A peek into my wife's world

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Good things happen when you can keep the temperature down and both parties feel "safe" in a r/s.

My wife got time over the past weekend to spend time with her oldest sister and her kids.  Take the level of dysfunction in my house and go to the power of 10.

Anyway on a walk with her she revealed to me that being around that almost made her physically sick to her stomach and that it was "they way we used to be" (me and her).  I listened... .light validation.

Anyway... .later she starts talking about her childhood and it was "only safe to come out when others were around".  That she would get home from school and peek in the door... .listening to see what was going on to see if it was ok.  Sick to her stomach that she might be "caught alone" with her mom. 

So, she would get home, try to get to her room and stay there... .or figure out a way to stay outside and play.  Once Dad and all the brothers and sisters were around it was much safer to come out.

We had a follow up conversation on this a couple days later.

My guess is that this is "tip of the iceberg" stuff.

FF

[formflier]

Good things happen when you can keep the temperature down and both parties feel "safe" in a r/s.

My wife got time over the past weekend to spend time with her oldest sister and her kids.  Take the level of dysfunction in my house and go to the power of 10.

Anyway on a walk with her she revealed to me that being around that almost made her physically sick to her stomach and that it was "they way we used to be" (me and her).  I listened... .light validation.

Anyway... .later she starts talking about her childhood and it was "only safe to come out when others were around".  That she would get home from school and peek in the door... .listening to see what was going on to see if it was ok.  Sick to her stomach that she might be "caught alone" with her mom. 

So, she would get home, try to get to her room and stay there... .or figure out a way to stay outside and play.  Once Dad and all the brothers and sisters were around it was much safer to come out.

We had a follow up conversation on this a couple days later.

My guess is that this is "tip of the iceberg" stuff.

FF

[Lilyroze]

FF,

Wow, not just a peek into your wife's world but yours.

You have worked hard from what I have read to be a good husband, father and at the skills to help your wife with her UBPD.

Kudos to you and her for being able to share, learn and grow. She trusted you enough to state her feelings, say her thoughts. You not only listened, validated and became closer whether you realize it or not at moment. Truly beautiful.

Sad she had a childhood like that, sad it has affected her life. But as adults we can learn, grow, change and take to heart to not do to our children. You and her are trying to do that in a good way.

The real key though in my opinion is the fact that your counselor, MC, P, and you have been giving the tools to healthy living. So when she saw unhealthy with her sister and kids she could see how far your household has come.

You have been a true Christian father and husband and leader in the household. This will have a ripple effect in how your children manage their lives, relationships and marriage, how your wife will continue to grow, how your grandchildren are raised. It might even help her with tools to help her sister and her children in the future.

Good job.  Thank you for sharing, is appreciated.

[Fian]

I agree.  This does show how far you have come, in just the past few months.  In fact, I wonder if you even belong in the undecided board any more.

[SamwizeGamgee]

This reminds me of the sympathy I feel thinking about what it was probably like for my wife when she was a child.  I see the effects of verbal and emotional abuse - now that I'm wise to that kind of thing.  As sad as it is, and as much empathy I have for her as a small child, I realize that this type of sympathy and feeling sorry for her does not help cure her.  I wish there was a way to "magic wand" away the past.  But, the damage is done and in my family it's repeating in this next generation.
If anything good comes of it, it fuels me to be "not her dad" to my kids.