Acceptance

[Wize]

Acceptance is something I want.  You have to want it to have it.  I think that's what I struggle with.  If acceptance means letting go of my pwBPD then it's not something I really want.  But I want to accept what's true and real.  I want to accept reality, and that's difficult to do because this pwBPD has taken my reality and shaken it.  My pwBPD has a distorted view of reality and I believe my reality has become distorted as well by association. 

Acceptance means accepting what is real and true.  So what's real and true in regards to my pwBPD? My perception of her is skewed and I don't know what's real and true with her.  Did she love me, was I her friend, does she no longer love me, is our relationship truly over, can she change, will she change, will she see me for who I am?  These are all questions I need answered before acceptance can take hold.

I know acceptance is a process that coincides with the knowledge of what actually is real. Everything I thought I knew about people my pwBPD proved wrong.  I always thought that what you see it what you get.  I always prided myself with how well I could read people and ascertain the quality of their character.  But my pwBPD had me totally fooled.  Now I have to accept that I'm not such a good judge of character.  I have to accept that I was fooled.  I have to accept that there are people out there with mental illnesses that allow them to manipulate and deceive even the most observant and intelligent people. 

I want to accept, but right now I'm having to learn what exactly I'm accepting.   

[JerryRG]

Good post Wize

I struggle with acceptance as well and believe it is due to my foo issues and my ex being BPD. Difficult to accept that which makes no rational sense and everyone experiences random difficulties in life and that's just the way things are.

My exgf is/was irrational and I have to accept I will never understand her mind or her choices, I'm thankful for this fact.

AA, We must "accept life on life's terms" or fight for control and make ourselves miserable in the process.

Simple concept to grasp but never easy to practice.

Keep moving forward Dontknow88

Thanks for this post

[woundedPhoenix]

I want to accept, but right now I'm having to learn what exactly I'm accepting.   

Yeah, you can't let go of something that has no constistent mental "shape".

Problem is, it's a bit like trying to complete a 4 Dimensional Puzzle, there are a lot of angles you can look at and not all pieces seem to fit,some things will always remain contradictory.

I think it's a good idea to accept a compromise when you are working towards acceptance.

Going for a 100% accurate view of what happened will never be possible, are we forcing ourselves to be perfectionists trying to get as close as possible, or can we be content with a compromise?

Where we say... .We figured MOST of it out, enough to draw our own broad conclusions and live with it.

Our BPDexes ofcourse have the luxury of black and white thinking which makes that puzzle so much simpler but oh so wrong, why can't we allow ourselves to be even a slight bit wrong too?

[JerryRG]

Great point woundedPhoenix

PwBPD are 4 demensional and we live in a 3 demensional world yet they view and deal with life in 2 demensions, black and white.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Wize,

I commend you for diving into the acceptance phase. Even if you don't feel quite ready, it's a good move to put your toes in.

Acceptance as I understand it has a present time focus. Narrow everything down to what is happening now. For example:

• You and your ex are not together like you were before
• You don't know how she feels about you
  
• You feel hurt and betrayed
  

And so on. There is no way to know what the future will bring, regarding what your ex will do, so waiting until you have an "answer" about that is setting yourself up to fail, imo. Keep focused on the facts of your current situation and see if you can accept them. It doesn't mean you won't act to make changes, or have to forgive, or won't hurt anymore. It's about facing what is right in front of you so that you can process it and grow and change.

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Did she love me, was I her friend, does she no longer love me, is our relationship truly over, can she change, will she change, will she see me for who I am?  These are all questions I need answered before acceptance can take hold.

Hey Wize, I suggest you accept that the answers to these questions are largely out of your control.  Instead, I would focus on what is within your control: you!  Start with self-acceptance and self-love.  Let go of what she thinks and feels, because you'll never know for sure.  That's OK, because you can't change it anyway, right?  Perhaps you could consult the Serenity Prayer?

LuckyJim

[william3693]

I think the difficult thing about acceptance is that it is not static it is something I move in and out of.

With me a lot of it is mood dependent.The better my mood the more acceptance the worse my
mood the less acceptance.

Progress is not linear.I do not know what it is but I know it is not linear.

I think when we have true acceptance we will know it if we do not know
it we probably do not have it.I still do not know.

I have found that sometimes focus on what she does not say gives me more information
than focus on what she does say.Focus on behavior is also good.

Focus on self is best.

[JQ]

Hello Wize,

You have experienced some life changing events from being in a r/s with someone who has BPD and it's made you question yourself, your choices, your decisions, and what you hold true to your heart.  Know that you're not alone as some of the group has given you some good guidance.

You are most likely a perfectionist like a lot of the group here.  JerryRG says, "My exif is/was irrational and I have to accept I will never understand her mind or her choices, I'm thankful for this fact."  He has accepted that he cannot nor will ever understand the mind or the behavior of someone who has a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness.  Somethings are beyond our control Wize, take a deep breath and accept it. Repeat if you must, "Beyond My Control".

Wounded Phoenix points out, "I think it's a good idea to accept a compromise when you are working towards acceptance. Going for a 100% accurate view of what happened will never be possible, are we forcing ourselves to be perfectionists trying to get as close as possible, or can we be content with a compromise?"     In life no one gets everything they want regardless of money or status or power they have. Life is full of compromise, this is a very tough concept for some to accept including myself at one time and I have to remind myself constantly.  Like the rest of us, you need to NOT be so hard on yourself. Quit trying to be perfect and accept that some things are out of your control no matter how hard you work or want it.

Lucky Jim points out a really good point, "the answers to these questions are largely out of your control.  Instead, I would focus on what is within your control: you!" "Start with self-acceptance and self-love.  Let go of what she thinks and feels"    As LJ points out, the ONLY thing YOU are in control of is YOU & YOUR actions or reactions.  He echo's what the other have said, acceptance of things you can control. You have to do a lot of self love, sounds corny but it's true.  We can tell that you are a very smart, articulate and caring person. Just part of your total package of Wize. 

And William points out a really good point, "Acceptance is NOT linear", but then again what is in life.  It's a tough long journey coming out of a BPD r/s and your path is full of pot holes and things to trip you up. You will stumble and you will fall on your journey, like ALL of us have on our own exit journey from our BPD r/s. But the group has your back and we'll be here for you when you need it with a helping hand up. We'll dust you off, straighten you up then it's up to you to continue your journey and what path to take.

Without question we all would recommend a good therapist who is an expert in codependent & BPD r/s. This is just one of the very important key's to your journey.  You can't control anyone in life, much less someone with a serious Cluster B Mental Illness. Many have tried including many highly educated people with initials after their name and have failed.  I like most here thought if I showed her my love, caring, willingness to help, listen, and support her, that I would triumph over the mental illness.

It was my uneducated arrogance that helped me believe that. Once I sought out my own T X 2, read multiple books, counseling, this sight, research the Cluster B mental illness I learned that BPD is very much beyond my ability to help with much less control. Who would want to control their r/s, spouse, significant other anyway?  I learned to really, REALLY concentrate on myself.

I learned to live my life for ME and not for anyone else. My happiness came back, I'm told my "swagger" came back    I became happier, I enjoyed the small things in life. I just enjoyed life. Once I did that, people noticed & women noticed my confidence was back. I was someone they wanted to get to know better and I them. I still have my moments without question. I continue to watch the video's below, but as each day passes life gets better ... .it always gets better Wize.

The 5 Stages of Acceptance ... .with a sense of humor to make you laugh. Remember, people like to be around others who make them smile and laugh. "Stupid quick sand" 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY


Life happens ... ."The Moped Diaries" is a 10 minute short flick that shows this ... ."Sometime people leave, sometimes unexpectedly, take a deep breath, morn the loss ... .and start living again". 

This one a buddy sent me ... .and I will admit that I watch it several times a week ... .

 "Life isn't easy ... .going to kick you down and hope that you don't get up". "You're not defined by your past experiences only guided by them".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg


Take a deep breath Wize ... .you got this ... .and we got your back!

J

[joeramabeme]

Acceptance is something I want.  You have to want it to have it.  I think that's what I struggle with.  If acceptance means letting go of my pwBPD then it's not something I really want.  But I want to accept what's true and real.  I want to accept reality, and that's difficult to do because this pwBPD has taken my reality and shaken it.  My pwBPD has a distorted view of reality and I believe my reality has become distorted as well by association.

Hi Wize, great and honest post.

Let's face it, I dont think there are too many of us here who were good at acceptance when we arrived.  We fought, struggled, denied and tried to push our barriers beyond the breaking points.  My point being being is that we grow into acceptance, which as others have pointed out, is not really a linear process.

Acceptance means accepting what is real and true.  So what's real and true in regards to my pwBPD? My perception of her is skewed and I don't know what's real and true with her.  Did she love me, was I her friend, does she no longer love me, is our relationship truly over, can she change, will she change, will she see me for who I am?  These are all questions I need answered before acceptance can take hold.

I read these questions as follows; if I am accepting the past, then what is it that I just passed through that I am accepting.  LOL, it is so undefinable that our minds bend.  We remember as if it was a warm day but there were icicles and snow everywhere and yet the forecast was 80 degrees in July and I had to shovel the driveway, huh!  How can that be?  Our past experience, logic and instinctive minds are turned inside out. So how do I accept that it snows when it is 80 degrees outside, can't be.

Fortunately, I think there are answers for all of us and the more we learn, understand and integrate the more at peace we can become with our experience.  I have needed to keep digging to fill the void of conflicted confusion in order to comfortably let go.  It has happened in pieces for me.  Some of the readings just did not seem to fit my situation but as more time has passed the pieces have fit together more conclusively and I have felt more at peace.   The world really is round, even if everything you have just been through indicates it is not.

I know acceptance is a process that coincides with the knowledge of what actually is real. Everything I thought I knew about people my pwBPD proved wrong.  I always thought that what you see it what you get.  I always prided myself with how well I could read people and ascertain the quality of their character.  But my pwBPD had me totally fooled.  Now I have to accept that I'm not such a good judge of character.  I have to accept that I was fooled.  I have to accept that there are people out there with mental illnesses that allow them to manipulate and deceive even the most observant and intelligent people. 

I want to accept, but right now I'm having to learn what exactly I'm accepting.   

Hmm, First you are a good judge of character.  Life is full of anomalies, not that I want to classify pwBPD as such, rather, just that not everything is always the way we would expect. 

I don't see it as "I was fooled".  She really believes everything she says is true, she knows no different.  Being fooled would imply that she knew the difference between right and wrong and chose one path over another.  Yes, I know that some of their behaviors are very intentional, that is not my reference.  Rather, the bigger picture and how a pwBPD actions and ways of being in the world are not a choice; it is a PERSONALITY disorder.  They are the disorder and the disorder is them.  Really hard to get this point fully into your soul. 

I know my ex loves me from the depth of her toes.  I also believe that when she cycled through our relationship she just saw it as a "this is the way life is" type of event and moved on.  It is all she knows.  It is how she manages the world around her - I can't judge her for it, and I certainly can't understand it other than through the framework of BPD.

A T told me (and a mutual friend unsolicited also said) that my ex is "shallow".  Not in the vain way, rather, she is incapable of having feelings in the way you and I hold them.  Yes, she felt the pain, but she can compartmentalize and move on as if nothing happened; part of the disorder.  You were not fooled.

I really like the following saying; "crazy people think they are tricking others into believing they are nuts".  They are the only ones who don't see that they really are.

Best, JRB

[Wize]

Well, I want to thank everyone who has commented in this thread.  I really can't even say how much your words help me.  I've spent so much time on this site over the past 2 months just trying to figure out wth happened to me.  Since I was a little child I've survived by thinking and understanding my way to safety and protection. So to have my most tried and true defense mechanism fall apart in front of my face, it's left me lost. I don't feel like a 43 year old man, I feel like a 5 year old child searching for his mother. I f#$king want to hate my ex so much.

My heart is broken. The days seem to be getting harder for me and more painful. I saved all my tears until I got home today because yesterday a client walked in on me crying. My feelings towards my pwBPD are becoming increasingly conflicted with a painful mix of hostility and love.  I'm dealing with lawyers and paperwork and deadlines and court dates and a very impersonal legal system.  My pwBPD exwife is right as home as a lawyer herself.  It just sucks.

Crying makes me feel a little better and exercise is good too.  I know eventually I'll get back on my feet.  I don't know when.  I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other because honestly, that's all I know how to do right now. 

They are the disorder and the disorder is them.  Really hard to get this point fully into your soul. 

I know my ex loves me from the depth of her toes.  I also believe that when she cycled through our relationship she just saw it as a "this is the way life is" type of event and moved on.  It is all she knows.  It is how she manages the world around her - I can't judge her for it, and I certainly can't understand it other than through the framework of BPD.

A T told me (and a mutual friend unsolicited also said) that my ex is "shallow".  Not in the vain way, rather, she is incapable of having feelings in the way you and I hold them.  Yes, she felt the pain, but she can compartmentalize and move on as if nothing happened; part of the disorder.  You were not fooled.

I really like the following saying; "crazy people think they are tricking others into believing they are nuts".  They are the only ones who don't see that they really are.

Best, JRB

These paragraphs, especially the bolded lines resonate so strongly with me that it hurts.  But it also feels good to know that someone out there in the world knows exactly what I'm feeling and what I've gone through.

[Rickybee]

Great thread, yet another post I can completely relate to

[Wize]

I have become a big fan of Joanna Nicola over the past couple of months.  Her writing style and analysis really connects with me.  I've posted this link before and I'm not sure how admin feels about posting content not originated from this site but I find her stuff so valuable and I think it can help others here. Yes, this article is gender specific and I think she does that for the sake of brevity not because she believes that BPD is gender specific.

www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/women-spectrum-BPD-really-love/