms kick in, and she convinces herself, that she is just unlucky at love. Her ex'es are just a bunch of A*holes, out to harm and abuse her. She needs the victim role. It just helps her find more white knights. In the meantime, there are a variety of people waiting in line for another go at a few moments of bliss, consciously knowing that the fall will be 10 times worse.

I'm not even going to lie... .while i was reading what you wrote, i had mixed emotions.  I couldn't find a steady one though.  Ultimately, once I read the last line, I chuckled.