Whats it all my doing?

[FallBack!Monster]

I got a story to tell and I hope some one is listening.  I will try to tell it in parts so that it isn't ignored, and b/c I don't want to bore anyone with my pain.

This part of my BPD experience, is about where I went wrong.  Not what I did wrong in the relationship. NO! More like, what I did wrong when I thought it would do some good.

Firstly, let me say that I DO NOT think that the bad experience I had with a pwBPD was in anyway bc of my past.  I say that because of a post I read a few minutes ago.  I don't think I brought it on myself.  I was looking for real love and what I ran into was superficial love.  How is that my fault.  It was good while it was good.  I loved the whole experience until about 6 months into the r/s when I starting to noticed what was actually taken place right under my nose.  With that being said, I will get to the point.

I DIDN'T notice that I was being the "protector".  I knew I was being overly protective, as I am with all my love ones; both family and intimate friends.  However, it wasn't until I was all "twisted up in the game" (a line from a movie), that I saw the role I was playing in this unhealthy matter.  I noticed it bc I was the only one fighting for her freedom.  She was with her abuser (full blown NPD family member) pushing against me.  That's what it seem like, all the way up 'til I ended it.

Her teenage daughter... .I knew it from the first day I met her that she was a manipulator. Trying to convince me to make her mother pay for an expensive vacation and she never ever saw me before.  Said she just knew that me and her would be a team.  Guess she never had the pleasure of meeting an assertive adult before. with that sweet innocent demeanor and that baby talk.  I already knew about her bc whenever I talked to my ex over the phone, I would hear her in the background, that's how I knew it was an act. 

to be continue... .

[FallBack!Monster]

Story condensed... .D about to go to college, wears name brand everything and never had as much as a pt job.  The 2 other children in the house, one older and a toddler, including my ex, all dressed like low income people.  But I knew my ex wasn't low income.  She has a high paying job. 

On a daily basis my ex would look as if she was wearing no more than 12-15 worth of clothing; down to the cheap shoes... .thrift shop stuff.  I have bought items from thrift shops too, so no offense to those who do.  She just look very cheap and worn out/faded our all the time.  Like she didn't own a piece of decent clothing.  Her son (21 yrs of age, also lived at home.  In fact, he was the caretaker.  He dressed very simple, tee and bball shorts. I didn't notice name brands.  The toddler, cute as can be but also cheap clothing. 
the other family members also didn't look too rich themselves. No one else but that one 17 yr. old.  Its funny bc except for her, everyone else had a job.  I later found out she was the terror of the house. ( got the idea to write this from a story I read early this morning).

When we first met, my ex and I, she complained a lot about this daughter.  How she was never pleased with anything she did for her.  How she had done everything possible for this child to feel happy and no matter what she does, her daughter just isn't happy.  I felt bad for her.  My kids are so grateful for every sacrifice I've made for them, that even the 16 year old won't accept any help from, me since his brother hooked him up with a job at his firm.  Part time but he's happy with it.

I'm hearing all of her complaints and she said them with pain and anguish. How her daughter doesn't want her to have friends.  She could but only when the daughter was done with her for the day.  After she had taken her shopping, or to treat the daughter and her friends out.  Or if she hug out with me, it had to be a trade off where she would have to buy her daughter's bf a pair of shoes ($250).

last part... .

[FallBack!Monster]

I said all the above to explain how I jumped into the protector mode.  I was only seen what the daughter was doing to her through her.  That she just knew that her life would be so much better, once her D went away to school.  She said she just knew that would make all of them much happier, and she can put all her focus on the youngest.  Through her painful words, I started to feel like I could help her.  Just give her advise on any given situation. Once her daughter went on to college, I could help her better.  But we had just met and she wanted to spend plenty of time with me.  I liked her company so we did.  In fact, I kept her away from spending that much time around he daughter bc she once said to me... .NO LIE, " that's why some people ------ their kids.  I said, No, don't say that.  Tried to keep her distracted from that point on.  Remember, at this point I just think I'm being a friend.  I didn't realized that I had signed myself up to be her freedom fighter.

The above I had learned from the first 2wks into the r/s until about 2 months into it.  At this point to me she's not a nightmare.  She's just a helpless single parent trying to give her children (trophy child) care that she never received; her words to me, exactly.

During the 3 months that I had met her, she constantly went shopping for her daughter who was going away to college and needed everything in the world that she probably saw "all" her other friends have.  Mom is not assertive so she doesn't know how to say ENOUGH!  During this same 3 months, everyone in the house ended up homeless.  Remember, she's still shopping with every check she received.  Didn't pay the mortgage on the house, they staying in a motel for a few days, until a family member picked them up.  Meanwhile, the trophy kid is arriving at college, in style.

Once the D left, she was down for about 2 weeks.  During this time I didn't hear from her.  Then I drove to her house to see her.  She looked a mess.  A week later, she was better than when I had first met her (attaching to me).  She somewhat ignored her D demands for about 2 months after that.  She looked happy and balanced.  Still weird and sneaky, but fun to be around.

It seem to me that whenever the D felt she was loosing total control of her moms finances, she would find a friend to drive her home, but her mom would avoid her. (the D wrecked her car to get her moms attention, bc the mom was hanging out and she wouldn't do as the daughter said)... .COME HOME! I WANT TO GO TO THE MALL.

What I later noticed, is that my ex would ignore me at times a lot.  I would wonder why since when I stopped calling she would boom me with text... .not calls.  I also noticed that if she called it would only be when she was alone driving.  I never questioned it.  Why I did ask was if she was married and cheating on her H with me. 

To cut it short, the sneaking around was bc of the D.  What made it even more weird, my ex had to go back now and then for a dose of that (self harming, & pushing against me fighting for her freedom).  She would get away from it but then she'll start lying to me again, or canceling, bc the daughter wanted to go shopping.  Take up all her time until late night. so that my ex would have no time for herself.  To played on her mother's helplessness, she accused my ex of spending her money on me, that's why she wasn't giving her (said the D). For my ex to prove that she wasn't spending on me, my ex had to leave her ATM car at home, and just travel with $20-$15, when we went out.  Neither one of us were spending on the other.  Except for who would pay the bill for a meal, that wasn't the issue here.  The issue was that I THOUGHT i heard her say plenty of times that she wanted out of that lifestyle bc it was wrong and toxic.  The woman had to make excuses like going to fix the car, or running to the Laundromat to go have a meal with me.  She had a washer and dryer at home.

The issue was that she kept lying to me and hiding to sneak and go see her daughter.  BUT WHY? Now, i think she probably was looking for the same codependent relationship she had with her D, and thought I too would have a problem with her going to see her people.  idk... .

 The issue was that I misunderstood what was happening, until it started to affect my family life.  Since I didn't accept or wanted to be nowhere near her D, she accused me of being jealous of their r/s. huh?  I see it like a drug addict with her drugs. She might not like herself when she's on (D) dope, but she must have it to feel whole.

I decided to join this group today, bc now it is my time to get on with my life.  I learned that you cannot help a grown person on drugs, unless they seek the proper help themselves.  I now know, that you cannot help in anyway a broken soul, they must seek help for their own well-being.  They have to help themselves and many will not seek help.  I now know, that if I had hung around any longer, things could have been worse.  I learned that one day I would think back to this situation and feel indifference.  I'm obviously not there yet.  But I WILL NOT allow myself to be pulled back into that emotional incestuous experienced.

What I saw:
ex: BPD-BiPD /NPD at times
D: full blown NPD

I KNOW IT IS LONG but i hope it doesn't bore anyone... .sorry

[heartandwhole]

Hi FallBackMonster,



I've read your whole post and wasn't bored at all.  I can see why you feel you want to stay away from those dynamics—I would definitely feel the same. I'm glad that you are taking a time out.

How long were you together in total? What kind of contact do you have with your (former) girlfriend?

You mentioned you want to get to feeling indifference. What feelings are you dealing with right now, FallBackMonster? Do you have a support system to help you through this?

As you may have noticed, this site has tons of tools to help things get better. Keep writing, and let us know how we can support you.

heartandwhole

[FallBack!Monster]

Hi FallBackMonster,



I've read your whole post and wasn't bored at all.  I can see why you feel you want to stay away from those dynamics—I would definitely feel the same. I'm glad that you are taking a time out.

How long were you together in total? What kind of contact do you have with your (former) girlfriend?

You mentioned you want to get to feeling indifference. What feelings are you dealing with right now, FallBackMonster? Do you have a support system to help you through this?

As you may have noticed, this site has tons of tools to help things get better. Keep writing, and let us know how we can support you.

heartandwhole

Firstly, let me apologize for the mistake in my title. I'm new here and couldn't figure out how to edit it once I posted. Secondly, you're very kind to say it didn't bore you.  I didn't realize how long it was until I posted by copying and pasting from my word processing program.

To answer your inquiries, we were together for over 2 years. I'm not sure how to define my current feelings but it's very near indifference. We have nc at all. Her doings not mine. I never rely on others, in a way for matters of the heart. I much rather assess, analyze, weigh, accept my choices, then chose the better option. In this case for me, it was to just accept the facts and try to move on.  I do have intimate; (not romantic) relationships in which I have the choice to share what I am comfortable sharing. I'm not alone. Thanks for asking.

No contact but she "accidentally" ran into me at a gas station. I believe that happened b/c, with the exception of my residence, I eliminated all the ways that she could contact me.

To be honest, I don't trust that she accidentally ran into me. I believe she came looking for me b/c by me eliminating all forms of contact, she felt she was losing control.  But I am still holding up. Thanks