Raising the bar?

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Was thinking about something I have heard and believed I experienced with my BPDexgf.

I once believed she raised the bar of my performance and her expectations for my devotion, adoration and validation.

My question is, did she raise the bar or just push me down deeper so the bar never moved, it was me that became less and less until I almost didn't exist? I fail to see where she ever encouraged me to be my best or to do better with my life. She sabotaged everything I did and put me down even if I did my best. No empathy, no compassion, no way. She was charming  

Regardless of what I knew I did strive to be a better man for her and because of my willingness and hard work I am reaping the benifits for my efforts. So I couldn't be happier that I took up the challenge and even if she couldn't stand the fact my life was improving. Another reason to be grateful.

Thinking of the difference between pole vaulting and limbo, did the bar go up, or did she just try to drag me down with her?

Just a thought.

[pjstock42]

In my case, and this aligns with the research, the "bar" was never a static thing and it was more akin to constantly "moving the goalposts".

Something that my BPD ex gf would be ok with and happy about one day, she would be upset and annoyed about the next day. She would tell me things that she wanted to do, I would later suggest doing them and she would say she didn't feel like it that day and then in the end after the discard, she blamed me for not doing these things with her and thus being too "boring".

Even something as benign as choosing what to watch on tv in the evening. I am a big proponent of compromise so I would offer her the choice of what to watch and she would always choose the same thing. Then, again post discard, she accused me of never wanting to start a new tv series or watch certain movies, as if the responsibility was 100% on me to read her mind and forcefully push us to do whatever I thought she really wanted.

I think that in the end, it's really a perpetual lose-lose situation. If you're being put through the cycle of idealize, devalue, discard - it doesn't matter what you do to appease them because the result will always be the same anyway. Not just for you but for all of his/her other partners, past and future.

[Herodias]

Yes, I felt that way too... .nothing was ever good enough in the end. It was like he raised the bar so I would be a failure in his eyes. He wanted me to look bad in a way. Instead of valuing me in the beginning and loving everything I did, at the end... .I could not do anything right. He complained how I made eggs, how I ate my food (he told me I was disgusting and he couldn't stand to look at me across the table), He made me cry in a restaurant , he was just mean and bullying. I figured his Marine training had something to do with it... .except instead of bringing you down to build you up... .he did the opposite... .Put me on a pedestal to bring me down to pond scum. Horrible... .It's not us, but it does make you think.

[married21years]

hi its what they all do

and we strive to meet their expectations.

but as we try to and get stronger and grow we realise they have the real problem and we blossom into something much stronger that the new person in our life will see