BPD/NPD False Accusation, Threats, Response & Risks

[EmpathyBoy]

Hi all!

My father is an aging uNPD in his 70s that if anything has been getting worse each year and my sister is a middle aged uBPD still living off my father's finances at his house and has never been financially independent or stable.  She has no job and has been a perpetual student for 27 years without earning a single degree.

There is a high likelihood that my sister's escalations over the last few years have all been related to money or my father's will and inheritance to some degree.  This is important as my father's health wanes it may trigger more of this and I need to deal somehow.

I have not even visited my family home and have nothing of mine there (not a childhood picture or trophy) since over 3.5 years.  I have no contact with my sister after an earlier event where she banned me from Xmas for no reason and caused a family split on the matter.  I used to have lunch once a month with my father, but he stopped that last Oct when my sister got upset he was "normalizing" our relationship and should punish me for her list of my many sins.

I was okay with the non-contact as my father made those lunches difficult at least half the time trying to argue my sister's odd and twisted accusations on stuff from years ago.

Recently about a month ago they escalated things because some mail of mine showed up there and one time some company called there looking for me.  I have not used that address in years, but I forwarded my mail directly to my new place so they would not have to deal with the triggering trauma of an occasional letter.

I thought that would be the end of things for a bit.  I went out of town on a business trip, which was extended to 2-weeks.  My mother, likely not thinking told my father both when I left, when I returned and the country... .far too much info.  I had sent a father's day card and gift card and brief, but vague email about me being out of town.

The next morning on my first day back, after a 25-hour straight day of travel and 6-hour time change I get this odd sounding voicemail... .typically vague, sounds like someone might be in the hospital or something serious.  I call back and the accusation is that I stole a Windows DVD from my father's house.  My red flags were right as I first commented that he sounded like deep throat or a CIA agent in his odd message when the accusation came out.

I had little patience for the ludicrous claim of me being a petty thief and listed all the crazy things I was also not responsible for before hanging up.  Not the best handling of a trigger-happy personality, but I was tired and not up for their games.  Later on in the day I sent a more balanced email explaining I had nothing to do with my father's computer for years and wanted him to stop harassing me over silly things and making them sound like someone was seriously hurt.

There was still some sarcasm in the email, not as much, but a little including comments regarding who stole his sock or underwear, but it was apt.  This of course triggered a long wordy email with accusations a) through h) and h) only then getting to this DVD thing that now threatened to involve the police.  I spoke to a friend and sent a more neutral BIFF response clarifying I did not even use that version and hoped it would end.

Of course it did not and a few days later in the middle of the work-week I got another email, but did not notice until the weekend as I do not monitor the one my father and sister has as frequently.  This one escalated the accusations of me as a thief and implications of me lying for years and such.  I got an accusatory voicemail on the weekend threatening more vague relationship ending or family threats from my father and called him back.

For some reason I thought my reasoned discussion with him would help him see just how crazy and petty the accusation was.  How he had zero proof, I had zero motive and could easily buy or download a copy if I really wanted too.  I have no idea if anyone stole the DVD or my sister made it disappear.  No apology of course, but the next morning I sent a follow-up email with an alternative possibility that perhaps someone just activated the same code with a pirated copy (they claim Microsoft said someone activated it elsewhere).

Now I get another voicemail and called him back and they want me to take a polygraph (aka. "lie detector" to prove I did not steal this DVD.  I got upset at this ridiculousness and told him off while my sister (the clear source of these accusations) screamed in the background that I stole it and she has "proof".

I worried I was too strong in my response and my sister and father are dangerous if provoked and called back and said I would have lunch on the weekend to discuss the matter (father only).  I am not certain what else to do.  Apparently a polygraph is at best 50/50 for an honest person and it costs $500 over a DVD worth far less.  Even if I could pass it, agreeing to such craziness seems indulging them too much.  I need them to stop and leave me alone.  My sister has no limits to the type of stuff she would do and harassed me at work at a previous job.

There is obviously no proof of something I did not do, but equally impossible to prove I did not swipe this DVD 4-years ago.  I do not want to get caught up in their web or crazy, but also do not want them to escalate this.

Any ideas of how to handle this and them?  I have maybe 4-days to decide what to do and need ideas. 

Note that a BPD/NPD combo is extremely dangerous combo and although my sister has little power, my father has many friends in town (possibly on the police) to escalate things with false accusations or claims.
   

[Panda39]

Hi EmpathyBoy,

There is a saying on these boards and that is "don't validate the invalid".  Why argue with your dad about something you didn't do?  Especially when nothing you say will change his mind?  It sounds like he and your sister are trying to engage you particularly since you had put some distance between you and them. They want your attention and negative attention is just as good as positive.

Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) particularly when the accusation is invalid because that only pulls you into the drama... .into a circular argument that just goes round and round with no resolution. I know it's hard when you are being accused of things you haven't done but try not to pick up the bait that your dad and sister are throwing at you.  You know you didn't take the DVD so why argue about it... .it's not worth your time or energy.

Below are some links one on JADING, one on circular arguments and one on the Karpman Triangle that might help in understanding some of the dynamic between you father, sister and yourself.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I hope you find the information helpful.

Panda39

[jdtm]

What to do - Nothing!  No calls, no e-mails, no replying to messages - voice or digital, no visits; in fact, "disappear.  I like to say "one cannot reason with one who can not (meaning incapable of) reason".  At least this way you know why everyone is angry with you - because you are doing NOTHING.  And gaining some peace in your life.  And just moving on ... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

EmpathyBoy

So sorry about the situation with your family.  You have had a tough time of it.

There is a high likelihood that my sister's escalations over the last few years have all been related to money or my father's will and inheritance to some degree.  This is important as my father's health wanes it may trigger more of this and I need to deal somehow.

Do you know who is named as the executor of your father's will? Hopefully, it won't be your sister or a co-trustee situation with you and your sister.  Is you father mentally competent?  Who is named as medical power of attorney and financial power of attorney for your dad?

Your sister might be having some FEAR OF ABANDONMENT.  My uBPD sister really turned on the BPD traits when our parent's health started to fail.  I wasn't aware of BPD at the time, and couldn't figure it out.  I was the one who went to therapy (not her, nothing wrong with her, ), and that is where I learned about BPD, read the book, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" and then ended up here.

I think I saw in an earlier post of yours that you live in Canada?  I can't imagine any police dept. opening up a case relative to one software license within a family. (even if your dad knows them).   Even if you dad had the power to influence some type of police investigation, they would have to find the software on your computer, with the license # in question.  

I had little patience for the ludicrous claim of me being a petty thief and listed all the crazy things I  Later on in the day I sent a more balanced email explaining I had nothing to do with my father's computer for years and wanted him to stop harassing me over silly things and making them sound like someone was seriously hurt

I agree with Panda39, don't validate the invalid.  They are trying to intimidate you.  I would set some BOUNDARIES and put them on NC status for the moment, and put it behind you. Your last email is a good place to end the communication on this subject.  I'd Block the calls, block the emails.  Let the accusation die on it's own.  

[EmpathyBoy]

What to do - Nothing!  No calls, no e-mails, no replying to messages - voice or digital, no visits; in fact, "disappear.  I like to say "one cannot reason with one who can not (meaning incapable of) reason".  At least this way you know why everyone is angry with you - because you are doing NOTHING.  And gaining some peace in your life.  And just moving on ... .

That was what I was planning on doing, but when I ended the initial call on the "will you take a polygraph test (he falsely called it lie detector)" with saying I was going non-contact for at least the summer.  I spoke with my mother, who while not ideal she does know them and was afraid that leaving off on that note might trigger a greater response.  I agreed to have essentially one last meal on the weekend with my father.  I have nothing else to add except ask about how he is being treated and his health really.

[EmpathyBoy]

EmpathyBoy

Do you know who is named as the executor of your father's will? Hopefully, it won't be your sister or a co-trustee situation with you and your sister.  Is you father mentally competent?  Who is named as medical power of attorney and financial power of attorney for your dad?

My sister got my father to name her as both executor and she has full durable power of attorney.  According to my understanding is that she will likely take all the money regardless of what the will says unless I fight with a lawyer and her current moves all seem related to getting my father to change his will leaving her everything because I am a bad son or something... .adding pointless stealing of a DVD to the list.

I got the eggshells book around here among others.  When my father dies, my sister will be very alone having alienated many family and friends.  Police situation seems ridiculous too, but I would not put anything past either of them since they threatened to do that over a Facebook post my aunt did 3 years ago (seriously) regarding my sister's behavior.  They never pulled the trigger, but my father harassed everyone about it endlessly.

EmpathyBoy
I agree with Panda39, don't validate the invalid.  They are trying to intimidate you.  I would set some BOUNDARIES and put them on NC status for the moment, and put it behind you. Your last email is a good place to end the communication on this subject.  I'd Block the calls, block the emails.  Let the accusation die on it's own.  

Should I cancel the lunch I agreed to?  I figured I would change the conversation to my Dad's health and my sister isolating him and potentially engaging in senior or elder abuse and telling him to talk to his brother about things since he is not listening to reason from me.  She sounds like she has taken complete control of his life and house and is treating him poorly.  I hope that going NC after a more positive approach might reduce the triggering a bit, but I could be kidding myself.

[EmpathyBoy]

Hi EmpathyBoy,

There is a saying on these boards and that is "don't validate the invalid".  Why argue with your dad about something you didn't do?  Especially when nothing you say will change his mind?  It sounds like he and your sister are trying to engage you particularly since you had put some distance between you and them. They want your attention and negative attention is just as good as positive.

Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) particularly when the accusation is invalid because that only pulls you into the drama... .into a circular argument that just goes round and round with no resolution.

I thought I was ending the discussion with each interaction.  I probably should not have sent the last email as it provided an alternative EXPLANATION to my father's my son or everyone is a petty thief theory.

I realized that it was at least likely that the DVD was still misplaced in the house and the activation was more likely someone activating a pirated copy with a coincidental same code in China or something.  He claims Microsoft told him it was activated at 4 am EST, which makes no sense, but 4 pm in China would.  Plus at least partially I felt I was owed an apology and since it was at least possible the DVD was still at the house if he looked, I suggested this alternative.

I also wanted him to understand that the motive for stealing any software DVD is almost zero these days since you can much more easily download a cracked or pirated copy online if one wanted to.  I also wanted to warn him to get his credit card information off the computer in case it was related to hacking or Trojan.  He and my sister are not as careful as they should be with the computer and their information.

They want my attention?  Possibly, but I think the other theory on here that my father's ailing health is triggering my sister both in terms of her BPD and her obvious plan to get everything left to her in the will and potentially take control of my father's estate early with power of attorney.

She's been a perpetual student for 27 and for about 20 of those years, my father has provided room, board, food, car and insurance, spending money, tuition, books, entertainment, additional medical stuff... .at least $500-$600K minimum at this point now with my sister contributing $0 to anything.  Any time she had a minor part time job that money was considered extra spending money for herself.

Her plan seems obvious, have my father works all the way to the grave paying for her living and then take the rest and try to squeeze at least 20 more years out of his estate holdings before having to consider a job.  Even though he is NPD, it is a tad disturbing he does not see this clearly or maybe he does... .who knows.  It seems like they are looking to create some excuse for this and really a DVD is the best they can come up with?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Should I cancel the lunch I agreed to?  I figured I would change the conversation to my Dad's health and my sister isolating him and potentially engaging in senior or elder abuse and telling him to talk to his brother about things since he is not listening to reason from me.  She sounds like she has taken complete control of his life and house and is treating him poorly.  I hope that going NC after a more positive approach might reduce the triggering a bit, but I could be kidding myself.

Hey EmpathyBoy:
I wasn't aware that you already had a lunch scheduled with your father.  It has to be your decision as to whether you go to lunch or not.  Holding to your boundary, that the topic of the ":)VD" is closed for you, will be an important one.  (no JADE behavior).  Enforce your boundary when it is first mentioned and indicate that you won't discuss the ":)VD" any more and that you came to lunch with him to discuss how his health is and that you are interested in his welfare.

If for some reason, you don't enforce your boundary immediately about the ":)VD", perhaps you may give one BIFF response (Brief, Informative, Firm and Final), and then leave the lunch with saying something like, "I'm sorry that you aren't ready to put the DVD discussion behind you.  I'd love to have lunch with you at another time, when we can talk about other things".

Here is a little more info about the  BIFF RESPONSE.  BIFF stand for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. The acronym BIFF was coined by lawyer Bill Eddy to use with high conflict people.  I recently purchased one of his BIFF books.  You can find it on Amazon.  The link above, to an article on this website, will give you details of the technique.  The author of BIFF, also, wrote the book, "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes".  I have both books.  

Regarding your dad's estate, what would you estimate the dollar amount to be?  :)o you know or think that you dad currently has you mentioned in his will?  Has your dad ever expressed any concern about your sister handling his affairs in the future?

[EmpathyBoy]

Hey EmpathyBoy:
I wasn't aware that you already had a lunch scheduled with your father.

Well he ended up suddenly refusing to meet until he finished his "investigation" implying it would take another week or something.

Regarding your dad's estate, what would you estimate the dollar amount to be?  :)o you know or think that you dad currently has you mentioned in his will?  Has your dad ever expressed any concern about your sister handling his affairs in the future?

Well I called it... .literally a little over 24 hours after refusing brunch or lunch, my father sent an email I only noticed tonight that somehow claimed to try and convict me of this DVD theft on zero evidence, no motive or opportunity and... .I am out of the will and of course all the money goes to my sister.

It said a lot of awful things that sound like pure BPD or NPD projecting and some of the word phrasing sounds like my sister and not my father.  Like "aforementioned"... .a word my father would never use.  His mind has been seeming to get weaker, so can a strong BPD manipulate a weak NPD and be considered senior or elder abuse?

All she had to do was make a single DVD disappear and she gets all his money?  Plus he added he was excluding me from his life too like a stole a kidney or something.  Even more ridiculous  it claims that "lie detector's" aka polygraphs are "90% accurate" and even if I passed one he would not believe it.

The whole email sounds ghostwritten by my sister.  She has power of attorney too, so she can take control as soon as the will is changed if it is not already.  Mind you I saw this coming more than 4-5 years ago when she kept asking me to take more of my stuff out of my Dad's house including stuff stored in the garage taking little space.

Should I do anything?  I need peace and perhaps she needs his money and he is too much an aging NPD and needed a crazy excuse to do what he was going to do anyways.  They would make something else up next to justify this as the crazy twisted list they have been building based on lies and half-truths.

Sigh... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi EmpathyBoy:   

So sorry about the recent events with your father.  Just wondering if there is a way you can get some impartial input from someone, as to the state of your father's mental capacity?  I think you mentioned a brother (your uncle)? Are you on good terms with him?  If you are, perhaps you can contact him and express your concern. If his brother is of sound mind, perhaps he could convince your father that he is being irrational.

Are there some other trusted persons that you can contact, who have been in touch with you dad recently (a relative, friend or neighbor)? Just throwing out ideas.  You will probably need someone else to substantiate any claims that your father is being abused.

Has your NPD dad always been a bit paranoid?  If so, does it appear to have gotten worse? The whole DVD thing is rather odd for a normal person to carry on about, but perhaps it is typical behavior for your NPD dad?

One option would be to make a report to a local agency that handles elder abuse complaints.  The more information you could provide in a report, the better it would be.

You could consult a lawyer who specializes in elder law, but that would likely get expensive.

Do you think that your sister drafted the email and sent it from your father's email account?

[Fie]

Hello Empathyboy,
I don't  know where you live, but where I am you cannot just take your children out of your will. There's always a (big) so called 'reserve' parents owe their  children when they die. This rule has been installed more specifically for situations where one of the parents remarries and wants to disowe his children in favor of the new spouse.
You might want to get some legal advice  on that.

You mention 'perhaps she needs his money'. That might be true, but I can imagine you also do. She could also just look for a job. Of course it is personal, and you also mention that you want peace. If it were me, I would think I am just as much entitled as she is (perhaps even more, as she took advantage already). It would not be just about the money, but also about fairness. But as I said, maybe you just want to let it rest.
Maybe you want to try to forsee your feelings concerning all of this, for in case he actually will die. Will it give you peace, knowing that she has everything and you have nothing ? Or will it on the contrary activate strong negative emotions in you, feelings of having been treated unfairly (and having done nothing against it) ?