Do you think that one day you'll come back here and want to delete all your posts?
No. The value of my posts are not for me, but for others who are or will be in my situation.
When I first came to this board, I read almost a year's worth of posts anonymously before I ever created an account and started sharing my story. Reading about everyone else's story
really helped me to put the pieces together and start to understand that this seemingly sweet little girl really was capable of sleeping with the entire metro area while simultaneously confessing her undying love to me.
It's been said elsewhere on this site that we (nons) fall in love with a construct; someone who mirrors us initially which makes us feel phenomenal and then, when things sour, we ascribe all kinds of motivations and feelings to the BPD that excuses their behaviour - because we're trapped in a fantasy we created and really want to continue to believe in.
What do you think? Do you think that's true? Did we invent them as much as they invented us?
I think that statement is partly true.
I think many people on this board are -- unfortunately -- still trapped in that fantasy. They say mental health can be defined as a belief in reality -- no matter the cost. Well, I think a lot of people here are hurting because they are still unwilling to accept the full cost of looking at reality and moving towards Radical Acceptance. It's far too easy and comforting to look back and stay hung up on the ego-assuring lies we were all fed in the early stages of our "relationships."
I disagree with the assertion that we invented them as much as they invented us. I feel like typically the pwBPD does all the "heavy lifting" in the fantasy creation department, and we need to be aware that many on this board are being purposely held back by those who benefit the most from the propagation of this fantasy... .
And if it was an illusion (I feel that way about my own relationship too) is there no value in remembering it? I mean, there were magical parts to that illusion and then really dark parts too, but if we co-wrote the story then that's a really creative act (admittedly a pretty self-destructive one). I'm not playing word games, I hope it doesn't seem that way, but I'm just really interested in this idea of wanting to erase and forget.
I am not forgetting
anything. On the contrary, I am making certain I remember
everything!
But there is a profound difference between memorizing something and memorializing it. It's the
sentiment that I have erased.
Are you able to make your own mind forget the things, or is it more that you want anything public to be just gone?  :)o you want her to know what you are doing, or is this just for you ?
I just want everything public gone. I hope she does notice; it might make her less likely to reach out to me again in the future (if she is able to grasp how little she means to me now.)
And that you speak of "corrections". We do have to correct our faulty perceptions, don't we, before we can actually move on. People talk a lot about healing and what that entails - "corrections" is probably in there, but I don't recall anyone actually using that word before.
Yes! We all need to re-evaluate our thoughts and feelings for this person. Correct the faulty assumptions! For instance, I thought my ex was a good person who struggled with a terrible mental illness. Then I saw with my own eyes how sadistic she was. How she enjoyed being bad and took pleasure from deceiving and hurting others. So now I think she is a bad person... .who also struggles with a terrible mental illness.
In this situation, I opened my eyes to
reality and corrected my view of her based on
actual evidence. Not what she
said. Not what I
wanted to believe.
We all come to this board focused on the pwBPD, but it is only after we learn to focus on our
self that we are able to leave this board. That is the final act of this play.
Can I ask how long after you split that you did this?
This was probably about 4 weeks after we split for the second, and final time. She would like and comment on some of my IG posts about once every week or so (I just deleted the comments when I saw them) but I was otherwise NC.
I dumped her originally in October. I took her back in February after I had learned more about mental illness, and she had seemed to be making progress on understanding her illness and trying to get better.
I'm glad I did take her back, though. I was able to eventually pull off all her masks and see who she
truly was. That knowledge made detachment so much easier.
By the time we broke up, I was no longer hurting and fully ready for NC. I told her I had forgiven her for everything, but wanted her out of my life, completely. That was the last I ever said to her until she messaged me last week, after 6 weeks of NC.