Thought this was worth a separate thread, where does their pain come from...

[drained1996]

Quote from: drained1996 on July 13, 2016, 11:08:26 PM


At some point in time during your relationship... .on a pain meter from 1-100, if let's say 40 is near crippling pain, and you felt you were there... .she was at 70 or more.  That's their world, emotionally crippling pain.  They just have better defense mechanisms inside them that allows them to cover it and move on at least on the exterior... .the infection inside rages on... .


I've heard this opinion expressed several times on the board, and I'm certainly not discounting it.  But, where does this pain come from in a pwBPD?  If they are always the victim, the pain doesn't come from their realization that they hurt people.  It would seem that their deep denial, mirroring and projection would prevent them from feeling any pain.  Rather wouldn't they just feel anger at the world for being so mean to them, for singling them out and trying to destroy them?  Pain comes from wounds, how can you feel pain from wounds that you have covered up with denial?

 
Good question,

My explanation is simply from my experience and counseling... .keep in mind I am not a professional in this arena.  But I have had a BPD partner 10+out of the last 16 years or so of my life.
Typically, their triggers take them back to the pain they suffered in childhood that actually pointed them in the direction to become BPDs.  Let's for instance say they were molested as a child... .a trigger will take them directly back to that feeling.  That's when they use their self defense mechanisms to help cover that awful feeling... .projection etc.  They're not angry at the world when they are triggered, they are taken back to their feeling of absolute violation when their traumatic event occurred... .and the person closest to them becomes the one who violated them in a sense.  And being mentally ill, they don't have the ability to reason when they become dysregulated, at that point you are dealing with someone that has the emotional capacity of a child.  That's really the backbone of the illness from what I know.  Trust me, they feel the pain significantly more than we do, I've seen it, hugged it, reasoned with it, argued with it, fought with it  and cried with it, and felt it trembling for not much of a reason other than the wind shifted directions.  It's an illness that does not know logic, it only knows pain and suffering.  That's not saying the people who suffer from BPD are that way all the time, but when the symptoms and reactions come, all they know is pain, suffering, shame, and self defense.  If their will on their on defenses was able to be manufactured inside the brains of athletes, whoever could do that would never be scored upon... .their defenses are that innate... .even if they are illogical.
 
 

[once removed]

hi drained1996 

i think your explanation is pretty accurate. many triggers predate us, and in many cases, unwittingly, its what so much of the pain and lashing out was about.

one night i was sitting around with my ex. i put a glass down and she reacted very strongly, suggesting i slammed it. that happened two or three more times with her reacting more strongly each time. i was dumbfounded, and at some point pretty irritated.

years later i recalled this and my suspicion is that it was a triggered response to what went on in her household. i still recall the incident sometimes when i put a glass down; how much must she have felt it at the time? it wasnt accurate, it wasnt logical, and i doubt shed ever make the connection, but the realization helped me with untangling in many instances what was mine from what was hers.

[drained1996]

Once removed,

Yes, in my experience they start with predated triggers, which we find unexplainable, but we deal with them as that's typically in the idealization/honeymoon phase.  It's after they notice our discomfort with how they handle triggers, they begin manipulate and then they begin to project, and WE become the issue.