Are we just as disordered now

[leew2110]

I know her mind works in a unhealthy way and is disordered.
Yet i wonder what it  says about my/our minds that we miss someone so toxic and unhealthy for us.

I miss someone and think everyday about someone who nearly destroyed me over 10 years on & off together.
i constantly ask myself 'what am i so badly missing?' and cant give a good enough answer to justify her occupying so much space & time in my thoughts when i simply want to not care and be glad she is gone.

Their was a time i was told a friend I believed one night she will plunge a knife into me in one of her rages, yet still i stayed. I ignored all the rages, jealousy, paranoia, mood swings etc and stayed year after year waiting for it to return to the way it was at the start.

so why do we yearn for someone like this instead of just seeing and acccepting the truth about them and acknowledge it wont change within them.

what does that say about my own way of thinking?
it makes me worry my own thinking has become just as disordered as hers now.

do others wonder this?

[seenr]

At times I wonder too but it is difficult to see the wood from the trees when bad times are mixed in with good. I know with my ex we had a lot of fun, great days to be honest but then the lows were crazy!

I think we become like the opposite side of the coin and they know they can spin us at will.

I do think I am disordered but three counsellors have told me I am not. It might be down to a long time moving & shaking with a disordered person?

[woundedPhoenix]

so why do we yearn for someone like this instead of just seeing and acccepting the truth about them and acknowledge it wont change within them.

what does that say about my own way of thinking?
it makes me worry my own thinking has become just as disordered as hers now.

It's an interesting question you raise and i have given it some thought as well.


Are we all equally disordered, don't think so.

But in most cases we came into the r/s with some similar childhood wounds.

And our BPDexes have a built in sensor for outwardly strong yet inwardly broken people, much like theirselves actually.

And how this relationship unfolds is that at first they appear to be healing whats broken inside of you, even things you may not even be aware of.

But as their abandonment fears kick in and they start pushing for control, they will start to break down whatever strength you have still left on the outside and try and shame what's broken underneath.

It's nothing personal, it's their own past and selfloathing just turned towards you.

And we ussually let them do this unaware of our own weaknesses and without any healthy boundaries or self-compassion in place to protect and sooth them.

And because we hold onto the notion that we felt like they could heal us once... .


So we are not disordered, but we may not have grown up in the best conditions possible, and there is a need for us to heal from that.

[Sadly]

Hi Lee and Seenr
I know I am disordered in that I became codependent. However, I wasn't until I got into the relationship with my BPDx and I wasn't in any other relationship that I have had. I cannot contemplate a future relationship because I really truly don't want one. I was and always have been loyal and faithful and because I still love him and want him very much another relationship is not on the cards. I am disordered, but one day I won't be, he will always be. X

[heartandwhole]

Hi leew2110,

I think many of here have codependent traits, which can fit perfectly with someone with BPD/traits. Many of us have FOO issues that "trained" us to use coping strategies that are outdated and ineffective for our adult relationships. Also, some of us have experienced trauma, which adds to the habituation of chaotic environments and relationships. Unlike people without these issues, we don't immediately reject similar treatment by others and unhealthy environments because they feel familiar.

I don't think you have a "disorder." BPD and other personality disorders can engender significant limitations/impairments in the person's life/relationships/health, etc. Of course our unskillful relating strategies can, too, and our behaviors can be just as maladaptive as someone with a diagnosis, but I think the important point is that you are here, on this forum, now, and asking these questions, reflecting on your behavior, and wanting to do whatever you can to change. 

In my opinion that is the healthy response to what you've been through. Many people with BPD get to that point, too, and DO something about it (that was my direct experience). Like them, though, our co-dependent traits/behaviors will not disappear overnight. So, ultimately, disorder or not, the difference is that those who gain awareness and work toward better coping and relationships are bound to learn, change, and grow... .for the better.

heartandwhole

[Ahoy]

I want to reinforce what Heartandwhole said.

I read a LOT of posters on here that seem to have developed a lot of co-dependent traits. When you talk about being disordered, remember that a HUGE hurdle for many with Cluster-B traits is simply acknowledging culpability and accepting he/she may have issues.

If anything, people on this site to this TOO MUCH, taking way more ownership of the problems at hand than needed.

We are here, we are putting in the hard work to heal so no matter how many 'issues' you identify with, I hope EVERYONE is damn proud of themselves for being here and working on self-improvement.

[GreenEyedMonster]

No, I don't think we are.

Read up on human attachment.  Attachment is a very complex phenomenon.  You can't really undo attachment to people, even if your experience with them is very negative.  Attachment is not intellectual or conscious, so it's not a matter of what you think or believe about the person.  If an individual once brought you comfort and safety, it is likely that when you seek comfort and safety again, you will think of that person, even if you were not always comfortable and safe with them.  That's just the way the human brain is wired.  Missing our exes is really a very normal experience.

However, I think it's entirely possible that some of us might be suffering from relationship-related PTSD, which has a lot of overlap with some personality disorders.  It's different because it arose in adulthood rather than childhood, though.  I have been treated successfully for PTSD in the past and I can tell you that the process is much less complicated than dealing with a personality disorder. 

[seenr]

I read this and thought about it.

I recently met a lady I was going out with for a long time. I told her about problems with my disordered ex and she told me I was being very hard on myself. She said that while her & I were together, I treated her very well and she had not met anyone as nice as me since. We split 8 years ago, more so her decision, but I was comfortable with it.

Last year I bumped into a lady I dated for 3-4 months a few years ago. By my own admission, I treated her badly. I ended it and could have handled it all better. But on a chance meeting on a night out, she told me I was a really good guy. She has got married and has kids since. But she spoke to me for a couple of hours and I could tell from her that she still thought highly of me. She complimented me on my appearance and we said goodbye on really good terms.

Contrast totally to my disordered ex; When I gave her 3000 dollars to spend as she pleased, she blamed me for purchases she made. She hit me, she screamed at me, got her daughter to laugh at me and she belittled my family. She seemed to blame me for things that happened before I came into her life. When I tried to hold her, be there for her and love her, she would often interject by mocking my voice, mocking my clothing, shoes or just do something to stop me in my tracks.

Three exes - two who speak very highly of me, one who doesn't. It is the one who doesn't whose words are in my mind all the time. And as one of my friends said 'don't let her into your f*****g head she is making you believe things about yourself that we know are not true'.

So, maybe not disordered, just wounded and in dire need of healing.

If anything, people on this site to this TOO MUCH, taking way more ownership of the problems at hand than needed.

We are here, we are putting in the hard work to heal so no matter how many 'issues' you identify with, I hope EVERYONE is damn proud of themselves for being here and working on self-improvement.

[ICantFixHer]

I've been in contact with my ex BPD girlfriend the last 24 hours, just emails. I have to see her for the last time in a few hours when I go retrieve the rest of my personal belongings still at our old house.

Anyway, the last 24 hours of email contact, I flipped everything on her.

She was concerned I had written to an old friend of hers asking for advice; I did, of course, write to an old friend of hers a few weeks ago looking for some kind of closure.

But I have denied it all to the skunk. She said she knew better, had proof. I told her, as she told me of her cheating, that even if I did write to someone, it didn't mean anything to me, there was nothing physical.

I simply started responding to her as a BPD would. It started to drive her crazy, like her lies did to me. She BEGGED me to admit I'd sent an email and I refused, instead telling her it was all in her mind, I have always been here for her, she is looking for reasons for problems that don't exist, she is insecure, etc.

Eventually she sent me print-screens of my conversation and I told her how pathetic she was for creating bogus Facebook posts in my name.

I kept this up for a few more emails then she stopped responding.

When I see her this afternoon (with our landlord there to keep an eye on things in case the skunk starts spraying) I am going to act like my old happy self, as if nothing is wrong. I got a cool new haircut so that will throw her off too (she hasn't seen it yet). I absolutely know skunk is going to be boiling underneath the surface she will have to maintain in front of our landlord.

*I* am ending this on *my* terms. After today there will be absolutely no pragmatic reason to ever contact the skunk again. Every thread that tied us together is gone.

I feel good knowing I am at least leaving her in a state of confusion over my BPD-inspired responses to her concerns over the last 24 hours. I wish I had thought of this years ago.

[Tobiasfunke]

No, we always have been. Now we just see it. To put up with the nonsense for so long and then to miss them now that we are out. It will pass but not soon enough.

[hurting300]

I was checked. No disorders except anxiety. Labels are used way to much. Apparently if a cheats on Facebook the word narcissist is thrown up. Yes if you are in an abusive relationship then you are going to be on edge and "broken" for awhile. The thing is, I can look at my ex now and "oh my god what was I thinking". Now she couldn't pay me to go back. What's odd is I looked like it was my fault. She didn't rage or scream at me. She lied A LOT. And she was really secretive and sneaky. After a while I lost it on her and called her every name in the world. Does that make me disordered or pushed? It's never your fault that you was abused and mistreated. Stop believing that. It's not my fault I met a  manipulative liar. It is however my fault that I stayed but that does not ever make me disordered

[hurting300]

Hi Lee and Seenr
I know I am disordered in that I became codependent. However, I wasn't until I got into the relationship with my BPDx and I wasn't in any other relationship that I have had. I cannot contemplate a future relationship because I really truly don't want one. I was and always have been loyal and faithful and because I still love him and want him very much another relationship is not on the cards. I am disordered, but one day I won't be, he will always be. X

Me too! I have never been Co dependent until her.

[StayStrongNow]

This is a great post, thank you all. As I think about everything she has done to me including DV, the fact that she hates me with a passion, blamed me for everything, publicly trashes me, she has discarded me and now has a replacement lined up for marriage; so what person would still be thinking so much about someone who has so severely rebuked them?

Is it a love addiction? A sex addiction? A glutton for punishment? All of the above, none of the above?

But I still have a thread of sanity left. I hear a voice whispering after I think of times before the nightmare, the once I thought to be happier times, the hundreds of photos and memories of places with happy smiles and laughter, the scores of cards of I will love you forever, ... .always, then back my mind goes to this miserable pit I am trying to crawl out of and that whispering voice gets louder and says "do you really want her?"

And if I truly have a disorder, how come I am doing so well in maintaining a full time job and having full custody of my children basically raising my three young children on my own? It is not easy, you need to be on top of things all the time.

I think the disorder times were when I did not know and only suspected she had BPD. I went through times in a fog starting to question myself. Now armed with the knowledge this site and other sites have empowered me with, I see how she really is and unfortunately will most likely stay.  I need to stay strong now so I can continue to protect my children.

I am getting more mental clarity the more I read these posts. I relate to so many here. I miss my wife, but to me, she died, I don't know who this other person is. I not only have the support of family, friends and sites like this, I have another thing that is deterring me from attempting a recycle even though it could not happen now, I view her multiple mug shots on the Internet.