When the going gets tough, the tough get...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Tough times over here. I'm back in the town where my ex lives-- not for long, but definitely long enough for the healing wounds to open a bit again. I miss her but know I shouldn't contact her. She's not contacting me-- she doesn't know I'm back yet. Unfortunately I slipped and looked at her facebook yesterday and saw pictures of her looking happy with her other people. That was hard, and I'm going to try not to do that again.

BPD is such a tricky thing-- and I wonder if I made too much of it in the relationship, never let myself fully commit because of it and thus doomed the relationship? Or is the other way around-- was it the BPD that doomed the relationship and then the ways I didn't fully commit or pushed back was self-preservation on my part?

Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter that much because it is over now. Now what matters is how we both pick up the pieces and move on. She's done some really good things in that regard-- got involved in new things, made new friends, kept herself open to love. She broke up, so in a way she was prepped to move on. I've had to recover from the blow of the break up that I didn't want, but I've got to move on too. Today here's what I'll do:

write
try to swim if it doesn't rain
yoga (already went!)
try to make plans for tonight
pray

[kc sunshine]

Tough times over here. I'm back in the town where my ex lives-- not for long, but definitely long enough for the healing wounds to open a bit again. I miss her but know I shouldn't contact her. She's not contacting me-- she doesn't know I'm back yet. Unfortunately I slipped and looked at her facebook yesterday and saw pictures of her looking happy with her other people. That was hard, and I'm going to try not to do that again.

BPD is such a tricky thing-- and I wonder if I made too much of it in the relationship, never let myself fully commit because of it and thus doomed the relationship? Or is the other way around-- was it the BPD that doomed the relationship and then the ways I didn't fully commit or pushed back was self-preservation on my part?

Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter that much because it is over now. Now what matters is how we both pick up the pieces and move on. She's done some really good things in that regard-- got involved in new things, made new friends, kept herself open to love. She broke up, so in a way she was prepped to move on. I've had to recover from the blow of the break up that I didn't want, but I've got to move on too. Today here's what I'll do:

write
try to swim if it doesn't rain
yoga (already went!)
try to make plans for tonight
pray

[gotbushels]

BPD is such a tricky thing-- and I wonder if I made too much of it in the relationship, never let myself fully commit because of it and thus doomed the relationship? Or is the other way around-- was it the BPD that doomed the relationship and then the ways I didn't fully commit or pushed back was self-preservation on my part?

If it's any consolation, perhaps the BP traits in her "know" that she can't play you out. If you keep committing to higher degrees, she's successfully played you. She couldn't make you do that--so she cut it early. So--in a way--you successfully "pushed back" and "self-preserved".

There are those of us here that thought commitment would "fix" or "manage" the pull of the black hole. Some of us here ended up with violence used against us, children in the marriage, and divorce after age 60. Children are blessing too--I'm simply adding that for your perspective.

She broke up, so in a way she was prepped to move on.

To offer some perspective, this is a way they do not move on from the continuous chain of unhealthy relationships. They don't or can't stop to think about things and process. So they run into the next relationship.

write
try to swim if it doesn't rain
yoga (already went!)
try to make plans for tonight
pray

Great plan:)

[heartandwhole]

Hey kc,

I really like your list of activities    How did it go yesterday? How are you feeling today?

heartandwhole

[kc sunshine]

Thanks for your replies heartandwhole and gotbushels! Your replies were very helpful and also very comforting company. Thinking of what you say, gotbushels, makes me think it was a catch-22. Our relationship was doomed if I did commit, and doomed if I didn't. My therapist gave me the homework of not contacting her when I was in town. That is helpful because it is "doctor's orders" in a way. It is still tough, but I am following them.

 I made it through the day yesterday, and did all the things I said I would do! I also stayed NC and didn't check her facebook page. I felt up and down but kept myself busy. I saw two friends and was able to not talk about my ex very much (with one, only when she asked about her and with the other, not at all).

 I spent a lot of time yesterday reading about BPD and coming on these boards whenever I had the urge to check her facebook (which was a lot). So all in all, the relationship still occupied a lot of time in my head.

Today is a beautiful day! Here's what I might do:

Garden (mulch!)
Write
Have a cookout with my friends
Pray
Laugh with my kids
 Today is a beautiful day here. I will try to appreciate it!

[kc sunshine]

A couple of more things: I do wonder if I was able to provide her more stability (e.g. not travel as much) whether we could have made it, especially with all the say about how responsive BPD is to treatment.

My to-do list, amended:

Pray
Appreciate the beauty of the day-- the blue of the sky, the green of the leaves, and the warmth of the sun
Talk and laugh with my kids
Meditate outside
Write and print out what I wrote
Have a cookout with my friends

[gotbushels]

Wonderful. I'm so happy for you kc sunshine  

Our relationship was doomed if I did commit, and doomed if I didn't.

Nice identification. pwBPD sometimes put their SO into no-win situations. In my mind the big no-win is the one where the relationship is at stake. You leave → "You left me! I knew it!"; you stay → "You're trying to control me, I shall never be controlled! I knew it!" This seeming inability to choose because of the ghosty sense of self. The non has three obvious choices of stay (short stick), do nothing and stay aka stay in the cycle (short stick), leave (short stick). Feels good to be out of such things doesn't it?  

I made it through the day yesterday, and did all the things I said I would do! I also stayed NC and didn't check her facebook page. I felt up and down but kept myself busy. I saw two friends and was able to not talk about my ex very much (with one, only when she asked about her and with the other, not at all).

I admire your honest description. I'd venture to say that we're pretty accustomed to the person being in our lives so it could be quite normal to have the brain casually float to thoughts of what we're used to. I think healthy people go through this and somewhat let it go over time. I admire your healthy outlook and proactivity.  

Garden (mulch!)
Write
Have a cookout with my friends
Pray
Laugh with my kids
 Today is a beautiful day here. I will try to appreciate it!

Wonderful. Enjoy your weekend kc sunshine.