She Handed Me The Keys

[ICantFixHer]

I left my ex BPD girlfriend last summer after nine years of intense distrust and violence punctuated with periods of relative calm and I daresay happiness. As in happy right that minute.

Seeing as my lease ends in a couple of months, and she is running out of money to remain in our old home much longer without a roommate, I recently made the decision to start seriously talking about moving back in September.

When I left her last summer it was somewhat open-ended: I said if she got a therapist and took treatment seriously for once, I would consider coming back. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to her, I started the emotional detachment process beginning here in this very community.

She and I have had some great conversations over the past 3 or 4 weeks, and it seemed there might be glimmers of hope, but ultimately she proved incapable of continuing a dialog without reverting to her old damaging ways. It was painfully obvious after she instigated (and I allowed) 3 or 4 major fights she hasn’t learned anything in therapy, not even basic communication tools.

I am done and over with her no matter what but there was still a huge, huge obstacle blocking my path forward.

Almost 10 years ago I caught her cyber cheating; I called her on it and she went on her first skunk rampage. She had never cheated, you see – it was ME who had the problem, always spying on her and because of my childhood I cannot trust women and I really needed to get help for my problems. She’d say anything rather than just answer my question.

Yesterday on the phone the ex tells me, “That incident 10 years ago, well I behaved inappropriately and I apologize.” I thought about it for a moment and put it to her this way: we were a committed couple going on a year together, I invited her to live in my home, we both agreed physical and cyber cheating were unacceptable, and she, behind my back, exchanged pornography with a stranger. Her behavior was not inappropriate, it was cheating.

She agreed and, as I turned my recorder on, told me “I cheated, yeah, but it wasn’t physical, it didn’t mean anything.” I told her it meant more than the promise she had made me. I asked her to say my name, admit she cheated on me, and apologize.

She just couldn’t do it. “Well, yes I did cheat but…” and I’d say, “Use my name in your statement or it means nothing!” and she’d say, “Oh, God…I can’t do this…it didn’t mean anything…”

“Tell me you cheated on me, use my name, tell me you’re sorry.”

After almost five full minutes of stalling she finally said, in a defeated and grudging tone, “Powell (not my real name), I cheated on you and I’m sorry.”

Rather than just tell me at the time, “Look, I’m sorry" she created the sh*tstorm we’ve lived in ever since. Denying her actions cost her ten years of her life, 2 arrests for DV, and the loss of her enabler, me.

Now I know I was not crazy, I was not obsessively suspicious nor fundamentally untrusting or in any way otherwise unreasonable in confronting her about the cheating. She’s told me for 10 years now, every time I suspect something because of her actions, that I am crazy and jealous and impossible to live with. And now she has admitted none of that was true, she has admitted that she cheated and broke our vows and dealt with the confrontation in a way that damaged both of our lives far, far out of proportion to the cheating event itself.

Only because she had recently moved in with me did I not throw her out at the time. She’d been living with me 2 months. This was the woman who promised me happiness. I just couldn’t bring myself to dump her on the street. I have since learned the consequences of my inability to enforce my boundaries.

Everything that’s happened since doesn’t even matter anymore; she’s admitted she was the first to cheat in the relationship. That’s all I needed to hear.

Last night I went to bed smiling – I have it all on tape! – and this morning I woke up smiling. My realtor and I are looking at a few houses today. I am picking up the rest of my possessions from the ex tomorrow. I am moving on.

Thanks, everyone, for your posts and support and for understanding the depth of my former pain. I finally feel free.

[Rayban]

It's the right thing to do Powell. There are people out there who can commit to a relationship in a healthy way. Staying with her means, more madness, and trust me, when they confide in something they did wrong, there is hell to pay. She can't live with the shame, and will work you to believe that you are at fault and not her.

[ICantFixHer]

Staying with her means, more madness, and trust me, when they confide in something they did wrong, there is hell to pay. She can't live with the shame, and will work you to believe that you are at fault and not her.

Thanks Rayban, there is no chance in h*ll I am staying with her. Tomorrow is the last time I will ever, ever have to see her face again. We have no reason to be in contact after I get my remaining things and I will be enforcing NC with this skunk until the end. I've had it.

I still have today and tomorrow open for communication with the ex, I will let you know if she responds today in anger and backtracks on her confession and tries to flip it back on me as per usual.

If she tries that tired old tactic I'll just play it back for her in her own words.

Will keep you posted, thank you.

[Confused?]

You know your story reminded me of something that happened between me and my ex. We were together and she found a replacement for me. She made sure that things would work out between them before saying me and her weren't together anymore. I had no idea what was happening it all happened so fast. Their official relationship lasted about two weeks before she crawled back to me. I stupidly forgave her. I asked her why she cheated on me. She said we weren't together. We recycled for a few months and I asked her that question a dozen times. Finally one night laying in bed I asked her why she cheated on me. And she started crying. And she said I'm so sorry for cheating on you.

It's weird because it seems like they just have a justification for all of their actions. They always have some legit reason. They honestly don't think they are doing any wrong. Which blows my mind to this day.

[ICantFixHer]

it seems like they just have a justification for all of their actions.

Guess what that justification is?

You and me, man. We justified it. I should have kicked the skunk to the curb 9 years ago but I didn't, she had only moved in with me 2 months prior, I didn't have the heart to kick her out. I thought, "Well, maybe she's right, maybe I am too suspicious so I will dial it back and see what happens."

What happened is the nightmare continued and a few years later, she's telling me she's keeping MY house and I am the one who has to move out.

No good deed goes unpunished I guess.

I'm glad your ex at least admitted it to you. The admission I received last night has completely freed me. All the best!