Realizing the Magnitude of It All

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Thanks largely to this wonderfully supportive community, yesterday it truly hit me for the first time: the sheer magnitude and scope of my ex-BPD girlfriend's behaviors and her effect our 10-year "interaction.''

On the bright side I knew something was terribly wrong and at least I had the survival instincts to remove myself from her presence after 9 years. I had the wherewithal to do some digging and find some way to make sense of it all.

Ironically, the confusion of our "interaction" now makes justifiable sense to me, simply by learning the process by which my ex chooses to make decisions.

About 18 months ago she was drinking and got all somber; she gestured towards our lovely backyard and said to me, "It's all fake; all of this. It's all fake."

I asked her to please try to explain herself but of course she couldn't; how does one explain the reason they want you around is to induce you to act defensively so that they can think less of you so they can then justify their own coping behaviors?

Past actions are indications of future behaviors, right? My ex had a promiscuous past, hundreds of partners, sex clubs, etc.

I am learning that, in casting my ex aside, I am also free to cast aside all my fears: that she had sex with a relative on a camping trip, that she had sex with our neighbor, maybe even with my Dad, all the stuff that is attached to her memory I am now free to deliberately discard. We shall see how many trips to the dump it will take.

Two weeks ago the last thing she'll ever do to touch my tender and caring heart was to write me: "Picture yourself in a translucent bubble; at your feet I bow in shame and beg your forgiveness."

The image still sends me reeling and triggers my every need to forgive and to offer love and understanding.

The more I thought about it the more it hit me: picture me in a bubble. She is outside where all the sh*t is happening, she is keeping me insulated from the intensely complicated world that surrounds her, a world of her own creation, one in which I have no place other than to justify her decisions.

So I popped the bubble and stepped into the warm clear light of acceptance.

Where does this leave me?

I can't find it in myself to feel disappointment in the way I acted; the more love she demanded, the more I tried to give. That's what I thought love was, and I was wrong. Huge lesson there.

I am trying to remove thoughts of her from my head; I will not say "F**k her", I will not think about explaining her contradictions. I find that if I remove the word "her" from whatever I'm thinking it reminds me I am living in the present and not the past. A present which belongs to me alone. I get to do whatever I want now.

I got used. Taken to the cleaners. Robbed at knife point. Hung out to dry. I also eventually got wise.

I keep saying I feel "devastated" but I'm not, I'm still here and I'm caring for myself. The devastation is behind me.

I get to end this "interaction" this weekend, once and for good. *I* get to end this. *I* am taking this one for myself.

Having had no contact this week, tonight I shall call her to remind her I am coming this weekend to get my remaining property. I've written a script and notes: no engaging her (how are you?), no opinions (what do you think?), no future obligations (see you Sunday), even tone and normal voice, and do absolutely NOTHING to give her a reason to try to provoke me. If she does, I am hard boiling eggs and I need to get off the phone now, I smell burning.

I've asked our landlord to be at the house when I'm there; I vow to remain calm, even toned, and unemotional. Just matter of fact. With the landlord there it's going to pressure her to keep cool around me; she'll either snap in front of him or realize she has no avenue to attack me. I have asked the landlord to stay there until I leave to ensure my ex and I have no time alone together.

I'll say goodbye to my cats, the old place, and her. I'm going to hug her one last time and the last thing I'm going to say is, "you used me, I understand why, take care of yourself."

I have about 12 hours before I call so any advice will be taken to heart. Thanks.

[ICantFixHer]

Thanks largely to this wonderfully supportive community, yesterday it truly hit me for the first time: the sheer magnitude and scope of my ex-BPD girlfriend's behaviors and her effect our 10-year "interaction.''

On the bright side I knew something was terribly wrong and at least I had the survival instincts to remove myself from her presence after 9 years. I had the wherewithal to do some digging and find some way to make sense of it all.

Ironically, the confusion of our "interaction" now makes justifiable sense to me, simply by learning the process by which my ex chooses to make decisions.

About 18 months ago she was drinking and got all somber; she gestured towards our lovely backyard and said to me, "It's all fake; all of this. It's all fake."

I asked her to please try to explain herself but of course she couldn't; how does one explain the reason they want you around is to induce you to act defensively so that they can think less of you so they can then justify their own coping behaviors?

Past actions are indications of future behaviors, right? My ex had a promiscuous past, hundreds of partners, sex clubs, etc.

I am learning that, in casting my ex aside, I am also free to cast aside all my fears: that she had sex with a relative on a camping trip, that she had sex with our neighbor, maybe even with my Dad, all the stuff that is attached to her memory I am now free to deliberately discard. We shall see how many trips to the dump it will take.

Two weeks ago the last thing she'll ever do to touch my tender and caring heart was to write me: "Picture yourself in a translucent bubble; at your feet I bow in shame and beg your forgiveness."

The image still sends me reeling and triggers my every need to forgive and to offer love and understanding.

The more I thought about it the more it hit me: picture me in a bubble. She is outside where all the sh*t is happening, she is keeping me insulated from the intensely complicated world that surrounds her, a world of her own creation, one in which I have no place other than to justify her decisions.

So I popped the bubble and stepped into the warm clear light of acceptance.

Where does this leave me?

I can't find it in myself to feel disappointment in the way I acted; the more love she demanded, the more I tried to give. That's what I thought love was, and I was wrong. Huge lesson there.

I am trying to remove thoughts of her from my head; I will not say "F**k her", I will not think about explaining her contradictions. I find that if I remove the word "her" from whatever I'm thinking it reminds me I am living in the present and not the past. A present which belongs to me alone. I get to do whatever I want now.

I got used. Taken to the cleaners. Robbed at knife point. Hung out to dry. I also eventually got wise.

I keep saying I feel "devastated" but I'm not, I'm still here and I'm caring for myself. The devastation is behind me.

I get to end this "interaction" this weekend, once and for good. *I* get to end this. *I* am taking this one for myself.

Having had no contact this week, tonight I shall call her to remind her I am coming this weekend to get my remaining property. I've written a script and notes: no engaging her (how are you?), no opinions (what do you think?), no future obligations (see you Sunday), even tone and normal voice, and do absolutely NOTHING to give her a reason to try to provoke me. If she does, I am hard boiling eggs and I need to get off the phone now, I smell burning.

I've asked our landlord to be at the house when I'm there; I vow to remain calm, even toned, and unemotional. Just matter of fact. With the landlord there it's going to pressure her to keep cool around me; she'll either snap in front of him or realize she has no avenue to attack me. I have asked the landlord to stay there until I leave to ensure my ex and I have no time alone together.

I'll say goodbye to my cats, the old place, and her. I'm going to hug her one last time and the last thing I'm going to say is, "you used me, I understand why, take care of yourself."

I have about 12 hours before I call so any advice will be taken to heart. Thanks.

[Wize]

that she had sex with a relative on a camping trip, that she had sex with our neighbor, maybe even with my Dad, all the stuff that is attached to her memory I am now free to deliberately discard. We shall see how many trips to the dump it will take.

Two weeks ago the last thing she'll ever do to touch my tender and caring heart was to write me: "Picture yourself in a translucent bubble; at your feet I bow in shame and beg your forgiveness."

These two quotes.  Her actions vs. her words.  Her actions show who she is, her words show how she manipulates.

Hugging her, thinking of some really heartfelt goodbye to tell her.  Skip it, man.  Seriously, don't give her a hug, don't open up your heart to her with some gentle goodbye.  She's a predator, she's an abuser, she's sick... .and it's time for you to accept that.  NC.

[gotbushels]

I keep saying I feel "devastated" but I'm not, I'm still here and I'm caring for myself. The devastation is behind me.

I want to hold this out as a big deal. Well done on this Powell. Perhaps now is a good time to choose another word.

I am learning that, in casting my ex aside, I am also free to cast aside all my fears: that she had sex with a relative on a camping trip, that she had sex with our neighbor, maybe even with my Dad,

I'd consider any one of these examples to be an immensely big problem.

I have about 12 hours before I call so any advice will be taken to heart. Thanks.

The first thing is to answer the issue you brought up yourself:

Having had no contact this week, tonight I shall call her to remind her I am coming this weekend to get my remaining property. I've written a script and notes: no engaging her (how are you?), no opinions (what do you think?), no future obligations (see you Sunday), even tone and normal voice, and do absolutely NOTHING to give her a reason to try to provoke me. If she does, I am hard boiling eggs and I need to get off the phone now, I smell burning.

Be clear in your mind how you are going to respond to the issue you brought up. If she succeeds in passing her distress on to you--you're immediately going to have a very difficult time.

I'd consider:

• the event she's not there.
• that even calling her to remind her is also an option.
• a contingency plan for violence if your relationship has any history to suggest this.

I hope things work out okay for you Powell.

[pjstock42]

Thank you for this post, I think this is some very good insight on how to move past the trauma of having been involved in this type of situation.

Every little piece of research I do, every experience of someone else that I read and every explanation of how to mentally move past this are all of immense help to me and each of them give me a little bit more hope that I'll be able to get through this.

[ICantFixHer]

Skip it, man.

Thanks Wize, I think I will skip anything other than a dry "goodbye."

There's no point in telling her I understand; she might "get it" in that moment but by tomorrow it will have been forgotten.

My way of getting closure out of this interaction is to end it as flatly and emotionless as possible without conveying a word.

[hashtag_loyal]

that she had sex with a relative on a camping trip, that she had sex with our neighbor, maybe even with my Dad, all the stuff that is attached to her memory I am now free to deliberately discard. We shall see how many trips to the dump it will take.

Two weeks ago the last thing she'll ever do to touch my tender and caring heart was to write me: "Picture yourself in a translucent bubble; at your feet I bow in shame and beg your forgiveness."

These two quotes.  Her actions vs. her words.  Her actions show who she is, her words show how she manipulates.

Hugging her, thinking of some really heartfelt goodbye to tell her.  Skip it, man.  Seriously, don't give her a hug, don't open up your heart to her with some gentle goodbye.  She's a predator, she's an abuser, she's sick... .and it's time for you to accept that.  NC.

This is a very good point, and one that everyone on this board would be wise to learn.