How do you know when enough is enough?

[Fraggle12]

Hey all
I don't expect there's really an answer to this but I keep asking myself over and over again. When you've made a promise, for better or worse, how much worse does it have to get before you can rightly say, do you know what... .I didn't sign up for this!
Last week he went out and got so drunk, he fell out of the taxi near our home and into a dyke filled with black slimy stagnant water. The taxi driver ran to the house to the house to get me. I wanted to say NO, he's not my husband, call the police but I didn't. He weighs 25st and was so drunk he couldn't walk. I eventually got him in, whilst all the time listening to him hissing and swearing how much he hated me! As well as having to deal with all of the obvious mess, (and the embarrassment of all the neighbours witnessing this!)  he twice fell out of bed and peed all over the bedroom floor! Admittedly this is the worst of many many drunken incidents but they are definitely getting worse and he's just stormed out again, after trying unsuccessfully to do some DIY. I know he'll have gone to get drunk and I don't think I can cope with it again but I just don't know what to do I loved this man so much but I'm not sure i do any more. He's not the man I thought I married and its making me so very sad.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hlinthewiking]

You seem to be passing thru the early stages of the Kübler-Ross model, denial and anger. I'v cycled thru that model several times myself.

It's normal to become frustrated in a relationship like this, but no one will be able to tell you how much you can take, only you know that, you are not crazy, you have reason to disturbed by this behavior, you have three options, maintain as it is, try to confront and make a change and you can leave.

Unfortunately leaving is the only option where you are in full control of the situation, you are dealing with someone ill, you will depend on him if you want to be with him, but you can change yourself and how you act and accept or not how he acts.

[Herodias]

I suggest you go to alanon... .It really helped me. You have to choose what you are willing to live with. Mine did this stuff all the time. I put up with it for way too long. I actually made him wear diapers to bed! Eventually the peeing in the bed happened rarely. The going out and getting into trouble usually would stop him for a little while until he came up with a reason to do it again. Really, they have to want to change. Mine never did... .he wanted me to accept him that way. If he is still doing this now, I do not know. He has a child now and he acted like that was going to control him... .I highly doubt it. It is a numbing thing. They seem to hate themselves and go out and self sabotage. Go get help yourself. You can't expect him to do it if you won't. P.S. I didn't expect worst of the worse either... .there is a fine line on what you are supposed to live with.

[waverider]

Ditto to the suggestion for ALanon. It wont fix it but it can steer your mindset in the right direction to ward off a lot of the frustration, that stops you getting anywhere.

When is the time for "enough is enough"?

The answer to that is anytime. However, the biggest difference is to how YOU come out of it at the other end. If it is a result of some immediate overwhelming crisis, then it is harder to get over it and move on. This leads to future anger, frustration, guilt, a whole lot of "what ifs" and potential to recycle the whole thing again.

If you have done everything to the best of your ability, with the appropriate tools, and with the right intentions, you will reach an educated decision based on the big picture and a higher level of acceptance. It will make it easier to move on in a more healthy way, and less likely you will be over on the Coping boards venting angrily.

The Staying boards are about trying to work things through from inside the relationship with best intentions, to reach that point where you have done your best possible, so you can make clear decisions on your future. Success is about working all this out and reaching the right decisions, whatever they may be.

I am sure everyone here has felt like screaming " I am jack of all this  " That is human reaction, and normal. But you dont base you life on a reaction.