8.5 hours NC

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Would anyone laugh at me if I said 8.5 hours NC. Please don't. For me it seems like a long time. We spent most of our waking hours together and when apart texted constantly. I know it's usual to see it start with 1 day NC but am trying to do it. This break up is big, I told him something he had told me about weeks ago but that I had buried my head in the sand about. Something that would always have been a deal breaker for me which is why I shamefully kept quiet. He of course denied doing it and also denied telling me, but I know it's true. Give me strength to deal with this pain and also the pain of acknowledgment. X

[Sadly]

Would anyone laugh at me if I said 8.5 hours NC. Please don't. For me it seems like a long time. We spent most of our waking hours together and when apart texted constantly. I know it's usual to see it start with 1 day NC but am trying to do it. This break up is big, I told him something he had told me about weeks ago but that I had buried my head in the sand about. Something that would always have been a deal breaker for me which is why I shamefully kept quiet. He of course denied doing it and also denied telling me, but I know it's true. Give me strength to deal with this pain and also the pain of acknowledgment. X

[Indifferent28]

The first day my ex and i had no contact, it was like a hall mark for me.
In a bad way.

A week, another hall mark. Now, months go by without physically seeing each other or speaking.

I can't tell you 8.5 hours is pathetic, or that it will "get easier".
I can tell you that sadly, for most people like me when dealing with a BPD ex, it doesn't get easier.
No talking and them forgetting we exist, is the norm.
Out of sight is out of mind to them.

Big difference between things getting easier and becoming the norm for you where it isn't unusual to expect NC.
Good luck with this.

[Sadly]

Oh, right, thank you.

[Indifferent28]

Sorry if that came off harsh, definitely didn't mean it harsh.
I meant it is very hard to sit there and wait. But their mind is not processing it the same way as you are.

It hurts to hear, but sometimes when i miss her, i repeat that to myself.
Maybe you should just remind yourself of it at times when you're having a hard time, because it appears thats the only way to move on sometimes.

Even then, i wouldn't consider it moving on.
More or less, we force ourselves to act like we've forgotten because we feel/they probably feel, they already have.

[Meili]

8.5 hours is not pathetic! We all gotta start somewhere. Geez, I haven't even gone 8.5 hours of NC with my x since I got involved in it all this last time. It's only 3.25 for me, but we all have to start somewhere! 

[Sadly]

Thank you Indi, I guess I know what you are saying and I'm fairly sure he doesn't feel it the same way although I know he will miss some of our lovely shared things, he did last time. It still won't change anything though, no magical cure.
thank you too Meili, I hate there are others sitting feeling like I do right now even though I am glad you understand. It's all such a muddle. I read about taking care of myself, learning to love myself but I don't know who I am. Me is missing, altered, strange, lost.

[StayStrongNow]

This is great Sadly, way to go, good for you. Now try make it to the big 10 hours. You can do this I am rooting for you.

[StayStrongNow]

While you are starting your new journey and if you have some time please check out this article.


Borderline Relationship Evolves
 
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[Sadly]

Thank you. Am going to read it before I try and sleep    x

[balletomane]

8.5 hours isn't pathetic at all! My ex and I used to text and IM each other throughout the day, so the first few hours and days of NC were excruciating - it was like there was a hole in the centre of my life and I was wandering helplessly round the edge, trying not to fall into the terrible empty space where he had been. I felt lost, because contact with him had been such a big part of my life.

It did get easier for me. The pain didn't evaporate, because it takes time to heal from the emotional equivalent of third-degree burns. But it's much easier to heal from them when you aren't sticking your limbs back in the fire on a regular basis.

All best wishes to you. I hope this is the start of good, positive, healing change.

[Lilyroze]

  Sadly,
Just wanted to pop in to say, you took the first steps towards your healing. Good job. It is not the hours, it is the mission, and it has begun.

How do you feel about it now?

Is there some small goals  you have in mind, or hobbies maybe that you can accomplish along with your healing? Do you exercise or go for walks or perhaps runs?

All things are difficult before they are easy. – Thomas Fuller So it will get easier with time.

It is truly hard to fly when something is weighing us down. So when you feel sad or down try reading something that you want to learn, or maybe watch something funny, find gratitude in the day.

My thoughts some complain the glass is half full, some it is half empty. Be happy you have a glass, and it is filled with something. So for now be happy with any of the things you have in your life that have brought you joy. Finding the joy will help you find more of it.

What are your core values and how do they play into you detaching or going NC?

I am glad you could post here and get support, I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Self love, self respect and self worth. There is a reason why they all start with self.  Be true to yourself which ever path that takes you go towards it with healing.

May you find some peace and joy in the day.

[Sadly]

Thanks Balletomane and Lilyroze
Well in 2 hours it will be 24 hrs NC and it feels like 24 years. That black hole you circulate, I feel like I am being dragged into it. I am trying to be busy. I have more unpacking in new house to do, stuff in garden and I make unique o e off baby clothes so could do that. I also need to find a job S my money won't last for ever. Trouble is I struggling to make any effort at all, everything is swamped by this huge blackness and loss. The one thing I won't miss is peas! Bloody peas with every meal. 2 years of diddy little green balls. Even in spaghetti bolognaise! I used to quite like peas.

[Tallie]

Hi Sadly, I'm at 13 weeks NC and while I still have moments where I feel bad, the gap between those moments grows longer... .I gained a lot of insight from these boards and only made my first post a few days ago, when I felt I was going crazy. I can understand what you say about being unable to do anything.

The community here is amazing and the support and guidance is priceless.

You're posting on day 1 of NC so I think you'll be better equipped than I was and I made it this far. The FOG will lift. Stay strong and focus on you for now. It works.

[Sadly]

Thanks Tallie, you sound very brave. I have been posting here since 2014, which actually shows how little progress I have made

[Sadly]

God help me. Just almost been brought to my knees in he middle of town. Been trying to concentrate on antiques, baby clothing materials, anything to keep my mind busy. Got swept by intense over riding memories and grief. Couldn't breathe. Have managed to order coffee and sat outside a cafe, tears dripping everywhere, trying to keep my head down, please God no one notices and is kind to me. This is not a good start. Am so bloody lost and lonely

[asphyx]

God help me. Just almost been brought to my knees in he middle of town. Been trying to concentrate on antiques, baby clothing materials, anything to keep my mind busy. Got swept by intense over riding memories and grief. Couldn't breathe. Have managed to order coffee and sat outside a cafe, tears dripping everywhere, trying to keep my head down, please God no one notices and is kind to me. This is not a good start. Am so bloody lost and lonely

I was an absolute mess for a couple weeks after I broke up with my exBPD. It literally felt like I had lost a part of myself. It's been just over a month since we broke up and it's gradually getting easier. I'm still having trouble accepting that the fantasy she created will never eventuate, and I'm jealous that her new douchebag replacement is experiencing the 'good side' of her.

I still miss her company very much, but I am starting to notice the positives of breaking up. I no longer have to constantly walk on eggshells or worry about her emotional states, her impulsive spending, her drama, her abuse, her cheating, her lies, her neediness, her threats, etc. I can finally live life freely, and do the things that I want to. I currently have no relationship prospects, so I do feel lonely most of the time, but I know that if I expend as much energy as I did on my exBPD into improving myself instead, then I will eventually find a new (healthy) girl to have a relationship with.

Perhaps you can write a list of all the negatives of your BPD relationship, and the positives of breaking up from the relationship. Whenever you are feeling particularly weak, you can look at the list. I found that venting on this forum and reading similar stories from other people helped ease the pain. Knowing that you are not alone can be validating.

Also don't be too hard on yourself for 8.5 hours NC... .you have to start somewhere! And from my experience, the first week is definitely the hardest.

[Sadly]

Thank you so much for answering. I have managed to get back to car but need to sit here for a while. Hate this weakness so much. Still not breathing properly. I want to curl up in a little ball but I can't. I need to get home. So sorry. Scared.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thinking of you, Sadly, and hoping you made it home okay.  I am sorry this is so hard.  These can be really, really hard break-ups. 

Hate this weakness so much.

I can understand it feels like weakness.  I certainly felt that way for a long time (in addition to feeling like I'd been brainwashed). 

The truth, however, is that what you are doing, requires great STRENGTH.  So the fact that you are doing it is evidence of how strong you are.  This is not for the faint of heart.  You are strong. 

So please do not confuse your feeling and your withdrawal experience with weakness.  You are demonstrating strength of the highest magnitude!

Keep doing what you are doing. 

XOXO
RML

[Sadly]

Thank you RML for your kind words and strength.  I got home eventually and curled up. Have made appointment for doctor in morning. Cannot be having public attacks. Am such a mass of mess. Can't speak much but look here constantly for help. Xx 

[StayStrongNow]

Hey Sadly, I know I am not alone but I think people are reading and relating. Some time seconds seem like minutes, minutes seem like hours, etc.
Most of my friends used to call me seeing how I was doing, unless I call the phone is dead from them.
Then I will get an occasional call from my stbxBPDw and of course won't answer I am trying to have NC except for the kids and that is painful.
I vacillate also, she found a new rescuer, good great, she will marry him soon, good great no future alimony but then the heart that has been broken is still in this nightmare of hurt, not good not great. And thoughts go round and round... .

[Lilyroze]

God help me. Just almost been brought to my knees in he middle of town. Been trying to concentrate on antiques, baby clothing materials, anything to keep my mind busy. Got swept by intense over riding memories and grief. Couldn't breathe. Have managed to order coffee and sat outside a cafe, tears dripping everywhere, trying to keep my head down, please God no one notices and is kind to me. This is not a good start. Am so bloody lost and lonely

Hugs, have been there truly. But my Dear come on antiques, and baby clothing... .OH my simply favourites. Enjoy those as you stroll, you can't get this moment back. Did I say I love antiques?  Enjoy your coffee. Keep your head high, your heels high and standards even higher. You are worthy.

[Sadly]

I really don't know how to thank you all for being here.
Yes SSN people can and do relate but at night at home in my empty dining room, my sofa far too big for one person, my double bed that seems to insist I sleep on my side even though I determine to start out in the middle, these are the times when loneliness hits hard. When the thoughts go round and round. So sorry there are children involved, must be so hard.     for you, even though you can't feel them. xx

And thanks Lilyroze. It's hard because antiques were OUR thing, don't think that was a good plan yet. Baby clothes, he wasn't interested

[Meili]

I know what you mean about the empty space. I struggle with that also. My T keeps promising me that is a great opportunity and I should embrace it rather than run from it.

It is during those times, when everything is quiet that we can truly be with our thoughts and feelings. We can take it as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves than we could any other time. Being free of distractions allows us to actually spend time with the most important person in your world; yourself.

We can turn off all the TVs, music, Internet, phones, and just sit with and learn to love ourselves again. I tried it. It was amazing how well it worked.

I hope that you can find some comfort in your silence.

[StayStrongNow]

Oh Sadly my heart goes out to you, I remember those nights of being alone and I can relate.

I really do not know if I should say this, I truly don't want you to hurt more by what I post but I have the children with me every night. I have full custody. But I do know how lonely it is being alone with all this nightmarish stuff going on. I had to endure many cold, dark months of it.

It was especially tough getting frantic calls from my 9 year old daughter crying "daddy please come and get us, mommy is that way again" and then hear the   stbxBPD yelling at them and then a hang up. And nothing I could do about it then and lay awake in misery that I could not protect my children I love so much.

Everybody here is pulling for you Sadly, everybody cares.

[Sadly]

Oh SSN, I am truly truly happy for you and for your children and so glad you told me that. At least now some of my tears are of happiness for you, that's so good. I am going to bed now, it's 10.30 in Uk. I will try and do as Meili suggests and think of me. Will let my little cat sleep with me tonight for comfort. Night night all of my friends here, sweet dreams to you all. Xx

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Sweet dreams, Sadly.  When you wake up you will have completed the day of NC which is BIG TIME VICTORY, indeed!

Proud of you.  I do 'the have to like NC.  I don't have to want to do it.  I don't even have to believe it will work.  I just have to do it. 

No criticism, analysis or judgement of the way you feel in the midst of NC.  Just keep on doing it.  Behavior first and feelings follow (sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly) but we gotta DO first.

Just like riding a bike.  The only way to know how it feels to ride it is to first do it.

You're kick get a$s!

XOXO
RML