Almost home... less

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everybody! 

I'm sure most people who post here for the first time will write the same as I will: "I don't know where to start".

So here is some:

I spent roughly one year in an intense and intimate relationship with girl who I diagnose with harsh BPD.

After I have given up many times, I did run away once... .Got right back to where I was in a few weeks. A few months later I ran away again. That was two weeks ago.

Every rational part of my brain tells me it could have never worked out and that it will never work out.

But every ounce of me despairs to be with her again. Wonders if she is alright... .Worries about her all the time. Wishes that if she could just magically stop being crazy so that we can enjoy our lives the way we could have

Some days it's better but basically every day I feel sad and horrible. Not lonely.

I feel like Carlos Mencia in the South Park episode when he is begging Kanye West to "get" a simple, stupid joke instead of destroying himself and everyone else. (To make it easier for South Park fans to get my situation, and also to try to get some humor into a sad and messed up topic).

[badenergytroll]

Hello everybody! 

I'm sure most people who post here for the first time will write the same as I will: "I don't know where to start".

So here is some:

I spent roughly one year in an intense and intimate relationship with girl who I diagnose with harsh BPD.

After I have given up many times, I did run away once... .Got right back to where I was in a few weeks. A few months later I ran away again. That was two weeks ago.

Every rational part of my brain tells me it could have never worked out and that it will never work out.

But every ounce of me despairs to be with her again. Wonders if she is alright... .Worries about her all the time. Wishes that if she could just magically stop being crazy so that we can enjoy our lives the way we could have

Some days it's better but basically every day I feel sad and horrible. Not lonely.

I feel like Carlos Mencia in the South Park episode when he is begging Kanye West to "get" a simple, stupid joke instead of destroying himself and everyone else. (To make it easier for South Park fans to get my situation, and also to try to get some humor into a sad and messed up topic).

[C.Stein]

Hello  

I think we have all been there, not knowing where to start and questioning our own gut and rational/logical thought.

That desire to get back what you once had is understandable.  The idealization period is very much like a drug and you find yourself wanting more even though you know it will do you nothing but harm in the long run.  This is one of the hardest things to get over initially.  It helps to remember the idealization can never be sustained nor will it ever be like that again, regardless of how many times you go back.  It might be "good" for a while after returning ... .then it will quickly return to the same old mess as before and the time for that to occur typically becomes shorter and shorter.

I also worried about my ex for several reasons, the most prominent being because she conditioned me to feel that way.  At almost a year after being thrown away I still find myself asking the "what if" and questioning myself, even though my rational and logical mind finally understands the futility of it.  No matter how much I want to believe in her the fact of the matter is nothing will ever change with her until she herself finally understands she needs help and makes a concerted and sustained effort on her own behalf to deal with the BPD.  That unfortunately will probably never happen because she has lived her entire live avoiding responsibility for her behavior and actions, always finding a way to place blame and accountability elsewhere.  

Would you like to go into more detail why you think your ex suffers from BPD?  Understanding the WHY can help with clearing out the FOG.

[badenergytroll]

Thank you for the quick and important reply!

You've got a point there, i've got buttloads of FOG with me, even though I thought I left them behind with her.

What I would add to the previous post, is that I think pretty much all of my ex girlfriends were just a *little* bit crazy... .just like me... .their families... .my family.

Do you remember Arsenic and old lace? "Insanity runs in our family... .It practically gallops!"

So most of my life I could not figure out what was the pattern, what was the key behind some (future-partners) instantly liking me while "normals" not touching me with a six foot pole. Oh now I know, it is a well hidden, deep rooted INSECURITY i picked up someway along the road (early childhood?).

Now I not only have to work on myself, but also getting rid of this nasty after-BPD-FOG, coupled with being almost home... .less and job... .less.

[badenergytroll]

Would you like to go into more detail why you think your ex suffers from BPD?

I'm pretty sure it's bad parenting (who also learned it from bad grandparents). She told me that her parents used to fight so much when she was young (3, 4... ), that she would literally smash her head on the floor crying and begging them to stop fighting, shouting and screaming.

There you go, I think 30 years later nothing has changed, she is still that poor, insecure, ultra-sensitive child metaphorically smashing her head against the wall, never learning any lessons along the way... .

[C.Stein]

i've got buttloads of FOG with me, even though I thought I left them behind with her.

This is a good.  Seeing and realizing the FOG is the start to getting out of it.  It will be hard without a doubt, especially if you have codependent tendencies which appears might be the case given what you said in the rest of your post.  However being able to understand that many of your feelings are probably directly related to the FOG will allow you to rationalize them.  I know how hard it is to find reason behind the feelings generated by the FOG.  I still struggle with this, but that struggle has become less and less over time. 

Would you like to go into more detail why you think your ex suffers from BPD?

There you go, I think 30 years later nothing has changed, she is still that poor, insecure, ultra-sensitive child metaphorically smashing her head against the wall, never learning any lessons along the way... .

My ex would say frequently she learns from her mistakes, yet time and time again her actions didn't support that statement.

With respect to the BPD, can you related your exs behavior with the DSM criterion I linked?  If you can get a handle to where the behavior might come from it will help you depersonalize it.  It will also help you understand your own reactions to it which will help you grow in a positive direction from all this.

For my own situation I wrote an extensive list of all the behavior that could be related to BPD, with reference to the particular trait.  In that list I also explored how my own reactions and feelings were impacted by her behavior.  It helped me stay grounded and allowed me to see things that I didn't want to or couldn't see while I was in the relationship.  It also helped a great deal in dispersing the FOG and every time I felt myself getting pulled back into it I would review it and add to it.

[zonnebloem]

 

Join the club! We are (or have been) all there.

Cannot give any better advise than what has been given!

Besides... .I was told to only take advise from happy people and I do not feel happy (my own fault) so... .I may not give advise.

good luck!

[ICantFixHer]

Good to see you here B.E.T., you're in the right place. This is a superb resource for coming to grips with what you went thru, and ultimately learn *why* you find yourself drawn to people with these traits. Recognizing FOG is a solid step in the right direction.

First, though, I am concerned about you being near homeless and jobless; if I were in your shoes I would really try to rectify this ASAP. I assume you are but I'm just putting it out there.

Wishing you peace and understanding, hang with us and maybe you'll have both soon.

[badenergytroll]

My ex would say frequently she learns from her mistakes, yet time and time again her actions didn't support that statement.

Spot on. May people say this, yet do that; but I think BPD excel at this. Remember the proverb?
One of the definitions of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and every time expecting a different result.

With respect to the BPD, can you related your exs behavior with the DSM criterion I linked?  If you can get a handle to where the behavior might come from it will help you depersonalize it.  It will also help you understand your own reactions to it which will help you grow in a positive direction from all this.

How much time do you have? It is important to note, that around March I found out from her mother that she has bipolar. I asked, who diagnosed that, she (mother) said, she (mother) did. I started reading up and found out she's not bipolar (it's more like the mother is), rather BPD. A headshrink friend warned me not to tell her (the ex) otherwise patients have a tendancy to hide behind their diagnosis and blame it for everything instead of fixing this. I also read up a lot on forums about BPD (here too) but was too insecure to step forward and ask for help. Of course I recycled the relationship... .Anyways, without further ado:

* Had an eating disorder in her 20s - Bulimia - Once when she (said) she was sick and wanted to vomit, I wouldn't let her, fearing it's just her getting back to her old ways of hurting herself. After hours of fighting she did throw up... .for hours... .Turns out she was really sick, as I also caught the same virus from her 2 days later.

* It's never her fault - the parents, especially her mother, she blamed for everything and then some. Mind you, with a reason, I met the... .creature (mother) and believe me I miss her not. Poor children who had her for a mother.

* But anyways it's never her fault. It's always circumstances or accidents or ME, very often, it was just ME.

* Self-sabotage. Losing, misplacing: wallet, cards, money, keys, documents, letters, bills, phones, chargers... .You name it she misplaces it. I either had to walk around being a 24/7 cleaner or let things be and then suffer the consequences when we're late (she was always late) and something is lost

* Self-sabotage: Signing up for university, later for long distance studies, never finishing or winding up anything

* Black & white: changing  from love to hate quick and easy with a bling of an eye. Yesterday's enemies are today's friends, today's friends are tomorrow's enemies. No on-off switch on that one

* Extreme fear of abandonment. I wanted to break up in the very beginning due to differences I thought would be problematic, of course she cried/persuaded/manipulated me into staying. About ten times.

* Super mega extreme fear of abandonment: On the last time I broke up with her (two weeks ago), she wouldn't let me go (period). I called the cops. TWICE. In the end there were about six cops calming her down while I was packing up my stuff and an ambulance who escorted her to the looney bin. (She was released the next day, because of course she has no disorder only too much stress, etc... )

etc etc

Now come the big guns. The extreme mood swings and facial expressions that make her drama queen personality look like a puppet theater.

Upon telling her we're braking up, it would be killswitch engage with her facial expression and mood changing from wanting to kill me (not joking) to crying and begging me to stay to laughing and joking and trying to hug me and kiss me.

This was super f***** scary the first time I witnessed it. Then I almost got used to it. I would be hard pressed to get excited nowadays if somebody would pull out a gun or point a knife towards me. They'd probably get a calm-the-f***-down SLAP and a big puppy NO-NO speech like you do to a bad three year old.

Continuing (yes, she has all of the Diagnostic Criteria 301.83 (F60.3))

* No real friends and the "friends" she has are all unreliable and bat___ crazy, too. Takes one to know one, eh? - did her best to make sure I dont make a new circle of friends in the new surroundings. I did anyways.

* A history or bad relationships - not many, but most of them have been very bad. And abusive. And worse. - In the beginning I had the feeling that even in jokes&games she was asking for it. I started playfully physically punishing her in these situations until I realised I was being pulled into a game I did not want to play (later found out her father beat her a lot). After a long absence of violence I thought I found my mojo but about half a year (or more ) later in one situation she pushed me over the edge on the verge of a heavy beating. I stopped at the edge. Instead I left a few days later. The pits of hell are not where I like to live.

* Horrible, horrible self-image. (Needless to say she was very beautiful?) (We always had fights because she would never wear clothes fitting to her body as she thought of herself as an ugly, fat, etc person)

* Impulsivity with shopping (or generally spending money) and eating.

Now that I think about it, it was a non stop reckless rollercoaster horror show. Wait, scratch that, it was not non-stop. It was on-off. And the off times? Man, they were the time of my life, and then some. But when those times turned into walking on eggshells, I could not ever really relax and enjoy the potentially wonderful times of peace with her... .That was one more reason to run away.

[badenergytroll]

First, though, I am concerned about you being near homeless and jobless; if I were in your shoes I would really try to rectify this ASAP. I assume you are but I'm just putting it out there.

I am not homeless/jobless in the traditional sense. There is, of course, a valid reason why I ended up with all of this. I had a small business running (that I was sick and tired of) back where I lived (and owned my flats); and a potential interesting job offer and empty flat waiting for me in a different place (that I wasn't too keen on either).

The new relationship coupled with the prospect of "I don't have to try so hard I can piggyback ride with my new partner until I settle in and decide what I want" is what got me in this whole mess.

So where am I now? In the second place, that feels like a 2nd home I don't feel like living in, negotiating for a job many would kill for; while I am neither too interested in taking it, and also scared that I can never come to grips with it and will fail miserably.