Ex-Girlfriend with BPD Ignoring Me

[heartandmind]

Hello all!

My ex-girlfriend with BPD and I broke up about three months ago. She was suffering from drug addiction and, because I love her so much, after several attempts at getting her straight, could simply no longer bare the mistreatment that was coming as a direct result the issue. She suggested our initial breakup, I did not necessarily initiate it. I expressed to her that her behavior was deeply affecting me and that I loved her too much to watch her destroy herself. From there, she suggested that she should simply let me be for the time being because it was hurting her to hurt me.

After that, I asked for her back around three weeks later and would take her however she was, and she said she still was not ready and that it would do us both the best for her to sort her issues out first.

The breakup was very amicable and we texted regularly for about two months (all great communication, her saying that we were in the breakup together, would get through it and back together, etc.)

About a month ago, I contacted her regarding speaking about the relationship itself and what had happened. This was only five days after our last text, but also what prompted her to ignore me for a month straight after sending three text messages about a week apart. The strange thing to me is, I told her that if she wanted me to leave her life, I would respect that -- if that is what she truly wanted, why not simply oblige?

I ran into her at a social function about two weeks ago. She had every opportunity to ignore me, but did not -- she was delighted and so emotional to see me and told me she is now clean from drugs and apologized for not responding to my messages (though - at this point - I clearly thought I understood why given the circumstance!) She told me she loved me, held my hand, and suggested us getting dinner that weekend. I obliged and texted her a few days later about it -- it's now going on no response for two weeks.

She suffers from one of the worst anxiety disorders I have ever seen and was diagnosed with BPD about two years ago. Throughout the relationship she didn't feel that she was ready for a commitment due to a multitude of terrible personal issues and would push/pull due to her anxiety and crippling fear of failure, but the love was always so there.

This is also not the first time she is avoiding important messages or commitments -- she does this with everything! Actually, in the past, she has spoken about how she will get so incredibly anxious about a situation (whether good, bad, or indifferent!) that she will inevitably just avoid it altogether.

We have gone through so absolutely much together, so clearly this behavior frustrates me beyond belief. I am trying to not be obsessive about the motives, to move on, and have a few upcoming dates, but even hearing from those with BPD themselves about what could be happening, though no one is identical, will certainly help.

I seriously do appreciate all of your opinions in advance.

[ICantFixHer]

Hi, I would consider yourself lucky your ex seems to be ok with not contacting you for weeks at a time. I would have loved it if my ex had done the same, instead of manipulating me and stringing me along for 10 gruesome years on a daily basis.

Don't get me wrong, she and I had lots of great times. The majority of the 10 years was spent pretty happily together.

But the severity of her abandonment issues over the years and the ensuing misery she put me through far outweighs pleasant memories of us on a beach somewhere.

Don't be fooled, she will be back and she will try to rope you back in with tales of love and devotion. She will paint you white and you will feel so good again. It's only a matter of time before she paints you black and you'll be right back where you are now.

This cycle can last decades. Think about your future, and you being happy and not manipulated by someone who automatically assumes everyone out there is ready to abandon them at a moments notice.

All the best to you. Stay strong. You know this isn't what you want. You're worth more.

[Meili]

  inquisitive91!

Welcome to the family!

First, since she's been diagnosed, I'd suggest reading about CHOOSING YOUR PATH.

What direction is it that you ultimately want to go?

There are many of us who have been in similar situations and have had to decide what we ultimately wanted. It's not an easy thing to do when you have so much love and have been as invested in a relationship as you have been.

For me, a lot of reading has helped me. I've learned about BPD, but more importantly, about myself and my part in all of this. Maybe that would help you too?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey inquisitive91, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  What makes you think your xGF has BPD?  What is it that you would like to see happen?  I am unclear from your post.  Are you hoping to get back together w/her?  If so, what makes you think it would go differently this time?  Is she doing anything to address her substance abuse problem?

Sorry for all these questions, which might help you (and us) to understand your situation a little better.

LuckyJim