She's gone... Again.

[prettyflowers]

I thought that knowing her dysregulation pattern (sleep schedule interruption, travel, and social over-committing) would make the like-clockwork discard/break-off easier this time. I saw it coming and still wasn't prepared for how I feel, which is like I've been hit by a train.

My best friend and I were swiping through the best friend's dating profile account this evening and came across my girlfriend's profile. My friend confronted her via text message. She sent a screenshot and a note that said she was sad and disappointed to see it.

Hours later, my girlfriend texted me with a screenshot of my friend's text, saying she won't be replying to my friend and that she reactivated her profile after our "lonely" conversation last night. The conversation ended by me going cold (one damn misstep) after she said she doesn't want to see me (or anyone) for a day or so when she returns from her trip after too much socializing on an extended vacation.

She planned the trip without including me. Not fun. But, I did nothing but encourage and validate her reports of what a great time she was having with friends and family the whole time she was gone. Tonight, she said our relationship has felt distant and "off" the past two weeks, but she can't see that she created the distance. I even sent her a screenshot of a text I sent the day she left asking if we could make an effort to stay connected while she was away.

I kept my cool about the dating profile for the most part, despite this being something that would typically trigger me more than just about anything else. However, late tonight I asked if I could see her briefly tonight (stop by her house for a hug with no talking as we were both exhausted).

She eventually said "fine" but when I was two minutes from her house said that she was tired and unhappy about the drop-by and that me coming over when she just wanted to sleep would "seal" the breakup. At that point, I was in her driveway and asked if I should just go home.

She came outside but wouldn't get in my car. I got out. She hugged and kissed me without much warmth and said, "take care of yourself." It was clear that she was distraught and exhausted. Also, she had an unexpected houseguest asleep in the house, which I know wasn't pleasant for her.

I drove home, and here I am -- a wreck. One of her text comments tonight was that she loves me but can't give what this relationship needs. I don't ask for or require much. At all. But apparently she has what would be required to date someone else.

My best friend (a psychologist) has been trying all night to drill into my head that she is sick. I get it and I don't. Nothing about this makes sense anymore. I'm terrified that I'm losing her, but she is already gone in so many ways. I'm mourning the death of the same thing with every discard and it never gets easier. </3

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

This constant cycling in and out of our lives is painful.  I too thought I could handle the "next" time, but I was not prepared for what would happen.  It is apparent you love this woman, but do you feel loved?  What do you want in a partner?  What does she make you feel like overall?  Does the good outweigh the bad?  I could offer you advice on how to maintain this relationship, but are you prepared to deal with her next break? 

I know what it's like for you.  I am able to attract other women, some much better looking and more successful than my BPD-ex, but I still miss her.  You love her, she leaves and it doesn't seem to affect her.  There will be a day when the way she has treated you will be the first of many more regrets to come.