I don't plan to ever date again.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After my BPD-ex and I were together for 5 years, all we've been through, and the emptiness that has come along with the break-up (a year later now) I really just do not plan to date again.

I know people say time heals all.
Well, I have healed some over this last year.

But I just really feel that even if I know my exes behavior, and how distant and forgetting of me she has been post-break up... .No one will ever hold that connection in my mind. It's just a certain pull I've never felt with another human being.
It makes me realize how a "normal" relationship will never feel as good to me.
And how i will always be thinking of her which isn't fair to anyone.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[Indifferent28]

After my BPD-ex and I were together for 5 years, all we've been through, and the emptiness that has come along with the break-up (a year later now) I really just do not plan to date again.

I know people say time heals all.
Well, I have healed some over this last year.

But I just really feel that even if I know my exes behavior, and how distant and forgetting of me she has been post-break up... .No one will ever hold that connection in my mind. It's just a certain pull I've never felt with another human being.
It makes me realize how a "normal" relationship will never feel as good to me.
And how i will always be thinking of her which isn't fair to anyone.

Does anyone else feel this way?

[pjstock42]

My relationship was much shorter than yours (~1.5 years) and only ended a matter of weeks ago so I'm nowhere close to where you are in this process.

I did have these feelings early on and it felt almost as if it was some kind of defense mechanism. I honestly felt (and do feel) that I was duped and left to rot once I was no longer wanted by my BPD ex gf because the cycle had been completed. I've definitely had thoughts about how difficult it would ever be to make myself so vulnerable to someone again because of how that led to me being so brutally hurt by my ex, so I can see where you're coming from.

However; When I look inwards, I realize that I genuinely do like being in a relationship and having someone to share experiences with and take care of etc. I've always wanted this and I don't want to change my entire view on something that I want in life just because of the influence of one toxic person. If you don't want to ever date again because that's truly coming from within and not something you're interested in then so be it. All I would say is to not make this kind of decision based on the influence of your toxic ex because then you will be depriving yourself of something that you want in your life due to the control of someone that is no longer attached to you in any way.

[badenergytroll]

Don't do this to yourself, go out and take your life back!

[Meili]

I have had similar thoughts, and I'm willing to venture a guess that many of us have.

For what it's worth, I disagree with those that say that time heals all wounds. Time, in and of itself doesn't. It takes new experiences and memories. It takes re-associating emotions with things other than our exes.

You're right though, a "normal" r/s won't feel as good. But, in turn, it also won't feel as bad either.

I'm not sure that I agree with the "which isn't fair" comment though. We all think about our exes from time to time. We all have a past. It's part of life.

[SoMadSoSad]

I feel this way also, I dont think I will ever connect with someone on the level that me and my ex connected.

[bunny4523]

Don't do this to yourself, go out and take your life back!

I second this thought!

[purpleavocado]

Yes. I haven't seen my BPD ex in 3 years and still hear from her in spurts. I have no desire to go back to her but at the same time I have no desire to date because I'll still compare to her and the "connection" we had, even though I know it was not healthy for me. Not a single person in my life understands this, and I think you just can't until you experience it yourself.

[VitaminC]

You're right though, a "normal" r/s won't feel as good. But, in turn, it also won't feel as bad either.

Do people really believe and think this? Why?

[Meili]

Because "normal" r/s don't come with the extreme highs and lows.

[bunny4523]

Does anyone else feel this way?

Sad but a different perspective is... .that there are plenty of mentally ill people out there so there is a good chance you will form this type of unhealthy attachment again if you really want it.  Just remember the pain, confusion and depression that comes with it.  :/  

For the record, my "normal" relationship does feel just as good... .it actually feels better because there is no fear, no attacks, no flipping and flopping, no rejection, no egg shells.   Instead of the relationship deteriorating a little every day, we grow closer and the love grows deeper, the intimacy grows deeper.  I wish you could all see what you are missing out on... .a glimpse into the future to give you hope.  :)on't give up or you're giving in to the BPD.  Fight and rise above it.  Be a better person because of what you have learned and feel proud that you are taking a stand... .that you want more for yourself and more out of a relationship.  

Don't let it break you, let it better you... .

Bunny


  

[steelwork]

I have felt that way, yes.

Maybe it would be a good idea to take the grand expectations out of the formula for now? I mean, it's not a good idea (I've done it) to lower your expectations to the point where you jump into a relationship because you don't want to be alone, but on the other hand, you could just put a toe in the water and see if you meet people who are good company, and attractive, and fun, and make you laugh. And not try to match or compare. Try dating for fun instead of dating with the intention of having a grand romance?

[Indifferent28]

Thanks for everyones replies.

I see it from both sides; a chance to be happy or the chance that it was never reach such an extreme with another person.
I do believe BOTH cam be true, but it depends on who you are.

I feel for some people, the BPD relationship WAS the strongest connection they will ever have.
And for others, they can find an on par connection in a normal relationship.

I just know for me personally, this is my outlook. Maybe in the far future but for now, and a long time from now, I am trying to learn to enjoy the single life, and to better myself in a lot of ways. Perhaps go back to the things I did before I got with her.

Sometimes i'm okay with that, but then i just remember the connection and the strong intensity and i really miss it all.

I believe for some people, the BPD relationship wasn't healthy.
However, I believe that my own behavior and actions played a large role in her mental health decline, so  I will always feel some regret and a bit of a hard time forgiving myself.

It just sucks

[steelwork]

It does suck.

I believe for some people, the BPD relationship wasn't healthy.
However, I believe that my own behavior and actions played a large role in her mental health decline, so  I will always feel some regret and a bit of a hard time forgiving myself.

I don't follow your thinking here. Can't both these things be true?

Forgiving yourself is hard. I still wrestle with it. Could not have gotten as far as I have without a lot of help. Are you alone in this, or do you have help?

[Hopefulgirl]

Indifferent28, I understand what you mean.
Ive been out with only two people casually since my BPD guy ghosted away. It made me miss him even more. The guys were reliable, had friends and family who think the world of them, steady job, no apparent addictions, everything my guy didnt have. Couldnt care less if they called me or not.  Its that fear that you will never feel that way again and you will never have that connection again.  I ended up doing match.com for a few months. Big mistake. My heart is much too closed up right now for any of that.

There are many many stories of people going through a relationship with someone with BPD and moving on and dating and falling in love, and being genuinely happy. I know several people who have been through horrendous divorces from someone they thought was the love of their life, who never want to date again, but they meet the right person and the sky opens up.

[bunny4523]

I think it is important to remember it should take  time to establish a deep connection with someone. try not to compare your Feelings now to what you felt in the beginning with your BPD partner because it isn't a fair comparison. part of the description in the disorder is idealization, mirroring and moving very fast. They should have been red flags. Think about it... .How can you have such a deep connection with someone you barely know? It's because you want to have it, you buy into the too good to be true fantasy. It's because your only looking at a small part of the person. It takes time to get to know the entire person.

Slow and steady will get you to that deep connection you crave... .You just need to give it more time. It takes experiences to build that type of connection with a partner and for it to develop into a sturdy foundation.

I bought into my ex's fairy tale story of us. I fell in love with it too. Then When I saw all his pieces and parts coming out I realized I wasnt in love with him but what I thought we had together which never really existed. Atleast not on my level of what a partner and relationship means to me. He never loved me the way I loved him. He isn't capable.

Bunny

[rfriesen]

I think it is important to remember it should take  time to establish a deep connection with someone. try not to compare your Feelings now to what you felt in the beginning with your BPD partner because it isn't a fair comparison.

I second these points. I think it's simplistic to talk about BPD relationships or connections being "stronger" or "deeper" or "better". Relationships are incredibly complex and can be good or bad, strong or weak, deep or shallow, etc, along so many different axes. I think many of us here experienced extremely intense connections with our exes and those connections have had a profound effect on us. I know I won't ever have another connection that feels as strong or deep or powerful in that particular way as the one I had with my ex. I think of the way people describe their first time trying heroin -- as though they had finally found home, their place in the universe, the greatest feeling imaginable. And they can never recapture that. It's obviously a rough analogy, and most of us here probably think, "ok, but that's a drug, it's not like connecting with another person, certainly not the way it was with my ex." Fair enough.

But then when we talk to people who haven't been through relationships like this, the experience we describe probably sounds to them something like the way a heroin addict describes those early highs. It all felt so right, and it's very hard to wrap our minds around the ways in which the connections we had were pathological or unsustainable. I think bunny is right -- a connection that is richer and deeper along many dimensions (i.e. one where you get to know the other person entirely and reveal yourself entirely) takes time and it takes a commitment to be there even when you aren't riding a wave of good emotions. Whereas what so many of us seem to describe here is relationships that were all about riding the highs. That's what seems to have defined, to an unhealthy degree, so many of the relationships that brought us here.

Speaking for myself, I know I will never experience that instant high again, that immediate and overwhelming sense of connection to another person, because even if I started to feel it, I'm too aware now of its unhealthy and shallow aspects. I wouldn't be able to just give in to riding the wave of emotions as though they meant that I had found true love. I'm not saying I couldn't enjoy riding a wave of good emotions, but I couldn't mistake them for lasting love and commitment. And that's what was so powerful with my ex -- those intense emotions combined with my thinking that they were true love.

So, for me, one of the lessons is not to become so invested in emotional highs. Yes, by all means enjoy them and enjoy life. But investing in a relationship does not mean trying to keep the highs going at all costs. What hurt so many of us was that we felt prepared to invest in our relationships, even when the going got tough and required real investment, but our exes weren't prepared to do the same. We found out the hard way that intense feelings don't make everyone want to invest the time and effort, and that hurts because it means our connection wasn't as deep as we thought, at least along the dimension of genuine commitment. The feelings may have been incredibly powerful, but that's not the same as the commitment being deep. So, when we worry that we won't find such a strong or deep connection again, I think we should at least be clear and honest with ourselves as to what aspect of the connection was strong or deep.

[willtimeheal]

I can see your point indifferent. After my six year relationship with my exBPD ended I had no intention of ever dating again. I was set on just getting a dog.
But after taking a year and a half to work on myself and reconnecting with family and friends I really started to enjoy my life again. I have met someone new and yes it is different. There are no ups and down, no drama, no tantrums, no cheating or lying. The intensity is not there and sometimes I wonder if my new relationship is boring. It's not boring. It's "Normal."  Sure it is not as "intense" as my BPD relationship but I enjoy not walking on eggshells, not wondering if I am going to be humiliated when out, or if we will even make it out of the house due to her drinking.
This relationship is being built on respect and the big differences is I respect myself this time and I know what I deserve. At times I do wonder how my exBPD is and if she thinks about me and/or misses me. Then I start to remember what I was put through and how I was treated. That reminds me that I am in a much better place now.
Yes my new relationship will never be like the one with my exBPD... .there are pros and cons to it but the cons out weigh the pros. Don't rule anything out indifferent.

[bunny4523]

 I know I will never experience that instant high again, that immediate and overwhelming sense of connection to another person, because even if I started to feel it, I'm too aware now of its unhealthy and shallow aspects. I wouldn't be able to just give in to riding the wave of emotions as though they meant that I had found true love. I'm not saying I couldn't enjoy riding a wave of good emotions, but I couldn't mistake them for lasting love and commitment.

What hurt so many of us was that we felt prepared to invest in our relationships, even when the going got tough and required real investment, but our exes weren't prepared to do the same. We found out the hard way that intense feelings don't make everyone want to invest the time and effort, and that hurts because it means our connection wasn't as deep as we thought, at least along the dimension of genuine commitment. The feelings may have been incredibly powerful, but that's not the same as the commitment being deep. So, when we worry that we won't find such a strong or deep connection again, I think we should at least be clear and honest with ourselves as to what aspect of the connection was strong or deep.

Very well said. That is the part I struggled with a lot, the "intense" feelings he claimed to have for me yet his commitment didn't match up to it. wasn't backed then one day "poof" the feelings were gone... .

The words were strong, intense and deep but they were not backed up with actions.

Bunny

[Wize]

the "intense" feelings he claimed to have for me yet his commitment didn't match up to it. wasn't backed then one day "poof" the feelings were gone... .

It's such a confounding, chaotic disorder.  As nons, it's so very difficult for us to understand and fathom how a human could possibly behave that way.  I think that really shows how severe BPD is.  It's the most inexplicable and destructive illness I've ever seen and I work a lot with severely cognitively disabled people as well as those with PTSD, traumatic brain injuries and sexual abuse victims.  I had no idea what BPD was until I met my ex.  She introduced me to an illness that trumps anything I had seen previously.

[pjstock42]

the "intense" feelings he claimed to have for me yet his commitment didn't match up to it. wasn't backed then one day "poof" the feelings were gone... .

It's such a confounding, chaotic disorder.  As nons, it's so very difficult for us to understand and fathom how a human could possibly behave that way.  I think that really shows how severe BPD is.  It's the most inexplicable and destructive illness I've ever seen and I work a lot with severely cognitively disabled people as well as those with PTSD, traumatic brain injuries and sexual abuse victims.  I had no idea what BPD was until I met my ex.  She introduced me to an illness that trumps anything I had seen previously.

This one seems to be a big sticking point / common link for all of us. My ex had a conversation with me about where we were going to live when we we older, what kind of dog we would have and all that kind of stuff of course laden with all of the "I love you's" just hours before discarding me. This kind of intense drop from the highest highs to the lowest lows is what was most traumatizing for me.

[LilMe]

I have similar feelings, Indifferent28.  I am only 3 months out of a 10 year relationship.  In my rational mind, I tell myself that some day I will get over this and possibly be open to another relationship.  But right now, I sure don't feel that way!  I invested so much.  I have seen his best and worst and wanted to be a good, supportive part of his life in both.  I committed in my mind to make it work, no matter what, and miserably failed.  I will feel better for a couple of hours, but then the grief returns in full force.  It seems like it would be easier if he were dead.  But he is not.  We live in a fairly small community so I see him almost daily, even though he has painted me black and we have no contact.

It's such a confounding, chaotic disorder.  As nons, it's so very difficult for us to understand and fathom how a human could possibly behave that way.

This is so true!  I feel like there is definitely something wrong with me in that I cannot accept that he can be like this, yet he is.  I suppose that is something I should talk to my counselor about.

Thank you for posting, Indifferent28.  I hope that we all continue to heal and eventually make it to a calm, normal life!

[rj47]

Does anyone else feel this way?

For the record, my "normal" relationship does feel just as good... .it actually feels better because there is no fear, no attacks, no flipping and flopping, no rejection, no egg shells.   Instead of the relationship deteriorating a little every day, we grow closer and the love grows deeper, the intimacy grows deeper.

Bunny
 

I have to second Bunny.

I was convinced that no one could love me ever again, that I was so damaged and flawed that I could never develop a healthy relationship with another woman. I also worried that future intimacy would be a disappointment based on the intensity I had with her. Then someone wonderful landed in my life as a friend that slowly developed long distance. As the fears and doubts dropped away for both of us we gradually opened up and it turned into love. Fearful that sexual intimacy would be a disappointment, it was instead both beautiful and intense. Being in a healthy relationship after so many years living in near daily despair was easy. No fear, no hiding, no triggers, no accusations, no trying to emotionally manage another. Loving her was easy. Coming out of an abusive relationship of her own, we both committed to never allow the destructive behaviours we endured or the coping methods we developed to enter into our relationship. It caused us to quickly leave all of the old junk in the dust and without guilt. Do I care about the person I left behind and think about her occasionally. Yes. Of course I want her to find stability and happiness. Do I think for a moment that I could some day be with her if she "fixed" herself. Never. I happened into something with someone that was life changing and showed me that there can be beauty, grace, transparency, acceptance, shared hope, reciprocation and intimacy without fear.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have a bit of a different perspective.

My BPD relationship was not pleasant, ever, even during the idealization phase.  He was never my soul mate and I never felt comfortable with his extreme volatility.  He was never my safe space.

This relationship has, however, taught me how badly one person can ruin your life if you let them too close.  Sharing friends and space and trips with someone seems harmless enough.  But the wrong person can tear down everything you've worked for, over a course of years. 

I'm reaching a point where trusting anyone else to give me the future I want is a gamble I just can't take -- I am hesitant to rely on another person for anything.  Better and safer to rely on myself.  At least if I mess up my own life, it's my fault, and I'm still in control.  Letting someone else anywhere near my hopes for the future has been disaster for me.  I'd rather be alone with a few cats and some family.

[Indifferent28]

I think what makes BPD scarier is simply reading everyones replies and seeing just how different they could affect us or how their behaviors varied.

I mean, that's with any mental illness. You can go by a textbook case, but people are unique so no case is the same... However, with BPD that is just magnified and there are so many different variations!

[bunny4523]

I have a bit of a different perspective.

My BPD relationship was not pleasant, ever, even during the idealization phase.  He was never my soul mate and I never felt comfortable with his extreme volatility.  He was never my safe space.

This relationship has, however, taught me how badly one person can ruin your life if you let them too close.  Sharing friends and space and trips with someone seems harmless enough.  But the wrong person can tear down everything you've worked for, over a course of years. 

Greeneyedmonster,

Have you explored the areas of why you allowed this person into your life... .even though you state above that you never felt comfortable and safe?  Maybe if you are able to dig into that and find out why then you can regain trust in decisions regarding choosing a partner.  I had to laugh at your comment about cats.  When my teenage boys would get mad at me they would say,"your never going to find anyone, your going to be alone with a bunch of cats."  I of course responded,"you say that like it's a bad thing?"       I get it, I would much rather be alone and happy than in a bad relationship but what if... .there is another option?  Just be pickier about who you let in.  Who you trust and who you select as your partner?  Steer clear of men you don't feel safe with... .follow your gut.

I want you to beat this, I want you to look back one day and barely remember this bump in the road.  This happened TO YOU, not because of you.  All you can do is be aware and do your best to not let it happen again. 

Keep working through your feelings and you will get there.  You will love and be loved again and you will be safe.

Bunny       

[GreenEyedMonster]

Bunny,

I was in a 12-year stable relationship that dissolved shortly before I met my exBPD.  My 12-year ex was a super easygoing guy, to a fault, and had a sort of unusual personality.  When I first met exBPD, I chalked some of his volatility up to personality differences.  My 12-year relationship had been stagnant and dull and it felt good at first -- for a very short time -- to be love bombed and feel like I was valued by someone.  I had very few points of reference because I had been in my previous relationship since age 17 and chalked a lot of it up to new relationship jitters at first.

I am still really close friends with my 12-year ex and I hope we get back together soon.  He is the love of my life and was always very kind and validating to me.  I now realize that even the more dull parts of the relationship were preferable to the BPD relationship high.  I would trust my 12-year ex with my life -- we've known each other since we were kids and grew up together -- and I'm finding it's difficult to trust anyone I meet as an adult.

Oh, and I only dated my exBPD for about 15 weeks and was planning on breaking up with him before he painted me black because of my extreme discomfort around him.

[bunny4523]

I am still really close friends with my 12-year ex and I hope we get back together soon.  He is the love of my life and was always very kind and validating to me.  I now realize that even the more dull parts of the relationship were preferable to the BPD relationship high.  I would trust my 12-year ex with my life -- we've known each other since we were kids and grew up together -- and I'm finding it's difficult to trust anyone I meet as an adult.

Good.   You don't need to trust adults that you meet right now.  Most are not trustworthy.  You will know which ones are worth your time.  So glad to hear that you had such a good relationship before... .that is the foundation to focus on.

Best wishes,
Bunny

[michel71]

I am 52 and don't have that same "drive" that I used to. That "drive" made me want to date/have sex when a relationship ended and I was over it. Maybe it is because of my age, maybe because of my circumstance and PTSD or maybe because I was so totally committed to her and couldn't fathom myself with another woman, but I just don't want to get into another relationship.
I don't trust anybody anymore and I certainly don't trust myself to pick a good partner.
I just want peace in my life and to be without the drama or hassle of somebody's else's ___E.

[stimpy]

the "intense" feelings he claimed to have for me yet his commitment didn't match up to it. wasn't backed then one day "poof" the feelings were gone... .

It's such a confounding, chaotic disorder.  As nons, it's so very difficult for us to understand and fathom how a human could possibly behave that way.  I think that really shows how severe BPD is.  It's the most inexplicable and destructive illness I've ever seen and I work a lot with severely cognitively disabled people as well as those with PTSD, traumatic brain injuries and sexual abuse victims.  I had no idea what BPD was until I met my ex.  She introduced me to an illness that trumps anything I had seen previously.

This one seems to be a big sticking point / common link for all of us. My ex had a conversation with me about where we were going to live when we we older, what kind of dog we would have and all that kind of stuff of course laden with all of the "I love you's" just hours before discarding me. This kind of intense drop from the highest highs to the lowest lows is what was most traumatizing for me.

This is uncanny. During one of our many intense moments, my ex said that she loved me for the first time, but when I said that I was also committed to her, she said "what does that mean". Seriously, she didn't seem to know what the word meant. And she is 50 years old.

Five days after saying she loved me for the first time and me staying over at her place for the first time, she dumped me.

Incredibly cruel and hurtful. How can someone do that?

But coming back to original post, yes, I do want to date again. I've been on a couple of dates and am getting back into the swing of things. It takes time I think to move on (about a year in my case) but I am getting used to a drama free life and indeed if I come across anyone with behaviours/traits that remind me of my ex, then I just walk away. Any push/pull nonsense or invalidation etc... .and I move on. Perhaps I am being too cautious, but I think this is the right thing to do.

[Leonis]

Does anyone else feel this way?

I'm starting to feel this way. The funny part is that my ex talks about how she's planning on being single forever because of me.

Insult on injury... .I hope I can date again one day, but with the current pregnancy shenanigans she's pulling, I don't even know when I could be clear.