Ending therapy at almost age 17?

[DisneyMom]

My 16 year old is in her 2nd go around with intensive DBT therapy. The first was at RTC a few years ago. She went into partial remission, and we brought her home. Now dealing with some relapse issues, or rather issues that never really went away.

Lately I can't shake the feeling that I just really want to end her therapy, even though she just had a significant self-harm incident last week. They happen every 2-4 months, typically. Doesn't seem to matter meds or no meds, therapy or not.

On the plus side, she is getting out much more, isolating much less, having some success in summer school. We are communicating better. We still have issues, but we always will. We just strive to get better at dealing with them.

We've been through years of therapy and several therapists. DD is tired of going, and she isn't really trying to take any of the suggestions or make any changes for herself. I'm tired of battling with her to do her diary card or DBT homework. She knows the skills. She just isn't making any effort to try to use them or apply any of the lessons. It feels like a waste of time (to both of us) and I'm weary and frustrated.

I'm thinking a much better use of time would be therapy for ME for my continued support in parenting her with all of her challenges. We have a loving, supportive home. We aren't giving up on her, but she is the only one who can decide to put the effort in to help herself, and I think she just has some growing up to do. She needs to start experiencing the reality of becoming an adult on her own. And learning from her own life experiences. I feel like we need to give her a break until SHE wants to seek it out for herself, again. Of course then we start all over looking for new support people, and that is totally draining. I need to remember summer is much easier than fall/winter, but still.

I know it sounds crazy, but I can't help feeling it's time. Even my insurance company is asking us to justify continuing her current program, and I'm struggling with making an argument. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

Hey there Disney Mom I started a very similar thread just last week it's entitled " in annoyed with my DD's therapist ! I'm having similar issues with my BPDDD16 not feeling very motivated to do the DBT work . My concern is she's only been learning these skills for a couple of months tops !
My DD has her next therapy appointment tomorrow so it will be interesting to see how that goes . The therapist explained to me that to suggest to my DD that there's no point in her continuing therapy was a very deliberate move on her part to see if the " push and pull" symptoms that are common with BPD are in play here . Ie my DD saying she doesn't want therapy but when the therapy is about to be pulled , will it make her want to participate more ? Time will tell . Like your DD , I do feel my girl has a lot of growing to do and her mind is elsewhere right now . But she hasn't already done the same level of work your DD has !

[Lollypop]

Hi there Disneymom

Just so you know, I have no experience of RTC, diaries or DBT.  I also live in the UK and so am culturally a bit different.  I speak as a mum of a BPDs25 who does not seek treatment.

There's a few things I felt and believed. He needs to be treated as an adult so he has to make his own decisions. I wait patiently for him to seek treatment and accept he may never do so. It's essential for him to fully engage with any treatment and, to do this, it has to be the right time, place and right therapist.  I don't know if this will ever happen for him, if it does it most probably be when he's at rock bottom but I hope it's when he's maturely requesting help for himself. I may be completely naive and unrealistic in this hope.

I've recently read that "no treatment" should not be an option. I've been thinking about this statement and if I should consider applying it as a condition (he's currently living at our home).  It is of course correct if we accept the wealth of experience and guidance of others.

I don't have an answer for you.

What Im trying to strive for is that my BPDs finds a way to live independently, to find a way for himself making both bad decisions and good decisions himself. We work on financial management skills at the moment.  I know he'll never have a career, he most probably will only ever work casually in menial work but that's not the end of the world. The priority is independence, good relationships and a life lived as best it can be.

I'm working hard in demonstrating, as best I can, a live well lived. I've gone back to college and widening and developing myself.

My situation isn't yours but I do understand your tiredness, and your questioning. I will also say that we have a life too, it's not all about BPD. It sounds like you've got a great relationship with your daughter. She's lucky to have you.

Thanks for reading.

[Bright Day Mom]

I also have a 16dd and often times felt as you and considered stopping therapy.  The reason we didn't is because I have to best utilize the time between now and when she turns 18, which is a game changer. 

I don't think no treatment should be an option... .we all need help in getting thru this. It often takes 2 yrs to master DBT skills to a point where you are applying the tools without even thinking about it, it is second nature. Once the insurance company learns she continues to self harm and needs additional support, they should back off and agree.

Things sometimes are more difficult once school starts and additional stressors come in to play, why not continue and build as strong of a foundation as possible?

Ask yourself the question " how would you feel if you ended services and something tragic happened"?

[wendydarling]

Hi Disneymom

I'm sorry you are exhausted. You are asking good questions and recognise it's time to book the therapy appointment for your care and wellbeing. Is your daughter in her second round of a 2 year period of DBT?

My daughter is 27, recently commenced outpatients DBT in the UK after diagnosis 12 months ago, early days for us, as Lbj says the journey is not linear, to accept that is empowering for me.

At 18 my daughter went to the Dr for help, bulimia and was provided therapy, it was unsuccessful. I offered my support she silently refused, it was her journey. She completed her education, gained her degree (not a happy time for her, she dysregulated in the last six months) and works. Over this period the disorder manifested culminating in suicide attempts in the last 12 months. She feels shame, guilt, hopelessness, self harms, anxiety, panics, is impulsive, addictions... .  emotional dysregulation, fortunately she is 'keep on going', her recent matra. She is fighting to be well, that said presently we are individually practising radical acceptance.

If BPD and dbt had been known to me and available all those years ago I'd be working with her as lbj suggests exploring all strategies, leverage and routes to support her engagement, working with her as I am now over a decade later.

I hope sharing with you is helpful to you in someway. How do you think your daughter might fair without dbt?

WDx

[need a break]

Hey there Disney Mom I started a very similar thread just last week it's entitled " in annoyed with my DD's therapist ! I'm having similar issues with my BPDDD16 not feeling very motivated to do the DBT work . My concern is she's only been learning these skills for a couple of months tops !
My DD has her next therapy appointment tomorrow so it will be interesting to see how that goes . The therapist explained to me that to suggest to my DD that there's no point in her continuing therapy was a very deliberate move on her part to see if the " push and pull" symptoms that are common with BPD are in play here . Ie my DD saying she doesn't want therapy but when the therapy is about to be pulled , will it make her want to participate more ? Time will tell . Like your DD , I do feel my girl has a lot of growing to do and her mind is elsewhere right now . But she hasn't already done the same level of work your DD has !
My D is 28, I have been paying for DBT for years, sorry to say but unless they want to do the work its a waste of time and money. For us nothing has worked. Your D is still young, maybe  take a break but keep an eye on her.

Good Luck

[need a break]

I also have a 16dd and often times felt as you and considered stopping therapy.  The reason we didn't is because I have to best utilize the time between now and when she turns 18, which is a game changer. 

I don't think no treatment should be an option... .we all need help in getting thru this. It often takes 2 yrs to master DBT skills to a point where you are applying the tools without even thinking about it, it is second nature. Once the insurance company learns she continues to self harm and needs additional support, they should back off and agree.

Things sometimes are more difficult once school starts and additional stressors come in to play, why not continue and build as strong of a foundation as possible?

Ask yourself the question " how would you feel if you ended services and something tragic happened"?

You will know when you are done and have done everything in your power to help your D. As with the person who posted, your D is still young, there may be hope.
If you are asking the question then you may not be ready. In our case she is 28, we have no control and yes if and or when something tragic happens we will know we have gone over and beyond to help our D
The window is so small for them to learn and get better, once they become adults if they have not learned as adolescents, it gets worse.