15 months later...still smearing

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my ex and I have been NC for 15 months. I received no response when I extended an olive branch back in October so I gave up. Today I discovered another person,whom ex does not know blocked me on fb. Also several members of this person's family. I haven't had contact with these people in years... .the only explanation is ... him. I have no proof of course, but he often threatened during devaluation/discard specifically to expose me (whatever that means) to this person. its been 15 months, yet his friends still harass me and (I think) I am still being smeared. Why? I have left him alone.

I know he is sick, yes, but things like this really test the limits of my empathy.

[Beach_Babe]

So my ex and I have been NC for 15 months. I received no response when I extended an olive branch back in October so I gave up. Today I discovered another person,whom ex does not know blocked me on fb. Also several members of this person's family. I haven't had contact with these people in years... .the only explanation is ... him. I have no proof of course, but he often threatened during devaluation/discard specifically to expose me (whatever that means) to this person. its been 15 months, yet his friends still harass me and (I think) I am still being smeared. Why? I have left him alone.

I know he is sick, yes, but things like this really test the limits of my empathy.

[Herodias]

Hi Beach Babe, haven't seen you here in awhile... .Hope you are doing well. Yes, it seems the madness never ends... .He must be bored with whatever he was doing for the past 15 months... .sorry, I guess all you can do is try and not worry about what people think. The people that really know you are the ones that count. They know the truth and that's all that matters. I don't think there is much you can do about what he says. I understand your pain. It's terrible to be lied about. I bet the people that truly know him, know the truth as well. I had to delete all of his family and friends and anyone that was friends with both of us. It was better for me. I even went off Facebook for two months and came back on with my maiden name when I was divorced a few weeks ago... .I have very few people I am friends with and I really didn't miss it when I was off. I am able to keep up with a few groups I am involved with, but really I don't care to do much on it anyway. Make sure you have everything set to private and block anyone that can get to you emotionally or use anything against you. It is so sad we have to deal with this after we get out.

[HoneyB33]

My ex practically made an identity out of smearing me. Literally. I remember walking into the old coffee shops and ppl looking at me like I was this HORRIBLE person.

I'm sorry you're still going through this. I don't think there is any question at play here about your empathy. Something I have realized recently is that I think I have gotten trapped the most by reflecting these things that are happening to me, my feeling/or reactions, and looked at them too closely within questioning myself. Meaning, when this stuff happens, instead of being able to react, I question myself as a person, my character, etc.

A person being mentally ill and disordered is NO excuse to abuse you. This has nothing to do with your empathy, and everything to do with his abuse and slander of you. You should be pissed, because you're being treated like crap.

[Beach_Babe]

Hi Blue  . Sorry to hear you had that experience as well. Its sad isn't it? How did you deal with the  knowledge you'd always be black? That's a tough one for me.

Honey: Well I probably split him too, at one point because I was just so damn angry... .but I couldn't remain that way. I wish him the best, truly and I hope he finds peace. It just kinda sucks the definition of that is demonizing me. How long have you been on the outs?

[HoneyB33]

Eh, I still don't care if my ex is "black" to me. I understand she has a PD, but I also know that I poured out SO much for her, and I got THAT in return? She makes her own self black, not me. That's exactly it, their "best" is to demonize us? That isn't the best for anyone, and so I don't wish my ex the "best", I wish her well. As in I hope she can actually get some real therapy. And I hope one day she does acknowledge how much I did for her, because it's the TRUTH. I wish her the truth. Just as I wish myself the truth in all of this.

I've been out for two years actually. I didn't know she had BPD until a month ago things clicked for me. It was a lot of searching in the darkness until then.

[rj47]

That's exactly it, their "best" is to demonize us? That isn't the best for anyone, and so I don't wish my ex the "best", I wish her well.

I struggled for years with while still in the R/S that she would slander me to anyone that would listen while she was insisting she would never involve anyone in our troubles. I would see the writings and hear (through the walls) the things she would say to others and be in horror at that this awful human being she was casting me as. I was alone and in silence with no one thinking I had to be better and not involve others in my horror. When she finally was diagnosed I began researching, found my way here, and began to understand the disorder. I tried to reason with her, but she would engage in diversionary blame shifting that I cared more about my reputation than her needs. "Huh? You told people I beat you last night and basically raped you after you failed to seduce me when the episode was over! I was still bleeding d*mmit." I allowed her to beat me up several times hoping she might connect with the physical abuse after the fact. From her perspective I deserved it. She could not control the bizarre narratives. When I finally could take no more and involved several of the people most impacted, they knew. They knew me well and her. Her own family counseled me to protect myself and get out before she destroyed my soul. It was life affirming and I slowly learned to stop caring what she said to others and began to develop friendships with healthy people. After getting out (and against my own counsel thinking I was damaged long-term) I ended up quite by accident in relationship with a wonderful woman. The shackles fell off, the old behaviors quickly disappeared and were left behind in the dust. We both vowed the behaviors we both learned living in dysfunction and despair would never find their way into our relationship. I got very lucky.

Find a way to gently involve others that are most important without shaming and dragging you former SO through the mud if possible. Maintain you dignity and integrity at all times even if it escalates. But above all find your center and move on when you're through having your say. It will never stop and you can't change it. The people you, know better.

[HoneyB33]

It was life affirming and I slowly learned to stop caring what she said to others and began to develop friendships with healthy people.

This is where I'm getting to. And trying to slowly let go of all the lies this person has told. I think that was the hardest part for me, because she slandered me so horribly to people. I gave her literally roses, and she told everyone that I abused her and was mentally ill. It was horrible. My ex even did the similar thing of one time after we slept together, basically insinuating that she hadn't wanted to. That was really hard on me, because I felt like I had done something wrong. It was so disgusting and it took me two years to get out of all the lies she's told about me to myself and others, and realize that it's all to do with her BPD. The thing with my ex was that she was very reserved in things, so it was hard to point to her abuse (even to myself). She would respond as if I had really hurt her, and for all I knew I had! Learning about BPD is finally giving me my sanity back.

The hardest part has been the slander for me. How she slandered me to others, to myself, and to herself. That is what I am having to learn to let go of, and not fear, regardless of what she says.

[rj47]

It was life affirming and I slowly learned to stop caring what she said to others and began to develop friendships with healthy people.

TAnd trying to slowly let go of all the lies this person has told. I think that was the hardest part for me, because she slandered me so horribly to people. 

It hurts down deep, but was the final straw when she told two people that I had beaten her up. To do such a thing is reprehensible and disgusting that any man would touch a woman even in self defense. But it was a terrible signal that shocked me into the reality of what I was living in once and for all. From then on I began recording the rages when they happened to protect myself. During her rages she would often threaten to call the police, smirk slyly and say "who do you think they will believe?" I'd move toward the door and she would block it. That's when the hitting, scratching and biting always started. Even restraining her or blocking the punches was not an option.

So yes, the lies hurt. But my experience is that the people that know us, or know of us through others will recognize the source of the slander. Most of them also really don't care having enough problems of their own to deal with. A lot of the fear about what they say is likely our own projection into our worst fears as well.

[Circle]

So yes, the lies hurt. But my experience is that the people that know us, or know of us through others will recognize the source of the slander. Most of them also really don't care having enough problems of their own to deal with. A lot of the fear about what they say is likely our own projection into our worst fears as well.

Nicely put rj47.

I come from a big hodge-podge of a family. There have always been under-currents of conflict in our family. People trying to one-up each other. Others smearing people. Always behind closed doors. I'm used to it. And, I've been through the slander with friends in the past before too. I kind of look at it like 'if you haven't made any enemies, you aren't living at all; just being a book on a shelf.' I've always come away from it fine. Probably the best part, in situations like that; is seeing who can think-for-themselves, and who can't. Who will still treat you with respect despite the gossip they hear. Because, ultimately, over time, you realize who will and won't. And, you get to see how ridiculously stupid those people look, who only go on 'what they hear'.

[HoneyB33]

It hurts down deep, but was the final straw when she told two people that I had beaten her up.

A lot of the fear about what they say is likely our own projection into our worst fears as well.

Yeah, I guess it took me a long time to really just get back to the reality that none of the things she said could possibly be true. Sure, I had yelled at her a couple times (in self-defense) but that didn't mean I had come anywhere close to what she accused me of.

I think that is what is so hard about it, because it is our worst fears. I come from an extensive abusive background, so I've always been afraid of repeating my abuse. So for me, to hear those accusations was very much my worst fear. And to think other people might think that of me? But yes, a lot of it for me now is separating from those fears.

[Flutterby32]

My ex still occasionally sends me emails even though I have made it clear I want no contact.

I was initially willing to at least have online contact such as email, but then she sent a Facebook message saying something like "I release you back to your mom, since you never left her in the first place." This was an ongoing issue throughout the two decades we were together, she had a very distorted and negative view of my birth family and of my relationship with them. And as long as I was still with her, I felt like I had to at least try to tolerate it in order to keep the peace between us. Now that I am divorcing her, I will no longer tolerate her ridiculous comments about my family and my relationship with them.

[Flutterby32]

Also, I heard from a friend that she was saying things on Facebook about how "oppressive" our relationship was for her! Yeah, right. It was DEFINITELY oppressive for me! I no longer go to that Facebook, which was for my male birth persona anyway. I have never been Facebook friends with her as my true self (a transgender woman) and have blocked her from that account. I know if I logged into the facebook profile for my former (male) persona, there would likely be things triggering to me. So I just don't go there since breaking up with her.

[Beach_Babe]

good for you, Flutterby32! Are you dating?

[Flutterby32]

good for you, Flutterby32! Are you dating?

Yes! Actually, I am trying polyamory and have three awesome partners! Two of them are in different U.S. states as me, and one is in an entirely different country, but yes, I have quite a nice love life now! Although because of what my ex did to me, I struggle sometimes to believe I really deserve it.

My nickname Flutterby was given to me by one of my current romantic partners, because my name (Vanessa) means butterfly!

Thanks for the reply!