1yr of NC and I run into her ex-roommate

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been a while since I've posted here.  On Friday I was at an event and ran into my uBPDexgf's former roommate. My exgf left the country a year ago and I haven't had any contact with her since.  The last contact we had was her flipping out on me on gchat because I texted her to ask if she was back in Argentina. So told me I had no right to know anything about her, that I was a terrible person, that I would never change, this is why she left me, and that I should never try to contact her again.  Like most of us here, our breakup 4 months earlier had left me devastated.  It took a long time for me to accept how f'ed up things really were between us and how much abuse I took.  I've been NC since and have not heard a word from her.

On Friday, I ran into her ex-roommate. We exchanged pleasantries and eventually the conversation turned to my exgf. She asked me if I'd been in contact with her and I said "No. She told me never to talk to her again and that I was the cause of all her pain and suffering." The roommate told me that my exgf would love to hear from me, that she still had feelings for me, and that she still loved me. I told her that contacting her wasn't an option given the last communication we had. I had no idea about what my exgf told her about our breakup, but I told her some of my experiences. Excuses were made on my exgf's behalf and again I was told how much she cared for me. I told her that my exgf knew how to get in touch with me if she wanted to and left it at that.

THANKFULLY, I was with one of my best friends who knows everything about this relationship and I told him about this conversation. He said that contacting her was an absolutely terrible idea and should not be done under any circumstance.  I knew he was right, but I had those feelings. The next day I looked at prices for flights to Argentina. All yesterday I hoped that she would reach out to me. It's pretty incredible that I can still be drawn in. I'm currently in a good relationship with a a nonBPD and the difference overwhelming. Part of me misses the extreme rush and highs that came with my BPDexgf but I do not miss the lows and the emotional brutality.  

[zipline]

It's been a while since I've posted here.  On Friday I was at an event and ran into my uBPDexgf's former roommate. My exgf left the country a year ago and I haven't had any contact with her since.  The last contact we had was her flipping out on me on gchat because I texted her to ask if she was back in Argentina. So told me I had no right to know anything about her, that I was a terrible person, that I would never change, this is why she left me, and that I should never try to contact her again.  Like most of us here, our breakup 4 months earlier had left me devastated.  It took a long time for me to accept how f'ed up things really were between us and how much abuse I took.  I've been NC since and have not heard a word from her.

On Friday, I ran into her ex-roommate. We exchanged pleasantries and eventually the conversation turned to my exgf. She asked me if I'd been in contact with her and I said "No. She told me never to talk to her again and that I was the cause of all her pain and suffering." The roommate told me that my exgf would love to hear from me, that she still had feelings for me, and that she still loved me. I told her that contacting her wasn't an option given the last communication we had. I had no idea about what my exgf told her about our breakup, but I told her some of my experiences. Excuses were made on my exgf's behalf and again I was told how much she cared for me. I told her that my exgf knew how to get in touch with me if she wanted to and left it at that.

THANKFULLY, I was with one of my best friends who knows everything about this relationship and I told him about this conversation. He said that contacting her was an absolutely terrible idea and should not be done under any circumstance.  I knew he was right, but I had those feelings. The next day I looked at prices for flights to Argentina. All yesterday I hoped that she would reach out to me. It's pretty incredible that I can still be drawn in. I'm currently in a good relationship with a a nonBPD and the difference overwhelming. Part of me misses the extreme rush and highs that came with my BPDexgf but I do not miss the lows and the emotional brutality.  

[Herodias]

I wonder how she was as a roommate and why she is an ex-roomate? Maybe it's nothing. The ex-roomate is what's called a "flying monkey"- a triangulation of sorts to hook you back in. It's too bad you didn't tell her that you had no interest in hearing from her or contacting her again... .You have a good relationship now. You may need counseling as to why you like drama in your life. It may just be caused by getting caught up in hers and it will go away over time. It can be part of trauma bonding. I felt that way too at first.  You can get your own drama in a better way. Go out and have fun... .do things you like to do. You will see, it's better with out their type of drama, because it never end well... .someone always gets hurt - even if it is the pwBPD. They don't mind self destruction or yours.

[zipline]

She's an ex-roommate because my exgf left the country. She was in the US for a two-year job. When it ended, she returned to her home country. Nothing mysterious there.

[Herodias]

Ahh... .I figured. Sometimes I wonder if roommates ever see the real side of them... .they must, since friends eventually do. I know my exes roommate wasn't with him long enough to see it, but I am sure he had some crazy experiences. I think it is really the closest too them that get the brunt of it all.

[zipline]

I believe this roommate saw an emotionally fragile and overly sensitive person who was in a lot of pain for various reasons -- a "she cares so much it hurts her" type. My exgf was good at being able to draw this kind of sympathy and hearing the roommate talk about her on Friday, I again felt sympathy for my ex. I know that her life is filled is pain, fear, and anxiety and that must be horrible. I also know that I can't help and that getting involved again would be terrible for me (and only me) -- that doesn't mean that I don't have the desire to help and connect. I was deeply in love with her and I'm OK saying that. 

[rfriesen]

zipline,
I really hear what you're saying in your last post. I know my ex's pain, fear, and anxiety inside and out and it breaks my heart. I also know the extent of her emotional brutality and I won't be going back to that. But I know what you mean about still feeling drawn and also accepting that I was deeply in love with her.
Slowly, I've learned to de-escalate my thinking. Whereas in the first weeks after our final break-up, my mind and emotions would go off on endless fantasizing, daydreaming, longing about possibly getting back together, and I was exchanging long emails and texts with my ex trying to sort through the carnage, slowly slowly I've pulled that all back to the point where I can remember some good time, still feel the longing, and then put it aside and go on with my day. I can certainly relate to looking up a town in Argentina, or what have you, if someone came by and told me about my ex being there. It's just a very long process of letting go.

Anyway, sounds like you're well into that process yourself. I don't have any advice to offer, just wanted to say I can relate.

[zipline]

Well unfortunately this ex-roommate interaction almost lead me to a complete breakdown.  On Sunday after I wrote this I found myself thinking "please contact me, please contact me" which morphed into "oh my god, please don't contact me." I began to replay all of our interactions in my head. On Monday, I added her email address to a chat client program I use. I was prompted to reauthorize her, which I didn't, but somehow I accessed the chat history which I thought I had long erased (I've since deleted the program and all associated files).  I started reading through the chats, reading all of her love bombs, controlling behaviors, admonitions, and it all came flooding back. I was in tears stricken by the idea that she might come back into my life.  I ended up talking to my mom on the phone and told her what happened which lead me to tell her about how my exgf got pregnant, which locked me in to staying with her, which allowed her to verbally and emotionally abuse me for a month and a half, after which I was so f'ed up that I thought I was in love with her (and she with me). Then my dad got sick and died and she told that I was the worst thing that ever happened in her life and never to talk to her again and she ghosted. 

I got an emergency appointment with my therapist and was able to talk this out.  He's been with me through everything so he knows it all. I also talked this out with my current romantic partner who I still fear will reject me and think I'm a selfish narcissist for talking about how I feel and not focusing on her.

[zipline]

And yes, I believe what the ex-roommate told me is true. I can believe that my exgf would express feelings of love and a desire to connect with me to her. I'm sure in my ex's mind this is true. I also know that my contacting her would only lead to me getting my head chopped off and my soul blown to bits.  My exgf is like an emotional supervillain, whose super power it is to make a personal as vulnerable as possible and then use that vulnerability to inflict as much damage as possible. Never again.