Anybody Else Deal With This?

[dacoming]

My wife is the type that when she gets mad, she calls me every name in the book, insults, blaming, gaslighting, sometimes physical threats... .she gets mad and rages at small stuff.  She does it to our daughters (technically my stepdaughters) also.  However, she is so sensitive to everything I say to her or the girls and takes offense to every little thing... .switching what I said around to make is seem like I'm some the mean person.

For example, the other day when I got home from work, our daughter (24) told me something was beeping in her room.  I checked it out and it was the smoke detector... .needed a battery.  So later that night, daughter asked me why I didn't fix it.  I told her that we do not have the battery, she would need to go to the store and get them.  So she took the ladder and took the smoke detector down.  She went to her Mom complaining that I was mean to her by not fixing the smoke detector.  So a couple nights later, as I was going to bed, my wife confronted me about the issue.  She felt I was being mean to our daughter by not fixing the smoke detector and said that I am always mean and rude to her and the kids but never to anyone else, particularly my extended family.  She always goes there.  Every time we have a disagreement, she brings my family up because she feels they don't like her and the girls.  When she explained the matter to me, it sounded like my daughter told her I was talking dry to her also.  I never did that.  I conceded that I should have fixed the problem and apologized to our daughter for being rude.  She went on about how I talk to them and treat them ___ty and how they are not going to take care of me when I get old and need help because of the person I am.

Now I am the person who even when they were kids, explained to them thoroughly why I was punishing them, always listen to their side of the story, never yell or curse at them... .pretty much always try to be fair even though I'm sure I made mistakes here and there.  I still financially take care of our daughters, ages 25 and 28.  Well the 28 year old just moved out earlier this year.  The 25 year old still lives at home with a child, no job.  Doesn't appear to be trying to get one despite all of our lectures.  So I'm taking care of both of them.  She drives our cars (my wife tells her that the brand new 2016 Maxima is hers), doesn't pay for gas, maintenance, nothing.  She has my wife's bank card so she basically gets whatever she wants out of the account without my knowledge because my wife has health issues and counts on her to go shopping and do other things.  And daughter has the nerve to tell me she is unsure at this point if she would take care of me when I get old because of how I am?  Every little thing I say to her or my wife gets twisted into something else.  Offense is taken to everything.  I feel like I can't speak up about nothing because it always ends bad.

My wife on the other hand rages and calls them names, puts them down, etc all the time.  When they do something wrong, she explodes.  At times she comes back and apologizes.  She doesn't work and due to health issues, doesn't cook, clean or do much of anything.  We also have a son (17) who is both of ours.  I feel like I'm being taken advantage of sometimes and not appreciated at all.  My wife was just telling me all of the things our daughter (25) does for me that I'm supposed to do.  However, no talk of what I'm doing.  My wife told me that our daughters cook and clean... .just so I won't have to do it but they are not my maids.  She is pretty handy so she often fixes things around the house.  Her cooking is one time a day if that; most of the time we eat out.  Cleaning is never fully done.  So I guess I'm supposed to cook, clean, do the yard, work, wash the cars, fix what needs to be fixed, everything... .

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[schwing]

Hi dacoming,

It seems to me like both your stepdaughter (24) and your wife are both gas lighting/blaming you.  I doubt your stepdaughter is incapable of purchasing a battery and replacing it in a smoke detector but she choose to blame you for being "mean" to her instead.  And then your wife decided to double down on this distorted perspective and accuse you and your family of not liking her or her girls.  I would not be very amicable towards people who treated me in such a manner.

This kind of victim mentality is common for people with BPD.  Don't subscribe to it.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[dacoming]

It is very hard to deal with and has been going on for years.  Saturday morning , as soon as I woke up, my wife started lecturing me again about changing my ways or else I'm going to end up alone with no support because of course nobody in my extended family is going to take time out of their lives to be there for me if need be.  I asked her if the situation was really as bad as she is making it and she stressed it's very bad.  She brought up a couple other recent occasions where she said both our daughters felt I was talking mean and grouchy towards them.  Since I always seem to be on guard about how I interact with them, I recalled the situations and was positive that I said or did nothing out of line.  Every time I attempt to explain my side, she overtalked me and stated that was why the kids don't talk to me about these issues because I cannot be talked to at all because I'm difficult and defensive.  I don't see how it's automatically wrong EVERY time for me to explain my view or perspective.  In her view, I'm supposed to take it in, admit wrong and show remorse, and change.  How do you change something you don't feel you are doing?  Discussion lasted at least an hour, maybe more.  I accepted responsibility and promised to do better.

So most of the day, our daughter (24) was in her room or elsewhere while we were in the loft.  I told our daughter good morning when I saw her and had little contact otherwise for most of the day.  When my wife took a nap, I went outside to do some yard work until almost 9pm.  She called my cell phone asking where I was and what I was doing; I told her.  When I came in, she accused me of avoiding talking to our daughter since I was told I was doing wrong and said I should be ashamed of myself as a father for acting petty, blah blah blah.  I told her that was not the case.  She felt I wasn't being normal because I wasn't talking and joking with our daughter.  I told her most of the day I was in the room with her while our daughter was in another room; when she went to sleep, I went to do some yard work that I've been needing to do (don't get much time to do things around the house that I need to because she wants me to spend all of my time with her even though she fusses at me when something I'm responsible for doesn't get done).  She again accused me of being defensive and hard to talk to and also of being a liar because she knows I was acting petty.  Discussion went on for a couple hours with more talk of me being alone one day and how she and the kids love each other unconditionally and they will always be there for her because she is such a good mother and always show them love and affection.  She says all I've ever done is feed and take care of them financially, give them a place to stay and I only did that because of her.  I told her I've gone along with everything that was financially done even if she was the one to go get the clothes or go get whatever they needed.  She's the one that hasn't worked much at all the last 20 years so it makes sense to me for her to do that part.  I said I didn't have to go along with everything, particularly since they are adults now.  She told me I have no choice because we are married and that if I try to resist, or try to put the girls out, she would leave too.  I left it alone at that point and just let her go on and on of what she called "constructive talk to try to help me be a better person."