Sex with the exBPD that I do not see as a recycle...thoughts?

[drained1996]

Several weeks ago I was drawn back into the hurricane by my exBPD contacting me about her 18 y/o daughter leaving the house to stay with her 22 y/o bf... .at HIS parents house.  I accepted to be in to help for the daughter... .damn was I stupid... .but I was willing, because of the daughter.  :)aughter is, and has been presenting BPD traits and they are becoming more pronounced.  Yes... .I feel certain I was dealing with two BPD's at one time... .yay.
I did go into this eyes wide open... .knowing there was no chance of me being drawn back into a relationship from my standpoint.  :)o I still care and have feelings, absolutely, she is a wonderful person with a huge heart... .that unfortunately suffers from BPD.  I know this, I'm not having it in my life.  Well... .of course we needed to talk if I was to help so I could comprehend everything... .she was sincere, as we had to talk about the subject of her daughter being a product of her environment... .which the ex surprisingly admitted to with no cajoling on my part.  And she even said I don't want her to turn out like me.
  Of course I see my ex, completely disturbed, and what comes out in me but my knight in shining armor self... .and well... .empathetic me.  She was hurting, and it hurt me to see her hurt.  Of course she was scantily clad by chance when I came over... .I obviously now see why.
She didn't seduce me, but she let it be known through subliminal messages she wanted to be with me.  It took 3 days... .and us going through some tough crap and her daughter still away... .which was killing me too, knowing HIS parents were letting them sleep together (who does that)?
Anyway, we did sleep together, both acknowledging it was not a healthy decision.  Once her daughter was home... .I was out, which was the boundary that was set... .she knew it and acknowledge it.  Even texting I guess this is the end of our contact.
But she did talk me into leaving my line open JUST for emergencies with the kids.  In about 12 hours this was abused and I cut her off.  She knew the consequences, and it happened.  Of course I was in receipt of a scathing email that basically said I used her.  I had to think about it... .but, in the bit of FOG I was drawn back into, all I wanted to do was soothe her, and for her that is sex.  I forced nothing, in fact she instigated, and we both knew what was coming, she willingly came to my house, and even discussed that it was unhealthy.  I haven't been with anyone since her some 7-8 months ago, and though I really didn't believe her... .and still don't, she claimed the same.  It was two willing 40 somethings that have feelings for each other engaging in consensual sex.  Where is the harm in that... .that isn't a self inflicted choice?
Do I feel bad she's hurt... .yes, but that was her choice... .though I didn't have intent to cause her pain, only comfort.  
I know better now and it won't ever happen again, and we will never be together in any way shape or form... .I hope for both of our sakes.
This contact lasted about 5 days... .not the sexual part, but me being there for support.  Once the daughter was home and the pwBPD crossed the boundaries, she got an email stating I wasn't ever to be there for her again because us communicating was obviously not a healthy thing for either of us, just for her kids to contact me directly if they so choose.  
I don't even feel like I've taken a step back... .and I'm not even sure I feel bad she is hurt.  At the time I thought about it yes, and I thought... .we're two people who know this isn't healthy but both are willing.  Now I think... .did I subconsciously allow it to happen to send a message to her... .some pain, so the next time she feels the need for my support she will not contact me?
I'm not embarrassed nor ashamed to admit to any of this... .I am curious on your thoughts in the happenings and if anyone else has experienced something along the same lines after you knew the relationship was never to be reconciled?

[Turkish]

It certainly sounds like it was consensual.  Since shame is a strong  emotion at the core of a pwBPD, it could be that she is dealing with it by projecting,  since one could say that she used you.  It sounds like she doesn't want to take responsibility here.  Her feeling is valid in and of itself,  no matter how convoluted.  Better to not validate the invalid by responding to it.

[Moselle]

I agree with Turkish here. The pwBPD will mostly project their issues and it's best not to respond.

So the gist here is that if she's accusing you of using her she likely feels (or knows) she has used you.

Intimacy in any BPD relationship is complex and the longer I am out of my relationship, the more I understand the shame drivers which Turkish mentions. And that all the accusations that were levelled at me were mostly her stuff. Unfortunately those around her are not so discerning

[drained1996]

I guess you live and learn.  I know she had me in the FOG a bit during this episode, but damn I'm surprised how blind I am with her after all the knowledge I've gained over the years about BPD.  Not once did it cross my mind that she was using me... .and now that you all point it out, it's really undeniable.  She was in a bad place with her daughter having left, needed a night in shining armor and of course me being the only man her daughter has ever respected as a father figure... .it was me.  The rest was just part of the soundtrack in the short film. Funny thing is, let me see this in someone else's story and right away I would recognize exactly what you all saw... .FOG is a powerful drug. 
Anyway, I'm glad the film is over, and I'm happy the daughter is home, and I'm happy I learned I simply cannot help my pwBPD with anything.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey drained, BPD is a toxic soup.  Suggest you be careful before venturing back in the quicksand.  Those w/BPD, in my view, are experts at manipulation, so be aware of the F-O-G.  LJ

[drained1996]

Thanks Lucky Jim!  BPD and toxicity was something I already knew about all too well... .this was about me making a bad choice out of Obligation I felt to her daughter.  I knew it was going to be a short trip back into the storm, I just forgot how blind one can become in the FOG.  I'll not be venturing back into that FOG bank... .or any other for that matter.  Back to my own road of recovery where the sun is shining and the skies are blue!

[flourdust]

It sounds like you lived and learned.

I used to post on a dating advice board. One of their rules was "don't stick your hand in the crazy." It applies to other body parts, too. 

[drained1996]

flourdust,
I used to tell one of my buddy's not to poke crazy when he would get in touch with his off the charts crazy ex wife.  And to think... .I literally poked crazy... .
We all have our weak moments
I could actually FEEL the FOG, I just didn't recognize how thick it really was... .

[Rayban]

Several weeks ago I was drawn back into the hurricane by my exBPD contacting me about her 18 y/o daughter leaving the house to stay with her 22 y/o bf... .at HIS parents house.  I accepted to be in to help for the daughter... .damn was I stupid... .but I was willing, because of the daughter.  :)aughter is, and has been presenting BPD traits and they are becoming more pronounced.  Yes... .I feel certain I was dealing with two BPD's at one time... .yay.
I did go into this eyes wide open... .knowing there was no chance of me being drawn back into a relationship from my standpoint.  :)o I still care and have feelings, absolutely, she is a wonderful person with a huge heart... .that unfortunately suffers from BPD.  I know this, I'm not having it in my life.  Well... .of course we needed to talk if I was to help so I could comprehend everything... .she was sincere, as we had to talk about the subject of her daughter being a product of her environment... .which the ex surprisingly admitted to with no cajoling on my part.  And she even said I don't want her to turn out like me.
  Of course I see my ex, completely disturbed, and what comes out in me but my knight in shining armor self... .and well... .empathetic me.  She was hurting, and it hurt me to see her hurt.  Of course she was scantily clad by chance when I came over... .I obviously now see why.
She didn't seduce me, but she let it be known through subliminal messages she wanted to be with me.  It took 3 days... .and us going through some tough crap and her daughter still away... .which was killing me too, knowing HIS parents were letting them sleep together (who does that)?
Anyway, we did sleep together, both acknowledging it was not a healthy decision.  Once her daughter was home... .I was out, which was the boundary that was set... .she knew it and acknowledge it.  Even texting I guess this is the end of our contact.
But she did talk me into leaving my line open JUST for emergencies with the kids.  In about 12 hours this was abused and I cut her off.  She knew the consequences, and it happened.  Of course I was in receipt of a scathing email that basically said I used her.  I had to think about it... .but, in the bit of FOG I was drawn back into, all I wanted to do was soothe her, and for her that is sex.  I forced nothing, in fact she instigated, and we both knew what was coming, she willingly came to my house, and even discussed that it was unhealthy.  I haven't been with anyone since her some 7-8 months ago, and though I really didn't believe her... .and still don't, she claimed the same.  It was two willing 40 somethings that have feelings for each other engaging in consensual sex.  Where is the harm in that... .that isn't a self inflicted choice?
Do I feel bad she's hurt... .yes, but that was her choice... .though I didn't have intent to cause her pain, only comfort.  
I know better now and it won't ever happen again, and we will never be together in any way shape or form... .I hope for both of our sakes.
This contact lasted about 5 days... .not the sexual part, but me being there for support.  Once the daughter was home and the pwBPD crossed the boundaries, she got an email stating I wasn't ever to be there for her again because us communicating was obviously not a healthy thing for either of us, just for her kids to contact me directly if they so choose.  
I don't even feel like I've taken a step back... .and I'm not even sure I feel bad she is hurt.  At the time I thought about it yes, and I thought... .we're two people who know this isn't healthy but both are willing.  Now I think... .did I subconsciously allow it to happen to send a message to her... .some pain, so the next time she feels the need for my support she will not contact me?
I'm not embarrassed nor ashamed to admit to any of this... .I am curious on your thoughts in the happenings and if anyone else has experienced something along the same lines after you knew the relationship was never to be reconciled?

I admire you're ability to remain clear headed, and able to enforce your boundaries.  You handled the situation well,. You obviously still care for her kids, and she knows this. You are right It was also no coincidence that she was  scantily clad. She was obviously trying to seduce, and get you back into the loop. She might see you as a challenge right now, someone who is able to get along fine with out her. Keep your head straight like you have right now, and she cant hurt you.