Scared, Creepy and just plain need help

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

On top of the chaos, drama and rages my UBPD has done over the past couple of years. There is a strange creepiness that has invaded my home and my family life.

I have had healthy past relationships where I could still be friends to a point, or asked and cared about each others lives even in ending relationship. Not with this one.

My UBPD went off deep end a couple years ago, projection, rages, craziness the works. I thought due to health problems, then thought he had been drinking which was not him and still wouldn't admit ( caught him at it). Then thought the stacks he was taking ( ephedrine). I guess I made all kinds of excuses as I couldn't get out of the FOG and fear he had us all in.

He never called during week to ask about us or my son, or email him or made any reasonable conversations.

He threatened me when my Grandmother died, snuck around doing creepy things in the bushes with his IPAD talking to people.

Would say weird things like the store no longer carries potatoes. He had to drop off groceries for awhile as he wrecked two cars, and mine. He would call me from store and say they have no potatoes and milk. Until my son finally said call the store. I did, that embarrassed him and he stopped pulling that.

Now onto the really creepy that is still bothering me. He didn't live here during week, but KNEW everything my kids and I said, or I talked to others. I mean word for word. Now I am a professional, so have nothing going on in my home or family life I am embarrassed about or worried about. It just hurt the lack of privacy, invasion of privacy, and just got scarier and scarier.

I have kept this in, but is really hurting my heart lately and health. Hard to tell people, as don't want to seem accusing, suspicious, and well what do you say.

He would get a smirk on his face and say things that were only said here to kids or kids said to me. Even conversations I had on phone. Many times nothing about him, just things... .my words came back to me word for word. Including what I finally was going to present him with doing for the divorce or my other home ( I paid for myself).

If I tried to approach him about our needs here, health, car whatever he would rage, scream yell, it was all my fault. Ignore and go on and on about his newest need, crises, etc or hang up, throw phone, rage uncontrollably. Until I was in tears, or screaming back as had some serious needs at that point I just wanted to address for us to move on.

He would rage and scream. Reason he is mad is something I said many years ago in his mind. I think to justify his affairs, his cheating, his whatever. But he could rage, scream, yell, still can and it is all my fault. If you bring up, then that is something he said last week, or I pushed him.  

He has no access to the home any-more. But still knew or knows everything.

I have had my phone lines cut, phone company confirmed ( he said he did it weed whacking this was quite awhile ago). Now denies it. My car was deliberately damaged. I thought... .no... .until my sons and a couple people, ( and family) pointed out too coincidental.

I found out he was taping people at work, pointed out against law to him and he said he could do it. He was taping on his work IPAD. He admitted to stalking and spying, at work, in name of supervising. I gave up trying to talk about work years ago, if there was any problems, if I gave help or solutions then I was to blame for not taking his side. I took his side many years and thought he was wonderful... .He has threatened to kill people at work to me, his boss. I asked what boss thought... .he laughed and said he knows how I am.

He does have a disability ( physical so he probably will never lose his job).

I am trying to not be part of his chaos, get everything done to be done.

I can be fine then this past weekend he calls raging... .I am LC but tied to him until some-things can be resolved.

It is hard for me to put myself first. Even now don't want to bother anyone here. I am so stressed and in tears with this all. Getting heart test tomorrow as in so much pain, and other test showed some health concerns. I haven't told him or anyone really. I never want sympathy. Am in holistic health so will be fine, heal and spiritually work on all to be better then before.

Just in TEARS and so crumpled at moment.

My son wants nothing to do with him, I have tried to give them time until asked him to leave. He never spent time with him, helping him, learning with him, or interacting. He at one point told my son quit following me. ( when he was creeping around house my son was watching). Then later tells him you don't have to leave room if I am in it?

At one point asked to take a picture with my son, son said no. He was running all over house, bathroom ( don't ask) taking selfies for his new whatever, or however many at time. Son said don't want to now, don't feel comfortable. Never mentioned GF.

Months later son says to me I don't want to be on his FB or other for his weird GF of month to see.  Never said this to him.

Now months later he blames me and says son didn't want to take picture because of me or GF. This was said in private to me, in my office. We don't know how he is spying or why.

He blames me for no relationship with son, but hasn't had one with him.

He has tried to cause crazy fights or scenarios for me to get upset. I think to tape me upset. I just keep conversations professional, polite, same for all correspondence.

Just nuttiness.

Please thoughts, input or just plain hugs welcome

[Lilyroze]

On top of the chaos, drama and rages my UBPD has done over the past couple of years. There is a strange creepiness that has invaded my home and my family life.

I have had healthy past relationships where I could still be friends to a point, or asked and cared about each others lives even in ending relationship. Not with this one.

My UBPD went off deep end a couple years ago, projection, rages, craziness the works. I thought due to health problems, then thought he had been drinking which was not him and still wouldn't admit ( caught him at it). Then thought the stacks he was taking ( ephedrine). I guess I made all kinds of excuses as I couldn't get out of the FOG and fear he had us all in.

He never called during week to ask about us or my son, or email him or made any reasonable conversations.

He threatened me when my Grandmother died, snuck around doing creepy things in the bushes with his IPAD talking to people.

Would say weird things like the store no longer carries potatoes. He had to drop off groceries for awhile as he wrecked two cars, and mine. He would call me from store and say they have no potatoes and milk. Until my son finally said call the store. I did, that embarrassed him and he stopped pulling that.

Now onto the really creepy that is still bothering me. He didn't live here during week, but KNEW everything my kids and I said, or I talked to others. I mean word for word. Now I am a professional, so have nothing going on in my home or family life I am embarrassed about or worried about. It just hurt the lack of privacy, invasion of privacy, and just got scarier and scarier.

I have kept this in, but is really hurting my heart lately and health. Hard to tell people, as don't want to seem accusing, suspicious, and well what do you say.

He would get a smirk on his face and say things that were only said here to kids or kids said to me. Even conversations I had on phone. Many times nothing about him, just things... .my words came back to me word for word. Including what I finally was going to present him with doing for the divorce or my other home ( I paid for myself).

If I tried to approach him about our needs here, health, car whatever he would rage, scream yell, it was all my fault. Ignore and go on and on about his newest need, crises, etc or hang up, throw phone, rage uncontrollably. Until I was in tears, or screaming back as had some serious needs at that point I just wanted to address for us to move on.

He would rage and scream. Reason he is mad is something I said many years ago in his mind. I think to justify his affairs, his cheating, his whatever. But he could rage, scream, yell, still can and it is all my fault. If you bring up, then that is something he said last week, or I pushed him.  

He has no access to the home any-more. But still knew or knows everything.

I have had my phone lines cut, phone company confirmed ( he said he did it weed whacking this was quite awhile ago). Now denies it. My car was deliberately damaged. I thought... .no... .until my sons and a couple people, ( and family) pointed out too coincidental.

I found out he was taping people at work, pointed out against law to him and he said he could do it. He was taping on his work IPAD. He admitted to stalking and spying, at work, in name of supervising. I gave up trying to talk about work years ago, if there was any problems, if I gave help or solutions then I was to blame for not taking his side. I took his side many years and thought he was wonderful... .He has threatened to kill people at work to me, his boss. I asked what boss thought... .he laughed and said he knows how I am.

He does have a disability ( physical so he probably will never lose his job).

I am trying to not be part of his chaos, get everything done to be done.

I can be fine then this past weekend he calls raging... .I am LC but tied to him until some-things can be resolved.

It is hard for me to put myself first. Even now don't want to bother anyone here. I am so stressed and in tears with this all. Getting heart test tomorrow as in so much pain, and other test showed some health concerns. I haven't told him or anyone really. I never want sympathy. Am in holistic health so will be fine, heal and spiritually work on all to be better then before.

Just in TEARS and so crumpled at moment.

My son wants nothing to do with him, I have tried to give them time until asked him to leave. He never spent time with him, helping him, learning with him, or interacting. He at one point told my son quit following me. ( when he was creeping around house my son was watching). Then later tells him you don't have to leave room if I am in it?

At one point asked to take a picture with my son, son said no. He was running all over house, bathroom ( don't ask) taking selfies for his new whatever, or however many at time. Son said don't want to now, don't feel comfortable. Never mentioned GF.

Months later son says to me I don't want to be on his FB or other for his weird GF of month to see.  Never said this to him.

Now months later he blames me and says son didn't want to take picture because of me or GF. This was said in private to me, in my office. We don't know how he is spying or why.

He blames me for no relationship with son, but hasn't had one with him.

He has tried to cause crazy fights or scenarios for me to get upset. I think to tape me upset. I just keep conversations professional, polite, same for all correspondence.

Just nuttiness.

Please thoughts, input or just plain hugs welcome

[Indifferent28]

Im sorry but this made me laugh insanely for some reason: " He snuck around doing creepy things in the bushes with his IPAD talking to people. Would say weird things like the store no longer carries potatoes."

I don't know why but it helped take the edge off a serious post.

Anyway, in all seriousness, he sounds like a creep.
Have you had someone come search top to bottom for cameras or other ways he can be monitoring what is said there? for him to know all you guys say with no access to the home, obviously he is watching through some form. Webcams in your computer? Camera/microphone access through your cell? there are so many ways to do that now.

I'd be freaking out.
He sounds legitimately DANGEROUS.

Any way you could completely move from that area?

[heartandwhole]

Lilyroze,

Hugs to you  

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can fully understand why you are upset; this kind of behavior is very concerning, and in the same position I know I'd feel so confused and heartbroken about it.

It sounds to me like you don't want to burden people with your problems, and I would like to challenge you to do the exact opposite. It's so important to reach out for support. I know it's not easy sometimes; I feel similar to you in that when I feel really bad, I don't want to bring others "down" with my sadness or hurt. I know you've mentioned your pastor in other posts, but do you also have close friends/family whom you can lean on a little bit? You have said that you don't want sympathy, but what about understanding and support?

You mentioned that some of your ex's behavior felt scary. Do you feel that you might be in danger, Lilyroze?

Please keep posting. The reason we are all here is to listen and help each other. That goes for you, too.  

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Lilyroze-

It is hard for me to put myself first. Even now don't want to bother anyone here. I am so stressed and in tears with this all.

Ouch.  This guy sounds like a real treat.  

There's always a gift in these relationships though, and with a little digging we can find it.  You say it's hard for you to put yourself first, well, here's a hell of an opportunity, and maybe that's the gift, the practice?  Many of us coming out of these relationships are in the same boat, especially when dealing with the needs of a partner that became a full time job, and many of us are predisposed to putting someone's else's needs ahead of our own; that's another gift, digging there to find the source and the beliefs that came out of it.

Anyway, from my detached place, I say screw that, time to go to war and take your life, your health and your power back.  That could include restraining orders, appropriate for someone cutting phone lines and threatening murder, and also bug sweeps of your home and your office, in case crafty man is playing Watergate.  Of course all of that would include getting other people involved, and if you could prove he's been illegally taping conversations you might be able to get him canned with that yes?

Time to get pissed off.  What's your health worth?  Being in pain, stressed, tears, and heart tests is message enough to say enough yes?  What's it going to take Lilyroze?  Maybe it's fear, maybe it's conditioning, maybe it's learned helplessness, but all of that can be overcome; aside from us, do you have confidantes and friends locally who you can talk to?  Much easier with a team, and I know that's hard, but here's the motivation maybe, to let people help yes?

[Lilyroze]

Hi Indifferent28,

Im sorry but this made me laugh insanely for some reason: " He snuck around doing creepy things in the bushes with his IPAD talking to people. Would say weird things like the store no longer carries potatoes.

Thank you, have you ever laughed and cried at same time? Yes it was that weird. Funny thing is a good friend said " Oh great... .he will end up with a pink license plate" and I laughed I needed it. To relieve tension. Until... .person says I am serious you live near a school, and even in my being a Mom, good neighbor, or professional had never thought of that myself. I was just so over come with all the strangeness.

He wanted divorce and we needed to do things to go forward. I was letting him still stay here on weekends ( he commuted), still cooking for him when he raged, was mean to kids, and sat on couch talking to GF or gamers all day and night. I would go upstairs or in office when he would scream to go away. Just hoping he would give me time to help pack, or finish up things, fix up things, or pay attention to kids. When he didn't finally gave him choice IPAD and nude chicks, and gamers or your children. Do that at other house, in car or work. He then would go out into yard and get creepy in bushes, LOL pretending to mow lawn. It would take him 3 -4 hours for a city lot... .sigh

Finally after catching and giving choice, he chose the GF of month, and left. No goodbye to kids, but came back in and grabbed a whole cooked turkey, pizza and left... .Now that I can laugh about it, really is awful. Now doesn't talk to that gaming guild or those women, now new. Who cares though, not me.

As for the creepy spying, for life of me can't figure out where. Kids refuse to talk to him. Not that he gives a chance. Doesn't call them or email. When he comes to drop off things or pick up, we set outside. The kids do go out and get a few things he drops off till cars are done. He barely says hello.  The blames me, for his non relationship.

He promised his step son a job where he works, reneged on that. Which is probably best, my sons are upset with his lack or integrity or morals. He has tried to blame them when I confronted on a few things he knew. They don't talk to him and are disgusted. Now they are freaked too. We have searched house and can't figure out how he is spying. Truly.

He knows every word. He forgot step sons BDay. I apologized for him, and next thing you know when he came back second time that day to pick up something, he mentioned it.  But went to store and bought himself something instead of my son.

I have a different computer system then him, so don't think that. I will probably have to have some one sweep at some point. Just haven't wanted to seem paranoid, now there is no doubt. I even said something to a friend on phone, that we both knew was fake ( nothing bad) and it came back. It was my test.

I am trying to be strong for kids, and well not be the person who brings drama to anyone. But at this point if we are being honest I am very scared and crying the more I face his nuttiness for what it is.

As for moving, thank you so much for bringing up. Maybe some input from you all will help. Where I live now is a mortgage though not much ( I don't want one), and higher taxes. I am not tied to area after divorce. Will ask judge for permission to move. He is couple hours away. My new home ( I bought for cash) is closer to his work, will need work but paid off and lower taxes. Kids don't want to be closer to him, I am fearful as he lives there now. Hasn't fixed like he was suppose to and many doors and windows if he moves out and I in. Not sure what to do, though would be easier to afford there as single.

Want to sell both and move to another state that I want. I do permaculture, and have many herbs and gardens. Even on smaller lot grow over 100 tomato plants a year.

I am at a loss what to do.

I am still crying and really not sure why I am so scared now. I guess talking to Pastor he pointed out like you did he is dangerous. Worse he has heard of in long time. I should know this worked with DV and courts many years ago. Just well... .

Again thanks means more then you would know reaching out.    

[Lilyroze]

Hello HeartandWhole,

You mentioned that some of your ex's behavior felt scary. Do you feel that you might be in danger, Lilyroze?

Please keep posting. The reason we are all here is to listen and help each other. That goes for you, too.  Empathy

To my friends and family, and I guess myself I keep saying oh no I am not scared. I have had to be the one in the marriage to handle all household finances, budget, taxes, be there for the kids, make all decisions, find all cars, parts etc. So I guess I have had to be strong and self sufficient. Plus never want to bother anyone or like said make drama.

It just has not gotten any better, in fact lots worse. Now with knowing the spying it is creeping me out, I find I am spending time trying to find it, figure out why, and hurting. I have more productive things to do, and be happy for. I just feel scared.

I would probably have done more but really stuck or tied to until over. I have the two homes, taxes for both, expenses, etc. I would be OK but every-time I turn around he has crashed a car, needs a new used one, maintenance for the car. I get that he commutes etc, but I need to fix some-things, pay movers if moving, and taxes as well as fix my cars.

I say cars as he destroyed my Mercedes. I think with intent to fix it and be hero. Then say he owed me nothing for finding his new cars or parts reasonable after his crashes. But instead did something so wrong it is going to take major fixing. So ... .I took rest of my stock money bought a used Volvo then was going to give kids. He had to pick up as near his work, he never checked it over and brought up and it needs things. He then set the seat on fire, and has wiring issues ?

See above craziness, there is many more things all to make me stuck. Got money to fix, and he went crashed another. Had to pay, registrations etc. Now he just keeps spending every-time I go to fix mine etc.  With excuse he commutes. I can do more from home.

In all these years he never has put us first. I just put it too him being sick, working too much, commuting, now BPD.

So right now he wants to file because his silly 1000th GF  told him she wants him free . She is having an affair with many, him and is only legally separated and has many issues. Her husband has no idea what she has been up to.  I have no problem giving him to her, but wanted the things done for me to move, reliable transportation and the house fit to live in for us.  


My father and many are pointing out he is leaving me in heck of mess. He doesn't want to make sure taxes on houses paid for year, help the kids and I with moving expenses etc. I now own two large beautiful Victorian type houses but the one needs work. Nice but electrical, painting, etc. One I am  in now gorgeous but needs some work to stay or sell ( not major)

He was suppose to be doing that while there these past few years and has done nothing. I paid for the one myself, put money on the one I am in, and paid his debts when first married, as well as took all the money from my small business and house selling to the tune of over 150,000+ to fund houses etc.

When I met him he was in debt owned nothing credit shot. I fixed all, now he is haunting me to make sure his credit is top notch when leaving etc. I told him I have done nothing but keep you out of debt. If he was in charge of bills I would have lost all by now. I am trying to hold everything together until this is done.

I am just not sure why in the world he is spying, if he no longer wants me. Lawyer thinks to keep trapped etc.

He has told my kids in past that he almost choked or killed people in wrestling matches, or his martial arts. I don't know what to believe with that any-more. Use to think he took training but he said he left before certificate given, has no patience and is not in control or black belt material.  Though he did wrestle in HS, so kids think nuts and are afraid now. At least my youngest.

Have had friends say they think he is going to become unhinged, stalk or kill me. I don't know why as he wants out. He told me to go to someone new... .sigh ... .LOL

We haven't had a romantic marriage in quite awhile, and truly didn't love him that way anymore. Had my own life and was only a caretaker as he kept saying he was dying with lung issues. Now wants to be fine and go on, fine. Tells me hates, me then loves me, go to someone new etc.

[Lilyroze]

Hi fromheeltoheal,


 

Time to get pissed off.  What's your health worth?  Being in pain, stressed, tears, and heart tests is message enough to say enough yes?  What's it going to take Lilyroze?  

Yes, I am just so lost right now. He has depleted all my money, my childhood stock money, left me without the means to do everything right now. Meaning I need a little longer of our budget to get my things fixed now, and he won't give it.

So I am worried how to do it all, then do it all on one budget, and to top off his spying, raging and threatening me has me crying and falling apart.

I admitted it to my Pastor his threats, and here and now just crying as I am scared. What lengths will he go to destroy me? I am trying to heal, be strong, be positive, and get everything done quick. Just he is always putting obstacles, his problems or rages in way. I am trying to keep drama free and LC but his rages come and go.

Now the spying and the fact I have to face my privacy has been invaded in the worst way. No wonder he never asked how we were, what was going on, didn't have to as he was spying and truly didn't care.

My best friend I had been there for 8 years through all their family NP drama is giving silent treatment, and never did like me talking too much about, as it was drama and I could "handle" it.

So I guess I have been afraid to bring drama to anyone. Stuffed in all in and now scared, crying and being spyed or stalked from afar, from someone who doesn't want to be a husband or father.

Thank you for reaching out and letting me post my fears, and try to figure a way out. I feel so trapped.

[Lilyroze]

Thanks to those who reached out.

Now in territory I don't want to be in. Got a call this evening garble on my message machine of be safe, went to pick up woman calls me by name says you don't know me but you do. Please pray please be careful and safe, you are not safe. I ask her who she is, she says she can't say not safe for her. I ask if she works with him ( I can hear background noise) and I have had people from work call me before. Says please don't tell him anyone called, I care about you. My kids heard call, and I am not doing well or happy.

I do appreciate the board, threads I have read, and those that have been kind to me. Be well all. Will deal with all this to find my peace on my journey.

[heartandwhole]

Lilyroze,

I am concerned about this latest phone call. Please reach out to trusted friends and family and let them know what is going on. I know you feel trapped and really down right now. There are local places you can call to get some information. You don't even have to give your name if you don't want to. Please don't dismiss your feelings about this.

Here is some information that will help you make a plan. It's better to know what you are going to do before things escalate, than have to make decisions in the heat of high emotions:

Safety First

Keep posting and let us know how you are. We care. 

heartandwhole

[Lilyroze]

Thanks HeartandWhole,

All is good, I appreciate. Have friend helping me. Another dear friend flying in, so will have support and calm peaceful visit. Many are being supportive for that I am very grateful.

Lawyer was helpful. I won't live in fear that is not healthy. Thanks for letting me get it all out. I see myself being scared and didn't like that feeling it is and was overwhelming

Got another call, and was appreciative person is very kind and caring. Helpful.

We are going to be involving the latest GF and her spouse if need be. Not by my choice. But turns out she does not understand his responsibilities till this is over is not enmeshment... .LOL She is very unhealthy and best for all concerned if out in open as children are involved. This is suggested by lawyer, after we got evidence we need. I don't want him in life, but won't throw everything I have worked for away so the two can play house for a month, then split... .LOL Which given all I have found out will probably be inevitable. So will get the things done as can and legally so this can be all over.

Don't want to live in fear or drama, so will need to be the adult in all this and make sure the kids and I are safe. Seems the unhealthy players in this need to be guided to do the right thing by the law and not me.

Looking still to find how spying is being done. Will keep LC. Probably should note reason was hesitant before didn't want to bring drama, sound suspicious etc. Also this spying or whatever you want to call it ( taping if so) will be a federal crime according to sources as it will involve two states, possible work ( IPAD, some witnesses etc) and don't want to hurt him, involve others. Might not have a choice as this is really upsetting and scaring me now.

Now that all that is settled, will continue on to make my business successful ( have some great possible contracts that wouldn't have thought possible), do my work, take care of the kids and be healthy. Planning small vacations, good things on my journey and went to Cardiologist.

Letting it out, getting advice, thinking things through, getting help and friendships and a days difference when you can think really helps. Cool heads will prevail. I will have to be the one to keep the kids and I safe, happy and healthy. So will do.

Any other suggestions would be great or will just look onward, upward, have faith, be kind and full of compassion. At same time can't let the crazies drive the bus.

Blessings