How long was it before you were replaced?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

@mars22... .funny that... same here... .i bought her a cat as we both agreed it could help her depression and teach her how to love something... .she then proceeded to be obsessed with the cat talking to it like a baby and following it around are apartment all night every night, felt like she didnt need me anymore and i was just in the way... .same prior to the cat... i spent lots of money on nice fish and a fish tank for her... she would talk to the fish all night tapping the glass like a crazy lady... she absolutely loved them... .i came back from work one day and the fish and tank were gone... .i asked where they ad gone and she acted sheepish and wouldnt look me in the eye... .i said  "you flushed them down the toilet didnt you? why?" she just looked at me with a mischevious evil smirk and would never answer the question... and that was that... yet another confusing situation where she just would not give me an answer and i had to just move forward confused and let it go knowing that something very strange was going on here... .red flags red flags... .so many... .she still has the cat, my replacement moved into our apartment i had just renovated... i left... .its like in a heart beat he became me and she carried on as normal... i ment nothing to her... .i could go on forever about the red flags... .thousands of them... .yet i stayed... .she had got me hooked and made me feel sorry for her

[Rickybee]

@mars22... .funny that... same here... .i bought her a cat as we both agreed it could help her depression and teach her how to love something... .she then proceeded to be obsessed with the cat talking to it like a baby and following it around are apartment all night every night, felt like she didnt need me anymore and i was just in the way... .same prior to the cat... i spent lots of money on nice fish and a fish tank for her... she would talk to the fish all night tapping the glass like a crazy lady... she absolutely loved them... .i came back from work one day and the fish and tank were gone... .i asked where they ad gone and she acted sheepish and wouldnt look me in the eye... .i said  "you flushed them down the toilet didnt you? why?" she just looked at me with a mischevious evil smirk and would never answer the question... and that was that... yet another confusing situation where she just would not give me an answer and i had to just move forward confused and let it go knowing that something very strange was going on here... .red flags red flags... .so many... .she still has the cat, my replacement moved into our apartment i had just renovated... i left... .its like in a heart beat he became me and she carried on as normal... i ment nothing to her... .i could go on forever about the red flags... .thousands of them... .yet i stayed... .she had got me hooked and made me feel sorry for her

[Raspberry]

Within a few weeks!

[JRT]

Well, I was perpetually in replacement the entire r/s... with her Cat! 

But honestly, my entire r/s I was being triangulated with her best friend from HS. Anything *we* did was always in committee with her best friend. In essence I feel like I had r/s with both my pwBPD and her bFF. Instead of talking with me about OUR issues, she would go to her BFF first, get validation and then I was judged and accused by both of them. So unhealthy. 

So, having validation the entire r/s from her BFF made her discard easy for her. I feel like I dated a girl that is still High School.

, child and yeas, even a pet.

Exactly: a replacement need not necessarily be a romantic one... .it could be a family member, friend

[StayStrongNow]

They are in a perennial state of obtaining insurance you won't leave until they want you to.

Interesting... .indeed, I think that one of the most mind-boggling thing we experience is NOT the replacement per se... .that can happen even between normal people.

NO, it is the WAY they discard you, where they usually lack the most basic human decency and empathy - after having said you every day "you are the love of my life", "you are my soulmate", etc., even for YEARS, until the horrible dismissal.

And the way they treat you afterwards, like a piece of trash that never existed... .wow.

These are the things that hurted us the most I think, much more than the replacement in itself.
It is really a horrible mental illness... .

Hey Fr4nz, you posted a description of my stbxBPDw exactly.

I had a stack of those "I will always love you forever" cards 2 inches think that I burned shortly after her filing for divorce.

I just don't feel like texting about her, but I will proudly state I told her she must have NC with me unless it strictly pertains to the kids. Sad side I am stuck with this mental illness from her and her mother for a long long time. I expect the drama to continue, I must disengage.

[Herodias]

Funny, I got the "you were a big part of my life, I will always love you" too! I also got the "you will always be apart of our life" from the Mother! The apple doesn't fall too far from the cart. I think they mean that you will be a memory in their history, duh! They don't even want to remember, because they would have to remember how horrible they were. His own Mother said she only wants to remember the good and can't deal with the bad. They can compartmentalize. I wish I could... .I still feel traumatized. I am trying to put myself in the mind set that he was horrible and I wanted out... .I still feel dumped though. That's the problem. It still feels like I made a huge mistake getting with him in the first place. I still don't trust anyone.

[kc sunshine]

Wow, the percentages still are staggering-- 90% found new people in a month! Do you think they have the right idea? What are the pros and cons of moving on like this, do you think? Barring the ups and downs of BPD, my in-a-new-relationship ex certainly seems much happier than me in the transition!

[seenr]

I fear I am about to be replaced.

2.5 months.

Constant changing of times to see son, looks like someone new is on the scene.

Gutted.

[Dutched]

Although the word “replacement” is commonly used and I fully understand why it is used, I have to object.
I can’t be replaced…  as I am a unique person. 
I suggest it is replacing the once love object for a new love object or love attachment   

As JRT most accurate wrote, A replacement need not necessarily be a romantic one, a pet will do.
Accurate.
A daughter will do, seen it, as scapegoat for their pain, as rescuer to drag ex out of the gutter.
A son, who didn’t comply to exs wishes became the punished object (because he stayed with me), so not attending twice (2x) at his graduation.
Then the ‘replacement’…  after a 18 months, that after a 30+ yrs r/s. 
Generally and common is 1 month for every yr., so in this case 1 yr. for every 10 yrs of r/s, so 36 months.

We know pwBPD do not grieve like us.
PwBPD suppresses their pain and yes, their deep and deep shame of their action, as confronting their pain, their grieve and intense shame will cause so much, much more intense pain and grieve.


(don’t be confused with pain, grieve expressed during an outburst, that is towards the attachment, the love object, that is the hurt child expressing itself)
 
That leaves PwBPD with no other choice (although it is not a choice for them(!) than to search for a new attachment, to bond with a new love object, as pwBPD deeply craves for love.
 
Remind us, we are the bad object, we are seen as the persecutor that caused their action on that moment!
Please keep that in mind for your own path of detachment.
Doing so, I suggest NOT to move on…, INSTEAD move forward…. 
   
Kc Sunshine

Don’t forget BPD is a spectrum disorder, many of the exes as described on the Board are lower functioning,
Most of the relationships didn’t last a 5 yrs. (can’t find that poll, may you can)

I think your question about the pos and cons of moving on like this, is answered too.
There is no pro, there is no con for pwBPD, it is a necessity to survive.
A 4yr old that is abused will still ‘love’ their parents… out of survival… and will therefore suppress the pain, to switch emotions off.

Further all their pain and angriness accumulated during life will be part of the package the new attachment ( replacement) will get to cope with.
For pwBPD each painful memory becomes a reference and reminder that triggers their coping mechanism in order to survive.

The broken attachment is within themselves; not with you.
By leaving you first... .pwBPD are controlling the demolition.
Control trumps their fear.
Often a sense of control is all that is keeping them from losing it completely

[Dutched]

Although the word “replacement” is commonly used and I fully understand why it is used, I have to object.
I can’t be replaced…  as I am an unique person.
I suggest it is replacing the once love object for a new love object or love attachment   

As JRT most accurate wrote, A replacement need not necessarily be a romantic one, a pet will do.
Accurate.
A daughter will do, seen it, as scapegoat for their pain, as rescuer to drag ex out of the gutter.
A son, who didn’t comply to exs wishes became the punished object (because he stayed with me), so not attending twice (2x) at his graduation.
Then the ‘replacement’…  after a 18 months, that after a 30+ yrs r/s. 
Generally and common is 1 month for every yr., so in this case 1 yr. for every 10 yrs of r/s, so 36 months.

We know pwBPD do not grieve like us.
PwBPD suppresses their pain and yes, their deep and deep shame of their action, as confronting their pain, their grieve and intense shame will cause so much, much more intense pain and grieve.

(don’t be confused with pain, grieve expressed during an outburst, that is towards the attachment, the love object, that is the hurt child expressing itself)
 
That leaves PwBPD with no other choice (although it is not a choice for them(!) than to search for a new attachment, to bond with a new love object, as pwBPD deeply craves for love.
 
Remind us, we are the bad object, we are seen as the persecutor that caused their action on that moment!
Please keep that in mind for your own path of detachment.
Doing so, I suggest NOT to move on…, INSTEAD move forward…. 
   
Kc Sunshine
Don’t forget BPD is a spectrum disorder, many of the exes as described on the Board are lower functioning,
Most of the relationships didn’t last a 5 yrs. (can’t find that poll, may you can)

I think your question about the pos and cons of moving on like this, is answered too.
There is no pro, there is no con for pwBPD, it is a necessity to survive.
A 4yr old that is abused will still ‘love’ their parents… out of survival… and will therefore suppress the pain, to switch emotions off.

Further all their pain and angriness accumulated during life will be part of the package the new attachment ( replacement) will get to cope with.
For pwBPD each painful memory becomes a reference and reminder that triggers their coping mechanism in order to survive.

The broken attachment is within themselves; not with you.
By leaving you first... .pwBPD are controlling the demolition.
Control trumps their fear.
Often a sense of control is all that is keeping them from losing it completely

[bunny4523]

I don't know because I never cared to ask or find out BUT I do know that he was on the hunt to get me before he filed for his divorce.   His poor ex wife, they were married for like 40 years. 

I did think it was odd at the time that he was moving so fast to replace her but he is older and told me his playing days are over... ., he has been unhappy for so long... .  blah blah.  After he officially filed, we started spending time together and of course I started to really dig him cause he was mirroring me! and I really like me.

All the signs that are super clear now... .

[asphyx]

The problem with this question is that most people don't even realise that the BPD is in the process of replacing them, since the BPD is so adept at hiding her double life and pretending everything is fine at home.

I'd be willing to bet that for the many people who didn't find out that they were replaced until a week/month later, the BPD was already seeing or talking to their replacement behind their back for some time. They just didn't find out about it until later.

[balletomane]

The hunt was already on long before we broke up. I intuitively knew it was happening but couldn't wrap my mind around it that she actually would do this... .

So... .She made sure to have someone standing ready to jump over to.

My ex-boyfriend did the same thing to me. After making every excuse not to spend time with me for a couple of weeks, he asked to meet me (making it sound as though he were concerned over my health - I was pretty unwell at the time), and his opening words were, "I have some news that will alarm you. S and I pulled an A and M." (S was his flatmate, A and M are two friends of ours who became a couple after sharing an apartment.) His response to my less-than-thrilled reaction was, "Well, this didn't go as well as I expected." To this day it hurts me that he didn't tell me he was growing interested in his flatmate until after they became a couple. He must have known it was heading that way. It made me feel so used, that he would keep me as a kind of safety-net like that.