Advice please

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok, the background story;

3.5 years of the typical relationship with a BPD. We all know the story, we've all been there.

Three weeks ago she creates an argument out of absolutely nothing and causes us to break-up. After a week of NC I cave in and contact her. I spend the next week or so on the phone to her crying and trying to convince her to take me back and spend a few nights with her but she shows little affection. Then, a week ago I drop her to work (she did a night shift) and I spend the night at her place without her. It had also been my place until she forced me to move out when we broke up.

Anyway, I jump on her computer to watch NETFLIX (as she said I could) and I also go to facebook... .only to find she'd accidentally left her account logged on. I discover that about 6 weeks earlier she had reconnected with an old work colleague who lives on the opposite side of the world. I read how they had started an internet affair well before she broke up with me and also discover she is flying to England to meet him in another few weeks. Not that it matters, but he is much older than both of us and not attractive at all.

I confront her about this and get the usual excuses and blaming me for it. Anyway, things continue along the same vein for a few more days, me distraught, her continuing to allow contact and sleepovers but little genuine affection and the usual aggression from her.

Then something truly weird happens on Friday night and something just clicks in my mind. I don't beg her to allow me to come over, I phone her up and tell her I am coming over. I find the energy to present myself well and I get to her place and I say to her; I don't want to be with you for your pity, I don't want you take me back because you just need anyone, I only want to be with you if you truly want me and then I kiss her neck where I know she loves it.

Anyway, by then end of the night she is initiating sex with me. We've just finished two days of more affection, more sex and more talking than we've had in the last couple of years and she had played a proactive role in it all.

But now what? Now that I have some power back in this relationship, how do I keep it? I want to be with her so much if she continues to behave as she did this weekend, but I want nothing to do with her whatsoever if she flies to England.

Also, I want to detach because I know she will pull the same crap again, I want to detach because I know she will never, ever be better. But simultaneously, I've just discovered that me being strong and independent makes her want me. And just as much as I want this nightmare over, I do want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I'm missing something, I am sure I am. Nothing is ever as it seems with a pwBPD. Was this weekend just an anomaly that means nothing or have I found a way of at least giving me a fighting chance?

Is now the time to temporarily go NC and try to secure any slight advantage that I may have gained, so that she feels the desire to chase me? Or is now the time to go permanently NC, so that I have some self-worth returned and don't feel so discarded by someone that I should have left many years ago?

[snowmonkey]

Ok, the background story;

3.5 years of the typical relationship with a BPD. We all know the story, we've all been there.

Three weeks ago she creates an argument out of absolutely nothing and causes us to break-up. After a week of NC I cave in and contact her. I spend the next week or so on the phone to her crying and trying to convince her to take me back and spend a few nights with her but she shows little affection. Then, a week ago I drop her to work (she did a night shift) and I spend the night at her place without her. It had also been my place until she forced me to move out when we broke up.

Anyway, I jump on her computer to watch NETFLIX (as she said I could) and I also go to facebook... .only to find she'd accidentally left her account logged on. I discover that about 6 weeks earlier she had reconnected with an old work colleague who lives on the opposite side of the world. I read how they had started an internet affair well before she broke up with me and also discover she is flying to England to meet him in another few weeks. Not that it matters, but he is much older than both of us and not attractive at all.

I confront her about this and get the usual excuses and blaming me for it. Anyway, things continue along the same vein for a few more days, me distraught, her continuing to allow contact and sleepovers but little genuine affection and the usual aggression from her.

Then something truly weird happens on Friday night and something just clicks in my mind. I don't beg her to allow me to come over, I phone her up and tell her I am coming over. I find the energy to present myself well and I get to her place and I say to her; I don't want to be with you for your pity, I don't want you take me back because you just need anyone, I only want to be with you if you truly want me and then I kiss her neck where I know she loves it.

Anyway, by then end of the night she is initiating sex with me. We've just finished two days of more affection, more sex and more talking than we've had in the last couple of years and she had played a proactive role in it all.

But now what? Now that I have some power back in this relationship, how do I keep it? I want to be with her so much if she continues to behave as she did this weekend, but I want nothing to do with her whatsoever if she flies to England.

Also, I want to detach because I know she will pull the same crap again, I want to detach because I know she will never, ever be better. But simultaneously, I've just discovered that me being strong and independent makes her want me. And just as much as I want this nightmare over, I do want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I'm missing something, I am sure I am. Nothing is ever as it seems with a pwBPD. Was this weekend just an anomaly that means nothing or have I found a way of at least giving me a fighting chance?

Is now the time to temporarily go NC and try to secure any slight advantage that I may have gained, so that she feels the desire to chase me? Or is now the time to go permanently NC, so that I have some self-worth returned and don't feel so discarded by someone that I should have left many years ago?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

My first thought is to stay out of her social media accounts without permission.

But, other than that, most people, BPD or not, like and are attracted to a strong and confident partner. From what I understand, pwBPD respond well to it. Far too often, nons become doormats under the pressure and are no longer attractive.

I'd caution against trying to manipulate and control the situation though. You want her to want you for you, not because you have tricked her into wanting you.

[livednlearned]

snowmonkey,

Welcome and hello 

People with BPD tend to externalize their emotions, so it helps when we are centered and grounded. Helps them get centered and stabilize their own feelings when ours are solid. It's why we talk so much here about taking care of ourselves and making that a priority, because it helps us and helps stabilize the relationship.

It sounds like a good time to think about this:

Three weeks ago she creates an argument out of absolutely nothing and causes us to break-up.

She has probably been told her whole life that she is over reacting, creating mountains out of molehills. It's hard to imagine the toll that takes on a person's ability to feel "ok" about themselves.

Which is why you hear so much about validation with BPD. For her, the argument was absolutely about something. She felt invalidated, and went seeking validation elsewhere, immediately. She found it in her colleague and acted impulsively -- she was desperate to feel validated.

It is both easy and hard to practice validation. When she is upset about something, try validating her feelings. "I can see you're upset by this. It hurts when someone doesn't listen to us, I can see that now. Is there something I can do to help here?"

So, easy to find the words, though sometimes hard to say if we're not feeling empathy and compassion -- she is likely extremely hypersensitive to body language, facial expression, tone of voice, in addition to words. This is the hard part, to draw on our own empathy for how someone feels when they are suffering. It might not make you suffer, it definitely makes her suffer.

Is that something you can do with her?

[snowmonkey]

Thanks livednlearned, I've tried, I've tried everything I can think of, everything I've read, everything that my T has suggested and everything I've learnt here.

Validation doesn't work with her. For me to validate her I would have to confess all the imaginary sins I have committed against her, I would have to promise things I could never achieve and only reinforce her totally unrealistic belief system. Worse still, she is a mental health nurse herself and is well aware of any techniques I try to negotiate through these things.

Besides, I am ready for NC. She is going on a date with another guy and after that, she will no longer exist as far as I am concerned. Well, she will haunt my thoughts for many months but I will remove her permanently from my life.