Dumped/abandoned by the love of my life [Part 3]

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My final email seems to have been a very good idea. She sent a reply saying it would be her last contact and said she respected that I saw this to be the best path forward for myself. She even apologized for her lies and said that she can be a "gutless person" and that she was sorry that I had to be the victim of it.

I'm glad that she responded so quickly so that I can now move forward. I can't explain how good it feels to know that I am headed in the right direction even as much as it hurts to be dealing with the pain of this experience.
Mod Note- See also:
Part 2
Part 1

[pjstock42]

My final email seems to have been a very good idea. She sent a reply saying it would be her last contact and said she respected that I saw this to be the best path forward for myself. She even apologized for her lies and said that she can be a "gutless person" and that she was sorry that I had to be the victim of it.

I'm glad that she responded so quickly so that I can now move forward. I can't explain how good it feels to know that I am headed in the right direction even as much as it hurts to be dealing with the pain of this experience.
Mod Note- See also:
Part 2
Part 1

[drained1996]

From experience, there is a good chance she will contact you in the future.  You may want to block her email and phone to protect yourself.  By future, that may be 2 weeks, it may be years, but history tells me it's more than a possibility. 
Have you stumbled onto the Radical Acceptance lesson yet?

[drained1996]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

[rfriesen]

PJ,
It's been a big help for me also, to read your story as you go through these early stages. Thank you for sharing so openly.
It's good that you have confirmation that your decision was the right one, and that you feel certain of moving on and taking care of yourself. I've found it's been a long, slow process coming to a balanced view of my ex and I still feel my mind working on it, though thankfully with less and less spinning in circles. Like you, I held onto those moments, particularly near the end, when her dark side came through clearly - the callousness, selfishness, the lies, the lashing out and wanting to hurt me, the sudden change of moods - to settle the question in my mind, i.e. to know with certainty once and for all this person isn't for me and then to reshape my mental image of this person.
Often enough, memories will still flash of the great times we shared, the laughter and love, the pure carefree feeling of living absolutely in the moment with her. And that hurts and still shakes me sometimes. But never my decision - my decision to move on is made. And it's kind of amazing to look back over the last four months now and see how my picture of her has filled in. From seeing her as this gift of love with some painful flaws to seeing her as this cruel, incomprehensible, selfish monster ... .to bouncing back and forth between all kinds of emotions and different perspectives on our relationship ... .to now where I still have some moments of rage and see her in a very negative light and moments of love when I almost see her in that original perfect light, but overall see a person who came at me with a tremendous burst of love and who I shared amazing moments with but who can be horribly selfish and internally tormented and externally cold and who doesn't want any help to change at this point in life. It can be very hard with our exes to hold all sides of their personality together at once. That takes time and distance.

Basically, it's a hell of a painful process, but if you're sure of your decision and let yourself feel your emotions as you move forward, then you'll come to a more balanced view of your ex and the situation. I'm not saying at all that you'll view your ex the way I view mine -- after all, for all the similarities in some of their behaviour, they're completely different people. It's important just to let your emotions do their work and not be afraid to feel them. That way you won't be left with bitterness or fear to carry into future relationships (as in the red pill-ers, that world of wounded male horrors ... .if you don't know what I'm talking about, all the better), and you'll feel incredibly proud of yourself for having walked through all this with dignity and class. I hope this week is still looking up!

[pjstock42]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

This article is amazing, thank you so much for posting it. I feel like this came at the perfect time when I am mentally ready to practice acceptance whereas if i had read this a week or so ago, I probably would have stopped midway through because I wasn't there in my mind yet.

rfriesen, thank you for your insights on how you view your ex and the ups and downs that you go through in shifting that view. As I mentioned earlier, the recent email from her yesterday that was nothing but demonizing me and blaming me for everything that went wrong really helped me to change my image of my ex as well. Despite the good times, this was was always destined to happen with this person and nothing I could have done would have prevented it from happening eventually. Even though I wasn't the one to hurt her or to lie to her or to end things, I still did feel a bit bad reading her final message agreeing to go no contact. She sounded very defeated and down on herself, and it's tough to see someone who you care about feeling like that. However; I have to bring myself back to reality and remind myself that she caused this and even though I tried to fix it, it wasn't going to work. The article posted by drained explains these feelings very well in terms of wanting to solve a problem but if you can't, having to force yourself to accept reality because there is nothing you can do about it. Of course I wish that things had played out differently but it was beyond my control and I gave everything that I had to fixing the problem(s) but now I must practice acceptance and move on with my life, even though it isn't the ideal situation that I'd like to be in.

I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night so today has been rough but I can at least easily relate the difficulty of today to my lack of sleep and I definitely do not think it is the same 'drained' feeling from my mind running in circles all day anymore like it has been for the past couple of weeks so I am thankful for that. I hope your week is trending upwards as well, I look forward to staying in touch with you and reading your experiences as you are further along in this process than I am.

[pjstock42]

Definitely feeling the loneliness and general sense of being on my own tonight. Trying to not force it to be a bad thing but it's difficult to do so. It also probably doesn't help that I had 3/4 hours of sleep last night so I will probably get to bed soon.  I hope people don't mind me keeping this topic going but it has become a very peaceful and comfortable place for me if that makes any sense.

[drained1996]

Get some rest Pj, it's time to take care of you.  We are here anytime, but it's up to you... .to take care of you.

[pjstock42]

I don't know if this thought process that I am going through this morning is healthy or beneficial to my healing process but I just wanted to vent this out because it's definitely dominating my thoughts right now.

Basically, what I've done is try to envision a world where all of these same things happened but with the roles of my ex and I reversed. So let's say that I got into a relationship with a girl and things got really serious. I told her how much I loved her and how we would be married some day. I end up getting a job in some out of the way location and then convince her to move in with me and co-sign a lease at a place down the street from my new office. A month in, I get a job back in the city and out of nowhere, I tell her that I'm moving out and I don't want to be with her anymore. After she explains how much she means to me, I tell them that I will stay but I begin to secretly scheme a plan with my best friend, covertly texting him all day every day about how I'm going to get out of this. In the meanwhile, I'm spending all of my time with my girlfriend, telling them how happy I am and how much I love them. Eventually, my plan comes to fruition and hours after sending a sweet text to her about how I miss her, I have my friend drive down and help me move out while she is at work, notifying her of this through a simple text message. Eventually, she emails me and it devolves into me telling her how awful of a person she is, how she didn't treat me well etc. etc, never once saying that I had any hand in the relationship ending. I continue on with my life doing whatever I want, leaving her behind to figure out the jointly signed lease, pay the full rent and figure out moving once again.

I suppose this is where we are fundamentally different, or where I can assume that I don't suffer from BPD traits because there is absolutely no chance that I could do any of the aforementioned things and ever live with myself having that kind of guilt and remorse in my head. I'm basically just saying that I could never do the "grand finale" discard process and I may never figure out how someone could do so to me.

Again, not sure what the purpose of these thoughts is but it helps to type them out and read them over.

[Wize]

Hey pj. I hope your morning is going well.  I think a lot of us here appreciate you sharing your experience with this breakup with your pwBPD. Please continue to be open and honest with what you're going through. I can tell you that the shock wears off and the pain dulls.  And a very nice little bonus as you begin to move through your healing is an elevated sense of self, self esteem and self understanding.  Basically, these relationships and subsequent breakups force us to grow.  

I'm not done with my healing yet, I've got a ways to go but I can already feel the increased personal fortitude this experience has brought to me.  The longing and painful feelings do come rushing back to me in the evenings but my day is no longer dominated by thoughts of her and the associated pain.

You are doing the work, you're processing, you're feeling your emotions and letting them wash away, you are putting in the hard time and it will absolutely pay off.  I think you know that.  If not, you will very soon.  By not repressing these things that we feel, we are able to heal faster.  And don't forget; be kind to yourself, don't rush the process and understand that you're not going through this alone.  We are here for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey pj-

there is absolutely no chance that I could do any of the aforementioned things and ever live with myself having that kind of guilt and remorse in my head.

So take your reversed world vision a step further, and imagine you'd have not only guilt and remorse, but shame, the big one, in your head about everything, not just this event.  What would you do?  Well, constant, debilitating shame is impossible to live with, so assuming you decide to keep on living, you'd develop psychological tools that are so good the negative emotions just go away, you can't feel them.

So imagine that, imagine blaming someone for something that wasn't entirely their fault, maybe not their fault at all, we've all done it at some point, but we kind of know that even if they accept the blame, it was still kind of our fault.  Now imagine blaming someone for something, doesn't matter if it was their fault or not, but doing it so effectively that you literally can't feel any blame, any guilt, any shame.  Blissful yes?  And that's projection, only one of the tools, honed so well that they completely work.  And when someone can do that to that extreme we call it mental illness, so here's where your reversed world vision no longer applies, and if she exhibits significant traits of the disorder like that, yes, you are fundamentally different.

[pjstock42]

Hey pj-

there is absolutely no chance that I could do any of the aforementioned things and ever live with myself having that kind of guilt and remorse in my head.

So take your reversed world vision a step further, and imagine you'd have not only guilt and remorse, but shame, the big one, in your head about everything, not just this event.  What would you do?  Well, constant, debilitating shame is impossible to live with, so assuming you decide to keep on living, you'd develop psychological tools that are so good the negative emotions just go away, you can't feel them.

So imagine that, imagine blaming someone for something that wasn't entirely their fault, maybe not their fault at all, we've all done it at some point, but we kind of know that even if they accept the blame, it was still kind of our fault.  Now imagine blaming someone for something, doesn't matter if it was their fault or not, but doing it so effectively that you literally can't feel any blame, any guilt, any shame.  Blissful yes?  And that's projection, only one of the tools, honed so well that they completely work.  And when someone can do that to that extreme we call it mental illness, so here's where your reversed world vision no longer applies, and if she exhibits significant traits of the disorder like that, yes, you are fundamentally different.

Thank you for your explanation.

I suppose that a big part of this journey for me is looking inwards at myself and trying to understand how my life got to this point. It's easy for me to understand that I could never do what she did to anyone because I would not be able to live with myself. What is not easy to accept, is how did I fall so deeply into (what I thought was) love with someone who could do what she did so easily? I know there's my ignoring of the red flags that at the time I didn't realize were red flags at all. I know that manipulation and deception were skills of hers that she was immensely adept at. I know that I went into this with nothing but the best of intentions but I guess that is where I come into mental conflict again - how could I put so much into something that ultimately served no purpose other than to destroy me?

I know that I'm just thinking in circles here and it won't get me anywhere. Projection really is the key to this as you said and that is something that I have been trying to remember. All of the love, togetherness and compassion that I experienced with her - I know now that it wasn't real but I suppose I can be happy that it stemmed from me making it plainly obvious that all of these things were important and real to  me if that makes sense?

I really do feel like I'm detoxing from a powerful drug and it isn't easy. I've said this so many times but what continues to plague me is how the person that I thought I knew could so quickly and effortlessly become the person who has reduced me to being in constant mental anguish.

[fromheeltoheal]

I suppose that a big part of this journey for me is looking inwards at myself and trying to understand how my life got to this point.

Nice pj!  That's one of the steps to detachment, shifting the focus from her to you.  Another one is shifting the focus from the past to the future, although there is grieving to do, this is a significant loss, plus lessons to learn, the gift of the relationship.

What is not easy to accept, is how did I fall so deeply into (what I thought was) love with someone who could do what she did so easily?

Great question!  Most of us were blindsided by mental illness, something we may not have had any experience with and certainly weren't expecting, and that's that, something you weren't responsible for and can forgive yourself for pretty easily in that light, although the benefit comes from looking at our own behavior under stress and duress, or just not paying attention, to see what we can take from it that will benefit us moving forward.

I know that manipulation and deception were skills of hers that she was immensely adept at.

Because she has to be.  Think about someone who must attach to someone else to feel whole, to feel like they exist at all, but who feels so poorly about themselves that if they were open and honest you would surely leave.  Given those conditions, manipulation and deception are the only choices yes?

how could I put so much into something that ultimately served no purpose other than to destroy me?

Another great question, again letting yourself off the hook for not knowing she had a personality disorder, but taking what you need from the experience to make your future brighter.

All of the love, togetherness and compassion that I experienced with her - I know now that it wasn't real but I suppose I can be happy that it stemmed from me making it plainly obvious that all of these things were important and real to  me if that makes sense?

Yes it makes sense, and also know that you proved you're capable of it, and the key now is to learn whatever lessons are there, so some future healthy girl will get the benefit of a wiser you whose even more capable of those things.  Not everyone is, like people with personality disorders, although they fake it very well.

I really do feel like I'm detoxing from a powerful drug and it isn't easy.

Very common around here, and it's helpful to look at the difference between love and addiction, as we detach and grow.

[pjstock42]

I think that I have entered into the full throngs of straight up depression. Obviously this is self diagnosed based on nothing other than how I am feeling so keep that in mind.

I wouldn't say I feel hopeless but there is a bit of that. I miss her, a lot & I know that will take time to recover from. Basically, I am having almost the same thought patterns that I've been having since this happened but now instead of having manic highs and lows, I'm pretty much at a steady low. I haven't been breaking down and needing to cry or get away from people in lie in bed, the feelings come & I process them and basically just feel completely numb & dissociated from them. It kind of feels like nothing matters anymore, even though I know this to be untrue from a logical perspective.

Even though this isn't a fun feeling, I will definitely take it over the roller coaster that I've been on for the past couple weeks because it is at least predictable and stable. I feel like this is something that will be easier to climb out of eventually compared to the extreme highs and lows that I was experiencing all day before leveling out.

[drained1996]

Yes PJ, this is part of your journey.  Are you sure you're not a clinical psychologist?     I feel for you having to endure this process as it can prove debilitating for many, but you seem to be handling everything as well as can be expected.  When you pass me on the road to being a better you, grab my hand and pull me with you if you would... .

[pjstock42]

I wanted to mention one other thing in regards to the hurtful email that she sent a few days ago before instating NC in which she painted me as such a terrible person.

Without repeating part of my story again, I moved in with her to a place that she picked in a remote area far away from where I enjoyed living before and very far away from my place of work. This was of course because her new job was down the street from this place and I really wanted to do something to make her career transition go smoothly. Since I was 19 years old, I've always loved living downtown in a city and have done so up until this point. I enjoy being in the middle of things and being able to walk anywhere whenever I feel the need to. This place was anything but that and is a true "suburban" setting where the only way to get anywhere is by car.

Her first discard attempt, as I mentioned, came when she got another new job a month in (back in the city) and it was no longer convenient for her to live out in the suburbs. In the email that I spoke of to open this post, after telling me that I was too superficial, that I was a misogynist and that I sexually degraded her, she had the audacity to tell me that she "hated living in our new area" and that she "didn't feel alive". So basically, she picked the place, I moved there, she bolts with no warning and skirts the responsibility of the co-signed lease, leaving me behind to pick up the pieces and then she has the nerve to tell me that she didn't like the area that we lived in. Unbelievable.

This is another thing that has helped me begin to detach because it is just such an arrogant an uncaring way to talk to someone who you just screwed over massively. One of the video series I've been following on youtube talked about how it is common after the discard to endlessly stew over thoughts of "why don't they want me?" I did this and I suppose that I still am doing this to an extent but the youtube video went on to say, flip the question around - do you want them? I thought this was such a great way of explaining things because clearly I want nothing to do with a person who has it in them to treat someone like this. These kind of little things have been a big help through this process and I just wanted to share my thoughts on this.

[pjstock42]

double post sorry.

[fromheeltoheal]

I think that I have entered into the full throngs of straight up depression. Obviously this is self diagnosed based on nothing other than how I am feeling so keep that in mind.

I wouldn't say I feel hopeless but there is a bit of that. I miss her, a lot & I know that will take time to recover from. Basically, I am having almost the same thought patterns that I've been having since this happened but now instead of having manic highs and lows, I'm pretty much at a steady low. I haven't been breaking down and needing to cry or get away from people in lie in bed, the feelings come & I process them and basically just feel completely numb & dissociated from them. It kind of feels like nothing matters anymore, even though I know this to be untrue from a logical perspective.

Even though this isn't a fun feeling, I will definitely take it over the roller coaster that I've been on for the past couple weeks because it is at least predictable and stable. I feel like this is something that will be easier to climb out of eventually compared to the extreme highs and lows that I was experiencing all day before leveling out.

Feeling numb and dissociated is a normal reaction to the extreme highs and lows you were feeling; your body and psyche shut down a little bit to lend some stability to the proceedings, so you just don't feel anything, high or low.  All part of the grieving process, and the key is to keep feeling, as much as you can, the only way out is through, and being sad, but not debilitatingly sad, is part of healthy detachment.

Me, I entered that stage and thought I was done with her, that and my belief that it would take a few months to get over the relationship and I'd be back to my life.  Nope.  It took the better part of a year, and I confess I used a tried and true method to avoid feeling for part of that, I just ran really fast, fast enough to outrun the emotions so I didn't have to feel them.  Not recommended.  Waste of time.

[pjstock42]

heel,

I'm glad that this is a normal part of the process but I'm also sorry that it seems to be dragging on so long for you because I can already tell how much of a drag it is.

I did want to mention one thing in regards to a phase that I may have missed / unknowingly skipped? I've always heard that anger is a part of this process but throughout all of this I haven't felt or expressed any anger at her, at myself or at anyone. I'm not an angry/animated person so maybe this plays into it? I know logically that there are things that I should be angry about but not once have I punched a wall / wanted to send her a nasty message / want to plot revenge on her or anything. Is it possible that I missed this phase just because of who I am or is it possible that there is repressed anger building inside of me that could explode? The latter of those two cases scared me because I can't remember the last time I was genuinely mad about something other than inane stuff like sports... .

[drained1996]

 , that too will come with time, though being familiar with you and your situation I'm guessing any anger will be tempered/short lived if there is any at all... .though I'd lean towards expecting some.  You didn't have the push/pull and recycles many of us experienced... .your world was pretty much all good... .until it wasn't.  So while many of us have literally thousands of memories of bad times, you really only have a few.  This in no way is to downplay how you feel, as your end result is the same which is having your heart ripped out of your chest.  Your pwBPD cut your heart out with one swing of an axe, while a lot of us had our hearts cut out little by little by a spoon.  I hope that perspective makes sense, and I hope you understand I'm not trying to minimize your experience and say mine and others was worse, the paths to the same ending were just different.  I really wish an axe was involved in my path... .f***in spoon hurt!  Of course, I'd give her water, food, love, and compassion while she was digging the spoon in deeper.  Stupid me... .

[pjstock42]

, that too will come with time, though being familiar with you and your situation I'm guessing any anger will be tempered/short lived if there is any at all... .though I'd lean towards expecting some.  You didn't have the push/pull and recycles many of us experienced... .your world was pretty much all good... .until it wasn't.  So while many of us have literally thousands of memories of bad times, you really only have a few.  This in no way is to downplay how you feel, as your end result is the same which is having your heart ripped out of your chest.  Your pwBPD cut your heart out with one swing of an axe, while a lot of us had our hearts cut out little by little by a spoon.  I hope that perspective makes sense, and I hope you understand I'm not trying to minimize your experience and say mine and others was worse, the paths to the same ending were just different.  I really wish an axe was involved in my path... .f***in spoon hurt!  Of course, I'd give her water, food, love, and compassion while she was digging the spoon in deeper.  Stupid me... .

This makes total sense and I don't see it as minimizing my situation at all.

I again remain so grateful to have found all of these resources when I did because it made me clearly reject all of the post-discard attempts of my ex to want to "meet up" or "stay in touch". If I didn't have all of these resources and knowledge, I probably would have jumped at the chance to see her again and it would have only hurt me more in the long run. I'm sorry you had to go through that push/pull recycle phase as I'm sure it was incredibly painful and dragged out the misery much longer.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi pj-

I'm glad that this is a normal part of the process but I'm also sorry that it seems to be dragging on so long for you because I can already tell how much of a drag it is.

That was years ago for me; I was with her about a year and it took about a year to get over it, a pretty common timeframe around here, although there are no rules for that, it takes what it takes.  Only part of that was about her though, most of it was me dealing with things I'd been avoiding and/or in denial about forever, with the resulting personal growth being the gift of the relationship.  That all started once the fog cleared and I had some major What the heck moments, like what the hell was I doing?  The answer is long... .

I've always heard that anger is a part of this process but throughout all of this I haven't felt or expressed any anger at her, at myself or at anyone. I'm not an angry/animated person so maybe this plays into it? I know logically that there are things that I should be angry about but not once have I punched a wall / wanted to send her a nasty message / want to plot revenge on her or anything. Is it possible that I missed this phase just because of who I am or is it possible that there is repressed anger building inside of me that could explode? The latter of those two cases scared me because I can't remember the last time I was genuinely mad about something other than inane stuff like sports... .

The stages of grieving are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, not necessarily in that order, for me anger came at the end.  Not necessary to get hung up on it, maybe you'll get pissed, maybe you won't, the point being to just feel whatever you're feeling, don't block or suppress anything, and anything you have been repressing will bubble up if you let it.  I'd been repressing anger for a long time, and when I finally got pissed off at my ex, after I'd left her, it kind of unplugged a cork and I got angry at everything for a while.  Fine really, some people are full of sht and need to be told so, but it's tempered with time, and sometimes anger is an appropriate response, especially towards folks who insist on busting boundaries, for example.

There's also the detachment steps over there ------------>
that you might find useful; I'd say you're somewhere between 1 and 2 right now.

[pjstock42]

Thanks heel.

A year seems like such a long time to go through this... .My relationship was about 1.5 years and I can't imagine myself struggling with this for so long. Not because I'm arguing that it takes however  much time is needed but mostly because I just don't want to be miserable for that long hah.

Did you find that re-engaging/recycling really made everything drag on for much longer?

When I try to think positively about it, I'm actually incredibly lucky for this to have happened when it did. I do believe in God and I honestly think that he caused this in my life to avoid even worse pain down the road. She has done this in every relationship that she's ever been in and she's in her 30's, if she hadn't done it now - she would have done it eventually when things would be more complex. I can only imagine going through this when you not only have multiple years put into the person but also stuff such as a house and god forbid, children.

I am inspired by the self growth that you mentioned growing through and I'm very excited to see what my results are from this process in terms of personal maturity. I've looked at those detachment steps on the side here many times, I can't explain how heavenly #5 sounds but I am a long way away from achieving that.

[fromheeltoheal]

Did you find that re-engaging/recycling really made everything drag on for much longer?

No, when I was done I was done, no recycles, and she stopped trying to contact me after about 9 months.

When I try to think positively about it, I'm actually incredibly lucky for this to have happened when it did. I do believe in God and I honestly think that he caused this in my life to avoid even worse pain down the road.

There you go, whatever belief system you subscribe to, when we find positivity within that system we're on the right track.

She has done this in every relationship that she's ever been in and she's in her 30's,

So that was a red flag yes?  How did you make that OK at the time?

I am inspired by the self growth that you mentioned growing through and I'm very excited to see what my results are from this process in terms of personal maturity. I've looked at those detachment steps on the side here many times, I can't explain how heavenly #5 sounds but I am a long way away from achieving that.

One foot in front of the other my friend, and make sure you feel everything... .

[pjstock42]

Oh man, your question about how did I make that red flag ok at the time... .

I am going to sound like a complete moron here but I legitimately bought every story she had about her exes and why things ended and took her side about all of them. I literally believed that she was some kind of victim in all of these instances and (facepalm) I believed that what we had was different because we were "really in love" and "meant for each other"... .

Yikes this is embarrassing to admit but that is the actual thought pattern that I had at the time, what a fool I was.

[fromheeltoheal]

I am going to sound like a complete moron here but I legitimately bought every story she had about her exes and why things ended and took her side about all of them. I literally believed that she was some kind of victim in all of these instances and (facepalm) I believed that what we had was different because we were "really in love" and "meant for each other"... .

Yikes this is embarrassing to admit but that is the actual thought pattern that I had at the time, what a fool I was.

Well, first cut yourself some slack, borderlines absolutely MUST attach, and playing victim, oh poor her, all those mean men, is a great way to elicit sympathy, while also convincing you it will be different with you, all part of the mirroring and attachment process.

And then, you didn't feel like a fool at the time, so there's the personal growth happening.  Rejoice!

[rfriesen]

Oh man, your question about how did I make that red flag ok at the time... .

I am going to sound like a complete moron here but I legitimately bought every story she had about her exes and why things ended and took her side about all of them. I literally believed that she was some kind of victim in all of these instances and (facepalm) I believed that what we had was different because we were "really in love" and "meant for each other"... .

Yikes this is embarrassing to admit but that is the actual thought pattern that I had at the time, what a fool I was.

To paraphrase your own words, oh man, can I relate to your feelings, PJ. What took me a long time to wrap my mind around -- and I'm still working on it -- is that my ex also legitimately believed that she was a victim of her past relationships and that I was different. That's why she volunteered so much about her past cheating, about losing interest in every guy after 7-8 months, about how cruel and insulting she could be to them by the end. The expression "fools in love" has taken on a whole new meaning for me - or as my ex put it to me in an email a few weeks ago, "at this time last year we were stupidly in love". She's not lying, however brutal and incomprehensible her subsequent behaviour may have seemed to me. And she wasn't lying all the times when, sobbing hysterically, she would say "I thought you were different. I thought you'd be the one to last." My ex was actually capable of deep, vulnerable sincerity. It's consistency she wasn't capable of. As soon as her sobbing fits were over, her defences would kick in and she had no interest in exploring how her behaviour contributed to our dysfunction. She wanted me to be the one to last, but she could not bring herself to do much of anything to help me be that guy.

So, yes, it's embarrassing. And I remember how for weeks my mind fought against letting me feel the full force of that embarrassment. This was the case with many emotions -- embarrassment, anger, bitterness, sadness, depression, ... .My mind would race around spinning out stories of how the relationship with my ex played out, as a way of deflecting the full force of feelings like embarrassment, feelings of "oh man, that's when I fell hard for that idea that I was different and would rise above it all like no other guy did or could." I would blame her expertise in manipulation, her ability to lie to my face, etc etc, all of which had a grain (or pound) of truth -- but really I was stopping myself from facing the fact that she was also very open, told me a lot of difficult truths, and I chose to believe I was different. I played my part there and, yes, accepting that came with a heaping dose of feeling embarrassed. The positive is, I'm now less scared to feel embarrassed in front of myself. I can see myself in that light, and still see myself as a whole person, the good and the bad. And often the good and the bad come together -- I'm embarrassed in part because I was naive and trusting. Those aren't bad things. I don't want to go into other relationships suspicious and guarded. But you can be sure that if I start seeing someone who tells me how she's cheated on everyone in the past, I'll have a few gentle questions to ask her whether she can help me understand what that was all about, and whether she's in a different place now (not just with a different person).

I am four months out from the final break-up and far, far from done processing the relationship. I went through at least two months of the deeply depressed feeling (months 2 and 3 after final break-up) and I still feel generally down most of the day. But have noticed definite momentum in the past month, not always steady, but I'm slowly gaining confidence that this progress is taking hold. Part of the turning point for me was committing to feeling fully, with as little deflecting as possible. My therapist helpfully and gently noted one day, "we all tell ourselves stories. It's ok, we have to. But they're just stories, and sometimes they get in the way." I kept trying to tell myself the story of my relationship with my ex -- the arc of it all, the reasons why it could never have worked, the reasons she was too messed up to have an adult relationship, the ways my mistakes and weaknesses weren't great but didn't make a real difference in the end, ... .on and on. Not that my stories were wrong and false. Just that my mind was spinning them out as a way to stop from feeling the full force of emotions I needed to process. And that's fine. You need that too. We also have our defence mechanisms and you can only process so much at once. And, like you, I'm not an angry person. Never explode in anger or even raise my voice at someone else. But after about three months, I started letting myself feel the anger I had. And I tried to connect it to very specific things my ex had done. It helped me sort out what I had genuine reason to be angry about from things that made me feel inadequate or lost or hurt or ... .other emotions that made more sense in response to specific aspects of the relationship. Letting myself feel anger was helpful in letting myself feel my whole range of emotions and connecting them to specific aspects of the relationship.

As I mentioned in another post, I've done my best to stop worrying about time. Time is your friend now. Take as much as you need and don't worry about it. Obviously easier said than done when you're being hit by painful emotions, or feelings of emptiness and depression. But I think you'll find over time that your mind will stop racing, you'll feel your emotions more fully, and slowly your energy and attention will once again become available for other things.

[rfriesen]

Your pwBPD cut your heart out with one swing of an axe, while a lot of us had our hearts cut out little by little by a spoon.  I hope that perspective makes sense, and I hope you understand I'm not trying to minimize your experience and say mine and others was worse, the paths to the same ending were just different.  I really wish an axe was involved in my path... .f***in spoon hurt!  Of course, I'd give her water, food, love, and compassion while she was digging the spoon in deeper.  Stupid me... .

Ha, this image with the spoon made me laugh! Thanks for that, drained - it sure helps to laugh at ourselves too, when we have the chance

"Cut out little by little by a spoon" is really a good description of the experience ... .

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It's crazy how similar some of the things you said are to what happened with my ex, like really eerily similar to an extreme degree... .

I agree that I played my part in everything but I'm also trying not to be too hard on myself because I went in with legitimately good intentions. Even though it was stupid of me to ignore the red flags, the image that she was projecting back at me was one of loyalty, togetherness, teamwork and general love - all of which I think came from her knowing that I wanted all of these things. I'm not trying to make myself sound like some kind of saint but I do believe that intentions play a huge role in everything and mine were definitely heartfelt and genuine whereas hers were fueled by manipulation and control.

The moments of deep sincerity thing happened to me almost exactly as it did to you. She would come to me and open up about something that had happened, cry in front of me and seemingly make herself so vulnerable. Yet after every instance of this, she would almost immediately become stone-faced and focused on blaming someone for the way that she felt rather than looking inwards and pondering how she may have had any role in how she was feeling.

Reading up on the process of triangulation was a big help for me in understanding why certain things happened as they did. A few months in, she would come to me breaking down in tears almost every day about how controlling her sister was and how the relationship stressed her out so much yet I was never allowed to interact with her sister. In the end, the script was flipped and it was her sister who she was complaining to me about for reasons that were fabricated and never brought to my attention as they would be in any normal adult relationship.

I'm definitely doing the same thing that you did in terms of attempting to rationalize things through my understanding of her condition. At times it helps but I also know that it does suppress certain feelings that need to be worked out so I am trying to be better at fully experiencing those emotions even though it's not fun because otherwise they will stay stuck inside of me forever. It's honestly hard for me to imagine myself being angry/mad at anything but I'm hoping that if those emotions are inside of me somewhere, that I am able to experience them rather than hold on to them.

I really like what you said about time and as hard as it is for the emotional part of my brain to understand, it's true that I'm in no rush to do anything which is a good thing. I don't need to fully heal to 100% right now or at any specific point of time. I want a girlfriend again but I don't need to rush into something just to replace some void that was created by my mind in the first place.

Talking with you guys here is really so therapeutic for me, thank you so much for your continued input on this stuff - it means more than you realize.

[drained1996]

Hey PJ,

Have you made any inroads into finding a therapist?   
Thought you might like to read a little of Nutari's experience.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295859.0

[ICantFixHer]

how could I put so much into something that ultimately served no purpose other than to destroy me?

PJ, I thought about this quandary a whole lot during my isolation here in the mountains. Especially recently when the truth hit me, that the entire interaction was a sham designed by the exBPDgf to justify her abandonment issues.

You and I walked away, we are not anywhere near being destroyed. Confused, used and abused? Heck ya, but we're not destroyed. Just taken aback, shocked.

We are way, way smarter and stronger for this painful experience. I'm actually looking forward to when I start dating again because I am going to have a systematic plan in place from day one. Watch and ACKNOWLEDGE red flags is the 1st thing, then as we get to know each other, her childhood experience will be examined a bit, then her recent relationships. I am going to be a lot, lot more wary and careful who I invite to live in my home.

I really hope I meet a nice NON some day, it would be so gratifying to live the actual based-in-reality wonderful trusting life like the one the ex used to promise whenever I had doubts about her.

Dude, you are totally going to be fine, I know it. You know what's up, you can explain things now. That means you'll move on. Don't set time limits, in a few weeks, months, the memories will fade. So stoked we found this resource, and AMAZED this resource exists. Thank you bpdfamily!