Not supposed to tell you but she's dying.

[survivorof2]

Been awhile since I wrote. I'm the survivor of 2 uBPD parents who inflicted cruel punishment on me until I was 42 years old when the police helped me escape after uBPD mom tried to kill me.
Last night DD called to tell me uBPD is dying of cancer. I've been NC for 12 years with my FOO. Last year I broke NC to visit mom in hospital after I received word that she was really ill. Didn't take long for the demons in the room to verbally attack me, so I fled.
I don't plan to reach out and not sure I want to respond if I hear from FOO.
I'm the scapegoat and always have been. I'm sure they would blame me for the cancer somehow if they could even.
Relationship with our DD has greatly improved in last year and she lives out of state, but she did ask me if there was any way I could accept some responsibility for the breakup between my parents and I 
Soo crazy. Hope they leave me alone so I can mourn peacefully and then visit her grave someday to tell her what I wished I could have told when she hit, beat, screamed, groped, spit, and gave me the silent treatment for so many years.

[Turkish]

So you finally went to see her as she lay dying and nothing changed. She treated you as she always did. Whatever happened, I think you did the right thing, even if you didn't have to. That is enough.

So DD is getting pressure from FOO to guilt you, or is that her?

I'm curious... .what is the message you are trying to convey in your subject line?

T.

[survivorof2]

I think DD is getting the message from FOO. It's most consistent with their modus operandi.

I didn't explain that DD said she'd asked uBPD Dad if she could tell me and he said no not yet. She waited and then decided she needed to tell me even though she didn't get approval. So I'm not supposed to know.

[isilme]

Relationship with our DD has greatly improved in last year and she lives out of state, but she did ask me if there was any way I could accept some responsibility for the breakup between my parents and I  

I get this from the few relatives with whom I still speak, and they don't get it.  None of them lived in it, and like you, I got hit with it from both parents, as an only child alone in the house with them.  The worst is my half brother who is older, was adopted at birth, and didn't meet our shared mother till he was already 36 years old.  He only sees what she just can't hide, but was never enmeshed, never her caretaker, her emotional supply, her scapegoat, her chance to remake herself.

My half brothers who my dad abandoned as children to create family #2 with me and mom sometimes ask if I will ever reach out to our 'father'.  I finally had to in no uncertain terms describe the literally black and blue beatings I'd get as a child as young as 3, with a belt, that would keep me in long sleeves and pants to hide the marks.  And how it went over the years from physical abuse to psychological manipulation and control.  He got quiet and stopped asking.

I am scared about what I will do when I learn they are either going of gone.  One lives in another state, mom, and the other is 30 miles away.  I've been NC with them and most of the FOO for years with one and almost 2 decades with the other.

Sure, I am responsible for my decision to keep what I need as a buffer/barrier between them and my sanity.  But as the minor child for the majority of the relationship, 2/3 of my life before I was fully NC, I cannot accept any responsibility for their choices that made my buffer so necessary.  

I get so upset at times when people ask this "can't you just get along with them / forgive them / get over it / etc."  If it was an ex-boyfriend who treated me that way, at all, for even just a few months, no one would bat an eye at my never talking to him again.  But use the word "mother" "father"  or "parent" and suddenly all of that goes out the window.  :)NA and family ties ARE important.  But they should not and cannot supersede more than a reasonable amount of MY mental and physical health.  If grandma is rude about my apple pie every year - ok, that's one thing, it can be ignored, dealt with, whatever.  But if grandma made fun of the pie, had beaten me as a child, told me I was ugly and worthless as a teen, told me I'd never amount to anything, was no good, raged at me, neglected then smothered me, used me, then WHY should that be okay just because she had sex once and passed on her genes?

Family entails more than simply passing on genes or living in the same house.  I learned this at my 30th birthday, when I ended up crying for a bit in the bathroom.  I felt horrible that I was turning 30, and that my friends had done so much for me, and yet NO family had even sent a card.  I was in LC with mom at the time, and the 3 half brothers, cousins, even a few aunts were still in my circle.  But H's family and our friends were the ones there for me.  Anyway, a friend found me and asked what was wrong.  I told him, "I am sad I have no family, don't belong anywhere."  He simply hugged me and said, "WE'RE your family."  And it's true.  

Anyway, this is long, sorry, but no, people who can't and won't understand the need for LC or NC often resort, maybe unintentionally, to guilt to make us initate contact.

[Fie]

Hello Survivorof 2  

You are in a very difficult and confusing situation. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.
My mum is uBPD, my dad has NPD traits but is not full blown NPD. So I got only one disturbed parent, the  other one  was just enabling  everything.
So my thoughts are going out to you.

Hope they leave me alone so I can mourn peacefully and then visit her grave someday to tell her what I wished I could have told when she hit, beat, screamed, groped, spit, and gave me the silent treatment for so many years.

Do you think it could be an option for you to tell your mum your feelings before she dies ? So you can have some closure on this ?
Most of the times I believe it is not a good idea to confront someone about his BPD. In my case,  it was the right thing to do however, because I wanted to feel like an adult, telling  them how life was for me living under my parents' roof. So I wrote my parents an email.
Only you know if this is a good idea for you, or not. If you feel compassion for your mum, you could try to write a letter without letting your anger out  in it  (if you feel angry). You can even end the letter saying that you are open for a new, better relationship (if you are), like I did. Only thing that is very important however, is that you don't write this letter expecting something, or you risk to only get dissapointed.
You would be writing this letter for yourself, not for her.
My mum did not react that good to my email, but I did not really care. I just felt so relieved after I wrote it. It was like my life suddenly became less cloudy.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 

Sorry about your family situation.   I can't imagine having your mom try to kill you and then have others in the family invalidate you.

Only you can decide what is right for you.  You have been through a lot and you should make your upcoming decisions without fear, obligation or guilt (FOG).  If visiting you mom's grave alone, at some point after her burial, is what you need, then that is what you should do. 

If you don't want to visit her before her death, that is your choice.  If you don't want to go to her funeral, then that is your choice again. 

Some therapy might be helpful to help you work though this.  Do you think that after her death, that you might be able to work through your anger and forgive her?  Forgiveness is not for the abuser, but can help to put the past behind us.