Saw my BPDex This Morning

[FlyFish]

I saw my exuBPDgf this morning while driving to work. I live in a somewhat small town and stopped at a red light early in the AM while crossing Main Street. Well, lo and behold she was stopped at the light right across from me. Nobody else was around. She waved at me. I played it off as if I didn’t see her and ignored. I have been strict NC with her for about 10 months after a devastating and confusing breakup (everyone here knows how breakups involving a BPD go). She has tried to reach out to me to “Catch Up” but I have ignored ignored ignored up to this point. However, I still get extreme urges to contact her and that urge has been elevated this morning. I still love her. Hey at least there was nobody in the car with her, that would have probably triggered me into a bad place. Haven’t posted in a while but figured I’d throw this out there. I might reach out to her today. Need to stay strong.

[Sadly]

Stay strong FlyFish, if you managed to ignore the pull in her presence you can ignore it in your head. I long for the distance you have. 10 months seems like a lifetime to me. 

[Meili]

My only advice on breaking NC is to be sure that you are strong enough to handle the outcome no matter what it is.

My personal experience with breaking NC was that I was not as ready as I thought I was to deal with my x. Having a nice reminder of who she really is was a good thing though, ultimately.

[FlyFish]

Sadly... .I'm sorry you are hurting. Healing from these breakups is one of the most challenging things you will do in life. It does get better. I hope you find strength.

Meili... .I can say that I'm in the best mindset since the breakup. Obviously, I still get triggered just by seeing her in passing so I'm not completely healed. I don't know if I will ever completely heal from the hurt that was inflicted. If truth be told I still have not let go of the hope that we can make it work. In order to fully heal I need to let go of hope. That is hard for me right now and may lead me to contact her.

[Rayban]

10 months of NC takes a lot of will power and mindfulness.   I  could tell you from experience it's not only not worth it but the fallout will be more painful.  

I think seeing her and not acknowledging her made you feel  some what guilty.  You are probably ruminating on what the result would have been had you chosen to speak to her. Don't.  Just look back on what made you go NC to begin with.

Any chance she stalked you to know you cross that intersection at a given time on a regular basis?

[Meili]

I understand about the hope. That's what led me to contact my x. Even after the reminder of what she's all about, I still harbor some hope of things working out. So, yeah, I get that.

But, as Rayban pointed out, the pain can be greater now. It will trigger past memories, and if she hasn't changed at all, you'll have new ones on top of the old ones and the cycle will continue.

So, if you do decide to reach out, just be careful and remember that if she does/says something bad or mean, don't personalize it. It isn't really about you anyway.

[myself]

So, if you do decide to reach out, just be careful and remember that if she does/says something bad or mean, don't personalize it. It isn't really about you anyway.

It's also questionable about taking the 'good and nice' things personally.
Because if that was really meant, why such 'bad and mean'/distance/etc?

It says a lot that when you saw her, you kept going. Moving forward.

[FlyFish]

Hi Rayban... .10 months is a long time. I'm honestly surprised at myself that I have stayed complete NC during this period. When we broke up I would have done anything to get her back. I do not feel one ounce of guilt towards ignoring her. Non whatsoever. She knows why I'm ignoring her and she knows it is for legitimate reasons. What she put me through is unacceptable I don't care if you have a disorder or not. That does not mean that I don't think about the "What If's" though. What if there still is a chance? What if she wants to reconcile? What if she wants to acknowledge her faults and seek help for them? It is the what ifs that I dwell on.Right now the biggest reason I can give to not contacting her is that I have now idea what to say. I get nervous just thinking about it.

I do not believe her to be the stalking type. I do cross that intersection at the same time every workday morning. She may have been able to figure this out but I don't think she is that type. Not a worry of mine.

Meili... .I do not wish to open old wounds. I will not take anything she says personally. In fact it will probably be me the lashes out at her if anything. I'm not angry by nature in fact it's an emotion I suppress. I suppressed anger throughout my r/s with her. But seeing her now I may not be able to hold back.

Myself... .I believe you are right in taking the good and nice things personally too. She texts me a couple months back wanting to "Catch up" with some very convincing words. I ignored even though I am still susceptible to her allure.

[Meili]

I think that many of us can also relate to not being angry by nature, suppressing it, but completely feeling it with regard to our pwBPD.

Normally, when someone mentions wanting to reach out to their pwBPD after a period of NC, they get asked what is the motivation behind wanting to reach out, and whether or not they are prepared for any of the infinite possible responses. Have you considered these?

[Rayban]

Hi flyfish

Thé reason why I brought up the stalking possibility is that much like yourself I'm in close proximity with my Bpdex, I work with her, and in periods where we weren't communicating, she would conveniently appear in the parking lot,  or in a spot where she would be able to see both exits to the building. 

Face to face with her was always difficult to resist.  I would end up going home with her. 

Maybe your ex is trying a more direct approach.  It's a small town, and she's probably gotten wind that you are moving along with your life. You've become a challenge for her.  Getting you back into the fold, would be major validation for  her.

I did the angry approach with her. I spilled my guts only to have her play more games.  My BPDex knows she has issues, but she is constantly enabled and sees no reason to change.  If your's hasn't gotten any help reconnecting with her will only make things worse.

[Flutterby32]

Luckily, my ex is in another state attending school. We still do have a house that we used to live in, and that I still need to get some things from. So I worry about her showing up at the same time as me and there being awkwardness. So far I have been able to avoid this by having my lawyer contact her lawyer to make sure she is not going to be there when I am.

There are some mutual friends/acquaintances who I would like to reconnect with, but I am afraid to as I am not sure how much contact she still has with them.

She was already talking about staying where she is going to school after she finishes her degree, so she may not be around much anymore. Still, I sometimes worry about running into her.