How to we deal with the incredible selfishness and disregard?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

From what I've read with many other post, I know that the complete disregard for us is extremely painful, and what a lot of us suffer from.

My question is how do we cope with these people's extreme selfishness? How these people are so self-absorbed that they have complete disregard for you and your feelings?

This took a huge toll on my self worth, and value as a person. And now I'm having something similar happen with a friend, and it's totally hitting that old knife wound. Someone who is so incapable of taking the most minimal responsibility, that they instead are treating me with complete disregard. It's so painful. I spent a few months playing things over in my head, wondering if I was doing right (for standing up for myself), and this person was just completely disregarding me, and doesn't even care? It's so hurtful.

I think another part of it that is hurtful is feeling stupid for having cared. That in these months I could have been just thinking about myself, I was trying to think about their best interest. So I think in some part of the pain, what flares up in me 1. How wrong it is for this person to treat me like this, and 2. How it was actually "mine" to be acting that way.

[HoneyB33]

From what I've read with many other post, I know that the complete disregard for us is extremely painful, and what a lot of us suffer from.

My question is how do we cope with these people's extreme selfishness? How these people are so self-absorbed that they have complete disregard for you and your feelings?

This took a huge toll on my self worth, and value as a person. And now I'm having something similar happen with a friend, and it's totally hitting that old knife wound. Someone who is so incapable of taking the most minimal responsibility, that they instead are treating me with complete disregard. It's so painful. I spent a few months playing things over in my head, wondering if I was doing right (for standing up for myself), and this person was just completely disregarding me, and doesn't even care? It's so hurtful.

I think another part of it that is hurtful is feeling stupid for having cared. That in these months I could have been just thinking about myself, I was trying to think about their best interest. So I think in some part of the pain, what flares up in me 1. How wrong it is for this person to treat me like this, and 2. How it was actually "mine" to be acting that way.

[GreenEyedMonster]

It has nothing to do with you.  That's the truth that can really help you overcome this.

These people's actions have everything to do with their own problems and they would have acted like this whether it was you or another human-shaped object on the receiving end.  There is nothing unique about you or something that you did that made them do this to you.  That's ultimately how you must come to see it.  I know it feels personal when you are emotionally invested, but ultimately it is not.

This is fairly evident to me, I think, because my ex made very little pretext about caring about my welfare.  He picked and chose when he wanted to do nice things for me, when it was convenient for him.  I can't honestly say that I think he ever treated another woman differently, or ever will; in fact, I think that he won't tolerate a relationship where he is expected to care for another person's happiness in any way.  I know it's offensive and insulting to care for someone and get nothing back, but as I said, it's not personal.

[StayStrongNow]

HoneyB33, I have read your posts and you appear to me to be a genuine, loving, caring, compassionate person. By stark contrast BPD carries on close personal or romantic relationships strictly for personal gain. These two opposite sides of the continuum are not a good match.

I saw clearly once I got out of the FOG that it would never work out and the cycle of devaluing and discarding would continue indefinitely if I stayed in this wasteful game.

Hurt people hurt people. To me, BPD are unreasonable people and there is only one way to deal with them... .avoid them!

[balletomane]

 This question was on my mind a lot too.  I remember the nights when I was in floods of tears, almost gibbering and incoherent, and the barrage of cruel comments just wouldn't stop. I wondered then how miserable I had to become in order for him to feel moved to pity. How he couldn't see that doing this to me was incredibly hurtful. I wouldn't do that to anyone, even if I did believe myself to be in the right. I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy. So why was he doing it to me? He seemed to have no insight into me or my needs at all, and if he did, he didn't care.

What we must remember is that BPD develops as a result of problems with forming attachments in childhood, often caused by long-term abuse or trauma. We learn the basics of relationships in childhood. If you cry as a baby, and someone comes and feeds you and checks that everything is OK, then you are learning that your needs will be met. If your parents are consistent and reliable with you, and their behaviour is more or less the same, you know that when they tell you, "Wait half an hour, and then we can go to the park," then in half an hour you probably will be off to the park. Children with attachment problems may not have had this. They have learned the opposite - that their environment isn't trustworthy, that people can't meet their needs, and in an adult with BPD this can manifest as what is apparently very selfish behaviour. My ex was not capable of thinking about me and my feelings when he was emotionally overwhelmed. He can only focus on his own pain, and that is normal to him.

Reminding myself of this helps. At one point I started to believe that he just didn't understand how I felt, and that if only I could find some way to tell him, it would be all right. This isn't true. It takes years to develop relationships skills and the foundations are laid when we're babies, so how was I going to somehow give my ex a crash course in all the development he'd missed? It's not as simple as just appealing to someone to understand.

I was very wounded by his selfish behaviour for a long time, especially the cheating/discard, where he basically told me that he wouldn't be maintaining a friendship even though various things in my life meant I really needed some support just then. "I've spent most of my life alone. You'll get used to it" and "No one really has your back in life" were two of the phrases he used. However, he expected me to be on-call in case he needed to talk about his self-injury, as he hadn't felt able to raise this with the replacement yet. "I hope you'll stay around, because I need you." He then got angry at my level of devastation and accused me of spoiling his happiness and emotionally blackmailing him. "Why can't you just be happy for me?" All he could think of was himself.

The only helpful strategy I found was being extra kind to myself. It sounds simple, but it's very powerful. No berating myself in my head. If I caught myself thinking I was stupid for putting up with it, I would consciously tell myself, "It's good that you try to believe the best of people and give second chances. Do the same for yourself. Have some tea." Little acts of self-care are good. I made sure I got in a daily shower and took a good long walk each day even when all I wanted to do was curl up under a quilt and hide. Your ex hasn't been able to meet your needs, for whatever reason, and now you have to step up and take care of yourself. Take it a day at a time, even an hour at a time if it helps. Stay gentle with yourself and you will get past it in the end.

[Wize]

It has nothing to do with you.  That's the truth that can really help you overcome this.

These people's actions have everything to do with their own problems and they would have acted like this whether it was you or another human-shaped object on the receiving end.  There is nothing unique about you or something that you did that made them do this to you.  That's ultimately how you must come to see it.  I know it feels personal when you are emotionally invested, but ultimately it is not

As hard as the above pill is to swallow, it's the absolute truth.  I'm still trying to get this one down, it's stuck in my windpipe right now.  But yeah, it's not personal to them it's only personal to us. To a pwBPD we are just a human-shaped object(I'm gonna use that one, I hope it's not copyrighted.)

[Ahoy]

The only helpful strategy I found was being extra kind to myself. It sounds simple, but it's very powerful. No berating myself in my head. If I caught myself thinking I was stupid for putting up with it, I would consciously tell myself, "It's good that you try to believe the best of people and give second chances. Do the same for yourself. Have some tea." Little acts of self-care are good. I made sure I got in a daily shower and took a good long walk each day even when all I wanted to do was curl up under a quilt and hide. Your ex hasn't been able to meet your needs, for whatever reason, and now you have to step up and take care of yourself. Take it a day at a time, even an hour at a time if it helps. Stay gentle with yourself and you will get past it in the end.

100% this. With so much self-doubt, guilt, and all manner of confusing thoughts flying through our head post-separation, being kind to yourself goes a long way.

I wrote "stay F***king strong dude!" and "Cut yourself some slack" across my fridge door so every time I was in the kitchen I was reminded to go easy on myself.

It took a few weeks but giving myself a break is something I do nearly every day now. With my ex, with work, with going to the gym!

Life is busy and messy enough as it is! Dealing with BPD trauma and abusive relationships is a horrible burden to try and carry and you are going to trip up, A LOT!

So pay a little extra attention to yourself, allow yourself to have negative thoughts but catch yourself out if it goes on too long, just remind yourself that you ARE a good person. Book a holiday, buy that damn playstation 4, or a weekend spa retreat, or some sort of miniature animal. Get your thinking back about you and watch your self esteem rise =)

[UnforgivenII]

I want to thank both the author of this topic and who has answered. Wonderful responses. You helped me a lot today, where all I want to do is crying.

[HoneyB33]

Sorry for the delayed reply. Took a couple days to not think about BPD.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Reminding me of the two things I need to remember in this.

1. It's not personal. This has no reflection upon me as a person, or partner.

2. To be kind to myself. Thank you Balletomane and Ahoy for your stories in that.

All of this has reminded me of what I have needed to remember over and over. Funny how we just learn the same things over and over. I appreciate everyone's timely responses. I'm replying late, but they were very helpful when I read them a couple of days ago.