Preserving the possibility of a friendship

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

This "saving" board was been really helpful back when I was hoping to get together with my BPD ex. It didn't work out, sadly, but we did have a few lovely if difficult months of reconnection. We broke up fast and painfully at the end of this period because 1) I was moving and she decided that she didn't want to move with me and 2) we were trying an open relationship and she got very attached to the other person-- I had a tough time with it, and she ultimately broke up with me.

I'm needing to detach of course but I also would like to eventually be friends with her. I've been staying NC unless she contacts me. I know the general thing is to "be the person she first was drawn to" and I know she would rather me initiate contact and be not too dramatic about the whole breakup but I'm not quite there yet. Any thoughts or ideas?    

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey kc, it may be unrealistic to attempt to maintain a friendship after a b/u with a pwBPD, because it is likely that you will be painted black and blamed for the b/u.  In my view, it's definitely do-able after a b/u with a Non, but unlikely with a pwBPD.

LuckyJim

[kc sunshine]

I know it is unlikely, and perhaps even unwise, but if one were to do it, what would be a viable approach?

[kc sunshine]

Right now we are at a place where she wants to meet and hang out and catch up. I'm still at a place where to hear about her new love affairs would be very difficult for me, so I'm trying to avoid getting together and actually get out of town as much as possible. Do you all think it is an okay approach or counterproductive, since I'll be moving in September? 

I know it is unlikely, and perhaps even unwise, but if one were to do it, what would be a viable approach?

[livednlearned]

Right now we are at a place where she wants to meet and hang out and catch up. I'm still at a place where to hear about her new love affairs would be very difficult for me, so I'm trying to avoid getting together and actually get out of town as much as possible. Do you all think it is an okay approach or counterproductive, since I'll be moving in September? 

I know it is unlikely, and perhaps even unwise, but if one were to do it, what would be a viable approach?

It's good that you know how you feel going into the friendship, and know that hearing about her new relationship will be hard for you. Can you put into words what you mean by "hearing about"? Does that mean you do not want to hear any mention of the person?

Going forward, the challenge is to have boundaries that you are willing to assert, while also being ok with the consequences of asserting them.

Ideally, you would explain your boundary and then assert it when/if she breaches it.
"Hey, I'd love to get together and catch up. Can we agree to table any topics to do with your new relationship for now while I get myself where I need to be? I'm still a bit raw here." Then, if she repeatedly talks about her new person, you might remind her of your boundary and end the meeting to take care of yourself. 

If that seems too challenging, you might want to arrange a situation where you can easily end the meeting if you feel it's getting too difficult.
"It's been great seeing you. I have to go milk my goat and pet my goldfish in a few minutes. Maybe we can do this again when you're up for it."

Something like either of those seem doable for you?

[kc sunshine]

Yes, both seem possible. Thanks livednlearned for those scenarios-- it really helps to have them spelled out like that. What I said this time, was that it was still too tough for me to see her, but hopefully we can get together when I get back in a few weeks. Hope that was okay... .not the cool cat I would like to be but maybe okay for now.

[livednlearned]

Whatever boundary works is a good boundary 

[kc sunshine]

In the sense that it is both clear and self-protective? Or something else?

Whatever boundary works is a good boundary 

[livednlearned]

In the sense that it is both clear and self-protective? Or something else?

Whatever boundary works is a good boundary 

In the sense that you take care of yourself, and know what is and isn't ok for you.

[Lilyroze]

Whatever boundary works is a good boundary 

Love this so much thank you livednlearned. I have a quote wall, this is going on it. I needed to be stronger with boundaries.

I recently learned that when you have been a care taker or co dependent in trying to help, or even had a BPD or NPD parent that you either didn't enforce boundaries or when you did people made you feel guilty for having been upset or higher ones. It is due to the fact you would get upset as most times were going above and beyond. People with BPD or NPD never see that, it is always about them and what can you do for me now.

KC,

I think whatever is best for you. If you can remain friends great, just remember you are on the road to healthy, healing, looking within, and growing so you will value the friendship, confidentiality, memories and caring.

 Until she is willing to look within, grow and do some work she might not be able to give you back as much as you are giving or value you, the way you want. As long as you now know that, and are fine with that, then do what you feel is best.

On the path to friendship just keep things authentic for you, self love, self respect, self introspection. You are learning and gaining so much of your power back, keep that, while trying to be friends.

If that works fantastic, if not and you need to be LC or NC for your own piece of mind it is not failure it is the journey and game of life. You want to win the game for you.