Being estranged from your adult child

[need a break]

I am about 90 % estranged from my adult daughter who has BPD.
How many of us are out there?
How many of us have had to give up due to self preservation?
How about protecting ourselves from physical or emotional harm?

I am curious as this is a very hard road that I and I imagine a lot of people must take.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello need a break!
We have been estranged from our (undiagosed) BPDD many times over the years.  As I have written previously, after an almost 4-year siege this time during which she dug in her heels, she offered an olive branch... .and it has been accepted.  It took the news that my husband has cancer (thankfully not an aggressive cancer... .but still the frightening "C" word). We try again!  

What has hurt most of all, though, has been her influence on our precious grandchildren (now 24 and 26)... .made sure she corralled them into a tight unit... .the 3 of them against us... .and actually anyone else she has looked on as a threat.  I didn't think I could live through that... .but I did.  I have been able to look back on memories of us and with them (we were surrogate parents)... .and smile at the good times we had with them... .not cry because of what we "lost."

It hurts like hell to have your kid pull away from you... .especially when the reasons are so obscure and the flare-ups catch you by surprise.  All would be going so well and then the rug would be pulled out.

I went through many stages of grief and finally came to the point where I accepted what is... .IS!  I finally stepped back and continued with my life... .I started to look after me... .I stopped being a victim.

So... .thinking about you, need a break.  It is a hard road and sometimes decisions have to be made.  My husband and I are not "spring chickens"... .and had been warned that our daughter's verbal abuse could turn to physical abuse as time went by... .and, of course, she has role-modelled to her children.  We will work on enjoying what "togetherness" comes our way... .but... .our guards are up.  We are not the same people we were 4 years ago.

Hang in there, need a break.  You are not alone.

[Bpd mother]

I am estranged  from my adult daughter who was recently diagnosed with Bpd  . This is her choice and not what I want. We had a difficult time when she was a teenager but then things improved although it was always difficult . She has 3 children  and I saw them several times a week and developed a very close loving relationship with them.

Out of the blue she stopped all contact . I can accept that she does not want a relationship, although it still hurts ,but not seeing my grandchildren is the most painful experience of my life.

I am trying to build a new life for myself but pray every day that we can work things out.

[need a break]

So... .thinking about you, need a break... .My husband and I are not "spring chickens"... .and had been warned that our daughter's verbal abuse could turn to physical abuse.  

Huat,

Thank you very much for your post. My husband and I are not that young and this has consumed more than 15 years of our life.
We are trying hard to make this next chapter a better one, to learn to be together without her drama.  To accept the fact that our girl is gone - we don't know this girl.

Thank you again for helping me feel not so alone

[need a break]

I am estranged  from my adult daughter who was recently diagnosed with Bpd... .She has 3 children  and I saw them several times a week and developed a very close loving relationship with them.     

I cant imagine your pain of not being able to see your grand kids. I do not have any but imagine it must be a double loss.  So she hasn't given you specific details on why she stopped contact?  

Once again I am very sorry for the loss of your grand kids and am going to hope that she comes around or is getting the help she needs to know that her kids need you.

[Honey B]

I am in a very similar position to BPDMother. It is not my choice-all communication is blocked and I cannot see my Grand-kids who I was close to. I have no idea what to do now-so I am just standing back.

[mggt]

We too are in the same boat it has been a very long road with our d many years of accusations and hurtfull moments right now we are nc 5 months now but seems forever we have 2 gc and our gd we helped raise since she was born we miss her terribly and oud gs is 5 months now and they moved out when he was one month old out of our house we can only imagine how little gd must be asking for us and wondering where we are I reccently reached out to her via text asking to take our gd to a waterpark and we were told no and that she was done with us so... .we dont know what else to do , this disease is extremely severe and our BPDs have such hatred towards my h and I .  Not sure if it will ever change the accusations she has made about us in the past and present is crazy and I truly believe in her mind it is all true .  That is the dangerous part of this disease it is so common among the bps as Im sure many of you have been through the same not sure if I have any advice but TRY and take care of ourselves and one moment at a time . Things change so quickly with bps   

[need a break]

we are nc 5 months now but seems forever we have 2 gc and our gd we helped raise since she was born we miss her terribly and our gs is 5 months now      

mggt,

I am so sorry that you can not see your gc.  I am very familiar with the accusations , delusional thoughts and hurtful moments. My D has been abusive for the last few months, years decades and now out of the blue wants to have dinner. Really? Are we just suppose to forgive, be grateful for a whatever scrap they give us and forgive them? I think if I had gc I would take what I could get.
I am so sorry your d is using them to punish you. My heart goes out to both of you.

[qcarolr]

Hi,

My situation is a bit upside-down. I have to ask for space from my DD30. She is increasingly abusive, both verbal and physical. Her strategy is to refuse to leave our house while in her rage. There may be some substance abuse impacting her anger as well. This has been going on, this pattern of needing us - being mostly OK - getting bored - becoming angry dangerous, for about 15 years. The level of danger has risen with greater physical interaction this past year. And she believes all her problems are directly related to what abusive parents my dh and I are. Her harassment is our 'punishment' for this abuse. This is how she states it when we a black. It is also her reasoning about always living near us or with us -- we owe her! 

She thinks of herself as a 'good' mom and blames me for the loss of her two kids - different dads. We owe her for this too. My gs9 was placed in foster care at 5 months and adopted by the foster parents when the case closed when he was about 2. We chose to step back from the requests by the court to adopt him. My gd11 has always lived with dh and I. We got legal custody when she was 18 months, and got the final decree of adoption about 3 weeks ago    I did not think this legal step would change things much, but find it easier to be a parent to gd. I can step away from that small voice of DD in the back of my mind about how she feels about my parenting of gd. ie. that I will mess gd up as much as I did her.

I can love gd with a wholeheartedness that was a bit stuck before the final decree. We chose to adopt her so social security will pay dependent benefits on dh's SSA benefits. He just started receiving those this year.

My heart is so heavy with the losses for you that are blocked from being in your gkids lives. Such a bumpy road we are all on.

qcr Carol

[SCM]

It's been almost four years for me. When I first realized she had taken me out of her life I felt desperate, especially for not being able to see my grand children (3). Now, after almost four years of non communication except if she needs something from me and it will be in a hostile manner, I am beginning to accept the situation. It hurts but the only thing I can do is pray for her healing and restoration, which I do every day. She has also taken her only brother- my son-  out of her life as well and uses accusatory language when referring to him. Very sad indeed.

[Kate4queen]

I haven't seen my BPD son face to face for 4 years and I'm at peace with it. I know where he is, I know he is working, and managing really well but I have no desire to see him-yet. That might change one day, but I'm not sure it will be soon.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

Very long journey for me as well and very sad. When my daughter was 6 her dad left and that's when the trouble started. She took her hurt and anger over her dad leaving out on me and I became to blame for everything wrong in her life.  Sadder yet was that she started making up stories to friends and family members to try to make me look like I was this terrible person. I don't know if she was looking for attention or if she was trying to turn others against me. She was playing me against her dad and vise versa.

As a teenager she was promiscuous. I would talk to her but anything I said went in one ear and out the other. She tried to tell a boyfriend she was pg when I knew she wasn't. She left home at 17 when I found out she was seeing a 21 year old and forbid her. She quit school 3 months short of graduation and she blames everything on me.

I busted my rear for her and her siblings but she had this vendetta against me and she drug anyone that would listen and support her.

She married, had a child, claimed her husband was abusive and left him and was immediately with another man which she became pg with before she was ever divorced. She set a wedding date thinking her divorce would be finalized and it wasn't but the officiant was someone the family knew and went ahead with it and then they were legally married at the justice of the peace.

She has been the type to not speak to me for a year or so at a time and then when she wants support she calls like nothing happened and weasels back into my life and into my trust just to do it all over again.

She has two sisters and for some reason it is very important that she gets everything both sisters have been given and she wants all rules to be the same and if they are not she feels wronged. My youngest is 16 years younger than my oldest daughter with BPD (diagnosed at 18 and then again at 21). I had paid for my middle daughter to visit us in Europe when we lived there and even though my BPD daughter was not speaking to me she wanted that "free" trip to Europe and she weaseled in, was nice, got what she wanted and then the hate started all over again.

She took me off her media page, does not return phone calls or text messages. I sent her son a birthday and money, let her know that it was on its way. There were not thank yous, no acknowledgment, nothing.

At this point I am tired. She is 35 years old now and I see no reason to keep bending over backwards for someone who obviously does not want a relationship with me.

[Confused_iam]

While my son has not been formally diagnosed with BPD, he has all the indicators and also narcissistic personality traits.  My wife and I are currently estranged from him for the second time. He is now 23 and I have not spoken to him since last Christmas.  I guess I should consider it fortunate that he has responded to a couple of emails/texts, although we have regularly tried to reach out to him over the course of this year (normally with no response).

As I read more about BPD I am coming to the hard realization that some of my actions may have inflamed the situation, not fully realizing the most appropriate way to deal with someone suffering from BPD.  It is a hard thing to come to terms with the likelihood that you drove your child away even though you were only trying to encourage them and look out for their best interest.  Things came to a head at the end of last year when we realised he was not following through on his uni studies.  While we sat down and made a plan with him to hopefully do enough study to have a chance of passing his exams, after less than 3 days he rebelled and accused us of being abusive and interfering the whole year (I don't think he ever intended to follow through on his exams).  By the end of the week I had suggested to him that it might be best if he move out as it seemed that what ever support we provided to support him in his studies he just abused and took advantage to enable himself to just play games and skip out on his responsibilities.

In hindsight suggesting that if he was not committed to his studies, it would be better for him to move out is what a BPD sufferer would consider me abandoning him, while all I was trying to do was to ensure he accepted responsibility for his actions.  Paying off his debts and giving him somewhere cheap to live so that he did not have to worry about cost of living issues did not seem to help him achieve the goals he told us he had for himself.   

Everything is so counter-intuitive and at the moment all the  recommendations for getting him to engage back with us feel like we have to be supplicants and cow-tow to his ego.  I struggle to see how this will help him survive in the wider world as while I may accept he has BPD and I can adjust my approach to accommodate what he will be receptive to, the wider world will not.

So I struggle to work out how to support him, and help him to become a fully independent adult, especially when I can't get him to talk to me.

[Huat]

My husband and I are in our mid-70's... .our undiagnosed-but-highly-probable BPD daughter is now 50.  She was only 12 when she ran the first time... .3 more times after that.  When she got too old to run away, the long string of one estrangement after another started... .the adult version of running away.   The last episode lasted almost 4 years and it took news of her father's cancer to bring her around to an apology... .well... .a "semi-apology."  With that said, our current "cease fire" is on shaky grounds.  She has always refused to go to a counsellor with us (especially me, her mom) and the reasons for her blow-ups are never talked about.

I hear what you are saying, Confused_iam.  I, too, look back and realize that I could have done things better in dealing with her... .but when I knew better... .I did better.  In the 1980's we were just dealing with, what was thought, a belligerent child.  After her 2 "surprise" pregnancies while single, we were blessed with beautiful grandchildren to whom we ended up being surrogate parents.  We paid off our daughter's debts, made sure neither she nor the children were ever in want.  In our hindsight, we enabled her a lot... .but grand-babies have a way of grabbing your heart and hindering your ability to use any "tough love."

It sounds to me like you were reasonable in dealing with your son.  You write that you don't think he ever intended to follow through on his exams... .and you are probably right.  You have been the ones jumping through hoops.  The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink"... .sounds like your dream for your son is not his... .or... .maybe it is... .but he wants to take control of his life.  He is 23. 

He is not talking to you now so the ball is in his court.  Be open to any communication that may come from him... .but don't play the part of "victim"... .no begging for his return to you!  That will just play into his hands.  Whenever there is contact, always let him know you love him (you may not "like" him... .but you do "love" him).  Tie up the purse strings... .your money is yours, not his to share... .ever!  When/if he ever comes to you for assistance, you have the right to stipulate conditions.

I only wish that in the early years I had had access to a site like this... .access to information to help me deal differently with my wayward child.  Do your homework, Confused_iam, and look after yourself.  Get on with your life.  You can only change yourself... .not him... .but your change will definitely shift his axis.

I wish you and your wife peace of mind.  Know you are not alone!
 

[donnab]

I came on this board because I am feeling conflicted about my relationship with my dd. I have been semi estranged from my daughter since the beginning of this year. My choice as I was becoming ill with stress and decided I no longer wanted this in my life - it doesn't stop though, just less frequent and once removed. On Wednesday I had one of her *friends* calling me angry because she claimed my daughter had burgled her house, for one reason and another I believe her.

I have had custody of my 3 1/2yo gd since she was 11 months old. I have found it hard to have a relationship with my dd because of the impact of her behaviour (not turning up for contact, behaving inappropriately towards gd, treating me like an emotional punch bag whenever she is upset) and now only have telephone/text contact. Both of us in theory want a relationship with each other, but whenever we arrange to meet up one of us doesn't follow through and it never happens. Usually it's her that doesn't follow through, but in truth I have a feeling of dread leading up to any arrangement and I am relieved when it doesn't happen.

I feel so sad and conflicted because I feel so sad for her and her situation and miss having a relationship with my daughter. I miss the life we had when we were a family unit when she and my son was young, it's like another life now and it's gone. But like I say this is really in theory and feel very strongly that my gd deserves better than a mother who dips in and out of her life and makes her feel upset.

No answers just a deep understanding of the pain involved when you're estranged from your child x

[Distressed Mothe]

I have dealt with my daughter now for almost 20 years. I have done everything for her - babysat my grandchildren from when they were born, bought her furniture, decorated her homes, paid security deposits and utility bills. I had my grandchildren every summer and took them on trips then and during holidays, attended their school functions, took them to doctor appointments. I have cleaned her house and did her laundry occasionally. She divorced her husband 4 years ago. I paid her legal fees, $30,000 and spent hours and hours calming her down in regards to her hysteria about what was going on. I always watched every word that I said to her. She has stopped having any contact with me 3 different times, once for a year.  On top of that, my husband has verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused me for more than 10 years. He does nothing to try to intervene with her. For some reason, she adores him. I finally filed for divorce last summer. She went crazy, wrote me an email telling me that she disowned me and I would never see her or my grandchildren again. They are now 12 and 14. My husband also went crazy and was prepared to ruin us financially. I decided to withdraw the divorce papers. She has assisted him in harassing me. I had to ask my lawyer to tell his lawyer to stop her. Fortunately, we have 2 homes very far apart. He lives near her. It is so hard for me to understand how she can be so evil towards me when I have done so much for her. I am finally beginning to accept that she cannot be in my life anymore. I think about the lovely, kind girl who grew up in my house and just cannot believe what she turned into. I worry about my granddaughters and wonder if they will know how much I have always loved them. I currently am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. My psychologist told me that in 20 years of practice, he has never come across two people in the family being so sadistic to another member.